Chapter 20
Chapter
Twenty
“So, what is this adorable photograph all about?” his mom asked, turning her phone so that Marley and his brothers – and their dad – could see it.
It was later that day and his mom had insisted he come over for a late lunch. When he’d arrived – after taking a shower post training – Pres and his wife Cassie were already there, along with their three children. Hendrix was there, too. Their youngest brother was five years younger than Pres and Marley and had moved back home for the summer. He was currently working on their uncle and aunt’s farm.
“What is it?” Pres asked, leaning in. Then he lifted a brow. “Oh, you’re fucked,” he told Marley, a huge grin pulling at his lips.
Marley took a look at his mom’s phone screen. It was a picture of him holding Addy. Addy was leaning back, one hand holding the oversized helmet he’d given her, the other resting on his chest. She was laughing uproariously, her eyes on his face as he grinned back at her.
“She came to watch her brother’s training. She wanted to help me.” He shrugged.
“And was her mom there, too?” his own mom asked.
“Yeah, was Kate there?” Pres asked, looking amused.
“Kate Connelly?” Cassie asked. “Oh, she’s lovely.”
Christ, they were ganging up on him now. “James’ family was there, yeah.”
And to be honest, he was still a little confused by the whole thing. Maybe it was the way he’d caught Kate crying when she saw Paul’s photograph on the outside wall.
It had felt like a kick to the gut. Which was wrong, he knew that. She was entitled to feel sad about her dead husband, for god’s sake.
But seeing her standing there. Where it happened. In the place he’d seen his friend fall to the ground and die within minutes. While he desperately tried to save him. As he cried over his body.
It had felt like his heart was being squeezed by an iron fist.
Thank God for Addy. He was pretty much in love with that kid. The same way he felt about all of Kate’s kids.
The same way he felt about their mom.
“You should invite them over next Sunday,” his mom said. “I’d love to cook dinner for them. They’re such lovely kids.”
He looked at Pres for help. But his twin was just grinning at him.
“I’m busy next week,” Marley said.
“Doing what?” Hendrix asked. “Watching paint dry?”
“It’s more interesting than watching you,” Marley said.
Hendrix lifted a brow. Then he launched himself at his brother, knocking him off the chair.
His brother liked to play fight. Probably because it was the first time in his life that Hendrix was the same size as Pres and Marley. And all those hours on the farm were making him strong, so it was hard to fight him off.
Growing up, they had every advantage over him and they weren’t afraid to use it.
But now he had surprise on his side. And for a moment Marley lay beneath him, wounded, while his mom shouted out admonishments and Pres just laughed loudly.
“Fuck’s sake,” Marley muttered. Because he wasn’t in the mood for this. He tried to push Hendrix off him, but damn, the kid was like a ten ton weight.
“Get off me, you ass,” Marley grunted.
“Not until you admit you and Kate Connelly are a thing,” Hendrix taunted.
“I’m not admitting jack to you.” Marley grabbed his brother by his upper arms, then lifted his legs in an attempt to throw him off, but Hendrix pushed down on him, laughing.
“Admit it, then I’ll let you go,” Hendrix panted.
“Fuck you,” Marley growled.
“Let him go,” their dad said firmly. “What are you all, five?”
“I’m just trying to teach him not to tell lies, Dad,” Hendrix called out, barely breathless. “Like you taught me.”
“I didn’t teach you by fighting,” their dad muttered.
With a low grunt, Marley managed to dislodge his brother, twisting his body around so Hendrix’s back was against the floor and Marley was above him, his knees on his thighs, his hands holding down his arms.
Hendrix started to laugh. “Fuck, you’re pissed at me. I’m sorry.”
Marley let him go, slowly moving off him.
“It’s okay. Ignore me. I’m just tired,” he muttered. He let Hendrix get up, and the two of them walked back to the patio table where the rest of the family were sitting, as though they weren’t grown men who’d just rolled around fighting in the grass.
His mom lifted a brow. “Are you three going to still be fighting when you’re drawing your pensions?” she asked them.
“I didn’t do anything,” Pres pointed out. “I’m your good boy, Mommy.”
Everybody started laughing. And Hendrix slapped his back. Marley punched his arm in return, because that’s how they showed love.
Hey, how’s it going? I just finished at the station and am heading over to my parent’s for lunch. I miss you. And your kisses. – Marley
His message had arrived two hours ago. And she hadn’t answered it. She’d made every excuse to herself. She was busy with the kids. She needed to be alone when she replied. She’d do it tonight.
But the truth was, she was scared. She felt guilty and sick.
The second message arrived twenty minutes ago.
Did you get back okay from the station? I’m a bit worried about you. – Marley
And now her phone was ringing. His name was on the screen. “Aren’t you gonna get that?” Carlton asked, looking up from his newspaper.
Her chest felt so tight. “Yes,” she breathed. “I think I’ll take it upstairs.”
“Sure. I’m gonna head out to play with the kids.”
Addy and Ethan were in the yard. James was in his room. Kate tiptoed to her own and slid her finger across the screen.
“Hello?” she said softly.
“Hey.”
The sound of his voice made her feel a little weak. “Hi.”
“You okay? I sent you a couple of messages.”
“I…” She had no idea what to say. And then she heard somebody shouting, echoing through the line.
“Are you with your family?” she asked him.
“Yeah. Just got jumped by my brother, the asshole.”
“Do they know you’re talking to me?” Her voice lifted. The thought of them knowing, of them judging…
“No.” His voice was low. “But would it be a problem if they did?”
She let out a long breath. “Yes, it would.”
He didn’t reply for a moment. And she was trying to think of something to say to fill in the gap. To explain that she couldn’t think straight. That she hadn’t been able to since she saw Paul’s photograph on the wall of the fire house.
That every part of her hurt right now.
“Why?” he asked. “Are you ashamed of me?”
His question felt so pointed it was a knife to her heart. “No,” she whispered. “I’m ashamed of me.”
That was the truth of it. A tear rolled down her cheek.
She could hear Marley’s sharp intake of breath. “Well at least you’re honest,” he said.
“I’m sorry. I just…” She tried to get her breathing under control. “Seeing Paul’s photograph. It made me upset. Like it was a sign.”
“A sign?”
“Maybe we’re taking this too fast,” she told him. “Maybe we shouldn’t have done what we did last night.”
“You regret it?” There was hurt in his voice. And she hated it.
She hated herself more.
“I don’t know.” There were more tears. She wiped them away angrily. “I’m sorry. I’m a mess.”
“Let me come over.” His voice was gentle. “We can talk.”
“No!” The thought of it made her panic. “You can’t come over. Not during the daytime.”
There was a pause again. Then he cleared his throat.
“Kate, I hate hearing you so upset. Let me help you.”
But he couldn’t. She felt like she was spiraling. She looked at her bed, remembering what they did in it last night. How he made her feel so good in his arms. How he took care of her.
She didn’t deserve it. She didn’t deserve him.
“I have to go,” she told him, because she couldn’t let him hear her break down.
“Don’t go. Not like this. Kate…”
But she hung up. And turned her phone off, right as the sobs started wracking her body.
She’d messed everything up. She felt so torn.
She let herself cry for five long minutes, then went back downstairs because she was a mom, and she had responsibilities.
“Everything okay?” her mom asked as Kate walked into the kitchen. She was finally up, sitting at the kitchen table, sipping some water. And she actually did look ill. Her face was pale and free of cosmetics, her hair swept back.
Kate opened her mouth to say everything was fine, the way she always did.
But instead a sob escaped her lips. Because no, everything wasn’t fine. It hadn’t been fine for years. She’d tried so hard, tried to be strong.
And moments ago she’d messed things up with the one man who’d made her feel alive again.
Kate’s mom stood up and wrapped her arms around her. “Oh honey, you poor thing. Carlton told me you’d been upset at the fire station.” She stroked Kate’s head, like she used to when she was little.
Her mom smelled of her childhood. Like daisies. God, it made her feel worse.
“Carlton told me about Paul’s photograph.”
Kate sobbed again. Because seeing his photograph on the fire station wall felt like an ending. He’d never change. He’d always be that man smiling out from the wall. And she was moving on. Or at least she’d thought she was last night.
And now? She just felt sick.
“Did you feel guilty about Dad?” Kate whispered. “When you married Carlton?”
Her mom stroked Kate’s hair. “Of course I did. But I knew he would have wanted me to move on. I was young, like you. But I wasn’t brave like you are.”
“I’m not brave.”
“Yes, you are,” her mom said softly. “You have three kids. You have a job. You were already in college when I lost your dad. I didn’t have to be strong for anybody. I just wallowed.”
“I’ve been wallowing, too.”
“No.” Her mom’s voice was sure. “I’ve been watching you. I’ve never seen anybody as strong as you are. You’ve been there for the kids, been there for everybody. Except yourself.” She cupped Kate’s wet cheeks with her hands. “Is this about the date you went on?”
“Carlton told you about that?”
Her mom nodded.
“It’s not about the date,” Kate told her. “That was no good.”
“But you tried. And I’m so proud of you.”
“You shouldn’t be,” Kate said honestly. “I’m an idiot. I’m weak. I should be able to do this alone without crying. I just need to be strong.”
“You think strength is about doing everything alone?” her mom asked, frowning. “That’s not strength. That’s trauma. And it’s understandable, honey. You’ve been through so much. Losing Daddy. Losing Paul…”
And now she felt like she was losing Marley before they’d even begun. No, not losing him, pushing him away. Which was so much worse. Because she was the one shutting the door on him.
“I think I’ve found somebody,” she told her mom. “But I’m messing it all up.”
“You have?” Her mom’s face softened. “That’s wonderful.”
“That I’ve messed it up?” Kate frowned.
“No, that you’re opening yourself up again. That’s all I want for you. To know that there’s a future out there. Happiness. And new beginnings don’t have to mean you didn’t like the old life. That you don’t yearn for it sometimes. It means you’re alive. And honey, you need to live.”
Kate looked at her phone again. Messaging wasn’t working. She wasn’t sure talking with her voice low on the phone would either.
“Mom, can you and Carlton look after the kids for a while?” she asked her. “I need to go talk to somebody.”
“Him?”
She nodded. “Marley.” There, she’d said his name out loud. If only that could erase everything that had just happened on the phone.
“Oh!” Her mom beamed. “Of course. You go and do what you need to. Take your time. Hell, don’t come home all night if you don’t want to.”
“I’ll be home in a couple of hours. It’s just talking.”
“Shame.” Her mom smiled at her. “Sometimes actions speak louder than words.”