chapter thirteen.
cyn
The sound of the door opening wakes me up from my sleep.
After shopping with Faith, I came home, ate some leftovers, took a shower and crashed.
I tried to stay up as long as I could, hoping Brix would come home, and it looks like he’s finally made it.
Sitting up, I turn on the lamp and rub my eyes before looking across the room.
Brix is standing by the door, pausing as if he doesn’t want to proceed.
“I thought you’d be gone by now,” he says.
Okay, so I take it he doesn’t want to proceed.
“I told you I needed to talk to you, Brix. That’s why I’m still here.”
“Then say what you need to say,” he says, finally entering the room, closing the door.
“Why are you saying it like that?” I ask, my heart ramming against my ribcage. His face is expressionless, but his words bite like they’re laced with venom. His eyes are determined. His stance is cold. This isn’t like Brix at all. I don’t know who this man is.
“Say what you need to say, Cyn, so we can get this over with, and you can get your stuff and head on back to your glamorous life.”
“Glamorous?”
His nostrils flare.
I say, “I’m not gathering my things in the middle of the night.” I get up from the bed and ask, “And why are you talking to me like that?”
He doesn’t respond – just stands there by the door, seething.
Since he won’t come closer to me, I walk over to him and stare up into his face, because his eyes elude mine. He can’t even make eye contact with me. He doesn’t want to make eye contact with me.
I say, “Okay, well, I’ll say what I need to say.” My lips tremble slightly as tears form in my eyes. I thought I was all cried out, but I was wrong. “You told your parents I hated you.”
“And? Why are you saying it like it’s not true? You do.”
“I don’t hate you, Brix. I never hated you.”
“You said you didn’t love me anymore. No, you said you couldn’t pretend that you were in love with me.”
“That doesn’t mean I hate you. And when I said that, it was more for myself. I was trying to convince myself that I could move on from you.”
He huffs. “You didn’t need much convincing. You’ve lived it. We’ve lived apart for all of this year.”
“Yes, and it was the worst eleven months of my life. I just—” Tears spring out of my eyes.
“I just wanted you to choose me.” I wipe the wetness away and say, “What does it take, Brix, for me to be more important to you than everything else in your life? I got tired of waiting. Tired of feeling like I meant nothing to you.”
“You mean the world to me, Cyn!”
“Yeah, and you left me in this house, alone. I don’t want this house, Brix. I want you.”
He frowns, places his hands on my face, and asks, “You want me?”
“Yes,” I say, more tears spilling down my face.
He says, “Wednesday evening, you were on the phone with somebody in the backyard. You said, I love you, too, and then hung up. Who were you talking to?”
More tears fall from my eyes. It didn’t occur to me until now that he thought I was talking to a man. Like there could ever be anyone to fill his shoes…
I say, “I was talking to my mother, Brix. There isn’t a man on this planet who could ever take your place.”
In an instant, his tongue finds the back of my throat before my back finds the bed. Now, these events are both occurring simultaneously as he hovers over me. Then he lowers his weight onto me and deepens the kiss. My body trembles with nervousness and need as he strokes my tongue with his.
Oh…
These lips.
This tongue.
These arms.
His heart.
He’s all mine.
I want him to know that I’m all his.
He pulls the string of the flimsy cotton robe I’m wearing and covers my breast with a hot, eager mouth, devouring me like he’s trying to get used to the taste of me again.
He’s massaging the other like he forgot how my skin felt beneath his hands.
My hands settle behind his head while he feasts.
My heart fills with so much love that I think my chest might explode as I try to contain what he means to me.
He returns to my mouth, kissing me recklessly, making up for lost time.
Somehow between the kisses, he manages to pull his shirt over his head.
I see his beefy chest move in and out as quickly as mine is moving.
Then he stands, unzips his jeans and removes his boxers, freeing himself.
He crawls back to me, his heaviness resting temptingly against my thigh while he looks at me.
“This isn’t a one-time thing for me, Cynnamon,” he says. “I love you. I want us. I need to know if you’re all-in with me on this.”
“Yes, Brix. I am.”
“Are you sure?” he asks, using his knee to move my legs apart.
“Yes, I’m sure.”
I grimace when I feel his thickness poking me.
I used to be accustomed to him. Now, it feels like starting over.
Feels like the first time we connected – our honeymoon night – when I was full of nerves and anxiety.
It’s a good feeling to have years later, but something tells me I’m in for a rough night.
“Look at me,” he tells me.
When I lock eyes with him, he continues, “There’s no need to be nervous. Do I need to talk you through it like I did the first time we did this?”
“It would probably help,” I say, amused yet cautious.
“Breathe in through your nose.”
I take a long pull and then he says, “Push the air out through your mouth slowly, counting to seven.”
When I release the breath, he inches further inside of me. I follow up with more breaths, grimacing, writhing, but breathing like he told me to.
“There you go,” he says softly.
A soft moan escapes my lips. I squeeze his biceps and brace myself. I know I shouldn’t, but I can’t help it.
“You okay?”
“Ye-yes, I’m okay.”
“Good,” he says, moving, gripping me tight. “Now quit all that…acting like you ain’t used to this.”
“It’s been a minute, Brix.”
“Yeah, I can tell, but I’ma fix all that, baby. I miss making love to you – being inside of you. I miss you, Cyn. How in the world did I let eleven months go by without you?”
Every time he moves, he stretches me, awakening all the nerves that were once dormant. They’re very much alive now – alive and teeming with feeling.
The wetness of my lips touches his when I say, “I don’t know how I went for eleven months without you, Brix.”
“Let’s not worry about that right now, sweetheart. Let’s make up for lost time,” he says as he allows his weight to fall on top of me. I wrap my arms around his waist and hold on while he moves, retreats and reenters me over and over again.
“Ahhh, mmm,” I moan, letting the feeling of our connection completely overtake and consume me.
“You feel so good, Cyn. I’ve missed this so much. If you think this distance between us is going to happen again, you may as well think again, because I ain’t never giving you up, you hear me?”
“Mmm. Hmm.”
“Words, Cyn. Use words.”
“Okay. Ye-yes. Yes, I hear you.”
“No more walking out of my life. We’re working everything out going forward. You hear me? Look at me while I’m talking to you, girl.”
I open my eyes, feeling everything – every move, every nerve. His skin. His heat.
“You hear me?” he asks again.
“Yes, Brix. I hear you.”
He moves slowly, rolling his well-exercised body over me, making me squeeze him tighter, holding on for this ride.
The way he feels, the motion inside me, the way he grips and holds on to me like he’s afraid of losing me is doing a number on my sanity.
And when I feel that first rumble of nerves ball up, waiting to explode and send me soaring, I squeeze him tighter.
As the sensation builds, I rock my hips to keep up with him.
“Brix…” I say as the pleasure mounts. As he takes over my body until I scream.
He’s right there with me, groaning as his body seizes on top of me.
Three o’clock in the morning, we’re up again, tearing up the sheets, messing up the bed.
It’s a good thing his parents are in the guest bedroom on the other side of the house, but by the way we’re carrying on, that probably doesn’t matter.
The sturdiness of this bed is being tested in a way that it never has before, and so is my back.
Brix has never been like this – never been the type to fully take control.
To make love to me like his life depended on it.
He’s always been careful. Walking the straight line of discipline and obedience.
Not anymore.
He’s recklessly tamed. And strong. He’s a man who’s coming into his own. It just happened a little later in life.
“Ah,” he grunts, then grins wickedly while lying on his back, scooping me into his arms. “I would apologize for being rough, but I think you liked it.”
“I did,” I say, resting my head on his chest, settling into this feeling of being safe in his arms again. Being married, loved, valued, and cared for again. I’m optimistic about our future, and especially his new business venture.
I say, “I think opening your own practice is a great idea.”
“It’s funny how life works.”
“Why you say that?” I ask, finding his left hand with my right.
“You had suggested it to me about two years ago, and I didn’t think such a thing could be a possibility. Besides, I already knew how my parents would react to it, especially my mother.”
“I know. I’m so sorry she reacted the way she did.”
“It’s not your fault, sweetheart.”
“I know, but I also know how much you value your parents’ opinion of you.
And while we’re on that subject, look, Brix—” I sit up so I can see his face, his eyes, and continue, “I know how much your parents mean to you, but at some point, you need to do what you love. It’s not like we get a do-over in life.
We only get one crack at this thing, and that’s it. We need to make our days count.”
“You’re right. That’s why I think I’m going to go full steam ahead with opening this practice. It’ll be one of the best things that has happened in Christenbury Hills in a long time.”
“It will be,” I say, all smiles. “I’m so proud of you.” I place a kiss on his lips.
“Thank you, Cyn,” he says, “but you know it’ll be a lot of long hours to get it off the ground. I need you to be okay with that.”
“I am. That’s completely understandable. And I’ma be right there beside you doing what I can to help.”
“That’s my girl,” he says, lifting his head to kiss my forehead.
“Hey, what are you going to do about your mother?”
“I’ll talk to her before their flight leaves tonight.”
“Okay, good. You had me worried there for a moment. I’d never heard you talk to Faith like that before.”
“That’s why I left. I just snapped—couldn’t take it anymore.”
“I know. I don’t think I’ve ever seen you like that before.”
“Well, when you lose everything, it tends to make a man lose his mind. And by everything, I mean you.”
I sit up and look at him. “I honestly didn’t think you cared that I moved out.”
“Of course I cared. In my mind, I couldn’t wrap my head around it.
I provided you with a good life, and you still left.
For months, I was left in the dark about us, but too wrapped up with work to sit down and really think it through.
It didn’t really hit me until you told me you weren’t in love with me anymore. ”
“I didn’t mean that, Brix.”
“I know, but it still served as the wakeup call I needed. I’m sorry it took me most of the year to finally understand.”
“Well, better late than never.”
“Yeah, baby girl. Better late than never.”