30
Zander
Illegal Activities
I JERKED AWAKE.
Thick cotton wool coated my thoughts followed by the worst kind of agony between my legs. Swallowing a groan, I went to move, but my entire body throbbed as if I’d been beaten.
Digging my fingers into my eyes, I did my best to rub away the fog in my head, clutching at the reasons why I’d be in so much pain—
Sailor.
I went down on Sailor.
She came on my fingers.
I froze.
Fuck, was I still at her house?
I smelled her.
Everywhere.
Bolting upright, I blinked as a bedroom manifested around me. My shoulders sagged in relief as I recognised my faux concrete wall and no-nonsense furniture.
Huh, so I actually had the strength to come home.
I hadn’t given in when I’d stood by the fence for an hour, cursing myself for leaving and buckling with crippling desire to return.
No wonder I felt as if I’d been beaten last night.
I had been.
By morality and sin.
I’d gone to war over right and wrong, and I’d been so fucking close to marching back to her, yanking off that seductive silky nightgown, and thrusting myself deep, deep inside her.
How I’d managed to stagger home with a hard-on from hell I didn’t know.
How I’d had the self-control to stay in bed and not crawl my way back to her proved I was a goddamn saint because I’d never faced such temptation before. Never been so close to putting my own needs above someone else’s, and even now, I hated that I hadn’t done it.
That I hadn’t said ‘fuck it’ and taken her up on the invitation to return the favour.
All I wanted was to come.
In her.
On her.
I’d almost repainted her fence with how much I needed her and the only reason I’d had enough willpower to leave had been my cursed red hair and green eyes.
If I’d gone prepared as X.
If I’d hidden my eyes beneath brown and rinsed black through my blazing strands, I didn’t think I’d be in my own bed, alone, aching, aching, aching with unshed cum.
I’d be in her bed. In her . I would’ve done exactly what I threatened and taken her five different ways all before the sun rose and probably made things a shit ton worse because she would’ve seen me. She would’ve torn off my mask, and I would’ve let her. I would’ve ripped it off so I could kiss her.
And then she would’ve realised that the man driving himself inside her with all the finesse of an unhinged beast was her lying, scheming, stalking neighbour and called the police. She’d tell them that the man who’d eaten her out had been me all along, and I’d be in jail right about now.
Fuck.
My life would be ruined and my career over.
And I wouldn’t even care because I would’ve had the best goddamn orgasm of my life.
“Shit, this is bad.”
So very, very bad.
This wasn’t me.
I wasn’t impulsive or reckless.
In my right mind, I would never jeopardise everything I’d worked so hard to achieve. Never put my patients on the line. Never risk my ability to help others all because I couldn’t help myself.
You know you can’t see her again, right?
Throwing myself back down, I swallowed a snarl.
Her taste coated my tongue. Her sweet scent was thick in my nose.
Rationality told me to snap out of it but the monster inside me roared to be selfish for a change. I’d felt like a fucking hero last night as she’d shattered around my fingers. I’d been the best doctor in the world, curing her through pleasure and trust.
Trust?
Ha!
I’d destroyed any chance of her trusting me the moment I created a false persona and spied on her.
“Christ, what have I done?”
All my life, I’d grown up with the girl next door, been told by our grandmothers that our marriage was already destined, and been too pig-headed and focused on work to see what was staring me right in the fucking face.
They were right.
Sailor was mine.
She’d always been mine.
And now I’d royally fucked up because she’d never accept me after this. Never forgive me. Never trust me.
I might as well move to Australia because what was the point in staying?
I’ve already lost her.
Cursing every idiotic move I’d ever made, I threw myself out of bed and staggered into my bathroom.
A cloud of her sweet arousal intoxicated me. She covered every inch of my fingers and jaw. I swallowed my groan as my mouth watered. The pain between my legs grew feverish.
I needed to come so fucking badly.
My erection hadn’t gone down, the ache only getting worse the longer I tortured myself with memories.
Sailor’s smell sucker-punched me all over again, and I reached my limit. Tearing my clothes off, I tripped into the shower and wrenched the water on.
It wasn’t even hot before I gripped my cock and squeezed.
Fantasy-Sailor’s fingers replaced my own.
I pictured her before me, licking her lips before dropping to her knees and sucking me.
My left hand slapped against the tiles.
My heart exploded.
I pumped with ruthless, punishing jerks.
It only took five.
Five painful pulls before I cried out as the hottest, sharpest release blew apart my body, splattering white all over my black tiles. My knees almost gave way as I sucked in a tattered breath and quaked through the final shudders.
Trembling, I tipped my face into the falling spray.
I might not be haunted by an orgasm anymore, but she definitely haunted me.
I couldn’t get her out of my damn mind or my stupid heart.
* * * * *
“I did something most likely illegal last night,” I hissed quietly into my phone.
“Let me guess. You performed coitus on your neighbour, all while wearing a mask,” Colin snickered. “I hope you used protection, Superman.”
I bared my teeth and rubbed harder at the chrome of my motorbike.
Luckily, I had a day off today and just like I’d reached my limit and needed an orgasm to think straight, I needed to go for a highly ill-advised, stupidly reckless drive on my most prized death machine.
Falling for Sailor was not good for my physical or mental health. I’d taken care of the physical pain this morning and now I was going to flush my mind and try to figure out how to free myself from the web of crime I’d found myself in.
“I didn’t sleep with her.”
“But you did something to her.”
Flicking a look at Sailor’s place, I whispered, “I made her come.”
“With your cock?”
“With my fingers.” I cleared my throat. “And tongue.”
“Well, well…who knew you could perform cunnilingus with a mask on.”
“Can you stop using the correct terminology for everything? This is serious.”
“And that’s why I’m using the proper descriptions. I’m taking this very seriously.” His laughter switched to his doctor tone. “Tell me, Dr North. Seeing as you’re using me as your unofficial therapist, what do you think I should do with this information? Or better yet, what sort of prescription would you like me to administer now that you’re fucked?”
Throwing the buffing cloth onto the black leather seat of my bike, I clenched my jaw. “I don’t know why I bothered calling you.”
“Oh, I know. I know.” He chuckled. “It’s because you have no one else, and the mess of this arrangement is doing your head in. Your OCD at fixing things and being the good guy is now knotted with messy things and being the bad guy.”
Leaning against the bike, grateful I’d splashed out for a heavy-duty kickstand, I sighed and rubbed the indents on my nose from my glasses. “I should tell her, right? I mean…she’ll probably be able to guess. Surely, there’s some sort of sixth sense that kicks in that knows which people you’ve been intimate with.”
“I keep telling you, man, that Clark Kent effect is real. I reckon she wouldn’t even know it was you if you took your mask off. With the dark hair, brown eyes, and no glasses…you’re incognito.”
“And I think you’re batshit crazy.”
“I think if anyone is crazy in this friendship, it’s you.”
Glancing at Sailor’s house, I stiffened as she appeared on her garden path. In her arms, Peng lounged like a jaguar lolling on a tree branch, his little legs dangling on either side of her forearm.
He gave me a ‘I know what you did last night’ glower, all while Sailor smiled shyly in my direction.
Every part of me clenched.
“I gotta go.” I pressed the hang up button before Colin could reply.
Slipping my phone into the back pocket of my jeans, I stopped slouching and went to her. I froze on my second step, glancing at my motorcycle boots. I hadn’t worn them in forever, yet I’d put them on when I went around as X. Would she recognise them? Just how observant was she?
Her smile faltered as she noticed me coming toward her. Waving, she hightailed it to her letterbox. Checking it for mail, she looked a little disappointed to find nothing.
Had she hoped to find another gift from X? Perhaps the dildo hadn’t been that bad, after all.
What else could I send her? What other little keepsakes would help her heal day by day?
You’re done with that, remember?
You’re never allowed to see her again—let alone make her come, got it?
I cursed myself all over again for hinting that a second time was possible. I’d practically promised I’d stick something else inside her, all in order to make an escape without begging her to put me out of my misery.
Getting the vibe she didn’t really want to talk to me, I headed back to my bike and continued polishing it. Not that the Harley needed much TLC. I’d always looked after it and with its life of semi-retirement, it looked almost as good as the day I rolled it off the forecourt.
The back of my neck prickled.
My spine snapped straight beneath my white t-shirt as Sailor crossed onto my driveway and stopped behind me.
Whirling to face her, I scratched at my chin where I’d freshly shaved this morning. “Sailor.” I forced the brightest, nerdiest smile I could manage. “What are you up to on this fine day?”
Her half smile turned genuine as Peng swiped at a strand of her hair that had come loose from her ponytail. She wore yet another faded tee with sparkling stars and flowers, along with holey jeans that just begged me to tear a bigger hole and take her over my bike.
Fuck’s sake…stop it.
“I, eh…I wanted to say I’m sorry I didn’t answer the door last night. I was already in bed and…I didn’t want to get up.”
If it was X she spoke to, those lies would’ve been truths.
She probably didn’t get up because her fear had pounced again, and walking through an empty dark house would’ve sent her spiralling into another panic attack.
But Zander shouldn’t know that.
So I accepted her explanation with a shrug. “No worries. I was just checking on the kitten.”
It was getting harder and harder to keep the two versions of Sailor in my mind. The Lori X knew seemed so much braver than this Sailor Rose who could barely meet her neighbour’s stare.
I’d watched her on my cameras as she’d hitched up her skirt in the garden. I’d felt the power of her climax as she shattered on my tongue.
I didn’t know which was the real version of her: the feisty survivor trying to remember how to live or the demure granddaughter of my gran’s best friend.
Either way…I was stupidly in love with both of them.
“Yeah, about the kitten.” She smiled again, but it looked brittle. “I…I think…I’m, eh—”
Crossing my arms, I clutched my polishing rag to avoid snatching her into a hug. I hated seeing her so wary. I wanted her in my arms again. I wanted her on her back, and my tongue—
Clearing my throat, I arched an eyebrow. “Let me guess.” I tried to add a mixture of compassion, humour, and understanding into my voice, but somehow sounded like a stuck-up know-it-all instead. “You want to keep him?”
She flinched.
Peng reacted to her wince with a horrified look. Scrambling higher in her arms, he tried to embrace her neck and head-bopped her chin.
Whatever magic that tiny feline possessed instantly made her lose her tension. I caught a glimpse of the girl only X saw.
Her blue eyes glimmered like the summer sky, and she kissed Peng’s head before looking up. “I still don’t know if I’m any good at providing for an animal, but I can’t imagine giving him up. He’s helped me so much.”
Reaching out before I could stop myself, I scratched Peng under his jaw. “He was yours the moment I found him.”
The kitten purred like a freight train.
Sailor turned to stone.
I froze to match, realising how close my hand was to her cheek.
“Shit, sorry.” Backing up, I shoved my hand in my jeans pocket. “I didn’t mean to make you uncomfortable.”
She sighed heavily, frustration etching her voice. “It’s not you, Zander. It’s me.”
“Ah yes, the tried and true ‘let ’em down easy’ line.” Holding the rag to my heart, I laughed gently. “Does this mean you’re breaking up with me?”
Her eyes rounded. “Breaking up with you? We’ve never been together.”
Way to make a joke that makes her super uncomfortable, you fool.
What I should do was laugh it off and pretend I hadn’t been so stupid. What I did was double down like an idiot. “Ah, so you admit you forgot the vow you made to me when you were seven?”
“I-I did what now?”
Buffing my wing mirrors so I had something to do, I forced another laugh. “I think your dad had done something to irk you. You stormed out of Melody’s house and pouted on the lawn. I’d been roped into helping her make a few more flower beds for some pocket money.”
My mind filled with images of Sailor back then. Her sandy hair cut into a bob, her daisy-print dress slightly big for her gangly frame. “You said you hated all boys. I think I called out that I was a boy and didn’t appreciate being lumped in with the rest. And you said that I was the one exception. I was an exception because I was nice to your nana. I was the only one you would tolerate from now on, so that made me yours, and no one else could have me.”
I caught her eyes with another chuckle. “In my thirteen-year-old brain, I just assumed that meant we were dating. I’ve been waiting for you ever since.”
Wow, you’re the biggest moron alive .
Her mouth fell wide. “Please tell me you haven’t. That didn’t happen, surely—”
“Oh, it happened. But no.” I shrugged, pretending the memory didn’t make my heart skip. Funny how our childhood never really affected me. I’d always been aware of her. I’d crushed on her every now and again, but she’d just been the occasional guest next door. But these days, those memories had taken on a weight, a premonition. “Don’t worry, Sailor, I haven’t been saving myself all these years.”
She looked at the ground, hugging Peng extra close as if I’d hurt her feelings somehow.
And you just keep digging that grave.
I was trying to make her like me as Zander, not push her deeper into X’s arms.
Once again, jealousy spiked.
Was she thinking about him? Was last night permanently etched on her mind, replaying repeatedly like it was in mine?
“Anyway…” I dropped to my haunches and polished the chrome exhaust pipe. “I get that you’re uncomfortable around me, and it’s fine.” The sun cast a halo around her. “I hope you have a great day. It’s gonna be another hot one. Don’t roast yourself in the garden. Otherwise, Melody will tell me off.”
She frowned. Her head cocked as if thinking something important. But then she shook her head and clutched little Penguin close. “Are you going for a ride?”
Keeping my attention on the bike, I nodded. “I am. It’s been a while.”
She eyed my shiny black death machine. “I didn’t even know you had a motorbike.”
As much as I wanted to hang out with her and talk, I didn’t have the capacity to keep my feelings hidden or hide how much it hurt that she still saw me as the trigger to Milton’s abuse.
It wasn’t her fault.
I didn’t blame her.
But after last night, my stupid heart was fragile.
Tossing the rag into the plastic box of mechanical supplies, I grabbed my helmet. Matte black with a blackout visor—I’d almost had a local graffiti artist paint a matching skull on the front and back, so it looked as if I looked both ways in traffic. The skull matched my riding scarf.
Out of habit, I reached for the spare skull balaclava at the bottom of the box, then froze.
What the fuck are you doing?
You can’t wear that.
She’d know immediately who I was.
My pulse skyrocketed. My palms turned sweaty.
Keeping my back to her, I went to shove the helmet over my damning red hair and muttered, “I hope the noise doesn’t annoy you too much. I’ll keep the revs to a minimum on Ember Drive.”
I felt her staring at my back, granting another gush of goosebumps. “I still don’t understand how you can ride something so dangerous when you’re a doctor and probably see countless accidents.”
Lowering my helmet, I turned to face her.
She petted Peng, her gaze bouncing from me to the bike and back again. “Is it safe?”
I shrugged. “What do you call safe? Is this as safe as a car? Absolutely not. Is it safer than swimming with a crocodile? Yes, I’d say so.”
“But isn’t it reckless to ride something you know might hurt you or even possibly kill you?”
“Gotta be a little reckless sometimes, I guess.”
She sniffed. “You’re not usually reckless?”
Our eyes locked, and I strode far too close to that line again. Words I hadn’t censored fell from my lips. “Oh, I’m reckless all the damn time lately, but at least this hobby won’t destroy me as badly as that little habit will.”
Slamming my helmet on, I slung a leg over my bike. “Have a good day, L—Sailor.” Cranking my key, the splutter of the combustion followed by the thunderous roar made me shiver with freedom.
Ah yes, I needed this.
I really, really needed this.
“Wait.” Sailor cut in front of my bike, holding Peng who definitely didn’t appreciate the racket like I did.
For a second, I panicked that I’d said something to give away my identity, but then she looked me dead in the eyes and said, “Take me with you.”