27. Chapter Twenty-Seven
Chapter Twenty-Seven
Caiden
“ Y ou look like shit,” my best friend says as I open the door to him. “And open a fucking window, I feel high just standing here.” Darius eyes the joint in my hand before pushing past me and forcefully opening as many windows as he can. The sounds of buses and passersby filter into my small apartment along with the scent of wet tar and rainfall.
Ignoring his whinging, I resume my seat on the sofa and inhale a lungful of weed, enjoying the way my head feels light and fluffy, then deposit the remains of it into an empty soda can.
“I’ve given you time to mope, but enough is enough. Get up and shower, you stink.” He kicks my ankle and I glare at him, the same way Ford does to me when he doesn’t want to be disturbed.
“I smell fine,” I reply, rolling my head on the back of the sofa. The hoodie I’m wearing no longer smells like Jamie but I still hate cleaning it, each wash taking away more and more of him. God, I’ve turned into such a sap. When did that happen?
Darius sighs and sinks down next to me. “It’s been three weeks, babe. Have you considered that maybe, it’s not such a bad idea for you to go home for a bit? You obviously miss him.”
“I don’t.” Turning my head to the side, I take in Darius’s expression. The wrinkles on either side of his eyes, the tight knit of his brows and the firm set of his jaw. He doesn’t have a deep groove on his forehead when he frowns. Not like…. “He left and I’m fine with it. I’m not even thinking about him.”
His eyebrow rises impossibly high right before he punches me in the shoulder. “Don’t fucking lie to me. I’ve barely seen you since he left. Your messages are short and clipped and you look and smell like something dead that Ford brought in. It’s okay to miss the guy.”
“Remind me why you’re my best mate again?” I respond wryly, rubbing at the spot where he hit me. He scowls, all fire and ferocity like a tiger cub. “Fine. But I’m not lying. I’m not only thinking about Jamie.”
He remains silent, waiting for me to elaborate, which I do when the silence grows too uncomfortable. “If you must be so bloody nosey, I’ve been thinking about what I’d say if I saw my dad again.”
“And?”
“And, I honestly can’t think of anything that would be enough.”
Darius tips his head until it’s resting on my shoulder. His blond hair smells like apples, which only makes me think of the way Jamie smells. Like Earl Gray tea and sleepy mornings.
“Maybe showing up is enough. He’s your dad. He’s not going to expect a long apology speech or a grand gesture. Why not go and see what happens?”
“You make it sound so easy,” I reply. I've thought about it so often over the past few weeks and it terrifies me. The idea of showing up back home, and looking my dad in the eye for the first time since Cooper died makes my lungs tighten, that drowning sensation making it hard for me to breathe.
“Because it is,” Darius continues, seemingly unaware of the turmoil ripping through me like a tornado. “Sitting around here all day isn’t changing anything. It’s like Jamie left and you got stuck.”
His insinuation that Jamie leaving affected me that much only adds to the weight holding me under, even if there is some truth to his words. I’ve been fine without Jamie for three years, I can be fine without him again.
“I’m not stuck,” I say, pushing Darius off my shoulder and standing up. “I go to work, I go to therapy. I’m putting in all the work to feel better about Cooper and my parents and everything that happened.” My voice breaks and I choke on a painful intake of air. My hands move over my thighs, the rubbing motion an attempt to soothe my now racing pulse. My thighs sting as I rub harder, feeling the instant one of the newer scabs opens and blood drips down the inside of my leg.
Darius flies off the couch and comes towards me. “Caiden, hey. It’s okay.” He pulls me closer and rubs my arms. “I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to upset you. Take a breath, okay. Breathe with me.” He starts directing me to inhale and exhale and as the minutes pass, my heart stops trying to escape my body and my lungs expand without hurting.
“I’m sorry if it seemed like I was pushing you, babe. I just want you to be okay.” Darius’s voice is warm and comforting. Inside I know he’s right. I’ve been moving on autopilot for three weeks - going to work, seeing my therapist and doing the homework she gives me. I’ve taken my meds, eaten healthily and haven’t touched any alcohol. I feel good but I also feel anchored and not in the way that makes you feel safe but in the way that makes you feel trapped…..stuck.
“And I’m certain he didn’t want to leave,” Darius adds, trying to make me feel better about Jamie's absence.
My skin itches, exhaustion heavy in my limbs, but at the same time I can't stop myself from shaking out of his hold and pacing the length of the room.
“Well he’s not here, is he?” I snap. “And he hasn’t said he’s coming back so…here we are.” I wave my hands around the room as if that’ll show Darius how devoid the space is of Jamie.
“You are such a child when you’re heartbroken,” he jokes, guiding me to the kitchen where he starts fiddling with the kettle.
“I’m not heartbroken. I’m…” What am I? Hurt? Disappointed? Embarrassed? A stupid fucking fool who went and caught feelings for his dead brother’s boyfriend, who lives hours away and has a girlfriend and a whole other life? Yeah, that fits.
“You’re heartbroken. But babe, he only left because his best friend needed him. I’d like to think you’d do the same for me.” Darius fills two mugs with tea and adds water then heads to the fridge, where he will be disappointed to find I have no milk. Feeling petty, I don’t tell him.
“I promise if you go into early labour and need a birthing partner, I’ll be there for you,” I reply dryly while also feeling like an ass because Darius is right, Jamie had a good reason to go home. Sage was only thirty-five weeks pregnant when she went into labour. She was scared and alone - the baby's father not in the picture, and her family either too far away or needed by their own families to be there for her.
All I know from his brief message that came through the next morning was that both Sage and the baby were fine. He tried to call me, but I ignored it, too caught up in my own feelings and the fact that he left without a proper goodbye.
“Don’t be a dick. You know what I mean.” Darius adds a hefty helping of sugar to the black tea and hands me a cup. It’s both bitter and far too sweet when I finally take a sip. Darius winces then spits his out and empties it into the sink. “Have you at least spoken to him since he left? My guess is he misses you too.”
“You met him once, you can’t possibly know that.” I wash up the dirty mugs, dry them and pack them away.
Darius shrugs. “He was an open book with eyes only for you. I know what I know.”
The truth is, Jamie has tried. He’s sent me messages to see how I am, a few to apologise for leaving abruptly before we had a chance to talk, and lately some that say how pissed off he is that I’m not replying. He’s never mentioned me coming to him, not after I flat out refused, and I haven’t asked him to come back. I tell myself that it’s because Jamie is where he’s meant to be, where he was always meant to be, and not that I’m afraid he’ll say no and confirm the fear I have that we were nothing more than a fling. Two hurt, sad, lonely guys finding temporary comfort in each other.
He was never mine to have .
“Whatever,” I quip. “To answer your question, no, I haven’t spoken to him. He’s not my boyfriend, we fucked a few times and then he went back to his actual life. He doesn’t need a fuck up like me in it.” I’m not sure if I’m trying to convince myself or Darius, but the look he gives me tells me it’s not working on him.
“You’re such a stubborn shit,” Darius muses while typing something on his phone. “Firstly, you’re not a fuck up. A fucking pain, sure, but not a fuck up. Secondly, it wouldn’t hurt you to be vulnerable with him - tell him that you want to see him. Pushing Jamie away is making you miserable, which in turn is making me miserable.” Darius points between us. “So at the end of the day it’s in everyone’s best interest that you call him.”
“Oh! I’m sorry I didn’t realise this was about you,” I say jokingly.
He continues to type on his phone before adding, “All jokes aside, look me in the eye and tell me you don’t have very strong feelings for the guy? And that you don’t wish you two were together? Tell me that all of this,” he waves one hand in front of me, “isn’t you pining for him.”
When I only look at my feet he huffs. “See, I knew it. He’s not going to show up at your door because he probably thinks you don’t want him around. Ghosting someone will give them that impression. Not to mention he’s winning friend of the year down there playing pseudo-dad.”
God, I hate it when Darius is right and I hate that I miss Jamie so much too.
“My friend, the ball is in your court.” He shows me his phone screen. “I’m ordering pizza and ice-cream to help myself feel better about your poor choices.”
My own phone buzzes from its spot on the kitchen counter and we both look at it to see an incoming message from Oliver flash up on the screen.
I snatch it up. “Maybe a nice hard fuck is just what I need.” The thought of another man touching me turns my stomach but I ignore my best friend and the warning in his voice when he calls my name, and close myself in my bedroom.
Oliver: It’s been way too long, pretty boy. Can I come over? Presuming your Prince Charming isn’t around to beat my ass.
Hesitating, I sit on the edge of my bed and read the message again. Oliver is safe. I feel nothing for him. He doesn’t knock me off balance when he smiles. His touches don’t set fireworks off in my blood. His kisses don’t engrave themselves on my skin. He's…nothing to me.
I startle when my phone rings.
“Hey sexy, it's been a while,” Oliver says, his voice low and husky. “I've been thinking about you. Can I come over and show you what I've been thinking?” He breathes heavily down the phone.
When I don't reply he says my name, this time a little less husky. “Come on, you know you want me there. I'll fuck you so good, like I always do.”
It could be so easy to fall into old ways and let him come over. At least with Oliver I know exactly how I feel and I know what we are to each other. There's no complex history or complicated feelings.
Oliver is an easy distraction - but he’s a distraction I don’t want.
“I don't….” I start before saying more firmly, “No, you can't come over.”
“Maybe it’s time to start actually living, Jamie.”
“I will, if you will. And we’ll do it for us. Not for anyone else.”
What I want - who I want - is hours away, in our home town, with a family and a life I could be a part of. Jamie has said it time and time again, that they want me there. The only thing stopping me is…me. I am the barrier to all the good things that I could have in my life.
A family. Jamie.
For no one else but myself, I make the decision to stop running. Three years has been a very long time. Enough time.
“We're not doing this anymore, Oliver. Lose my number and don't call me again,” I say with finality.
Trudging into the bathroom, I strip out of my clothing and start the shower. I try not to think about the times I shared this space with Jamie, as I wash my hair and soap up my body. Instead, I focus on the tools my therapist gave me and the discussions we've had about worry and anxiety, especially about things I have no control over, like my father’s reaction to seeing me.
It’s not easy, and I end up sitting against the wall of the shower, letting the discomfort and the fear wash over me along with the warm water. My pulse races and nausea churns my stomach, but I don’t push any of it away. Instead, I acknowledge that the unwelcome sensations in my body are just a way of my mind trying to protect me. I’m in control and I’m okay.
With a new determination that is more false bravado than anything else, I finish getting dressed then meet Darius in the kitchen. He opens his mouth to speak but I shake my head. “Oliver’s never happening again.”
Relief flashes across his features. “You scared me there for a sec. I was not looking forward to fighting him off if you invited him over.” He grins and then adds, “Anyway, moving on, pizza will be here soon and I thought tomorrow, we could go to the beach.”
“I think….I think I’m going to go home tomorrow.”
Darius smiles, like a proud parent watching their child graduate - big and unguarded.
“Good for you, babe.”
“Do you think my dad will really understand why I left? Or that he’ll forgive me for all the years I was an absolute shit towards him?” I ask Darius. I want to ask Jamie, I want to sink into his arms and tell him everything that’s on my mind, but I’m tackling one thing at a time now. Before I can even think about what happens next for me and him, I need to know where I stand with my father.
“I think you owe it to yourself to find out,” Darius says.
“That’s what I’m going to do. No matter how scared I am.”
“What about Jamie?”
“If his last message is anything to go by, he's pissed at me. I miss him and I want to be with him but there’s a lot of unknowns. He may still be with his girlfriend and I think he’s still in love with Cooper, so there’s every chance he doesn’t have space for me in his life.” Or heart. “Coop told me once that Jamie is an old romantic that believes everyone has one soulmate, one true love. If Cooper was his, where does that leave me?”
Darius studies my face, his blue eyes sparkling. “You’re in love with him.”
I shake my head from side to side, but soon enough change direction. “Even thinking about Jamie and love in the same sentence wracks me with guilt. It feels like a huge betrayal.”
“You’re not betraying anyone, Caiden.” The smile drops from Darius’s face and settles into a stern glower. It's not often that he full names me, either. “I’m going to sound really fucking harsh now but you can take it. Cooper is dead. He’s not coming back. He cannot love Jamie any more and you cannot betray him because he’s not around to be betrayed. Your twin loved you - I didn’t even know him but I am certain of that. Can you honestly tell me, he’d rather you be unhappy than in love and happy with his ex?”
I close my eyes and picture my brother. His blue eyes, so much like mine but filled with a lust for life I’ve never experienced. His wide smile, all teeth and rosy cheeks. His affectionate touches and boisterous laugh. The way he held me when I was falling apart and the way he promised to always be there to keep me afloat. The way he loved Jamie so honestly and wholly with every bit of him.
Looking at Darius through blurry eyes I shake my head. “I think he’d have wanted us both to be happy.”