Chapter 31
Chapter
Thirty-One
He looked like shit. Not that he expected anything else after another sleepless night. Staring at his exhausted face in the mirror gave him a grim sense of satisfaction. Mostly because what he had to do this morning was the one thing he never wanted to do.
His house was silent as he showered and shaved, then got his clothes ready.
He ironed the shirt he hadn’t worn for a long time. Polished his shoes until he could see his face shining in the leather. Then pulled on the dress pants and jacket firefighters only wore for formal ceremonies and memorial services. It was ironic that the last time he’d worn this was for Paul’s funeral.
And now he was going to see his friend again.
The cemetery was quiet when he pulled his truck into the parking lot. There were a few people visiting graves, but no funeral services taking place. As he climbed out of the cab, the heat of the morning hit him square on the jaw.
But he wouldn’t take off his jacket or loosen his tie. This conversation needed full dress.
Paul’s headstone was just like the man. Plain and plain speaking. A white stone with the following engraved on it:
Paul Connelly. Beloved husband, father, and firefighter. Rest In Peace.
Marley’s eyes traced the dates on the grave. Paul had been in his forties when he died. It was no time at all. Certainly less time than Paul thought he had left on this earth.
He had no time to make any last requests. No time to put his things in order. No time to say goodbye to the people he loved the most.
In the blink of an eye, he ceased to exist.
Marley laid his hand on the cool stone. “I have no idea if you can hear me,” he said, his voice thick. “But if you can. I’m sorry. For everything. I’m sorry I couldn’t save you. I’m sorry you don’t get to see your kids grow up. Your son…” He swallowed hard. “James. He’s a good kid. Becoming a man. Like his dad. And you’d be so damn proud of him. He’s at camp right now. Junior Firefighter Camp. Remember when he was little and you used to chase him around the yard? The kid can run it in about five seconds now.” A fleeting smile pulled at Marley’s lips. “And Ethan. He’s smart. So clued in. A little impulsive, maybe. You might have heard about his arm. I’m sorry about that. It’s my fault, it really is, but I’m gonna make sure he gets better. Somehow.”
A breeze ruffled through the trees, hitting his face, cooling it down. “And Addy. She was so tiny when you died. She’s six now. As beautiful as her mom. I get the feeling she’s gonna be a sassy one.”
He dropped to his knees, knowing the grass would stain his dress pants. But not caring at all. He needed to be face to face with Paul for the next part.
Or with his headstone, anyway.
“And Kate…” He shook his head. “I think you’d be the proudest of her. She’s so beautiful and strong and… of course, I’m biased. I’m in love with her. You know that. You always knew that. And I hope you know I never did anything about it. Even now, I’m fighting against it. Not because I don’t want her but because I do. Too much. And right now I don’t deserve her. I know that. But I want to deserve her. I want you to think I deserve her, too. Is that too much to ask?” He touched the stone again. “I’m sorry. Maybe it is.”
Another gust of wind lifted his hair. It felt almost like a human touch. And yeah, he knew it wasn’t Paul. He didn’t believe in ghosts. Hell, he wasn’t even sure why he was here.
It just felt necessary. Right.
He owed Paul so much. He needed to tell him that.
“I don’t know if Kate will forgive me,” he told Paul. “But I know I need to try to earn it.” He swallowed hard. “It would be so much easier if you could give me a sign, man. A little thunder. A flash of lightning. Make the sun go out for a moment.”
But there was nothing. Just the peacefulness of the cemetery and the blueness of the sky, peppered with little wispy clouds and the contrail of an airplane that had passed over so high it hadn’t made a sound.
And maybe that’s what life was. There weren’t signposts pointing you in the right direction. You didn’t get to know what the results of your actions were before you took them. You just had to navigate it, decision by decision, hoping they’re the right ones. Knowing that some of them would be wrong, but you’d carry on anyway.
And yes, his decisions this week were so damn bad he felt like trash. He’d hurt the woman he was in love with.
He had to show her how damn regretful he was. Not for trying to protect her and the kids – because that was in his nature and he wasn’t sure he could ever change that – but for thinking that overrode the decisions she made. For ending things with her because he couldn’t deal with the guilt of not being there to protect Ethan when he needed it.
“I’m surprised to see you here.”
He turned to see Mary Cooper standing there. The woman who’d been desperate to hear his conversation with Kate at the library yesterday was wearing a knit dress, carrying a bouquet.
“My husband’s grave is over there,” she said, pointing at a headstone two plots down. “I always leave a rose for Kate’s husband when I come to visit Ralph.” She picked a yellow rose out and laid it in front of Paul’s headstone. “So have you pulled your head out of your sweet behind yet?”
It took him a moment to respond. Mostly because he wasn’t sure he’d heard her correctly.
“My sweet behind?” he repeated.
“Voted the best ass in Hartson’s Creek for the last five years running,” she said, sounding deadly serious.
“By who?”
“The Hartson’s Creek Stitching Society. At our annual awards dinner. You get beaten out for the best arms by your baby brother, sadly.”
“You vote about male body parts at your awards dinner?” He didn’t even know they had an awards dinner. Let alone that his ass had been a subject of it for the last five years.
“Among other things. And let me tell you,” she said, waggling her finger. “You’re currently running high in the charts for villain of the year for what you’ve done to our dear Kate.”
He swallowed hard. “Well, I’m trying to rectify that.”
Mary’s lips curled into a smile and for a minute she looked like a sweet older lady. “You better do it right,” she told him. “Woo her. Show her she’s a prize. That woman deserves romance. You’d better give it to her.”
“Romance?” He felt a little weak.
“Absolutely. And don’t half ass it.” She reached for his arm, patting it. “Ooh, solid. Maybe we need to rethink you losing out to Hendrix.”
Jesus Christ, was he in some kind of alternate universe?
“Now stop talking to the dead and start thinking about the living,” she told him. “You aren’t going to get the answers you need here.”
He was ready to leave, anyway. Not just because his conversation with Paul had been distinctly one way. But because he was sweltering in his dress clothes. And he was due on site, too. Pres had been understanding about his need to come in late, but the job still needed to get done.
But there was one thing that Mary was wrong about. He’d gotten the answers he needed here. Even if they’d been in his heart all along.
The community pool was a ten-minute walk from their house, so Kate hadn’t bothered to drive there.
Ethan was sitting on the side of the pool in the shade, his arm protected by the waterproof sleeve she’d bought him, while his friends swam in the center, throwing a ball at each other and occasionally at Ethan.
She could tell he was itching to get in. She was proud of the way he didn’t moan that he couldn’t join them, or that he was getting the ball less than anybody else playing in the pool.
Addy was in the little pool, splashing with her friends while they talked nonstop about something that made them all giggle.
Kate had taken a book with her, but it was completely unread. Instead, her head had been full of thoughts as she’d watched her children play. Thoughts of James – who she’d see in two days, and how they only had a couple of summers left before he’d be going to college. Of Ethan and how she could keep him entertained with only one arm. Of Addy and the way she was so sweet and kept running to Ethan to make sure he was okay.
And even though his friends were there, watching him, he’d treated her sweetly back.
Her kids made her heart ache in the best of ways sometimes.
“Mom, I think I’m ready to go home when you are,” Ethan said, walking over to the sunbed where she’d put all their things.
Kate blinked. Ethan never wanted to leave the pool. Neither did Addy, for that matter. “You sure?” She checked her watch. “We can stay another thirty minutes if you want?”
He shook his head. “Nah.” He glanced at her book. “You look bored anyway.”
“I’m not, it’s fine.”
“Seriously, Mom, let’s get you home.” He patted her shoulder and just that unexpected gesture brought tears to her eyes.
Was she so starved of kindness that her son taking note of her mood was enough to make her cry?
“Can you go get Addy?” Kate asked him, blinking the stupid tears away. They weren’t about Ethan and he didn’t need to see them.
“Sure.”
Kate started to pack their things away as Ethan walked over to the little pool to talk to his sister. She watched him call out Addy’s name and held her breath, half expecting the two of them to explode into their usual argument.
But instead Addy nodded and jumped out of the water.
And then took Ethan’s good hand.
Dear God, had her kids been body snatched? Because they were walking around the pool hand in hand, like Ethan’s friends weren’t there, watching him.
“Everything okay?” Kate asked, her chest tight as they reached her.
“Everything’s fine, Mom,” Ethan told her.
Addy nudged him.
“Ask her,” she whispered.
“I’m going to. Just a minute.” Ethan shook his head at his sister.
“Ask me what?” Kate said, a smile playing at her lips. What were they up to now?
“Is Marley angry at us?” Addy said. “Because of what happened over the weekend?”
The shock of their question made her momentarily silent. She opened her mouth, but no words came out.
She took a deep breath. “No,” she managed. “He’s not angry at you. Not at all.”
“He looked angry when he took the grill,” Ethan said.
Had this been playing on their minds all week? “He wasn’t angry with you. He was angry with me,” she told him.
“Why?” Ethan asked.
“Can we talk about this at home?” she asked them. “Over a bowl of ice cream?”
“Isn’t it almost dinner time?” Addy asked, looking confused. Because ice cream was never a treat before dinner. “And we had ice cream with Aunt Shana the other day.”
“Yes, but it’s hot and we need to talk, so we can make an exception.”
“What’s an expection?” Addy asked, messing up the word.
Kate tried to find the right way to explain it – and failed. “It’s when you get ice cream,” she finally said.
“Yay! I love expections,” Addy says, clapping her hands together.
“Works for me.” Ethan grinned.
It worked for her, too. Because at least she’d have time to think about how to explain the hot tempers of that night with the grill. That they both loved the kids – at least, she hoped they both loved the kids – and wanted what was best for them.
Her stomach felt tight at the memory. And at the thought that kept swirling through her brain. Her refusal to talk to Marley wasn’t going to work. She needed to talk to him. To tell him that if he wanted to still see the kids that would be okay.
Their hearts were more important than hers, after all.
She passed Addy a ball to carry, and Ethan insisted on carrying Addy’s inflatable ring with his good arm. Then Kate lifted the cooler half-full of drinks and the beach bag full of towels over her shoulder, letting Ethan and Addy lead the way out of the pool gate before they turned left to head toward home.
It wasn’t just her kids who needed ice cream. She did, too. A whole sugary heap of it.
And yeah, it was probably going to ruin her dinner.
The idea had come to him as Marley was driving away from the construction site. They’d finished early because of the heat. And yeah, the only reason he wasn’t driving straight to Kate’s house was because he was taking Mary’s advice seriously.
He needed to apologize. To explain. To throw himself at her fucking feet for being a scared ass who didn’t deserve a woman like her.
But more than that, he needed to show her how sorry he was. And this stupid idea in his head kept growing.
So he turned his truck around and drove to the hardware store to get some of the things he’d need to pull this off.
It was weirdly busy. Who knew so many people wanted to do home projects in the middle of summer? He managed to push past a group of women who were asking the new guy for advice about leaky pipes and headed to the counter to pay for his supplies.
His next stop was the garden center. By the time he headed back into town it was late in the afternoon.
And enough time had passed. He drove straight to her.
He was going to lay it down, one way or another. Or rather, lay himself down. He wasn’t guilty or afraid or fearful of the future. Kate’s decision once she heard him out was up to her.
But he wasn’t giving up without a fight. Not this time.
As he turned onto her road he could see the three of them walking toward the house. They were carrying inflatables and towels. The kids’ hair was wet. From the pool, he assumed.
That made his heart feel a little lighter. Ethan was well enough to go to the pool – that was a good thing.
He slowed down, watching them walk up the driveway to the front door. Just looking at her sent tingles through him. She put the cooler down that she had been carrying and slid the key into the lock.
And he pulled into the driveway, making her jump.
“Marley!” Addy shouted when he climbed out of the cab. She ran down the steps, throwing herself against his legs. He lifted her into his arms. She was warm from the sun, damp from the swimming pool. And she had the biggest, toothiest grin on her face. “We missed you.”
“I missed you too, kid.” Even though it had only been three days, he really had. Before the weekend, he’d been ready to declare himself to these kids the way he declared himself to their mom.
Or he’d thought he’d been ready. Ironic, really, that he really was ready now. But he couldn’t do it. Not yet.
Maybe not ever.
Ethan was more cautious. Marley’s gaze sought him out and Ethan gave him a nervous smile.
“Hey,” Ethan said.
“Hey man. How’s the arm?”
Ethan lifted it up. “I went to the pool but I didn’t get it wet.”
“Great work. I’m proud of you.”
That was enough to make Ethan glow. And fuck if that didn’t make him glow, too.
And then there was Kate. She was hovering in the doorway, her wary gaze watching him.
“Kate.” Just saying her name made him want to run to her and scoop her into his arms.
Wooage, man. Wooage. You got work to do first.
“Marley.”
“I hope I’m not interrupting. I just need to borrow your kids for a while.”
Kate blinked. “What? Why?”
“I’d like Ethan and Addy to help me with something.”
“Oh.” A look of disappointment washed over her face. Kate looked at her two youngest kids swarming around him. “Why don’t you two go inside and get changed out of your swimsuits? Then Ethan, you can be in charge of getting the ice cream. Let me and Marley talk for a minute.”
The mere mention of ice cream was enough for Addy to squirm out of his arms and run inside the house. Ethan was a little slower, but no less eager.
Marley walked up the steps, his eyes on Kate.
“Their dentist bills are going to be astronomical if I keep on like this,” she said, shifting her feet.
“Summers are made for ice cream.”
His gaze took her in. The dark hair, tied up into a messy ponytail. The thin straps of her white tank, the way the shorts she was wearing showed off the slimness of her thighs. Her skin, oh God, her skin.
“You look beautiful,” he told her softly.
“Marley, I…”
“And I know I have no right to say that to you. I know that.” His voice cracked as his eyes caught hers. “But there are a lot of things I want to say to you when the time is right and you’re willing to hear them. But I’m guessing we have about five minutes before the kids are riding some kind of sugar high, and that’s nowhere near enough time for me to say all the things I need to say.”
Her expression was neutral. She wasn’t giving anything away. And that was fine. He didn’t want her to give him anything. He wanted to earn it. Like the prize she was.
“So let me start by telling you this. I’m a fucking idiot. And I’m so, so sorry. For the grill, for the argument. But most of all, for leaving you when you were at your lowest. For walking away when I always promised to be the one who stayed.”
“Mom!”
Kate frowned. “I have to…”
“Yeah, I know. Can I come in? There really is a project I want to work on with the kids.”
“Now?”
“It’ll take a couple of hours, but yeah, now. If they want to.”
“It’s almost dinner time,” Kate pointed out.
“We can stop for dinner. For drinks. For whatever.”
“You know they’ll be more of a hindrance than a help, right?” Her gaze softened. And damn, he loved that gaze.
“I’m counting on it,” he said.
“Then come in.”
Thank God. It was a first step toward his goal. But he still had a lot more to take.