31. Chapter Thirty-One
Chapter Thirty-One
Caiden
I don’t know exactly when I realised I’d forgotten what Cooper sounded like. The longer he’s been gone, the harder I’m finding it to recall the finer details of him like his scent and the sound of his laughter. I expected it to be the same with my dad, but as I walk into the kitchen, my first thought is that he sounds just like he always has - his voice a warm, deep timbre. He’s never been a loud man, firm when he needs to be, never the type to shout or raise his voice, but never too softly spoken either.
“I still can’t believe that none of his colleagues showed up, I felt so bad for the guy,” my father says to Maria. His back is to the door and he’s unpacking his laptop bag onto the counter. She looks up when I enter, a smile gracing her face. Dad notices, turning slowly to follow his wife’s line of sight.
When he sees me, he drops the papers in his hand, letting them fall to the counter.
“Caiden?” he says, his voice reverent and unsure - like maybe he can’t believe his eyes. Behind me, Jamie rests a hand on my lower back and nudges me forward. Dad meets me halfway, his eyes glassy and his chin trembling.
“Hi, Dad.”
Those two words must hit him hard because his knees buckle and I dash forward and grab him. He’s taller than me, but so much thinner than I remember. His dark hair is speckled with gray, especially around his temples, but he’s still very much my dad. Still the same man who bandaged up my knee when I fell off my bike, who watched that Peter Pan show three times and stood and cheered at the end of every one, and who never gave up on me, even when I pushed him away.
“This is real, right?” He rests his hands on my shoulder and pushes me back, his eyes scanning me from top to toe. “I began to think I’d never see you again.” Tears streak his face, hiding among the dark beard he’s grown since I last saw him.
We hold each other for what feels like hours, no one speaking. I feel the beating of his heart and his unsteady breaths. Somewhere in the kitchen, someone turns on the kettle, and in the far distance a dog barks. Still, neither of us let each other go.
“I’m sorry,” I cry, my face buried in his neck. “I’m sorry for all of it. For believing Mum, for choosing her, for being such an awful son to you. I’m just so sorry. I cost us so much, Dad. I cost us Cooper.”
“Hey,” he says, his voice hoarse with emotion, moving me so we’re eye to eye. “You did no such thing. You were a child when your mother left and we used you and your brother as weapons against each other. That’s on us, not on you. I’m sorry I was hard on you, I should have been better. As for Coop,” he wipes the tears from my cheeks with the back of his hand. “Cooper died in an unfortunate accident.”
Shaking my head, I pull out of his hold. Why is no one blaming me? Why does no one - not Dad, not Maria, not Jamie - see that it was my fault?
“An accident he wouldn’t have been in if not for me!” Everything in me aches as I tell my dad, and Maria - who is standing at his side now - every sordid detail of what happened that night and the months leading up to it. About Mum, and about Kyle. I say it all, letting the words tumble out in painful gasps that leave me empty and cold.
“I’m sorry that happened to you, my boy,” my dad says, his voice filled with compassion. “I’m sorry that man hurt you. I can see why you’re blaming yourself, but you need to stop doing that. Anything could have happened that night. You could have been driving - or Jamie could have. We could have lost either of you or all of you. There is no way to ever know and we can’t move forward if we’re stuck looking back.”
Jamie’s hand is still on my back and I press into his touch. He makes me feel safe. Grounded. He gives me so much with one touch of his hand.
“I wish it had been me instead,” I admit, hanging my head. Jamie grumbles and Dad moves to stand right in front of me, the black toes of his shiny work shoes touching the tips of my socked feet. He tips my chin up and I’m forced to look into the same shockingly blue eyes I share with him and used to share with Cooper.
“I don’t.” He shakes his head. “God, Cade, please tell me you haven’t spent these past three years wishing you’d died?”
I choke on my words but manage a garbled yes then show him the scar on my wrist. Maria gasps and silent tears trail down my dad's cheeks.
“I miss Cooper. I just wanted to be with him again. If I had died that day instead of him, or with him, I wouldn’t hurt so much. Everything hurts, all the time,” I sob.
“Oh, Cade.” Dad takes a tissue that Maria offers him and dabs at my wet cheeks. “I’m sorry I didn’t do better by you. I know I wasn’t always a good dad and I regret so much that I never showed you how much I love you - maybe if I had, you wouldn’t have left when we needed each other most.”
I told myself on the train down, that I wouldn’t feel guilty for leaving - for doing what I had to do, and I don’t, but that doesn’t make the fact that I wasn’t here when he needed me, or when I needed him, any less painful.
“I had to go, Dad.” I finally give in and lean back into Jamie. He wraps an arm around my waist and rests a hand over my stomach. I don’t miss the questioning look in my father’s eyes but he doesn’t say anything. “I’ve been pushing you away for years, and even more once you married Maria.” I look at the beautiful blonde standing next to my dad, with a hand on his shoulder. She’s never been anything but welcoming to me and I repaid her with a bad attitude and a boatload of indifference. “How could I stay? It wasn’t fair of me to ask you to help me through the worst days of my life. Not when I’d never been there for you.”
“Families don’t keep scores, Caiden,” Dad says firmly, but not unkindly. “And that’s exactly what we are - you, me, Maria, Jamie and Cooper. I know we’re not the family you always wanted but we’re what you have.”
Maria steps in front of him and kisses me on the cheek. “We love you.” I can’t recall the last time my own mother told me she loved me - I think I was probably fifteen or sixteen. It was so long ago, I don’t remember what it was like to have a mother love me. Maria’s words penetrate my heart, filling in cracks that have been forming since long before Cooper died.
“Why? I’ve been so horrid to you.”
She smiles softly and looks over my shoulder at Jamie. “I’ve raised a teenage boy, I’m used to the bad attitudes. You didn’t want a stepmom or a stepbrother, I’ve been in that position myself, so I understood. But you couldn’t scare me off or stop me from loving you and Cooper like my own.”
Jamie scoffs adoringly, his breath hot on my neck and I can’t fight off my grin.
Silence falls in the kitchen while warm summer sun streams through the windows and the open back door. A few seconds pass before my dad speaks again.
“I’ve really missed you. Thank you for coming home.”
Love.
Family.
Home.
It all feels like too much and not enough at the same time. I want to say more, to inhale more of their sweet words and their understanding but my body and mind are too tired.
My knees turn to jelly, my chest tightens and I choke on a tidal wave of tears made up of years of anguish. My dad takes me from Jamie’s hold, tucking me into him and letting me cry for every moment of my life that’s hurt. For the times my mother stood me up and made me feel like I was worthless, for the times I let my twin down, for the moments I felt like hurting myself was the only answer. I cry for the brother I lost and the time we lost before, when I could have been laughing with him but was instead drowning myself in drinks and men. And I cry for the three years I spent without this - without my family.
With no more tears left to cry and my body trembling with overwhelming exhaustion, I finally pull away from my dad and resume my place in Jamie’s arms. Maria - who like her son, is a natural caregiver - has made four cups of tea and laid out slices of chocolate cake. We each take a mug and a plate and then sit in the lounge. Maria and Dad on the large sofa, Jamie on the armchair and me on the floor between his feet. His hands card through my hair while I sip on my tea. It’s warm, and comforting, and together with the feel of Jamie’s reassuring presence, I feel more centered and balanced than I have in a very long time.
“Is someone going to explain this to me, at some point?” Dad asks, pointing at me and Jamie. The atmosphere in the room shifts and behind me, Jamie’s hand tightens in my hair.
“Mum has already expressed her concern,” Jamie replies. I missed most of his conversation with his mum this morning so wasn’t aware she had concerns. I can see it though, how this looks to others.
“Then I trust that you know we only want what’s best for you both,” my dad adds, diplomatically.
We both nod and he adds, “I can’t get my head around how you two suddenly tolerate each other.” He cracks a grin, breaking the tension in the room.
Jamie laughs and I tip my head up. ”I tolerate him because he’s actually not a huge grumpy ass. Most of the time, anyway,” he says, his voice full of affection and eliciting a chuckle out of Maria and my dad. I don’t say the words out loud but in my mind, I think them. I adore this man. He is the glow of the sun pushing through all my darkest clouds.
“You were either born with a strange talent for Uno or you cheat,” my dad jokes, throwing his cards on the table. “I’m done. Time to call it a night, I have a very early start tomorrow.” He stands up and stretches, then leans down and whispers in Maria’s ear. She blushes, smiles at us and then stands and says her goodnites.
“They’re still stupidly in love,” I point out once they’ve both left the room.
“Disgustingly,” Jamie says.
It’s been two days since my reunion with my dad. Being back in this house has felt…odd. Good, but at the same time, unsettling. On one hand, fostering this new relationship with him has filled a space inside me that sat empty for years. It’s a comfort to know that he wants me around and that he loves me. It’s a feeling I sought out so often from my mother, ignoring that he was offering it to me all along.
But on the other hand, I don’t feel like I fit here - not fully. Not in this place that has Cooper all over it - a house covered in his photos, his belongings still stored in a room, and millions of little memories everywhere I look. It’s not just the house - Cooper never lived here, I did - but the area too. Cooper and I grew up on the other side of the town but it’s the same seafront we visited as kids, the same forest we used to walk through on cool autumn days, wishing we had a dog in tow. Everything about this place is a reminder of Cooper but more so, a reminder that he’s gone.
I know my relationship with Dad and Maria will be fine with the distance between us. It’s Jamie I’m worried about. We haven’t talked about how this thing between us is going to work once I’ve left. The distance isn’t huge but still feels like an ocean apart, and I’m not sure we’re at a place where long distance could work.
You could ask him to come with you. That’s the dominant thought in my mind when I think about leaving, but also the one thing I can’t bring myself to ask him. Can I really ask him to pack up his life and move with me, without knowing for sure that there’s a future for us?
“I think it’s sweet. Gives me hope,” Sage says wistfully, snapping me from my thoughts. She’s holding a wide awake Nova whose blue eyes seem fixed on me even though Sage says she’s too young to focus on objects.
“You’re young, Sage, and a catch. You’ll meet someone who I think is good enough for you and Nova.” That makes Sage glare at Jamie, but he only laughs and carries our empty glasses through to the kitchen.
“Can you hold her for a second? I need to pee,” Sage asks, all but shoving the baby into my arms. My entire body tenses, my back going ramrod straight. I’ve never held a baby and this one is so small and fragile looking. And I don’t think she likes me much.
Sage has left the room before I can protest, and I can hear Jamie in the kitchen, so that leaves me alone with Nova. She starts to grumble, her face scrunching up into little wrinkles before her mouth opens and she lets out a wail.
Sweat breaks out on my neck and I stand up and start swaying from side to side, like I’ve seen Jamie do with her. She quiets some but is still unhappy looking. I try to remember how Jamie holds her, and turn her so her head is near my shoulder. One hand supports her neck while the other holds the rest of her against me. Then I bounce on my heels and sing Twinkle Twinkle Little Star under my breath, looking at the door to make sure no one else is listening. I don’t know all the words so I improvise, and soon enough, Nova has stopped grunting and wiggling.
“You’re very scary for something so small,” I say, but she makes no noise in response. I’m not sure how you communicate with babies. She seemed to like my song but I’ve run out of verses and don’t know any others.
I decide to make conversation with her instead. “What are your thoughts on cats? I don’t think Ford will like you, he's too territorial. Cooper would have loved you - he really liked kids. Was good with them too, not like me. I’m not good with people of any age, really.” Nova grumbles when I stop moving so I bounce on my heels again. “Cooper loved the stars, and that’s what you are, a bright little star.”
“Fuck, this is adorable,” Jamie says as he enters the room then promptly takes his phone out of his pocket and snaps a photo of me and Nova.
“Sage said she had to pee, but she’s been ages,” I say quietly, so as not to disturb the baby.
“Sage is in the kitchen eating chocolate cake,” Jamie muses, before he bursts out laughing at the scowl on my face. “I like this look on you.” He comes closer, his smile wide as he brushes the hair off my forehead. “Let me take you out tonight.”
“You want that? Like an actual date?”
Jamie traces my lip with his forefinger. It’s very distracting. “I don’t just want to fuck you, Caiden. We do plenty of that. Tonight I want to take you out. I want us to talk, dance and laugh and then maybe fuck.”
“Should you be swearing in front of the baby?” I ask, my cheeks burning with heat.
“Don’t change the subject.”
I swallow thickly, feeling a flutter of excitement in my chest. “I’d like that.”