28. Chapter Twenty-Eight
Chapter Twenty-Eight
Jamie
N ova grunts in her sleep and I pat her back while singing softly. No one told me that newborns sound like little pigs when they’re sleeping, so the first few times were disconcerting, but now I’ve got this whole uncle thing down and I understand all her different noises and cries. With a sandwich and a glass of orange juice on a tray, and Nova strapped to my chest in a baby carrier, I join Sage in the lounge.
She's sitting on the sofa, her legs tucked up under her and a parenting book resting on her lap. Sage smiles at me softly and I resist the urge to hug her tightly. I'm so bloody proud of my best friend. Nova's birth was hard work on her - a long labour that was too early and ended up in an assisted delivery. Thankfully though, they only stayed in hospital for five days before returning home. Now, Sage and Nova visit me at my place – well, my parents' place – all the time, making themselves at home like they're part of the family. Which fits, because they are my family.
“You don’t have to wait on me, and you can put her down, Jay,” Sage says, taking the tray.
Wrapping my arms around Nova, I hug her possessively. “We’re fine. Aren’t we, little baby star?” I kiss the top of her soft head and she grunts in response, nuzzling against my chest.
Sage laughs before taking a sip of the orange juice and a large bite of her sandwich.
“You say you’re fine, but I get this sneaky suspicion that you’re using my kid as a way of distracting yourself from life,” Sage jokes, and I open my mouth in mock outrage. “Don’t get me wrong, I appreciate all the extra help but I’m also not stupid. I know what you’re doing.”
“And what am I doing? Besides being the best uncle in the world?” I say the last bit while looking down at the scrunched up face resting on my chest.
“Let’s see,” Sage starts. “Pretending like your girlfriend didn’t dump you in a spectacularly loud fashion in the middle of a hospital waiting room, ignoring the feelings you’ve developed for a certain, dark haired broody stepbrother, and putting off making plans after quitting your job with nothing else lined up. You, Jay, are a big fucking mess.”
I cover Nova’s ears and glare at Sage who only shakes her head at me, fondly.
“She’s three weeks old, she doesn’t understand the word ‘fuck’. Do you have nothing to say to any of that? You’re not even going to disagree with me?”
Sighing, I unstrap Nova and settle her on my chest as I sit down on the sofa next to Sage.
“No, because you’re right. I have no job, my girlfriend dumped me - not that I blame her - and I thought I had something special with Caiden but then, he’s done nothing but ignore me. I get he’s disappointed that I left, but I had to.”
Sage opens her mouth to say something and I cover it with my hand. We’ve already had this argument numerous times - and I’ve told her, I wouldn’t have changed it for the world - she needed me and I promised to be there for her. I wasn’t going back on that.
“Let’s pretend I didn’t rush home three weeks ago - what then? I couldn’t stay holed up in his flat with him no matter how much I wanted to. That wasn’t realistic, reality was always going to come and slap us in the face. And I asked him to come with me. He’s the one who said no.”
“He said he couldn’t because of his father, not because of you. You know things are more complicated than you’re making them out to be,” Sage reminds me.
“I get that, but I wasn’t enough to change his mind. If I mattered, if we mattered, he’d have come with or at least answered my bloody phone calls.” I know I’m being unreasonable but over the past three weeks, I’ve moved from sad, to irrational to angry. “It’s very clear those weeks meant more to me than they did to him.”
Sage sighs. “What’s stopping you from going back now? With Rachel out of the picture, and no job, what’s keeping you here? And do not say me and Nova, because I won’t have that.”
Everything and nothing.
The feeling like he doesn’t want me there. The niggling inside that tells me pursuing something with Caiden will only end in heartache. The fact that I still haven’t found it in me to say goodbye to Cooper or let go of the belief that he was it for me and there's no one else I could love. The words stick on my tongue, unsure how to voice the reasoning I don’t quite understand myself.
“I don’t know. Can you let me be angry and sad for a little while before you try to make me think logically? Is that okay?” I bite out. Sage blinks but doesn’t look the least bit offended. She’s used to my moods by now. “I think Nova needs a walk.” Ignoring the pitying glare from Sage, I strap Nova back onto my chest then check she still has two socks on.
I’m gathering up the baby bag in the kitchen when my mum walks in, her hands laden with groceries.
“Oh, it’s my favourite person!” she exclaims, dropping all her shopping. She strokes Nova’s head before patting her on the back.
“Nice to see you too, Mum,” I joke and she looks up at me, fondness warm in her eyes.
“She’s cuter than you and you live here, I see you all the time.” Mum shrugs. “Were you two on your way out?”
“Jamie was having a tantrum and taking Nova with him as his emotional support baby,” Sage says from where she’s leaning against the door frame. I turn in her direction with an icy glare and she chuckles. “While you’re out, I’m going to take a quick shower,” she says, before disappearing up the stairs.
I help Mum unpack, Nova sleeping contentedly while I do. “Still upset about Rachel? I’m sorry things didn’t work out for you. She seemed nice,” Mum says. She doesn’t know about Caiden, I haven’t even told her I’ve seen him. I planned to, I did, but when he stopped answering my messages I figured it would be for the best to say nothing. No one needs false hope in this house.
“Yeah,” I say, with no conviction.
“Sorry, my love. Go have a walk, clear your head and when you get back, I’ll make us pancakes.”
“Thanks Mum.”
“For what it's worth,” she adds, “I don't think Rachel and you were a perfect fit. You never looked at her the right way.”
“What do you mean?” Nova stirs, and I sway from foot to foot to settle her.
“You looked at Cooper like he handed you the sun everytime he smiled. You glowed, like the love you had for him couldn't be contained.”
“Cooper was….he was everything to me.” Mum smiles at me sadly, doing that thing mums do when they look right through you and into your deepest secrets.
“I'll see you in a bit,” I say, then balance a sunhat on Nova's head. “Come on, little star, let’s get some sunshine.” At the front door, I check I have my phone then swing it open and come face to face with a pair of sparkling blue eyes that have way too much hold over me.
Caiden startles with his hand lifted, taking a step back then tracing his eyes down my face to the baby strapped to my chest. He's so gorgeous and I wish my temperature didn't rise when I notice that despite the summer heat, he’s wearing my hoodie again. He has a backpack over one shoulder, which he shifts uncomfortably to the other side.
“What are you doing here?” I don’t mean to sound angry, or maybe I do because fuck it, I am angry. I’m also so fucking relieved to see him, that it’s making me even angrier.
He coughs and clears his throat. “Is this Sage’s baby?” He takes a step forward and reaches out a hand that he quickly drops to his side. When I don’t answer he speaks again. “I was hoping…um…I wanted to see my dad.” His eyes dart over my shoulder before settling on my face again.
Say you came to see me, too.
“He’s not here, he’ll be back tomorrow,” I tell him. I’ve thought about this moment, and in my head, Caiden throws his arms around me and we kiss and he tells me how much he’s missed me. He says he’s sorry he ignored me and we hold each other and everything feels right again like it did all those days we spent in his bed together.
That doesn’t happen.
Caiden shifts awkwardly on his feet, a sickening tension building between us. “Oh, okay, I can come back tomorrow.”
He turns to leave, but pauses. “I’m sorry I didn’t call before coming,” he finally says.
“Why would you have, you don’t talk to me, remember?” I scoff, my voice hard and cold, so he doesn’t know how much he affects me. Caiden’s eyes close briefly before catching my gaze again, blue orbs searching mine. I try my hardest to school my features, keeping my expression blank.
“You’re mad at me,” he states. “I deserve that, but I can explain.”
“I’m not angry, I’m…” I shake my head. “Your dad will be glad you’re here,” I say, changing the subject.
He chews on his bottom lip then licks it, his tongue ring poking out with the action. “Are you glad I’m here?” he asks in a low voice.
Swallowing thickly, I look at Nova and then back at Caiden. Before I can answer, there’s a small gasp from behind me, followed by my mum’s trembling voice.
“Caiden?” She moves to stand next to me, her shoulder bumping against my arm. “I can’t believe you’re here.” When I look at Mum, her eyes are wet and she’s wearing a soft smile.
“Hi, Maria,” Caiden says. “I wanted to see my dad, but Jamie says he’s not in. I’m sorry for bothering you, I'll come back tomorrow.”
Caiden takes a step back but my mum darts forward and wraps him in a hug. “You’re not bothering anyone. I’m so happy to see you.” Her blonde hair is a stark contrast to his dark locks as she hugs him tighter. Mum whispers something in his ear and Caiden nods, his own eyes glistening with unshed tears. I stand motionless at the door and watch as Mum takes Caiden’s hand and guides him into the house.
“Caiden is going to stay here tonight,” she says. My heart pounds erratically, so loud in my ears, I’m surprised she can’t hear it. Mum leans into me and says in a stern, no bullshit voice. “Be nice, Jamie. I know you two had your issues but he’s home now and my husband needs this.”
She has no idea how much I begged him to come back, how badly I want him here. Not just for Duncan, but for me too. Instead of saying anything, I simply nod. Caiden gives me a sheepish look before following her into the kitchen.
“Your Uncle Jamie feels something big for that man,” I mumble to Nova. “But your uncle is also a big confused mess.” She opens her blue eyes and blinks at me, before popping her fist in her mouth and falling back asleep.