24
Zander
Favour From Hell
“I’M FUCKED.”
“Uh-oh. Now what?” Colin laughed in my ear as I made an emergency call to him. He wasn’t working today, and I didn’t want to risk this conversation in the staffroom where anyone might hear about my stalker-ish ways. I sat in my car in the car park, unable to stop the knotting of my gut or the rush of absolute bone-breaking lust to drive like a maniac back home and drag Sailor into bed.
“She asked me to sleep with her.”
“She what?” He coughed and spluttered as if he’d just taken a mouthful of something. “She actually came out and said that?”
“She texted it, but yes. Those exact words. ‘I want you to sleep with me.’”
He sniffed something non-committal as if weighing his words. “Keep in mind, I’m not a psychologist, but from my work with patients trying to be normal when they have to face a new normal, they sometimes have to go backward to go forward.” He paused, then said quietly, “Do you know the full details of what happened that night? With a request for sex—to ask you to replace her ex—that means he must’ve—”
“Tried to rape her.” I yanked off my glasses and threw them onto the passenger seat. “Yeah, he did.”
“Well, shit. I’m sorry, man.”
“Why the hell are you apologising to me for?”
“Because she’s using you to heal.”
“That’s exactly what I signed up for.” I groaned. “And I hate that I’m betraying her trust by talking to you about it.”
“Hate to say it, but if you didn’t offload to me, you’d be heading for your own issues. You take on too much, Zan. You take people’s pain personally, and you need to learn how to stop that.”
“I didn’t call to discuss me. What do I do? How do I help her without making her worse?”
“I suppose you have to ask yourself how far you’re willing to go.”
“You’re suggesting I do what she asks?”
“Only if you’re happy to fuck her back to health, knowing that one day she might be done having a masked stranger give her an orgasm and be ready to move on. Because that’s what this is. She’s treating you as temporary. She’s asked you for a favour that most of us would never have the guts to ask for, all because she doesn’t think you’re real. Not in the true sense of the word.”
“So I cut all contact then? I let X disappear. I make her hate him?”
“You could try to cultivate those feelings she has toward you as Zander, not X.”
“She’ll never look at me the same way. I dropped off that kitten this morning, and she almost bolted down the street to get away from me.” I sagged in the driver’s seat, my head about to split open. “Plus, killing off X and making her respond to me as Zander would never work. What if I slip and give away the fact that I was X? The same guy who barged uninvited into her life, then left without a goodbye the moment she has the courage to ask for something she needs?” Agonising humour had me chuckling. “Do you know I’m actually jealous of him? I’m jealous of myself. I’m so fucking jealous, Col, that it’s X who gets to comfort her and not me.”
Colin sucked in a breath. His tone turned stark and serious. “You need to stop this. Right now. Not just for her sake but your own. You can’t sleep with her. We both know you suck at casual sex. You catch feelings, Zan. And you’re already in way too deep as it is.”
“I know all of that. But I don’t want to stop helping her just because I’m the one struggling.” Hanging my head, I pinched the bridge of my nose, trying to rub away the indentations left behind by my glasses. “I love the fact that she’s healing enough to want to start speeding up the process. I love that she’s brave enough to even want sex after what happened. But just ’cause she didn’t recognise me last night doesn’t mean she won’t when I’m goddamn inside her. That would be rape, right? She’s given consent to a man who’s not who she thinks he is.”
“Technically, I suppose it might be, but if you think about it…almost all of us hide parts of ourselves during those first initial times. We’re all insecure and make up stories. It’s only when we’re comfortable that we drop the act.”
“This is different than me fibbing that I like wine on a date instead of beer. If I tell the truth and she hates me even more, I have to move to Australia, remember?”
“Yeah, there is that.”
I laughed with every ache that’d slowly been suffocating me. “Even if I was prepared to do it, how would I? What am I supposed to do? Get naked with her but keep my mask on?”
“Wait. I forgot to ask. You said you were with her last night?” His voice turned cagey. “Did you dye your hair and wear the contacts like I told you to?”
“I did. I even pinched on that hideous eyebrow piercing.”
“Wow, you did? That was just for shits and giggles.” He chuckled, injecting some much-needed light-hearted energy into this very heavy conversation. “Okay…so you were with her last night and she didn’t recognise you. Interesting. Told you the Clark Kent effect was real.”
“There’s no way in hell I’d risk it without my mask.”
“How long were you with her?”
“Four hours, I guess. Got there at two, left at six. But I crashed hard, Col. The second she fell asleep on me, I was out cold thanks to being awake for so long. I don’t know if she sneaked a peek while I was unconscious. I have no idea how I ended up wrapped around her. Maybe I did something inappropriate in my exhausted state? Maybe I touched her? Can you molest someone in your dreams by accident?”
“I’d hardly call it molesting if she’s asking you to sleep with her.”
“This is so fucking bad.” I groaned and let my head fall back on the headrest. “What do I type back?”
“Wait, you haven’t written back yet? Jesus, way to give the poor girl a complex.”
“You’re not exactly helping! Just tell me what I should do.”
He fell silent for a bit before huffing. “No idea. It’s your call how far you’re willing to go. There’s a big difference between messaging her as X and sleeping with her as her hidden neighbour. Like you say, it could blow up big time. And I still think you shouldn’t do it for your own mental health.”
I trembled and clutched my steering wheel. “Exactly. There’s no way I can do it. No way I can ever go that far.”
“Then I guess you have your answer. Let her down as easy as you can. I hate to admit it but maybe you’re right and you should end it.”
Images of Sailor so freaking scared last night came to mind. All her rambling messages to distract herself from her fear. I didn’t want her to live like that anymore. I wanted her to laugh and dance and be the flower fairy next door that always followed in Melody’s footsteps.
“As much as I should, I can’t walk away. I’ll just…I need to figure out a way to keep things platonic.”
“Good luck with that.” He cleared his throat. “I’m about to head into the gym. I’ll talk to you later.”
“Thanks for helping with this, Colin. Truly.”
“Meh, what are friends for? If one isn’t used as an accessory to a stalker/identity crime at least once in their friendship, can they truly say they were friends?”
I managed a laugh before I hung up and stared at the messages from Sailor. I couldn’t stop reading that last line: So, my totally brutally honest confession is…I want you to sleep with me.
The clinical part of my brain did its best to untangle the emotional part of my heart. If she was healing, it was natural to reclaim the parts of herself that were almost stolen. Sex was a part of her healing. I couldn’t give it to her personally, but…I could help in another way.
The idea exploded without warning.
Don’t be ridiculous.
You can’t do that.
It could backfire so bad.
But not any worse than sleeping with her under a false identity.
Snatching my glasses, I shoved them back on so I could see without the typical fuzz, and then went online shopping.
* * * * *
With a groan, I slipped out of my car and stretched out the kinks in my spine.
Luckily, I’d finished my shift and had been free to go home. No emergencies. No overtime. I couldn’t remember being as exhausted as I had been the past few weeks. All I wanted was an ice-cold beer, some takeout, and to crash into oblivion on my lounger on the back deck.
Only…I had to go and retrieve a cat from my neighbour. The same neighbour who asked me to sleep with her. I had to look her in the eyes and pretend I didn’t know she was actively trying to move on. I had to lie to her face when all I wanted to do was drop to my knees and grant her every wish.
Moving toward her driveway, I clutched my car keys.
I…I needed a moment.
Ten minutes to get my head on straight and not look as run over as I felt before I reclaimed the kitten.
Striding toward my front door, I flinched as Sailor opened hers and waved.
She waved.
She approached me with the kitten in the crook of her arm, her eyes soft and tentatively happy instead of blank and strained.
She was absolutely beautiful in a linen dress with spaghetti straps. The off-white material kissed her bare feet and hugged all her slender curves. The cat watched me smugly as if knowing exactly where my mind had gone.
“Hi,” she said softly.
I almost fell flat on my face.
My fingers strayed to my glasses, pushing them higher up my nose in case I was seeing things.
“Did you have a good day at work, Zander?”
I staggered a little. “Y-You’re not calling me Alexander anymore.”
Hefting the kitten a little higher, she attempted a smile, but it still came out like a grimace. “It was rude of me to keep calling you by a name you have never gone by, even if it is technically your name. I guess I was using it to keep distance between us.”
I needed to wash my ears out.
What is happening?
After decades of avoiding me, why was she suddenly talking to me?
The back of my neck prickled. I raked a hand through my hair, needing to reboot my brain because she’d successfully short-circuited it. “Eh…it’s fine.”
You’re a fool, Zander North.
Her smile became genuine as she looked at the orange puff ball in her arms. “I’ve fed him three times. He’s a glutton. He’s also made my pillow his bed and is a terrible helper in the kitchen, but he’s freaking adorable.”
I held out my hand. “Thanks so much for looking after him for the day. I’ll take him back so you can get some rest.”
“Oh.” She tensed and stepped away. Her eyes flickered with tension as she dared look at me. “Are you still planning on dropping him off at the shelter?”
I nodded. “Not right now, seeing as it’s Sunday night, but yes. Tomorrow, I’ll take him. I have an afternoon shift so I can do it in the morning.”
“Oh.”
That word again. A sad little word full of unsaid things.
I dropped my hand slowly. “Is everything okay?”
Sniffing, she nodded and went to pass over the kitten. “Yes, of course. Um…I’ll have to grab all the food you gave me. Oh, and I named him.”
My hand went back up, ready to scoop the tiny cat. I stepped into her.
Goosebumps scattered down my arms, matching the flush hitting hers. I couldn’t take my eyes off the fine hair on her forearms reacting the same way mine did.
What did that mean?
Goosebumps could be a fear response or reaction to pleasant stimuli.
Was she seeing past the pain of Milton and remembering who I truly was?
And why did that bring a spike of jealousy?
Fuck, I couldn’t catch a break.
I was jealous of X when I was myself. And now I was jealous of myself because she was being nice to me over X.
You’re seriously screwed up, you know that?
With a hitched breath, she closed the distance between us and placed the kitten into my hand. He was small enough to fit in just one palm. Our fingers brushed. She sucked in a breath.
Her eyelashes flashed wide as our gazes snagged and the entire street fell away.
Fireworks detonated in my bloodstream. Hellfire raced through my veins. I barely managed to stay standing as she gasped under her breath and wrenched her hand back, leaving me clutching the Cheeto-coloured kitten.
“Um, his name is Penguin,” she said quietly, her voice wobbling as if she was near tears. “He had a long nap while I did some harvesting and housework, so he might be a bit bouncy later. I-I’ll go get his food.” She spun on her bare feet and went to fly back to her house.
I had no control as I reached out and snatched her wrist, wrenching her back to face me.
My fingers wrapped tight, not letting her go.
We both stopped breathing.
Her face filled with terror. My heart pounded with so many things.
But I couldn’t seem to release her.
I couldn’t stop my thumb from stroking over the bruises from another asshole’s fingers. I couldn’t prevent myself from stepping into her and drowning in her glittering blue eyes.
“W-What—?” With a feeble pull, she tried to get free.
With white noise roaring in my ears, my synapses no longer fired, and I couldn’t unwind my fingers. “You’re safe with me, Sailor. You have my absolute word, I will never ever hurt you.”
“Then why are you holding me against my will?”
Her voice finally bypassed whatever caveman urges had rendered me useless. I let her go so fast, her arm swung to her side, and she stumbled backward.
“Sorry, I only meant...” Adjusting my glasses, I looked down at the kitten—Penguin—in my hand. He pouted. His little whiskers singed and twisted. His green eyes not nearly as vibrant as before.
He stared at Sailor like I did. Wanting something that wasn’t his.
I pitied the little fellow.
But…just because I don’t stand a chance doesn’t mean—
“You know what?” Clearing my throat, I held out the cat. “I’ve had a really long day at the hospital. I’m going to crash early. Do you think you could look after him for one more night?”
Her eyes lit up far too quickly for her to hide the sudden spark of joy.
Joy.
Fucking hell.
My heart shattered into pieces and then reformed in two parts with a jagged line down the centre. It accepted its fate of being broken for the rest of my life because I only wanted this woman, and even if she got over the triggers I caused, she’d never forgive me for being X.
“You want me to keep him?” She stepped closer, her gaze locked on the cat. “I mean…I don’t have any experience with animals. I might do something wrong.”
“By the way he’s looking at you, I think you did everything right.”
“Really?” Her lips quirked in a self-conscious smile.
It was too soon to suggest she keep him. But as her fingers came out to scoop the kitten from my palm, rewarding me with an electrical shock that arched right to my toes, I hoped she’d adopt him. I hoped the kitten had come to me for this exact purpose—not to find a life with me but to fall madly in love with Sailor.
I know the feeling, little buddy .
The cat meowed as if it’d been separated from her for years before snuggling in the hollow spot of her collarbone. Sailor sighed heavily and closed her eyes, hugging him back.
The moment was so intimate, I squeezed the back of my neck and dropped my gaze.
The suggestion that he’d already found his forever home danced on my tongue, but I didn’t want to scare her off. Plus…coming over to ‘collect him’ was a good excuse to see her again tomorrow.
“Why Penguin, by the way?” I cleared my throat, forcing myself to smile like a normal person and not a crazy fool.
For a second, she lost all fear of me and grinned. “I was throwing random words around, and he seemed to like it. I’ve already shortened it to Peng, though. The ‘guin’ is a bit of a mouthful.”
“And what does Peng mean?”
“No idea. But he’s Peng.” Cradling him, she backstepped toward her front door. “I’ll keep him overnight for you. I hope you get some sleep, Zander. You work too hard.”
Before I could reply, she spun and darted back inside.