Chapter 22 - Longing
Longing
The beauty of the greenhouse never ceases to take my breath away. We duck under low branches and set up beside the waterfall. Vee hasn’t replied yet, so I turn to Tanisira, planning to grill her some more. She beats me to it.
“Do you want to talk about what happened with that man yesterday?”
My heart skitters.
“I hadn’t—I don’t—” With a deep breath, I steady myself. “No.”
“Okay.”
I should; I know it’ll help if I make myself do it. I can’t bring myself to replay what happened on Novus right now. It’s not the first time I’ve been accosted by a man who wouldn’t take no for an answer, but I don’t want to relive any of it.
I should feel bad that something horrible might have happened to him when those goons dragged him away, but I don’t.
Maybe a younger me would have; a Marlowe who hadn’t been sexualised as soon as her body began to round out, who hadn’t been fetishised by older, primarily white men. Maybe a younger me.
Thinking about last night brings me back to the moment a gun was held to my head and the metal was cold and hard and I could smell the gunpowder, and I cannot—
My hands feel clammy, and I swipe them over my thighs and clear my throat.
“Won’t Ryker come after us?”
Tanisira doesn’t look worried at all, but he doesn’t seem like the kind of man who lets things go.
“He won’t appreciate how, but the transaction was complete. I left payment when I could have taken both it and the medicine. He may be a snake, but he’s also a businessman; he’s not stupid enough to bother. It’d be different if we lived on Novus.”
I stare, incredulous at how blasé she sounds.
Tanisira shrugs. “Ryker doesn’t scare me. When he had you in that room, I was terrified, but he doesn’t know who you are. You’re safe.”
A lump tries to form in my throat. There’s no way I’m about to get emotional about this in front of her, so I start unpacking our lunch.
“You never have to think about him again.”
My head snaps up at the gravel in her tone.
She’s watching me intently, deadly serious, and it sends my stomach swooping.
Cursed stars, after everything I’ve learned, I shouldn’t be attracted to the idea of her causing harm, using her body as a weapon.
But I remember how adept she was with the Pulse Guard, the sheer lethality of her motions, the speed and the grace.
She moved like a shadow. And maybe it’s in response to the fuckery of last night, but it affects my body in a way violence never has before; desire drip drip drips like honey in my veins.
Tanisira protected me. I fucked up her plan and she didn’t even hesitate.
“What?” She jerks me out of my daydream. “Why are you looking at me like that?”
“Where did you get the weapon?”
It’s the first thing I can think of—Tanisira doesn’t push, though.
“There are a few places on the waystation.” She tilts her head. “If you know where to go. I… learned about them from previous clients.”
I quirk an eyebrow “And do you make a habit of carrying illegal weapons these days?”
“No.”
Her gaze slides away, and a second later, I hear soft footsteps behind me. Vee throws himself down at my side and I strike, planting a big kiss on his cheek, hoping to lighten the mood. He whines and pouts at me.
“That’s for being late.”
“I wasn’t late. I was here, exploring!”
I hope he didn’t hear any of our conversation; he’s been so happy during this journey, and it would be a shame if Vee’s memories of Tanisira were tainted.
He looks blissfully unaware, though, surprising me by putting his head on my lap.
I watch him pull a bundle of Lunar Lotus out of his pocket and proceed to shove them into his mouth in one go.
I try not to wince at the pocket fluff he’s ingesting. Gross.
“You okay, baby?” I murmur, sifting my fingers through his curls. The days of Vee coming to me for cuddles and kisses are so far and few between that this is a little strange.
He hums and reaches for a sandwich, pushes that into his mouth in one go, too.
When I glance up, Tanisira’s observing us with an expression I can only describe as longing, her eyes fixed on my hand as it cards through Vee’s hair. I don’t say anything, just watch her watching us until her focus glides away. She takes a sharp inhale and comes back to the present.
“Where did you go?” I ask.
“Tell me about your parents,” she says instead.
I laugh. It’s so ironic that I’ve orchestrated a picnic date with my two favourite people only to end up being stonewalled by both.
With an exaggerated squint, I say, “I just realised you’re now one of my favourite people.”
Tanisira blinks. Her hands, laid flat on the ground on either side of her, twitch. She appears to be having a system shut down.
“Why?” She manages to choke out eventually.
“Why not?” I counter, wanting to push her buttons a little. But she doesn’t laugh, doesn’t even ghost a smile. She looks...
“I don’t know that I deserve that distinction.”
She looks lost. And I can’t believe that this woman, who did all those things for me yesterday, thinks she doesn’t deserve this. This little thing.
My heart feels heavy behind my ribs, and a sad smile slips free. “Oh, Tee. How ever are we going to say goodbye to you?”
Her reaction is visceral; it’s a recoil, a violent flinch. Vee suddenly leaps up with a cry and darts away, faster than I’ve ever seen him move. My stomach drops. There’s a delay in my reaction, but then I chase after Vee, wondering what just happened?
Of all the places on the ship, I find him on the bridge, curled up at Tanisira’s station.
Most days, I marvel at how tall he’s gotten, at how soon he’ll overtake me in height, but right now he looks small.
I lay a hand on the back of his neck, and it feels too warm.
With his face buried in his arms, his crying is muffled.
I kneel beside him. “Vee, what is it? What’s wrong?”
“I don’t want to leave,” he finally sniffles.
My heart breaks. “Baby, I know. Trust me, I know. But we have lives to get back to; we can’t stay on this ship. The Midas is your father’s, and he uses it for business purposes. It wouldn’t always be like this if we stayed, anyway.”
“It’s not fair.”
“Why’s that?”
“I don’t want to go to Suryavana. Dad doesn’t even like me. Can’t we just stay on the ship and go back with the crew?”
That hits me like ice water, and I jerk back.
Vee has never said anything like this before.
A lot of the time, I wonder what he sees in Dominik.
I genuinely thought he was excited about the Mars trip.
I’ve always tried so hard to foster a healthy relationship between him and his father—this whole time. ..?
It’s my fault he thinks Dominik’s disinterested; Vee doesn’t know that his father and I have fought for custody. I should have told him.
“Why do you think your dad doesn’t like you?”
Vee shakes his head, then blurts, “He’s never there, and when he is, he treats me like an annoying kid. He says weird stuff about you, and his girlfriend is dumb. He makes Opal babysit me. He just gives me stuff to keep me quiet.”
I stare at the side of his head, wide-eyed and stunned. There was a lot of bitterness behind his words. He’s a kid; he shouldn’t have to be bitter about anything.
Has Vee been pretending to enjoy his weeks with Dominik this whole time?
I flounder for something to say. Wanting to soothe him without invalidating his feelings, I’m honestly coming up empty—I’m just so surprised.
It’s like having a whole house of cards come toppling down around you.
I built the house, always spoke about how sturdy it was, and it turns out I did a shit job of it.
“Baby,” I murmur, pulling him towards me. He lets me, falls against my chest, and then pushes me away. It’s gentle, like he just needs some space, so I step away. Blinking at me through reddened eyes, Vee swipes at his damp cheeks.
“I’m not a baby. Tanisira’s been teaching me to captain the ship. If she won’t, then I could do it. We could just take it and go somewhere Dad can’t find us.”
Every word carves a piece out of me. Vee deserves everything he wants, but we can’t have this. Deep down, I think he knows that, too.
“I believe you could.” I nod. “But if we hijacked this ship, we’d have to stay away forever.
Eventually, the crew would miss their family and their friends.
And vice versa. Imagine never seeing Nana and Gramps again.
Or James? Could you be happy never talking to Ash again?
You couldn’t contact her; she’s your best friend and the police would be expecting it. ”
His teeth work at his lip as he thinks. In concentration, Vee looks so much like Dominik.
Forget everything else: it’s killing me that my boy thinks his father doesn’t even like him.
There’s a fire kindling to life in me, an anger that I thought I’d moved on from.
I may have disliked Dominik, but I didn’t hate him; I didn’t care enough about him to hate him.
Hearing those words from Vee’s mouth might have just changed that.
Abruptly, Vee slumps in the chair. This time, he doesn’t push me away when I embrace him. His little body shakes against me.
“What are you gonna do?” he asks.
I frown. “What do you mean?”
“You and Cap—Tanisira. What are you gonna do when you can’t see her anymore?”
“What are you on about?”
“Like I said, I’m not a baby. I can captain a ship, Mum.”
And that makes me laugh, despite myself—slightly hysterical chuckles that come from the depths of my stomach and dislodge his head. He pulls away and blinks up at me.
“You really like Tanisira, huh?” I ask, hoping to distract him. Not because I don’t think he’s old enough for the truth, but because I don’t know the answer myself.
“She’s so much cooler than Dad’s girlfriend.”
“She’s not my girlfriend, Vee.”
The cheeky little bastard just grins as if he thinks I’m both lying and that I’m bad at it. “Won’t you miss her?”
“Vee—”