9. Chapter Nine
Chapter Nine
Caiden
I s it possible to have the best and worst birthday of your life all in the space of a day? Because that’s what today has been. Last night sucked. Kyle’s rough hands and sloppy kisses haunted my dreams and I woke up in a cold sweat in Sage’s bed, my face streaked and crusty with dried tears.
But today? Today was probably the best day I’ve had in a very long time. Spending time with Cooper, laughing with him as we chased each other through the garden, and stargazing in his still, quiet presence, left me feeling lighter than I had in a while.
Turning my smart speaker on to play a random selection, I close my eyes and think of Cooper. I smile, remembering the day we turned eight and our parents took us to the cinema. We ate popcorn mixed with chocolate buttons and drank soda for the very first time. Mum had laughed at the animated film and Dad had held her hand, smiling when she popped a piece of popcorn in his mouth. Afterwards, Cooper and I had built a tent out of sofa cushions and blankets and then spent the night telling each other stories and laughing in that carefree way that two happy eight year olds with bellies full of sugar do. I can still vividly recall that night, and the way I’d been so warm inside. That’s what happiness was to me - that warmth that filled me from the bottom of my toes to the tips of my ears.
“I’m so glad I was born with my best friend,” Cooper had said, his smile big but his eyes heavy with sleep.
My chest tightens when I picture Cooper now, aiming that same wide smile at Jamie. Jamie, who is his new best friend. Or his other best friend. Jamie, the boy with messy brown hair and the crooked grin. The one who sings old songs out loud regardless of who's around and who talks animatedly about buildings and shit.
Jamie, who I want to hate because Cooper loves him and he loves Cooper, and no one loves me.
I don’t even like myself very much.
A furry tail brushes against my face as my cat, Ford, climbs onto my chest. He digs his nails into my t-shirt and a little engine starts in his chest as he purrs. I stroke his back and he settles himself contentedly, rolling into a furry ball. I found him a year ago at the bottom of a garden I was working on. He's all black, scrawny though in good health, and missing most of his tail. I don't know his history, but someone hurt him, of that I'm sure. And I'll never let anything bad happen to him again. One day I'll build him a huge catio in our garden and he can live like a king.
Digging into my back pocket, without disturbing Ford, I pull out the bracelet Jamie gave me. Spinning it in my hand, I hold it up to the light to get a better look. The steel that makes up the small links are a dark gray, almost black and the stones laid into each link are a dark blue. I’m sure they have a name but I don’t know much about precious stones or gems. It’s heavy and cold to the touch and when I lay it over my wrist and fasten it securely, it blends in beautifully against my tattooed skin. I try to squash the thought that he chose this gift because it reminded him of me. I shouldn’t think that Jamie picked it out for any other reason than that he needed to buy something.
Citizen Soldier’s Bedroom Ceiling plays through my smart speaker and I drop my arm, letting it fall to the cool sheets, the bracelet a noticeable weight on my wrist.
My eyes drift up to my own ceiling and I study the small crack that runs from the light to one corner. The lyrics of the song reach me and I think over all the feelings and thoughts that sit heavily on my chest, wondering if there’s merit to just blurting them all out, even if only the walls of my room can hear them.
“I didn’t want him to touch me,” I whisper, taking a deep breath and then repeating my words. Tears blur my vision and I blink rapidly to bat them away. “I just wanted Mum to have dinner with me.” More tears build up until the blinking does nothing but push them down my cheeks. “I wish I was more like Cooper.” More tears. “I wish someone loved me like Jamie loves Cooper.” I continue like this, naked truths and painful realities tumbling from my lips, until my eyes are stinging. My sobs deepen and Ford jumps off of me, gives me a glance and then walks to his bed attached to the radiator in my room.
My chest tightens and I squeeze my eyes shut as that familiar drowning sensation starts creeping up from the pit of my stomach.
My pulse races until all I can hear is the boom boom of my heartbeat in my ears. It’s so loud that I can’t hear anything else. Even the song is drowned out. I startle when a warm body blankets me and Cooper’s familiar vanilla scent fills my nostrils. I wrap my arms around him as he turns us over and pulls me into his chest, positioning us until we’re leaning against the headboard of my unmade bed.
“I didn’t want him to touch me,” I say, and Cooper sucks in a breath, but he doesn’t pull away. A hand comes up to the back of my head and he rubs it, up and down, up and down, up and down. The rhythm is a comfort that reaches the darkest parts of my damaged soul. “I begged him to stop. Why didn’t he stop?” My sobs grow harder until my words are coming out in hiccups. “And Mum didn’t come, I just wanted to have dinner with her for my birthday.” More sobs, more tears, more hiccups. More soothing pats and tight hugs from my twin. My best friend.
I pull back, my eyes burning when they look into Cooper’s own, bloodshot eyes. Tears line his cheeks and he’s chewing his bottom lip. “I feel like I’m drowning, Cooper. All the time. Like there’s all this water and it’s pushing me down, holding me under, and there’s no one there to save me.”
He takes my hands in his, squeezing them tightly. Blue eyes that mirror my own hold me in their grasp, keeping me grounded and connected.
“I’ll be your lifejacket. I’ll always save you, Caiden. Always.”
I fall on top of him and hold on as though he really will stop me from drowning. A sound like a knock on the door catches my attention and I look up from Cooper's shoulder to find Jamie leaning against the bedroom door. He’s watching us, his own eyes glossy and his lip trapped between his bottom teeth. Our eyes meet and there is a warmth - something like concern in his sparkling greens, that I’ve never seen aimed at me before.
I wish I could hate him. But I don’t think that’s really what I feel.
The longer I stay locked in Jamie’s eyes, the harder my heart beats, so I break away and nuzzle my face into the crook of Cooper’s neck.
“You’re my best friend, Coop,” I say, my voice muffled against the now damp fabric of his shirt.
“And you’re mine. I’m so lucky I was born with my best friend,” he says, repeating those words from twelve years ago. He really is my other half.