31
Sailor
Flirting With Freedom
WHAT THE HELL AM I DOING?
What possessed me to ask that?
I held a squirming kitten and fought every instinct telling me to get away from Zander before Milton found me flirting with the neighbour, but all I could think about was that motorbike. The roar of it. The freedom of it.
With one snarl of that engine, whatever vixen lived inside me woke up, yanked on her riding leathers, and flung herself on the back of Zander’s bike.
All I wanted to do was clutch him close, say fuck off to the past and the man who’d hurt me, and tell my kind, slightly nerdy neighbour to go as fast as dangerous lightning.
He scowled, his helmet cutting his face in half.
For a second, I saw X.
I saw the same faint lines around his eyes. The same possessive, protective stare.
My heart skipped and tripped. It wasn’t the first time I’d wondered, but…with the full sunshine gilding Zander’s vibrant green eyes and pale skin marking him a natural redhead, he looked nothing like the black-haired man who’d appeared in my bedroom just because he’d heard me scream.
X brooded.
Zander smiled reservedly.
X protected me all while possessing me.
Zander flinched if I got too close and fumbled with his glasses.
The two men might have similar eyes—if one wasn’t rich brown and the other sparkling emerald—but they couldn’t have been more different in personality. I could never imagine Zander pinning me on my back or going down on me. I couldn’t imagine X blushing like Zander did when he’d touched Peng and realised how close we were.
The fear I had toward my neighbour was slowly melting away thanks to X’s help, but I could still hear the slurs of Goblin-Milton in my head.
All of that doesn’t mean you’re ready to gallivant around the streets on the back of a damn bike!
Peng meowed as he tried to get away from the snarling machine.
Zander killed the engine with a flick of the key and braced his legs on either side of the bike. Tugging his helmet off, the shock of fire-red hair tumbled over his forehead, making him seem so much younger than he was.
In that moment, I couldn’t see him as a doctor. He returned to the gawky teenager in the garden that day when Dad had broken my heart. He’d promised to take me to a local waterpark for weeks and weeks but then said he couldn’t be bothered.
If it’d just been that one time, I would’ve been okay. I was old enough to know that sometimes things didn’t work out. But his broken promises had become habit, and I knew better than to get my hopes up all while hating myself that I still did.
Zander was right that I’d been hurt that day. Hurt and well and truly over boys. Maybe that was why I’d let Milton into my life? Because I’d never felt connected to him. Therefore, he could never hurt me?
Emotionally at least.
I hugged Peng a little closer as I recalled Zander’s earnestness back then. How he’d steal my nana’s baking and laugh at her terrible jokes. He’d always be there, rain or shine, to do any chore she asked of him.
I blinked as all the pieces suddenly slammed together.
He’s always been a great guy.
How could I ever feel such terror when I looked at him? I’d literally never seen him hurt the tiniest bug, let alone me.
X had freed my body last night with the best orgasm I’d ever had.
And I had a feeling Zander could free the pieces that I’d lost well before Milton ever came on the scene by racing me through the sky.
“Stay right there,” I ordered. “I’m just going to set Peng up at my place.”
“No, wait.” His hand came up, already encased in a leather glove. “Sailor, stop—”
I didn’t obey.
Bolting up the garden path, I charged inside and deposited Peng in the kitchen where his litter tray and food bowls were. “I won’t be long, little Penguin. Just…Nana will look out for you. I’m sorry to leave you alone, but…I really need to do this.”
Grabbing an old canvas jacket that I used in the garden on bitter winter days, I locked up and sprinted back to Zander’s side.
He blinked as if I’d made him speechless. “You weren’t kidding. You truly want to come?”
That word.
Come.
The way he said it sounded so similar to how X had growled it last night. Heavy and thick, an innocent word turned into something sinfully erotic.
My pulse picked up as I narrowed my eyes.
Sunlight blinded me as I studied Zander all over again.
I tried to picture him with a baseball cap and mask on—of him hugging me or slipping down my body to stick his tongue between my legs.
And I couldn’t.
“Lucky for you then, huh? You let one finger fuck you last night, and now you’re riding another one today. See? You are a slut.”
I shuddered at the memory of Milton throwing me onto the coffee table and laughing as I fell, bleeding and bruised, onto the carpet. All my carefree hope that I was healing screeched to a halt.
Everything turned dark.
Shadows crept over the sunshine.
Tears stung my eyes, and my fingers stroked the fading lacerations on my wrist, left behind from fighting for my life.
I didn’t notice Zander swinging his leg off his bike.
I didn’t function as a person as he came close, yanked off his gloves, then cupped my cheek with a gentle hand.
I shuddered at the contact.
I swayed backward to run.
But then his thumb swept through the tears tracking slowly, and with the softest smile, he stepped into me. “You’re safe. He’s not here.” His strong, lean arms wrapped around me, loose and open but providing a protective wall between me and the past.
Everything hit me all at once.
The urge to scream and hide.
The desire to sob and crumple.
The nonsensical homecoming and familiarity.
X had shattered me apart last night and given me back my sexuality. But as Zander stepped a little closer and his arms tightened a little harder, I shattered in my soul.
My head fell forward and landed on his chest.
His voice rumbled with words I couldn’t understand, and his boots collided with my paint-splattered sneakers. His embrace switched from tentative to smothering. He gathered me up and sheltered me with every bone in his body.
And I didn’t panic.
I sagged with relief and gratefulness.
I let him hold me all while silent tears swelled and spilled, purging my mind and heart from yet another layer of hell.
He never moved or spoke, giving me all the time I needed to break, reform, and find my feet again.
Finally, when I felt a little saner, and Milton no longer yelled obscenities in my mind, I pulled away.
He let me go instantly.
Taking a step back, he pushed his glasses higher up his nose and stuck both hands in his back pockets as if preventing himself from reaching for me.
He didn’t speak, but our eyes sought each other, and something happened.
A web of true friendship. A connection that’d always been there.
Zander had always been there in the background. A nuisance, a distraction, a crush.
I froze.
That’s right…I-I had a crush on him.
I’d been fourteen or so.
I’d overheard Nana and her best-friend Mary giggling that their dastardly plan to finally hear wedding bells between the Norths and the Roses was working.
I’d torn my eyes away from watching Zander in the garden and asked what they meant. Both women had broken into obnoxiously loud laughter, pointing at Zander where he pressure washed the bird bath, then at me blushing because I’d been spying.
With the sun hitting the water droplets and the mist dancing rainbows all around him, Zander transformed from the annoying boy next door into something far, far more interesting. He’d been twenty then and already on the path to becoming a doctor. I’d felt woefully young when we’d gone for that visit.
My heart had fluttered as he’d looked over his shoulder, almost as if he sensed me gawking at him. He’d waved just once and given me a crooked half-smile. With his glasses sliding down his nose and his shocking red hair, I’d blushed ten times worse and darted to my room.
I’d dreamed of kissing him that night, and when I woke, I suffered a full-blown crush.
Only to have that crush obliterated when I confessed to my mother that if Nana and Mary had already picked out my husband, did that mean I could marry him straight away instead of finishing school?
“I know it’s hard to stop thinking about him, but…he’s gone,” Zander whispered gently. “He can’t touch you again.”
His voice sliced through my thoughts. I blinked. Forcing myself to be as honest in person as I was by text to X, I shrugged. “I wasn’t thinking about Milton, actually.” I caught his emerald stare. “I was thinking about you.”
His eyebrows flew up. “Me?”
“When you were twenty and I was fourteen.”
He scowled. “Did I piss you off like I usually did?”
“No.” I hugged myself. “You were sweet.”
“Uh-oh.” He smirked. “So that was around the time you enemy-zoned me?”
My mouth dropped open. “Excuse me?”
He laughed, but it held a sharpness that hinted he wasn’t as carefree as he portrayed. “At the start of that visit, you were the same as always—shy but friendly enough.” He pushed his glasses up again. “But by the end, you barely looked at me.” He shrugged. “I figured you’d finally decided I’d stolen too many cookies and no longer wanted to talk to me.”
I sucked in a breath.
All I wanted to do was brush aside this strange conversation—a conversation that I’d started—and pretend the past didn’t matter.
But…the past did matter.
And if I had any hope of getting over Milton’s abuse, I needed to clear the air with Zander.
Bracing myself, I confessed, “I couldn’t look at you because I was afraid I’d ruin your chances of getting your doctorate if we hung out.”
“Wait, what ?” His eyes widened, then narrowed with confusion. “How could you have ruined my chances? You were fourteen—”
“Exactly.” I nodded, my cheeks heating. “I’d overheard Nana and your gran giggling like buffoons about our wedding day and figured, if my future was already planned, then why did I have to bother with school?” I swallowed hard, forcing myself to stay truthful. “I asked my mother if I could just marry you earlier and skip the rest of my exams. I hated exams and figured you were a better alternative to those nightmarish things. She told me if I ever went near you with our age differences—regardless of what our silly grans were planning—you’d get into serious trouble. I avoided you because I didn’t want to be the reason you didn’t achieve your dreams.” I shuddered dramatically. “In fact, I couldn’t make eye contact with you after that, thanks to the fear of messing things up for you. I guess…I guess it became a habit. A habit I didn’t really see forming until it was too late.” I exhaled with a soft laugh. “Funny, I never stopped to think why I’ve always gone out of my way to keep my distance from you. Looking back, it stems from that moment: that teenage fear that I was bad for you and better keep my distance—even though it doesn’t make much sense now.”
For a second, he didn’t say a word. Glowering at his house, probably seeing us as na?ve children, he dropped his chin and shook his head.
A low chuckle escaped him. “This is just ridiculous.” Looking up, he caught my stare and smirked. “So…you’ve never actually hated me? Back then or now?”
My nose wrinkled. “Why would I hate you? I barely knew you.”
“You didn’t know me, yet you would’ve married me over taking exams?” His smile grew. “I don’t know if I should be honoured or concerned that you’d rather suffer a lifetime with me over the momentary pain of a test.”
“Concerned definitely.” I rolled my eyes, grateful for his teasing. “Back then, I would’ve done anything to avoid two hours of exam hell. I’m a terrible person admitting I’d rather have been a child bride instead.”
His voice thickened. “Oh, I dunno, I think being married to you might’ve been the single best thing to ever happen to me.”
My heart stopped beating. I had no idea what to say.
His eyes widened as if realising what he said. Coughing into his hand, he backpedalled. “I mean…I just…I know the pain of exams. I’ve taken far too many in my life and if I knew how many I’d have to take in this career path, I might’ve been persuaded to get hitched instead.”
My heart resumed its flustered strumming. “It’s stupid how the past can affect the present.”
He laughed, but he couldn’t hide the sudden strain on his face. “I’ve been having the same thoughts lately.”
“You have?”
His eyes softened. “I wonder where we’d be if I’d had the guts to ask you out when you moved in with Melody. If that one question might’ve set events in motion that meant Milton would never have touched you.”
My mouth fell open. “You sound pretty sure of yourself that I would’ve said yes.”
“Would you?” He pinned me to the spot, his eyebrows drawing together. “If I asked you now…would you say yes?”
“I—” Licking my lips, I struggled to speak like a normal person. My courage failed me; I fired a question back instead. “Are you saying you still want to ask me out?”
He scoffed as if I’d said something stupid. “You weren’t the only one hearing our grandparents planning our future, you know. Back then, I wanted them to stop their silly games, but now…now I wonder.”
“Wonder what?”
“If they saw something between us that we were too young to see ourselves.”
Once again, he stole all my words.
“Anyway.” He cleared his throat. “At least I finally know why you barely said hi to me from that day forward. I responded by actively staying out of your way. I figured you despised me and if I’m honest…it kinda hurt not knowing why.”
I flinched as I fell back through time.
After that day, Zander hadn’t been at Nana’s so often. For a couple of visits—when I came on my own as my parents couldn’t be bothered—I’d waited to catch sight of him, only to be disappointed. Nana told me he was a diligent student and working very hard to manifest his dreams.
I’d been happy for him but also…lonely.
Tucking away decades’ worth of yearning, I forced myself to joke. “It all makes sense now.”
“What does?”
“Those excuses your gran gave—that you were busy studying and couldn’t have dinner with us or you were at the library cramming…that was you avoiding me.”
“Some of them were, yeah.” Crossing his arms, his frown turned into a genuine smile. Not reserved. Not polite. A full-blown happy smile that made my heart shiver off its layer of dust and flutter again. “But mostly, I was doing you the favour of avoiding my terrible company.”
“Ever a gentleman, even then.” I returned his smile, stiffening as Milton’s slurs echoed.
“See? You were a slut even at fourteen. He knew it. Everyone knew it.”
His face fell. “I’m the opposite of that word. Especially at the moment.”
Not liking the dark look in his eyes, I dug my fingernails into my palms and ignored the phantom pain from Milton’s fists telling me to get away from him. I even managed to take a step closer. I needed to take away the sudden sadness on his handsome face. For some strange reason, I felt responsible. As if his sudden discomfort was my fault. “Know what I think?”
His gorgeous eyes met mine, his glasses catching the sun. He searched me as if he’d lost something infinitely precious and still couldn’t find it. Sucking in a heavy inhale, he breathed, “What do you think?”
“I think Melody and Mary are entirely to blame for our many misunderstandings, and it’s up to us to set the record straight.”
“T-The record?”
My chest squeezed at his minor stutter. At his obvious wariness and curse of shyness. His cheeks tinged pink, which gave me just enough confidence not to be afraid anymore. Not to be afraid of him.
Holding out my hand, I embraced enough courage to smile and wait for him to shake. “Hi, I’m Sailor Melody Rose. I prefer flowers over people most days. I don’t like apricots or working for someone. I could technically be called lazy because I learned from the best that life happens in the moments where we do nothing. I’ve recently adopted a cat who has become my entire world, and my house is haunted by the very same woman who tried to set us up as kids. I also suffered from a mistake that cost me a lot of physical and emotional pain, and because I recently made a vow of honesty with someone, I’m going to be honest with you and say I’m sick of living in the past and want to step into the future. So…”
Reaching for his wrist, I brought his hand up and threaded my fingers with his. Shaking our combined grip, I smiled at the dazed look on his face. “Can we start again? No more misunderstandings. No more secrets. No more avoiding each other. Friends?”
He choked and cleared his throat. “You made a vow of honesty?”
“I did, and it’s been surprisingly healing.”
“Who did you make the vow with?” His tone thickened just a little.
A prickle darted down my spine.
Was he jealous?
Surely not.
“Just a friend.” I squinted in the sun. “Go on…if we’re to be friends too, you need to introduce yourself.”
Sighing, he tightened his fingers around mine. His eyebrows knitted together with a flash of frustration. “Okay then. Nice to meet you, Sailor Melody Rose. I’m Zander North. I don’t have a middle name. I don’t like loud music. I suck at sleeping. Oh, and I’m a workaholic.” His hand stopped moving, but he didn’t release me.
We stood there, our palms and fingers linked, locked in a stare that neither of us could break.
I forgot about Milton.
I felt no pain.
The past couldn’t find me as I drowned in a sea of green from his eyes.
For the first time, stirrings of belief that I would be alright grew bright.
This would pass.
I would be happy again.
Starting with doing something brand new.
Tugging my hand from his, I stepped toward his bike. “Take me for a ride, Zander North. I have a sudden urge to fly.”