chapter twelve.
cyn
I had no idea the evening was going to take such a drastic turn.
I’ve never seen Brix this angry. When I moved out, he showed no emotion.
His temperament was as even as four divided by two.
That’s his personality, I know, but the emotions he displayed tonight – even the wetness in his troubled eyes tore at my heart.
What shattered it was when he told his parents I hated him.
He said it because, in his mind, his heart, he truly believes it.
It couldn’t be further from the truth. I want to tell him that face-to-face, but he left, and I have no idea where he is.
I get up from the bed, move the sheer curtains, and look through the blinds out into the front yard. Brix’s Porsche isn’t in the driveway.
I walk to the bathroom, staring at my weary eyes and the faint lines of tears that have streaked down my face.
I twist the knob of the hot water, letting the warmth run into my hands before splashing it onto my face as I try to hide the evidence of my sadness.
After patting my face dry with a cotton towel, I get some tissue and blow my nose.
How did we get here? I suppose the question I should be asking is, how can we get back to where we were?
I draw in a long, slow breath. Through blurred vision, I pick up my phone and try to steady my hand as I type him a message:
Where are you?
I return to sit down on the bed, waiting to see if he’ll even respond.
He doesn’t right away. I close my eyes, prompting a tear to escape.
The silence in the room causes more trepidation.
Each second I wait stretches longer than the one before.
This is killing me, but I can only imagine how he feels after having to defend himself against his parents, especially his mother, while at the same time trying to keep everything together - trying to keep us together even if it was by deceptive means.
My phone buzzes in my hand. Finally, a message.
The ruse is over now. You can leave.
That’s not why I’m texting you, Brix.
It’s over, Cyn. I told them. You’re free. Go. Be your happy, merry self without me like you’ve been doing. I’m good.
I need to talk to you.
We’re talking now, are we not?
We’re texting. I need to TALK to you face to face
That’s not a good idea.
Why not?
Just be gone when I get there.
Brix, I’m not leaving until we talk.
Thanks for the warning.
No other messages came through after that, and I didn’t expect any.
Brix is infuriated. I can feel his heavy masculine energy through the phone as if he’s right here with me.
I’ve never felt it so potent. So infiltrating.
Something broke in him tonight, and if it doesn’t get fixed soon, I’m not sure if it ever will.
I get up in the morning to discover that Brix isn’t home, and I don’t think he came home at all last night. I get in the shower and get dressed, preparing to head out to do some shopping with Faith. I’m not sure if she’s still up for it after what happened, but I guess I’ll find out soon.
I get my answer when I come downstairs and see her sitting ruminatively on the sofa in the living room with her purse on the table.
“Good morning, Faith.”
It takes almost two business days for her to turn around and look at me, but once she gets that neck primed and ready for movement, she says, “Hey, Cynnamon.”
I step around the sofa where she’s sitting and sit on the opposite end.
She says, “Chile, I got up this morning and fixed some coffee, but after last night, I don’t have any interest in going shopping or doing anything else. I just want to know what’s really going on between you and Brix. I couldn’t even sleep last night. Are you two really separated, Cyn?”
Tears well up in her eyes. Her voice was already shaky, so I expected as much.
I explain, “I moved out back in January. Brix didn’t want y’all to know, so he asked me to come over here and pretend we were still together and happy.”
“Oh my goodness,” she says, dabbing her eyes with the fold of her index finger.
“He didn’t want to disappoint y’all, especially you, Faith.”
She shakes her head. “But why—why did you move out?”
“Because I wasn’t about to be anyone’s married, single wife.
I would get off work and come here, eat by myself, watch TV, go to sleep, and he wouldn’t get home until the wee hours of the morning.
And Faith, we talked about it. We sat down and had a conversation.
He promised to do better, then I threw him that surprise anniversary party, remember? ”
“Yes, I remember.”
“And he didn’t show up.”
Nodding, she says, “I remember that, too. I knew you were upset, but I didn’t know it had gotten this bad.”
“Yeah, so I rented an apartment, and I’ve been flying solo this year.”
“Do you not love him anymore?”
“Oh, I will always love him, Faith. I mean, I love him now. I don’t love that he prioritizes everything and everybody over me.
He went above and beyond to make sure you and Dean were going to have a good week.
He doesn’t give me that same energy and effort.
And besides that, if I’m being real, I feel like you expect too much of him. ”
“How so?”
“He’s an only child. Your only son. You expect a lot of him.
I get that, but Brix does everything—and I mean everything—to please y’all, especially you, Faith.
But that costs—it costs him his genuine self.
He can’t necessarily do the things that feed his soul because he’s feeding you.
I knew he didn’t want to be a doctor when we first met.
He told me he chose the profession because it’s where the money was, but I knew that was a lie.
You don’t become a doctor to get rich. That’s a lot of studying and stuff.
He did it because when he was in high school, that’s all he kept hearing—that he was going to be a famous doctor and his life was going to be perfect.
Granted, he loves what he does now—he’s good at it—but that job keeps him occupied to the point that it has become his life.
Whether he’s with me or not, I don’t want him to live like that.
It’s too much of a burden for anyone to deal with, especially when they didn’t want it in the first place. ”
“You’re right. Everything you said is right, Cyn. I just—”
Tears come to her eyes. “You know every parent wants their children to do better in life than they did. I’m sure your parents wanted the same for you.”
“They did—still do—but they allowed me to choose what I wanted to do. I was always good at math, so I chose accounting. What was Brix good at when he was growing up?”
“Um,” she sniffles and squeezes tears from her eyes. “He was good at basketball.”
I smile and say, “He loves basketball, but he hardly ever gets to play. He used to be able to get with Zealand and some of the guys from work, but now…”
“I didn’t realize how hard I was pushing him,” she says, cutting me off. “I thought I was doing the right thing, making sure he stayed on the right track. I have to talk to him.”
“Me, too.”
“Do you think there’s a chance y’all can work things out?”
“That’s all I really wanted, Faith, but even more than that, I wanted him to want it more.”
“He loves you.”
“I know, and yet when I moved out, he didn’t come to my apartment not once to try to work on things.
He was calling, but that stopped when I stopped answering.
It just showed me that getting back with him would be more of the same ol’ same ol’.
No effort. Broken promises…I didn’t want to be in this big house by myself all the time. ”
Faith grins. “Chile, wait ‘til you been married for twenty-thirty years. You gon’ be glad to have the house to yourself. I know that for a fact.”
“Is that right?”
“Sho is! Dean’s been getting on my nerves. The older he gets, the more my head hurts. I love him, though. Besides, it’s too late to be trying to train another man. Who got time for that? Not me!”
I chuckle and then say, “I feel you on that.”
Faith reaches over, touches my hand, and says, “But think about what you can do to make your relationship work with Brix. He loves you dearly, and there ain’t another woman better suited for him.”
“Thanks for saying that.”
“I mean it, too. If you love him, do what you can to make it work.”
“I will.”
I stand up. She stands too and reaches for a hug.
“I love you, Cyn.”
“I love you, too, Faith, and you know what—I know you said you weren’t in the mood to go shopping, but I think we should go just to get out of this funk. That way, we can give Brix his space. I’m sure he’ll be back today.”
“He didn’t come home last night?”
“No. He’s upset—mostly at me, I think. He was hurt when I left, but he keeps so much inside I never know where his head is at, but it’s all coming out now.”
“Then you’re right. We gon’ need to get some retail therapy to get through this. Hand me my purse.”
I pick up her bag and say, “Oh my God. What do you have in this thing?”
She chuckles. “Everything! You never know what you gon’ need when you’re on the go.”
“Yeah, but you don’t want to throw your shoulder out of line either, Faith.”
She laughs. “Girl, been there, done that. I done had to get physical therapy and everything.”
She picks up that sack and slings it over her right shoulder. “I’m ready when you are.”
“Okay. Let me get my keys.”