25
Sailor
Surprise in the Letterbox
ME: I TAKE BACK WHAT I SAID before. It’s obviously made you uncomfortable and I’m sorry. Let’s forget about it.
I sat on the floor in the snug where I’d been watching a TV show on my tablet with Peng fast asleep on my lap. I should go to bed. It was late, and I’d officially done nothing all day but play with my new addiction known as the kitten. I’d barely been able to cook dinner without burning my chicken fillets, thanks to Peng bouncing around my countertops and batting at all the drying herbs.
How embarrassing that I’d almost cried when I’d handed him back to Zander. How stupid could I be to become so attached in just a few hours? But having little Peng spend the night with me? Having him knead my hair and purr? All those things were fast becoming my favourite things in the world.
What am I going to do tomorrow when Zander comes to collect him?
How early would he pop around? Was I really going to let him take Peng to the shelter?
Are you really ready for a pet though? Something reliant on you for everything? Something that will restrict your travel and other freedoms?
I scoffed at myself.
I’d never liked to travel, and what other freedoms? I’d successfully ensured I had none, but with Peng I already felt braver about the world. The house cracking—as the old walls cooled from yet another hot summer day—didn’t scare me nearly as much.
I didn’t feel as if I was being watched.
I wasn’t so afraid of being alone.
Peng’s head suddenly shot up, his little ears pricked toward the living room where the old box TV rested by the wall. The snug off to the side held a beaten-up tan couch and a low coffee table where we used to have Monopoly nights and Pops tried to teach me chess. It’d always been one of my favourite rooms to sprawl and read or do a puzzle.
Milton had preferred the living room to watch his sports. In a way, the snug was untainted and the urge to rip out all the furniture and carpet in the living room had me itching for daylight to continue my renovation.
Peng hissed just as the box TV sprang on, hissing back with snow and white noise.
I didn’t jump this time. I didn’t scream or have a panic attack.
The TV wasn’t Milton there to murder me.
It was the conduit from the woman I loved most in the world.
“Hey, Nana.” I grinned and plucked Peng off my lap and held him out to the empty room. “Say hi to Peng.”
The kitten stopped hissing and cocked his head as if hearing something otherworldly. They did say that was why cats were always favoured in folklore. The many myths hinting that they could sense ghosts and demons.
Stroking him, I murmured, “It’s okay, little man, it’s only Nana come to check on us.”
The TV kept blaring. It might start on its own, but it never turned off by itself. Sighing, I climbed to my feet and carried my little ginger-ninja into the living room. His fur bristled, but he stopped growling.
I flicked the old switch dial. “There. Silence.”
The curtains rustled with no breeze. Warmth filled me instead of ice. It felt like Nana was checking on me. That she approved of the new freeloader living in her home.
Kissing Peng on his head, I carried him into the kitchen for a final snack.
My cell phone pinged as I placed him on the counter and filled up a saucer with some more formula. Already he didn’t feel as ribby. His fur not as coarse.
Leaving him to slurp up his fifth and final meal of the day, I returned to the snug and grabbed my phone off the floor.
X: I didn’t mean to leave it this long to reply. I’m sorry. That was cruel of me to leave you hanging on such a sensitive subject. I’ve tried to reply numerous times, but I keep failing on an appropriate response .
My heart kicked as I tapped the keyboard.
Me: What response do you want to give me?
X: It doesn’t matter what I want. But I will be honest and say I want you. I’d be a liar if I didn’t. Falling asleep with you last night was one of the best experiences of my life, and we only hugged. I find you absolutely gorgeous, and of course I’d love to take you up on the offer, but…
Me: But?
X: I’m not going to take advantage of you.
Me: Even though I’m asking you to? Technically, I’m the one taking advantage of you.
X: As much as I want to, I can’t, Lori. Not yet.
My chest squeezed as if he’d strapped me into a corset.
Me: Not yet?
X: I mean. Shit. I didn’t mean to type that last bit .
Me: I’m happy with not yet. I can wait.
Before he could reply and deny that there was any chance between us, I changed the subject.
Me: I’m thinking of adopting a stray kitten. Tell me why that’s a bad idea and why I shouldn’t do it.
X: I think that’s a fabulous idea and you should definitely do it.
Me : Gee, thanks for being the voice of reason.
X: I am being the voice of reason. I’d love a pet myself if I had the time.
Me: You can come meet mine if you want? See if we’re a suitable match? In fact, I’d love your opinion on whether I’m making the right choice. Maybe I’ll make a terrible cat carer.
X: You won’t. He’ll already be in love with you. And I can’t tonight. I’m away, remember. I’ll be gone for a few days.
Me: Oh. Okay. Have a safe trip.
X: I’ll still be watching you.
Me: On the cameras you installed in my garden?
X: Yes.
Me: What if I told you to take them down? That I don’t want you watching me anymore?
X: Then I’d respect your wishes and do what you asked.
I chewed the inside of my cheek.
Damn you, X. Damn you for being such a gentleman.
A stalker who was a gentleman. What an oxymoron.
Me: Keep the cameras where they are. Message me tomorrow. Goodnight.
X: Sweet dreams, Lori. Xx
Focusing on the two little kisses he’d sent, I accepted that was enough for now and went to retrieve my new best friend. And for the first time since coming back from the hospital, bruised and traumatised, I went to bed without panic, without memories, and slept with a tiny guardian on my pillow.
* * * * *
Grabbing the oblong box that’d been delivered into my gingerbread letterbox, I looked up just as Zander closed his front door and strolled toward me. Ten a.m. Far too early to claim the little beast who had captured my heart.
Dressed in dark jeans and a white t-shirt, he’d traded his everyday glasses for sunglasses and his rich red hair glittered with fire streaks under the already hot summer sunshine.
My heart skittered in a totally different panic than usual.
Strange that my fear where Zander was concerned now centred around wanting to keep Peng and not just the triggers Milton had instilled in me.
Hugging the box—another gift from Lily most likely because I didn’t order it—I braced myself not to run and lock the door. “Good morning, Zander.”
He gave me his typical reserved smile. Not able to see his eyes, I couldn’t judge if he’d caught up on sleep or if running a stray cat to the shelter annoyed him.
“Morning, Sailor.” He tipped his chin and stopped by my letterbox. His attention dropped to the package in my arms. One second, he stood loose with his hands by his sides. The next, he was as stiff as a tree with his fists clenched.
Wow…what?
A wash of anxiety cut through me.
I backed up a step. Even though he promised he’d never hurt me, it still didn’t stop the fight-or-flight from kicking in.
“Maybe he’ll take you like I did, slut. But you’d like that, wouldn’t you? After all, you’re begging masked men for a fuck. Why not let your nerdy neighbour have a turn?”
Trembling, I did my best to shut out Milton’s horrible voice.
Zander swallowed hard and cleared his throat. “A present from someone?”
I frowned and looked at the box I clutched like a rubber ring, all while drowning in a sea of anxiety. “It’ll probably be from Lily. We randomly send each other things now and again.” I hefted it. “I haven’t bought anything online for a while, so it has to be her.”
It could be from X.
The tiny thought appeared and grew louder.
He’d dropped a phone into my letterbox. Would he send another parcel?
Curiosity itched to dash inside to check, but I stood my ground and prepared to deliver the speech I’d practiced in front of the bathroom mirror.
“Uh, Zander, I—”
“So, Sailor, I—”
We both laughed awkwardly as we spoke over one another.
“Sorry, you go.” He unclenched his fist and waved politely. “What did you want to say?”
Standing as tall as I could, I forced out. “Do you mind if I keep Peng for another few days? I have a friend popping round to meet him. I…I might be interested in adopting him.”
His smile didn’t change, almost as if he knew this would happen. Had that been his evil plan all along? Was Peng a stray or some carefully planned gift?
Why would my neighbour give me a gift?
Because he knows you. He knows you’re alone. He knows you’re not coping. He’s a doctor, and it’s probably in the Healing Handbook. Isn’t that why people have service dogs?
Shaking my inner thoughts away, I went to say something else, but Zander said quietly, “It means hot or goodlooking, by the way.”
“What does?”
“Peng.” He grinned. “Your new cat’s name. I did a Google search to see if it meant anything. It means attractive or excellent in Chinese. So…he better grow out of the ugly kitten stage and become the most stunning orange cat on the street, or he’s living a false identity.”
“Oh!” I returned his smile. “Jeez, we can’t have that. Lying about one’s identity would alert the neighbourhood watch.”
He flinched but covered it with another smirk. “And of course you can keep him. Keep him however long you want. He isn’t mine.” He leaned a little closer. “If I’m honest, I feel like he used me to get to you.” He tugged off his sunglasses, pinning me with his violently green eyes. “Not that I blame him.”
Once again, a tsunami of goosebumps covered me head to toe like they did yesterday. I hadn’t been able to tell if it was fear or attraction yesterday, but today…I stumbled in shock to find my heart beat a little faster. My skin flushed a little hotter.
How had I never seen just how gorgeous he was?
If Peng meant attractive, well…Zander was peng with a capital P.
Oh my goodness, Lor, do you hear yourself?
How did my libido suddenly spring from death’s door and now crushed on all the boys? What was I thinking , ogling Zander in that way?
For a quick second, I felt guilty.
What would X think?
But did it matter what he thought? We had no understanding. We weren’t dating. We weren’t even technically friends. And Zander had been in my life for well…all of it.
He didn’t count.
He might not turn you down if you asked him for sex. X said no, remember?
My cheeks burned with embarrassment.
Backpedalling, I tripped, managed to somehow stay upright, then practically sprinted to my front door. “Sorry, forgot the oven is on. Byeeeee!”
Diving inside, I slammed the door and rested against it.
Peng came trotting toward me from the kitchen, his little meow curious and almost judgey.
“Don’t look at me like that,” I warned, scooping him up one-handed. My legs trembled a little as I plopped the kitten and the parcel on the dining room table. “ I certainly wasn’t looking at Zander like that.”
Peng sniffed the box while I went to get some scissors.
I rubbed my chest as another wash of prickles infected my heart. I still felt guilty but, at the same time…a little less trapped.
For the first time since Milton beat me, I was able to look at Zander without feeling phantom kicks, punches to my face, or my hair ripped out. I saw him as his own person and not the catalyst for my attempted murder.
And…I was grateful.
I could ignore the part where he unwittingly made my system flare with need and the fact that my sexuality seemed to be waking up. I could also work on not shutting myself off so I could move on from this and be happy again.
“Any ideas what Lily could’ve sent?” I smirked as I placed the scissors on top of the box and snapped a photo with Peng still sniffing a corner.
Sending the pic to Lily, I typed.
Me: You didn’t have to send me anything. But thank you for being such a great bestie .
She called me almost instantly. “Hey, hey, how’s my little moonbeam doing today?”
I laughed and tucked my phone on my shoulder so I could talk while slicing through the tape on the box. “I’m doing better, actually.”
“You definitely sound better.” She clucked her tongue. “However, I can’t claim credit, because I didn’t send you anything.”
So it is from X…
Lily’s voice echoed in my ear. “Please tell me why there’s a manky-looking kitten on your table.”
I scratched Peng under his chin. “Don’t call my cat manky.”
“Hold up. Your cat?”
Opening the parcel but not retrieving the item inside, I put down the scissors and sat in one of the chairs. “He’s a rescue. Zander found him. He asked me to look after him when he had to go to work, and now…I’m thinking of adopting him.” I sighed with aching affection as Peng jumped off the table and plopped into my lap with a purr.
“We literally spoke yesterday morning, yet so much has happened.” A crunch sounded as if Lily bit into something. “Tell me everything. And don’t think I didn’t hear you call your hot-as-sin neighbour Zander. You’ve never done that before. It’s always been Alexander this and Alexander that. I always knew what you were doing.”
I frowned. “What was I doing?”
“Keeping your distance.”
“You’re right. I told him that too. Yesterday, when he came to collect Peng to take him to the shelter, I apologised for using a name that he doesn’t go by.”
“Wait…you told him that you actively tried keeping distance between you?”
“Yep. Like I told you…progress. I don’t want to live the way I have been anymore. I’m ready to heal. And it’s all thanks to this magical little kitten.”
“A kitten that you’ve called…what was it? Pang?”
“It’s technically Penguin, but it’s been shortened. He’s going to grow up to be the biggest, most beautiful ginger cat on the block.”
“Who are you and what did you do with my friend?”
“I’m the new and improved version.”
“I like all versions. But I’m warning you, you better not get any more cats. You’re single and live alone. I can see how this could escalate to you becoming the local weirdo with a million pussies.”
Another giggle escaped, feeling so free, so like the old me. “Noted. No more pussies.”
“You don’t need more. You barely use the one you have now.”
“Oh my God, Lily!” I burst out laughing, just like I used to when she made inappropriate jokes in class. “You can’t talk. I bet yours is covered in cobwebs and has a haunted sign.”
“Actually, it met someone with fixer-upper potential.”
“ You met someone ?!” I sat up straight, scaring Peng a little. “Tell me everything, and stop talking about your lady parts in the third person. Where did you meet him? How? When? What’s his name?”
“Jeez, hold the interrogation.” She chuckled. “His name is Aubrey. We met at an open home. He’s divorced and not looking for anything serious. But…he’s a builder by trade, and we got talking about my development, and he offered to help draw up the plans I need to lodge with council so…”
“Oh wow. I feel like I’m about to be replaced as number one in your life.”
“Never!” She giggled. “Never ever. You’re stuck with me. Now, seeing as I didn’t send you a gift, I’m curious. What is it? Who’s it from? Have you opened it yet?”
Standing, I placed Peng back on the table and dragged the box a little closer. “Not yet. Should I see what’s inside?”
“Tell me. Tell me.”
My smile fell as common sense came rushing back.
If it is from X, do you really want her to know?
I couldn’t tell her. He was the only thing I’d ever kept secret from her. If she asked me point-blank if I still talked to him, I’d fail at lying.
“Eh, you know what? I might open it later.”
“You what?” she screeched dramatically. “No way. How can you wait to open a present? You truly are a weirdo. Open it. Maybe it’s from your sexy neighbour. He might have been waiting this entire time for you to call him by his real name to finally ask you out.”
I shivered. “Don’t be ridiculous.”
Zander’s glowing green eyes shot to mind. The way he’d stiffened as he’d looked at the box in my arms. His sudden wariness followed by a smile that said so much and so little.
“If you don’t open it, I’m going over there and doing it myself.”
“Fine. Fine.” I sighed heavily, hating that I’d backed myself into a corner. “Hang on.” Pulling out layers of bubble wrap, I found a sleek black box at the bottom. Snagging it, I placed it on the tabletop, then fumbled one-handedly with the bronze clasp.
“What is it?”
“Patience, patience.”
I flipped the lid open.
I squeaked and almost dropped my phone.
“Sails?” Lily asked. “Sails. What is it? Are you okay?”
“Uh, yeah…yeah, I’m okay.” My heart skipped as I plucked the typed card sitting boldly on top of a sparkly silver dildo. It looked sleek and stylish but femininely erotic with ribbed lines all the way to the bottom.
Touching it hesitantly, I sucked in another breath at the coolness of it. Not silicone but something hard. Glass perhaps or crystal?
“You’re scaring me, Sails. What is it? It’s not something from Milton, is it?”
His name didn’t hurt me like usual. Peng couldn’t distract me as he batted at the bubble wrap I’d pulled from the box. The only thing I saw was the scripted lines on the note.
I can’t be with you in the way you asked me to be, but I promised to help you heal. This is for you. To heal. Think of me when you use it. Love, X.
“Sailor, talk to me right now, woman!”
Slamming the box closed, I forced a laugh and did my best to lie. “Sorry, I was just reading the card. It’s nothing, Lils. Just a gift basket with some care items. That’s all.”
“Care items?” Her voice bristled with suspicion. “Like what?”
“You know. Like face creams and bath bombs and stuff.”
“What friend would send you something like that, knowing you make those for a living?”
Shit.
Why do I suck so badly at lying?
“Not a close one, obviously. Look, I have to go. I totally forgot I was steeping some cinnamon sticks for a new natural deodorant recipe. I can’t leave them in too long. Bye!”
“Don’t you dare hang up on me. Something is going on with you—”
“We’ll catch up soon. I promise.”
I hung up.
I collapsed back in my chair and ran my finger over the note.
“He bought me a dildo.” I scowled at Peng. “The idiotic man bought me a sex toy, all because he refuses to have sex with me himself. I don’t know if I should be offended or impressed that he figured out how to outsource the task.”
Peng meowed and chinned the box.
Almost as if his ears were burning, my other phone pinged with a message from X.
X: I saw on the camera that you spoke to your neighbour and retrieved a parcel from your letterbox. How did both of those things go?
“As if you don’t know.” I rolled my eyes, my thumbs hovering over the screen.
Me: Seeing my neighbour was fine. I’m getting better each time we meet, but I don’t know how I feel about what you bought me.
X: It’s the first time I’ve ordered something like that. Did I buy the wrong one? I can always send another.
Me: No! No, don’t do that. Don’t send anything else. It’s fine.
X: Uh-oh. Fine isn’t what I was going for. If it won’t work for you, then tell me what you like, and I’ll make sure to deliver it.
My heartbeat went crazy. Did he see what he wrote? The suggestiveness of such a message? The temptation to reply with less-than-innocent remarks itched my fingers.
Don’t, Lor.
Don’t you dare.
I sniffed.
Why shouldn’t I?
If we were on such personal terms that he felt comfortable sending me a pleasure wand, well then…I was comfortable enough being honest with what I liked.
Pity that I’m not entirely sure.
“Then again, if I do go full truth, he might never see me again.” I winced in Peng’s direction. “What should I do, kitty cat?”
He meowed and nose bopped my phone, causing a couple of random letters to appear.
“Yeah, I think so too. He started this. He probably thinks I’m some timid wallflower who needs a big, strong man in the dark to protect her.”
Peng gave me a wide-eyed look.
I scowled. “I mean…sure, at the moment, he’s not wrong, but I wasn’t always like this. Before Milton, I was pretty scandalous, you know? I like flirting. I like being adventurous. Doesn’t matter that I’ve never found anyone to fully scratch my itch, if you know what I mean, but I think it’s time I start remembering that I was brave enough to try, don’t you?”
He yawned and sat down, licking his flank as if bored.
Sucking in a breath, I typed a message, freaked out, went to delete it, then pressed send.
Me: You want to know what I like? Alright then. Under the banner of our honesty clause, I’ll tell you. What do I like? I’m not sure, as I haven’t found it yet. But I can tell you what I fantasise about. I like the thought of a man who can take charge but also take instruction. I like the thought of a man who knows how to use his fingers. I like the thought of feeling so safe that I’d have no problem surrendering to him. Think your sex toy can deliver that?
I shivered in my chair, my pulse hectic as X took his sweet time replying.
I jolted when my phone finally vibrated.
X: Why are these fantasies and not firsthand knowledge?
Me: Oooo, you’re really asking the tough questions today. You’re determined to strip me down to the painful truth, aren’t you?
X: Are you avoiding the question?
Me: Nope. I’ll tell you. I’ve told you everything else so far, what’s a little more embarrassment? I only have fantasies because no one has ever delivered. Is that bold enough for you?
X: You’re saying you’ve never had an orgasm with someone?
Me: Nope. Never. I had hoped you’d be up for the challenge, but alas…you turned me down.
X: Lori…fuck. Are you trying to get me in trouble at work?
Me: How am I getting you in trouble?
His reply took a while. Nerves crept down my spine. Perhaps I’d gone too far. This sort of talk wasn’t right between two people who barely knew each other.
I still don’t know his name, yet I’m confessing I’ve never had an orgasm with a man before.
Good grief, I really did need help.
X: Have you orgasmed by yourself at least?
His question caught me off guard. I’d wanted to know how he was struggling at work, but he’d directed the questioning back to me.
Sneaky, annoying man.
Me: Yes, but it’s not easy.
X: Will what I sent do the trick?
Me: I’m not sure.
X: Would you try for me?
I froze.
I reread his message. Again and again.
And before I could move, he sent another.
X: My dose of honesty for the day is…the thought of you using something I bought for you makes me insanely hard. I feel sick for even writing that. I feel as if I’m taking advantage of you when you’re still healing. But…if you’re up for it and it doesn’t push you into dark places, I want you to use my gift and tell me how it goes. In as little or as much detail as you want.
Oh God.
My lungs stopped working as I forced trembling fingers to type.
Me: I’m surprised you didn’t ask for video footage. You like cameras, after all.
X: Are you insinuating that I have a camera in your bedroom?
Me: Wait, do you?
X: What? Of course not!
I smirked, enjoying making him uncomfortable for a change. Before he could reply, I committed to making him squirm.
Me: Do you want to?
Radio silence.
No reply.
No phone chirp.
Before, his silence would’ve set my panic off, wondering if I’d gone too far or stepped over too many lines. But he’d erased those lines the moment he bought me a dildo.
Turning off the screen, I scooped up my kitten, the sparkly erotic toy, and strolled into the garden.
If he liked watching me so much, so be it.
I’d put on a show for him in the only place he could watch.