Chapter 19
Chapter
Nineteen
Kate was laying in his arms, her head resting on his chest. She wasn’t asleep yet, but he could feel the rhythm of her breaths getting steady.
“I should go,” he murmured, stroking her silky hair. She had her pajamas back on. He’d insisted, after he’d found a washcloth in her ensuite to clean her up. Mostly because apparently his body still wanted every part of her, even though he’d just dry humped himself against her to heaven.
And yeah, he liked stroking her back with the silk over her skin. It felt good.
“Stay for a little while,” she said against his chest. He could feel the warmth of her breath. “You feel too good.”
“So do you.”
More than good. She was perfect. And yeah, coming on her stomach wasn’t how he’d planned their first time. But somehow it had felt better. More real.
He wasn’t sure he could feel closer to her if he’d been inside her.
“Where’s your car?” she asked him, her finger drawing a lazy circle on his chest.
“Left it at home.”
“You walked over?”
He kissed the top of her head. “I mostly ran. I didn’t want to leave my truck outside your house two nights in a row.”
“Why not?” She lifted her head to look at him.
“People noticed last night. My mom called me over to ask about it.”
“Seriously?” Her voice lifted.
“It’s okay,” he said, kissing her head again. “I put her off the scent.”
“You did? That easily?”
He cupped her face, tilting it so their mouths met. “Yeah. She asked. I told her there was nothing going on. It was fine.”
“I wish my mom was that easy to put off.”
“Does she suspect there’s something going on between us?” He didn’t feel bad about that. Not really.
Kate shook her head. “I don’t think so. Not yet. But she did seem interested that a guy was here for dinner.”
“A guy who made you come.”
She rolled her eyes at him, but there was no disguising the smile on her face. “Shut up.”
“Just saying. She wouldn’t be wrong.”
“She only wants me to find somebody because she thinks the house is falling apart.”
His brows pulled together. “What’s falling apart? Want me to take a look at it?”
“No. That’s not why you’re here. And anyway, don’t you think her suspicions might become founded if you start fixing the plumbing in the kitchen in your underwear and nothing else?”
“I wasn’t suggesting I do it now,” he told her. “But I’m a construction worker. I know my way around a house. And plumbing.”
She lifted her head to kiss his rough jaw. “Thank you, but no.”
“One of these days you’re gonna let me help you.”
“You already help me. Way too much.”
She had no idea what too much was. Truth was, he wanted to do everything for her. Keep her and the kids safe.
There was a creak on the floorboard outside the room and he froze. Then a door opened and the sound of heavy feet padded along.
“James,” Kate whispered. “He drank way too much soda last night. I’m guessing it just caught up with him.”
“Will he come in here?”
She shook her head. “No. He’s probably only half awake. He’ll head straight back to sleep.”
“I’ll go as soon as he does,” he promised, kissing the top of her hair.
“No, stay.”
Marley blinked. That was the last thing he expected her to say. And yet it made his chest feel tighter than a vise grip.
“Until morning?” he asked. “Because we’re gonna have some explaining to do if your kids see me.”
She ran her tongue over her bottom lip. “Until the sun rises. Let me sleep in your arms.”
Fuck, he liked the way she needed him. Made him feel about ten feet tall. The fact was, he’d do anything for this woman. Sleep, stay awake, fight a fucking dragon.
Lie to the people he loved.
“Okay. Set your alarm.”
She grabbed her phone and pressed on the screen before putting it back on the table next to the bed. “Five,” she told him. “I’m sorry.”
He’d take what he could. And he knew this was all she had to give right now.
“Come here,” he said softly, wrapping his arms around her. Within minutes, they were both asleep.
“Your mom has one of her headaches,” Carlton said to Kate as he walked into the kitchen the next morning. Her stepfather was wearing a pair of tailored jeans and a crisp checked shirt which was tucked neatly into his waistband. His belt was tight across his slim hips. “I told her to stay in bed. I’m pretty sure she’ll be out of commission for the day.” He looked apologetic.
Kate flashed him a smile. She had a headache herself, but she was doing her best to ignore it. It was self-inflicted, anyway. They’d only gotten a couple of hours' sleep before her phone had woken them up, and Marley had gotten dressed and climbed out of the damn window again, even though she’d begged him to tiptoe down the stairs and out of the front door.
He’d messaged her about thirty minutes later when he finally made it home.
And then, of course, she hadn’t been able to get back to sleep. Instead, she’d laid staring at the ceiling, her mind full of thoughts that felt like insects buzzing inside her skull.
She shouldn’t have asked him to stay and sleep with her. In a strange way it felt more intimate than anything else they’d done last night. Maybe it was the fact she’d slept better in those two hours than she had in months, years even. A deep, almost drugged kind of rest that made her whole body relax against him.
It felt too good. Too right. And as soon as he was gone a blanket of guilt came down over her.
He had been Paul’s friend for years before he died. It felt like a betrayal being in his arms. And okay, technically the bed wasn’t the one she’d shared with Paul, but it was the one she shared with his memory every night.
His photograph was in a frame on her dresser, after all.
That’s when the tears had started flowing. Because she didn’t know what she was doing. The relief of Marley being okay after hearing the sirens had overwhelmed her. The need to connect with him was like her need to inhale.
She felt safer in his arms than she had in a long, long time, which was completely stupid.
Because her heart was at more risk than ever.
“You okay, Kate?”
Carlton’s voice brought her out of her thoughts. She attempted a smile. “I’m fine. Does Mom need some painkillers?”
“No. I just gave her two.” He grabbed two mugs from the cupboard and started up the coffee machine. And this was why she loved her stepfather. He might be rich, but he was a regular caffeine addict, just like her. “So I was thinking I might go watch James at his training today. At the fire station.”
“Oh. You don’t want to come to church with us?” It was a Sunday morning, after all.
He gave a little chuckle. “Not really. And James said a lot of the other trainees have their parents come watch. I know I’m not his parent but…”
“You’re his grandparent,” she said firmly.
“I know.” He gave her a warm smile. She could still remember the day she introduced Paul and James to her mom and Carlton. James had been a toddler then. As intrepid as he was now. He’d climbed straight into Carlton’s lap and her stepfather had pretty much fallen in love with him.
Her mom, however, had been more reticent.
“It’s a lot to take on another woman’s child,” she’d told Kate. “You’re young. Too young. Are you sure you know what you’re doing?”
“He’s also my child,” Kate had said firmly. Because she’d fallen in love with James as much as she’d fallen for Paul. “I’m adopting him after the wedding.” And she had. He was her son. Had been since the day they’d walked out of the courthouse.
Sometimes he felt like more than that. Because he’d found her when she needed him the most.
“How come the trainees get to skip church, anyway? Doesn’t the pastor have something to say about that?” Carlton asked her.
Kate smiled. “His house caught fire about fifteen years ago. He won’t hear a word against the department after that. He says that as long as they are pure in their hearts he believes God knows they need to train on Sundays.”
Paul and Reverend Maitland had had a good relationship. God, why was she thinking about the past so much?
“Morning,” Ethan said, walking into the kitchen. “Hey Grandpa.”
Carlton ruffled his hair. “Hey kiddo.”
“Can I sit next to you at church?” he asked. Carlton’s eyes met Kate’s.
“Ah, I was planning to go watch James at his junior firefighter training,” Carlton told him.
Ethan pouted. “That’s not fair.” He looked at Kate. “Can I go with Grandpa to watch him too?”
Carlton gave her an ‘I don’t mind’ kind of shrug.
Truth be told, she didn’t have the energy to fight with him this morning. “Okay. If you promise to be good for Grandpa you can go with him.”
“Where’s Ethan going with Grandpa?” Addy asked, walking in. Her sweet face was still creased from where she’d slept on her pillow, and her hair was sticking to her cheeks. Kate brushed it away, kissing the top of her daughter’s head.
“We’re going to watch James at the fire station.” Ethan said it firmly, like he was still worried Kate would change her mind.
“I want to go with them,” Addy said. “Mommy, can I go?”
“I…”
“It’s fine by me.” Carlton passed her a coffee. She took it gratefully.
“And you’ll come too, Mommy, right?” Addy asked.
“Come where?” James said. He was wearing a pair of sweatpants and his fire department t-shirt. His hair was a mess.
“Bend your head,” Kate told him, raking her fingers in an attempt to tame his curls. “You should have showered.”
“I’m showering after training,” James said patiently. “Why would I do it before?”
Teen logic was strong. She had no answer for that.
“We’re coming to watch you at the fire station,” Addy said excitedly. “All of us.”
A half smile pulled at James’s lips. “All of you?”
“Me, Ethan, Grandpa, Grandma, and Mommy,” Addy chanted.
“Not Grandma. She’s staying in bed,” Kate said hurriedly.
“But the rest of you are?” James asked, his lips curling.
Kate let out a breath. “Yes,” she said firmly. “As long as that’s okay with you.”
His warm eyes met hers. His cheeks were flushed, as though he was secretly pleased but way too cool to show much emotion.
“Yeah, that’s okay with me.” He shrugged. “As long as we still get to go to the diner afterward.”
Of course it was never going to be as easy as just walking back into the fire station after all this time. She hadn’t anticipated the number of hugs she’d get, or the murmurs about how much they still missed Paul.
And she hadn’t realized they’d put his photograph up on the wall of the training yard, along with a plaque that made her chest ache.
Paul Connelly. Father, husband, firefighter. Fallen in the line of duty.
There were flowers beneath it. Looking at the photo made her eyes start to tear up.
“Mommy, that’s my daddy,” Addy said, pulling at her hand. “Look, he’s in his uniform.”
“That’s right, honey.” She nodded, finding it hard to breathe.
“James never said they had Dad’s photo here,” Ethan said, looking around. “Hey, is this where he…”
Kate’s eyes met Carlton’s. They both knew what Ethan was going to ask. And she wasn’t prepared to answer it, not here.
Because yes, her husband had died right where they were standing. Collapsed to the ground.
She felt sick thinking about it.
“Come on, kids, let’s find somewhere to sit,” Carlton boomed, in an attempt to get their attention away from the memorial. There were some benches on the far end of the gray concrete yard. Carlton walked them over there, while she stood staring at the photograph.
A tear slowly rolled down her face.
How would he feel if he knew what she’d been doing with Marley? She never, ever in her life imagined she’d have to find love again. She thought she and Paul would be together until they were old.
She never thought she’d have to do this alone.
Lifting a hand to wipe away the tear, she jumped as the door to the main station opened. Marley walked out, his brows dipping when he saw her.
And then he saw what she was looking at.
“Kate.” His voice was thick.
She couldn’t catch her breath. Her chest felt tight. “What are you doing here? Aren’t you doing the warm up?”
“I had some paperwork to finish up. Tayto’s leading the run, then I’ll do the training.” He glanced at the photograph of Paul. “You okay?”
She nodded. “Yes. I didn’t realize you had this…” She could barely speak. The guilt was killing her.
“You were invited to the unveiling ceremony.” His gaze didn’t waver from hers.
Kate had been invited to a lot of things. And she’d been a mess back then. She could barely remember the first year after he died.
“Marley!” Addy came running over to where they were standing, stopping in front of him and holding her arms up. He swung her up, and she started to giggle.
“Hey kiddo. You okay?”
“We’ve come to watch James train,” Addy said to Marley. “Can I stay with you and watch? Ethan and my grandpa are talking about baseball. It’s boring.”
“Marley is leading the training,” Kate told her. “You can sit with me.”
“But I want to stay with Marley.” Addy pouted.
He put her down gently on the ground. “I’ll tell you what, you can be my assistant. But you have to wear a uniform and do exactly what I tell you to.”
“Do I get to wear a hat?” she asked excitedly.
“You sure do.” He nodded, his voice serious.
“Yes.” Addy bumped her fist into the air, delighted at that.
“Are you sure you’re okay with this?” Kate asked him. “I know you’re busy.”
“It’s all good.” He looked solemnly at Addy. “I could use some help. Maybe they’ll listen to you more than they listen to me.”
“I’ll be super loud,” Addy promised.
Kate leaned down to brush Addy’s hair out of her face. “Be good and do everything Marley tells you,” she instructed her. “If she gets in the way, bring her over to me.”
“It’ll be fine, Kate.” Marley took Addy’s hand. And her heart did a little dance at the size difference between them. Addy skipped along as he walked her over to the equipment shed, and Kate turned to walk back to where Ethan and Carlton were sitting.
“Sorry,” Carlton said as she reached them. “Addy ran over before I could stop her.”
Kate took a seat next to him. “She’s helping with the training.”
“She’s not helping,” Ethan said. “I bet she just wanted to hang around Marley. She’s such a baby.”
“Don’t let her hear you calling her that,” Kate said. She couldn’t deal with their arguments today.
It was only two minutes before the volunteers and junior firefighters arrived, led by a sweating Tayto who jogged them into the center of the training yard. A few other onlookers had joined Kate, Addy, and Carlton on the benches, watching as the volunteers got into formation.
James grinned over at her and she realized just how tall he was getting. He was a good few inches taller than any of the other juniors. And he looked so much like his dad it made her heart hurt. She waved back.
“Your mom said you didn’t want him joining the juniors,” Carlton murmured as they were put into teams.
Kate sighed. “I still don’t, really. Paul’s dream was always for him to go to college.”
“He can do both, can’t he?” Carlton asked.
She swallowed. “He can. But I’m scared he’s going to sign up to be a firefighter straight out of high school.”
Their eyes met. Carlton pressed his lips together. “Would that be so bad?”
Yes, it would.
One of the men she loved had his photograph on the wall. She couldn’t bear for there to be two of them.
James’ team walked over to the tower and Addy ran over to him, hugging his legs. He ruffled her hair then peeled her off them, before Marley lifted her up onto his shoulders so she could be at face height with them all.
“Who’s that guy?” Carlton asked, watching as Addy giggled at being up so high.
“Marley Hartson,” Kate said softly. Addy had an oversize helmet on, and every time she moved her head it looked like it might fall off.
“One of Paul’s friends?”
“Yes.” She couldn’t even look at her stepfather. Because then he might figure it out. That she was falling for the man Paul called a friend.
That she was betraying her late husband in more than one way. And her heart felt like it was cracking.
Addy started tickling Marley’s face. He lifted her easily off his shoulders and started swinging her around to the front, growling at her in a way that made her laugh even more.
“He seems good with her,” Carlton said.
“He’s good with me, too,” Ethan told him. “He babysits for us sometimes. When mom goes out on dates.”
“You go on dates?” Carlton asked. And though there was no judgement in his voice, she felt it anyway.
“I went on one. That’s it.”
“And then Marley came over the other night and we made smores,” Ethan said. “Do you like smores, Grandpa?”
“I love them.” He was still looking at Kate like he was trying to work it all out.
“We should make some tonight,” Ethan said, excitement pulling at his voice. “I’m great at them. Mom lets me use the grill.” He looked at her.
“I don’t know. You have school tomorrow.”
“Please, Mom?”
Addy was shouting at the trainees. She was still in Marley’s arms, resting easily on his side as she called up at the juniors on the first deck of the tower. He turned to whisper something to her and she nodded happily.
Then he turned his head to look over at Kate.
There was an intensity to his stare that made every part of her feel tight. As she watched him hold her daughter in his arms.
When she inhaled this time, it felt like there was a cheese grater in her chest.
“Mommy, look at me,” Addy shouted. “I’m a firefighter.”
All the surrounding people laughed. And Kate tried so hard to as well. She at least forced a smile onto her face.
But then she looked over at the far side of the yard. Where Paul’s photograph was watching them all.
I’m sorry. Please forgive me.
Because right now, she couldn’t forgive herself.