30. Emerson
Emerson
It had been a week.
A week of Thaddeus and I being an us .
A week of being back in the U.S.
A week since Thaddeus saw my sister and couldn’t convince her to come with him or to even talk to me.
To say I was struggling would’ve been a distortion of the truth.
I was on emotional overload. Just being back in the States had me on edge.
It made my new actuality real. Thad and I were giving a new relationship a go.
He’d been great—more than great, he’d held me while I cried over my sister.
He’d talked me through being angry at her for not accepting Thad and Declan’s help.
On the plane ride back to San Diego he’d told me about the mission. They’d left the animals untouched but Faith had come through and one of the international rescue organizations would be conducting their own seizure of the dogs and birds Jefferson had.
He’d been honest with me about what Autumn had done, though I sensed he’d left some details out, which I appreciated considering what he’d told me was bad enough.
But he’d trusted me with the information, then softened the blow the knowledge my sister had killed on my behalf, to make me safe, by letting me cry—again—in his arms.
We’d spent the week getting to know each other again.
Actually, it was me getting to know Thad.
He told me more about what he’d been doing the last ten years, but didn’t push me to talk about what I’d done.
He talked to me about being a SEAL, getting out, feeling lost in a civilian world, and about how he’d met Zane Lewis.
He’d taken us for walks on the beach, out to dinner, we’d watched movies on Netflix.
We’d gone to the grocery store together, I’d cooked him dinner in the hotel Del Coronado’s well-equipped kitchen.
He’d told me stories about his family, including when his mother had passed a few years ago causing more of a rift between him and his father.
His family had guilted Thad by trying to make him believe it had been his fault his mom had had a heart attack.
Thad’s dad had been mean about it, his brother less so but he, too, wanted Thad back in Oregon to help run the family business.
I believed now, just as I did ten years ago, the only reason Thad’s brother got on Thad’s ass about leaving and joining the Navy was because he was jealous.
Andras didn’t like working in the store when he’d been younger, and by the sound of it, he hated it now.
He was unhappy and wanted Thad to be as well.
That had been the life I was trying to save Thaddeus from. Thad was adventurous, he was ambitious, he wanted a life he’d forged for himself, not one his father had forced on him. Andras didn’t have a backbone, he’d bowed to his father’s demands and now he was miserable. That could’ve been Thad.
So after hearing the latest news about Thad’s family I decided my suffering had been worth it. I wouldn’t tell Thad that—he wouldn’t agree. I’d made a decision for both of us and had taken his power away, but I was secure in the knowledge I’d done the right thing for him.
All in all, my sister notwithstanding, life with Thad was going spectacularly well.
I’d never stopped loving him, so I couldn’t say I was falling in love, because I’d fallen a decade ago.
What I could say was, I knew now, like I had all those years ago, Thad was it for me.
The only snag in all of this was he still wouldn’t make love to me.
He’d kiss me. He’d use his hand to get me off.
He’d shower with me. He’d hold me all night.
But he wouldn’t let me touch him, and he stopped the festivities before they got to the even better parts.
I was frustrated. I didn’t know what he was waiting for.
When I’d brought it up, all he’d say was I needed to have patience.
However, I was fresh out. I couldn’t see what the holdup was other than he was unsure about us, which was now making me wonder if I should be unsure as well.
“Emerson?” Thad called from inside the hotel suite.
“Out here,” I yelled back.
It was a beautiful morning and I opted to sit outside on the patio while Thad had gone for a run.
Unfortunately, our bungalow didn’t have a beachfront view like Brooks’ and Tatiana’s did.
However, I couldn’t complain, the palm trees and fish pond I could see weren’t anything to sneeze at.
Declan, Kyle, and Max had their own unit on the other side of Brooks and Tatiana.
They faced the pool, which I was sure the three men were enjoying, considering there’d been no shortage of bikini-wearing females utilizing the amenities.
By the time Thad had made his way to the patio he’d already taken off his socks and running shoes and much to my annoyance he’d discarded his shirt.
This was not because I didn’t appreciate seeing his sculpted chest and washboard abs.
It was because I was frustrated . Thad had no issues with his nudity, and for the love of all things holy, he shouldn’t.
He was tall, built, and had been blessed with a package that I was absolutely certain other men would be jealous of.
“What’s wrong?” he asked.
My gaze travelled up his torso and met his eyes. “Nothing.”
“Why are you frowning?”
“I wasn’t,” I snapped.
“Emerson,” he warned.
I squinted my eyes, not liking the tone in which he said my name.
“Nothing’s wrong, but if you keep saying my name that way something will be.”
“Are you on the—”
“I wouldn’t finish that question, Thaddeus. Not only is it rude, but it’s gonna super piss me off.”
“Super piss you off? Babe, you already look super-pissed. Did something happen while I was gone?”
“No.”
“Then what’s changed? I left you smiling and happy when I went for my run. I get home and now you’re all frowny faced and pissed.”
“Home? Is that what this place is? Your home?”
Now he was glaring at me. I wasn’t sure what’d come over me but now that I was thinking about it, I was a little stressed about how unsettled my life was. As a matter of fact, it wasn’t unsettled, it was completely up in the air. I had nothing. My life had been whittled down to a backpack.
“For now, this is our home.”
“And when Zane is done paying the five-hundred dollar a night fee for The Del? Then what? ”
“Zane’s not paying, I am.”
“What? Why would you do that?”
“Because I can afford it. Because it’s nice and peaceful. Because we needed some time for you to get your bearings before we talked about what’s coming next.”
“And what comes next, Thaddeus? Do we spend the next year sleeping next to each other, you not touching me until you figure out if I’m too soiled to make love to?”
Whoa, where had that come from?
What the hell was wrong with me? I was acting like a total bitch and I knew it. Before I could apologize for my out-of-character behavior, Thaddeus started in.
“First, I don’t know where that bullshit came from.
Soiled? What the fuck, Emmy? If you’re talking about the last eight years and the men you’ve been with, I don’t give the first fuck about that.
No, that’s a fucking lie. I do care. The thought of those scumbags laying a hand on the beauty that is you makes me murderous.
They didn’t deserve to look at you, let alone put their filthy hands on you.
But that has to do with my jealousy and nothing to do with you being soiled.
And I’m not trying to be a dick here, but we weren’t together for ten years, and during those years, I wasn’t a monk.
I have no desire to tell you about the women I’ve taken to my bed except to say, none of them were you, therefore I didn’t feel a goddamn thing for them.
That may make me sound like an asshole, but I’m a man, I was upfront, they knew the score.
And that was—any interaction would be sex and only sex. ”
Thad stopped and took in a deep breath before he continued, “And if you’re talking about the four men you ridded the world of, I really don’t give a fuck about them, or that you did it.
And I mean, I don’t care in any sense of the word.
They needed to be dealt with, they were scum of the highest order and you did the universe a favor.
The only thing I care about in all of that, is how you’re doing with it.
If that’s something you need to talk about, I’ll listen.
If you feel guilty, I’ll do my best to assuage that guilt.
Because again, those four men are not worth your time or remorse.
“As far as me not touching you? That’s bullshit, too.
I’ve held you in my arms every night, and before you’ve fallen asleep in them, tucked close, you’ve come on my fingers while I’ve swallowed your moans.
But if you’re asking why I haven’t taken us all the way or allowed you to touch me, it has nothing to do with the past and everything to do with the present.
I know where I’m at. I know what I want, but I will not make love to you until I know where you’re at. ”
“You don’t know where I’m at?” I asked incredulously.
How could he not know?
“No, agápi mou, I do not. I know you’re struggling with all the changes.
Shit is coming at you a million miles an hour.
You haven’t said it, but I know you’re worried about where you’ll live, how you’ll have money, what you’re gonna do with your life, and on top of that you have said you’re worried about Autumn. ”
“You’re right about all of that. But how can you not know where I’m at?”
“Babe? You just said I was right, you haven’t talked to me about any of it, so how can I know?”
“How can you not ?”
“I’m not tracking, Emmy,” he told me.
“I trust you.”