Tethered

Chapter 22 - Longing #2

He sighs. Sighs! “She makes you happy, Mum. You think I don’t pay attention, but I do. I’m ten; I’m not stupid.”

I look back at him, at a loss for words. The lump in my throat is back.

“We’ve got to stop meeting like this.”

Tanisira graces me with a sliver of a smile.

I know without asking that she’s still thinking about earlier.

I found her on the observation deck, having slipped away to give Vee and me space on the bridge.

Once he’d emotionally regulated, he disappeared, too, saying he was going to play some games—the underlying message being that he’d had enough of me babying him.

He was going to do big boy stuff, like sublimate his feelings with video games and shoot a few zombies.

My own feelings are a cyclone within me, and there’s no chance I can sublimate any of them; I’m the adult here.

I don’t know what to do about the situation I’ve found myself in.

I snuck onboard my rich baby daddy’s ship to kidnap my son back, and ended up in a pseudo-relationship with the captain, who my son is obsessed with and who I don’t want to leave behind either. It’s practically a soap opera.

My heart feels like it’s being tugged in a dozen different directions. I should have stuck to my guns— I was protecting us both when I told Tanisira that it was better to think of this connection finite. Mostly, though, I was protecting myself. I can admit that now.

“Is Vee okay?”

I nod absentmindedly. “He’s just not ready to reach Mars tomorrow.”

Tanisira sighs softly. “Neither are we, it seems.”

“No, neither are we.”

The silences between us have taken on a new weight over the past few hours. I’d love to go back to the way they were, when it didn’t feel like whole lifetimes were crammed into them. I wish we could just exist.

“You never told me what it was you wanted to do,” Tanisira suddenly says, leaning back against the handrail.

“What do you mean?”

“When you worry that you’ve left your dreams behind, what is it you think of?”

“Oh.” I peer at her, wondering why this is coming up now. It feels like the wrong thing to be talking about. But, also, no one has ever actually asked me, and I’m a little embarrassed.

Tanisira waits.

“You can’t laugh,” I say sternly.

“I would never do that.”

Squinting, I size her up. This woman has seen me naked, but this feels harder than stripping in front of her. I lace my fingers behind my back so she can’t see my tremors.

“I studied engineering because my parents pushed me to, but I always wanted to go into…”

Tanisira raises an eyebrow.

“Tattoo artistry,” I finish.

She doesn’t even twitch. “You draw?”

My chest feels wrung out. It’s a career, like any other, and can be a great one if you build a substantial portfolio and client base.

There are so many exciting developments in body modification.

Still, I’ve always found it hard to tell people; the few who found out weren’t exactly supportive.

Tattooing as a hobby: great. As a single mother’s career?

I might as well have suggested cannibalism.

Apparently, single parents aren’t allowed to have ideas above their station.

I’m still a little bitter about it.

I force my focus back to Tanisira. “I used to.”

“And then you had Vee?”

“Not just Vee—my whole life changed. Look, I don’t want you to think that I put my failures on—”

Tanisira steps shoots forward at that. “Not failures. You’re incredibly accomplished; I don’t think it’s being fair to yourself to call your experiences failures.”

“You might be right.”

“I know I am.” She slides her arms around my waist, sending sparks racing along my spine. “I don’t think I’ve ever been wrong about you.”

Those sparks settle into a single flame that licks at my bones. I don’t like that a simple touch from the captain can make me feel like this. I lean in so I can hide my face, my quickened breath. Her scent invades my nose, and I clutch at her.

“Should have ended it,” I whisper into her shoulder, pressing my lips against the material of her t-shirt. The heat of her skin translates through the fabric. Her arms tighten around me.

“You don’t have any tattoos,” she says.

Does she think she can distract me? When tomorrow looms so soon? I tried not to think about it too, but the charade has fallen, ripped apart by Vee’s outburst.

“Tanisira—”

“Tee,” she breathes against my temple.

“What?”

“I like it when you call me Tee.”

“End it,” I beg.

“You’ve got cold feet.”

I hear sadness in her voice, but I push the observation away, push it all away, push my face against her chest so hard I could hurt myself.

“This time it’s not about me. It’s about the little boy out there who worships you. He doesn’t know how we’re going to say goodbye.” I exhale heavily. “And neither do I, Tee. I’m not—I can’t—”

She moves slowly, like she doesn’t want to spook me, takes my face between her hands and leans away.

I can sense her waiting for me to meet her eyes.

Lifting my gaze is a herculean effort, but I force myself to do it, curl my hands around her wrists and feel her pulse stutter against my fingertips.

For a long moment, we just look at each other.

How the fuck did we get here? It feels like a fist is rearranging my insides. I just want it to stop.

“Okay,” Tanisira murmurs.

‘Okay.’ Not a tremor to be heard in her voice. Something acidic rises in my throat before I swallow it down. I can’t be upset because she’s listening to me. Giving me what I asked for.

I try to force back my disappointment, my dismay, but it’s a tidal wave I’m ill equipped to defend against.

Okay?

Unceremoniously, I pull away from her. “Okay?”

The word has now lost all meaning to me. As my heart sinks, I focus on the rapid flickering of her gaze over my face. In the end, it’s that easy for her?

“I’ll always respect your choices,” Tanisira says.

Her words are earnest, painfully so, but that only irritates me more.

And maybe it’s my trauma coming back to bite me again—with all my emotional supports blown wide open—because no one ever respected my choices.

I have to take a few deep breaths, remind myself that I literally just asked her to do this.

She looks back at me, inscrutable.

“Just like that?” I even manage to sound calm.

“You were going to be pissed off no matter what I said.”

“Don’t tell me what I—”

“Maybe you want this to hurt now, so it won’t hurt later. I get it, I really do, but I’m not going to let you start an argument with me, Marlowe. We have barely any time left with each other.”

I hate that she’s right. I feel insane, trying to pull myself together, not wanting to do exactly what she just said.

Tomorrow has become a spectre of itself; the death of something incredible before it could even start.

It sits in my throat like a razor blade, and I gag on the truth of it.

I’ll end up back home, and maybe I get to see Tanisira whenever she manages to visit Neo-London, but we both know it’s not promising.

Nothing will stop this from hurting.

Tanisira watches me with shadowed eyes. I itch to crawl back into her arms, but I thoroughly ruined the moment. I don’t know how to ease the tension between us. I don’t know how to not run.

Maybe it bleeds out into my expression; maybe she does just know me. She shifts, reaching out to take hold of me at the same moment that I turn to flee. Panic flares behind my ribcage. I avoid her touch, knowing that if she wraps her arms around me, I’ll crumble. I am so fucking tired.

But we both freeze as Kit appears before us.

I swallow down a yelp whilst Tanisira’s outstretched hand curls into a fist. Her body is pressed against my back, offering safety and shelter even though I was about to leave.

I didn’t know Kit could look so grim, and the sudden steel in Tanisira’s posture tells me something’s wrong.

“I’m sorry to interrupt—”

Kit’s image freezes and Beau’s voice filters through the observation deck.

“Err, Cap, something really weird just happened. A ship has been flagging us since Novus. It’s private. I just allowed their comms through, figuring I might take something off your plate, and they... well, you’d better listen to this.”

Tanisira’s face darkens. “Go ahead.”

Captain Sekmith, this is the Securitas IV ordering the Midas to stand by immediately for docking. If you don’t heed this order, we’ll be forced to take measures.

My jaw drops.

Tanisira’s expression has only become more furious. “Do not respond. I’m coming.”

She takes off, steps like hammer strikes. Without even thinking about it, I follow her to the bridge, trailed by Kit.

“When did this message come through?” Tanisira asks.

“A few minutes ago,” Beau replies, tapping away in the background.

“You said they’ve been hailing us since Novus?”

“Well,” Beau hesitates. “They’ve been tailing us. I checked the logs, and they’ve been in our wake since yesterday, but they hadn’t tried to make contact until now.”

Tanisira swears an impressive blue streak. If my stomach weren’t in my boots, I might have been impressed. “What do you know about the ship?” She barks.

“It’s owned by a private security company. Nothing else of much use; whoever they are, they’ve got the money to keep it on the low.”

“Don’t do anything until I get to the bridge.”

She’s walking so fast that I have to trot, but she’s aware of my presence, and as the door to the bridge sweeps open, she catches my eye. There’s regret there, and worry. For us? Or for this situation?

“Find a seat, strap yourself in. Make sure Vee is secure too. We might have to outrun this ship.”

And then she’s off, striding towards Beau, who looks frazzled and guilty. Vee stands just to their right, eyes wide with excitement. He thinks this is fun, but I can feel the tension in the air. The uncertainty is potent, and anxiety wells up in my stomach.

“Come on,” I murmur in Vee’s ear. “Let’s get strapped into one of these stations.”

“But, Mum—”

“You’ll still be able to see what’s happening. They need some space for this; they don’t think that ship’s friendly.”

Vee purses his mouth, contemplative, and it makes him look so mature. His expression becomes wry. “Just so you know, I’m qualified to deal with this situation, but I’ll let them handle it.”

I’m laughing as I usher him to one of the empty seats, taking the one beside him.

We fall into silence quickly, though, focusing on the trio on the bridge.

Kit stands to the side, dutifully waiting for when she’ll be needed.

Beau wrings their hands, looking the most uneasy I’ve ever seen them.

Making concise movements as she swipes through data, Tanisira is not someone to fuck with.

“—message so vague.” She scowls. “They could be anyone. Do they really expect us to let them board?”

“And why only send comms now?” Beau adds.

Tanisira folds her arms, glaring ahead as she thinks. There’s a beat or two of silence, and then she goes preternaturally still. “They were waiting for orders.”

The two look at each other.

“Bounty hunters?” Beau asks with dawning dread.

“Surya-ki laash,” Tanisira hisses. “Julian and Maximus.”

She’s moving before I’ve even processed it. Everyone’s ordered to secure themselves. Tanisira and Beau strap into their stations. Kit is given a mouthful of instructions. The bridge is swamped with a stifling silence before it suddenly sounds like a thousand engines are whirring to life around us.

They’re coming for Julian and Maximus. Tanisira yells something at me, and I just blink at her. What measures did they mean?

I watch as Tanisira gears this huge luxury ship to try and outrun a vessel that’s no doubt designed to do its job: capture.

My heart feels too big for its cage. I press my nails into my palms in the hopes that the pain might ground me a little.

Of course, I don’t believe she’d let anything happen to us, not for a second.

And of course, I don’t want Julian and Maximus to fall into the hands of bounty hunters. But what a fucking shitshow.

A giggle bursts out of me.

Everyone turns to stare at me, even Tanisira, who has drastically more important things to focus on.

And then the cacophony around us stops. Everything just stops.

It happens so swiftly that it’s nauseating, and I grip the arms of my seat as if it might stop me from toppling out, even though I’m belted in.

Beau startles, wide-eyed, and stares at their console as if it’s suddenly written in gibberish. “What—”

“Kit,” Tanisira barks. “What just happened?”

“The engines of the Midas were shut down with an override sequence.”

Tanisira’s expression blanks, eyelashes stutter, muscles tense. Fear on Tanisira is vulgar and harrowing, because if she’s afraid...

Her voice is tight. “Who’s overriding us?”

“Securitas IV.”