Chapter 13 #2
Adriel's blood went cold.
For a moment, neither of them moved. Landen stood still, eyes glued to Adriel's, his face blank.
Unreadable. He looked disheveled in a way Adriel had never seen him.
His hair was a mess, blond strands falling across his forehead like he'd been running his hands through it.
His shirt was wrinkled, the top button undone, the collar askew.
Then he moved.
He stepped past Adriel into the apartment. No question. No hello. No waiting for permission, as he walked into the living room.
It was small. Everything in the apartment was small; two bedrooms, a bathroom, a kitchen that opened into the living area. Landen filled it differently than Adriel did. Made it smaller just by being in it. He stood in the center of the room and looked around.
Adriel watched him. Watched him take in the clutter.
Jenna's books piled on the coffee table, the ones she was always meaning to return to the library.
Her sketches pinned to the fridge with magnets, messy and bright.
The throw blanket draped over the couch, the one they'd had since college.
The dishes in the drying rack. The shoes by the door.
Landen's gaze moved slowly. Taking it in. Weighing it.
Judging it.
Adriel felt naked.
It was a stupid thing to feel. There was nothing private here, nothing embarrassing, nothing he needed to hide.
But Landen was looking at his life, his space, the small ordinary evidence of who he was, and Adriel couldn't breathe.
Couldn't move. Couldn't do anything but stand there by the open door and wait for whatever came next.
He hated it.
Hated the way Landen's presence filled the room. Hated the way his own body had gone still and useless. Hated the vulnerability of this, of being seen here, of having nowhere to hide.
He said nothing. His throat wouldn’t work. The words were there, somewhere, but they wouldn't come. Wouldn't form. Wouldn't push past the panic that had lodged itself in his chest the moment he'd opened the door.
Landen finally turned to him.
Those eyes. Those damn eyes. They pinned Adriel to where he stood, still frozen by the open door, still clutching the handle like it was the only thing keeping him upright.
"You don't look sick," Landen said. A pause. "You okay?"
Adriel swallowed. His throat made a sound, dry and audible in the quiet. He glanced away, anywhere but those eyes.
"Yeah," he managed. "I am much better… Must have ate something funny."
The words came out mumbled. Stupid. He heard them the moment they left his mouth and wanted to pull them back, stuff them back down where they came from.
And now Landen was picturing it. Had to be. Adriel, leaned over the toilet, sick, disgusting, everything unappealing about him made worse by the image his own words had painted.
His cheeks heated. He could feel the burn of it spreading, knew he was turning pink, knew there was nothing he could do to stop it.
Landen said nothing for a moment.
Adriel stared at the floor. At the crack in the linoleum by the door. At his own bare feet. At anything but the man standing in his living room.
Then footsteps.
He glanced up without meaning to.
Landen was very close now. Close enough that Adriel could feel the warmth of him again. Close enough that his body remembered, immediately, traitorously, what it had felt like to be this close before.
"Bullshit," Landen said. "How about you tell me the truth, Adriel?"
Adriel's hands were shaking. He could feel them, could feel the tremor running through his fingers, could do nothing to stop it. He shook his head. Looked away again.
"I… just…" His throat was dry. He swallowed, tried again. "Why?"
"Why what?" Landen's voice was low. Close.
So close.
Adriel shivered. He couldn't help it. Couldn't hide it. The sound of that voice, the proximity of that body, the memory of what had happened the last time they were this near; it all crashed into him at once.
"Why did you do it?" he asked. The words came out smaller than he wanted. Thinner. Like a child’s. "Why did you kiss me?"
He stopped. Cut himself off before he could say more. Before he could blurt out the thing that was sitting in his chest, heavy and hot and shameful.
Was it to make fun of me?
Was it a joke?
He didn't say any of it. Couldn't. The shame was already enough, burning in his cheeks, tightening his throat, making his eyes sting with tears he refused to let fall.
Then Landen's fingers were on his chin. Light. Barely there. But firm enough to guide, to urge, to turn his face back toward him.
Adriel's breath caught.
"Because I wanted to," Landen said. His voice was low like a whisper.
Adriel blinked and a small frown appeared between his brows.
"Why?" he blurted out.
Landen was quiet for a while.
He looked at Adriel for a long moment. So intently, so carefully, like he was trying to read his mind. Like he was searching for something.
Then something flickered in his eyes.
"You don't see it, do you?" he asked.
Adriel just looked at him, unsure what to say. Unsure what it was. Unsure of anything except the warmth of Landen's fingers still on his chin, the way the air between them had gone thin and charged.
See what? He thought about asking. The words were right there, on his tongue, ready. But before he could speak them, before he could form the question, before he could do anything at all…
Landen's lips were on his again.
Soft at first. A pressure so light Adriel might have imagined it, might have dreamed it, might have conjured it from the wanting that had lived in him for months.
Then Landen's hand tightened on his chin and his mind went blank. Everything fell away. The cold air seeping in. The hours of panic, the tears, the spiraling. All of it just… gone.
His body started shaking.
A fine tremor ran through him, head to toe, as if every nerve had woken up at once and didn't know what to do with the input. His hands hung at his sides, useless. His eyes had fluttered closed without him telling them to.
Landen made a sound at the back of his throat and.shifted closer.
His other hand came up, found Adriel's jaw, cradled it, holding him like he was something precious, something fragile, something worth being careful with.
Adriel's breath hitched. And then something in him let go. It was like a string snapping. His body went slack.
A sound slipped out of his throat. Small. Broken. A moan he hadn't known was coming, hadn't been able to stop, hadn't even recognized as his own until it was already gone.
Landen swallowed it. His mouth opened over Adriel's, his tongue pushing past his lips, and the kiss deepened. Became something more. Became heat and want and the taste of him, clean and faintly familiar, finally here, finally his.
Adriel made another sound. Higher this time. He didn't care. Couldn't care. His hands finally moved, coming up to grip Landen's shirt, fist in the wrinkled fabric, holding on like he might fall if he let go.
Landen kissed him deeper.
Slow but not gentle anymore. There was hunger underneath it now, something barely controlled. His tongue slid against Adriel's, explored his mouth, tasted him like he was memorizing the shape of him.
Adriel's knees went weak. He felt it happen, felt them buckle slightly, felt his body start to give. Landen caught him. One hand slid from his jaw to the back of his neck, holding him up. The other dropped to his waist, fingers spreading over his hip, gripping like he wanted to hold on forever.
Adriel kissed him back.
Harder now. Desperate. His hands fisting tighter in Landen's shirt, pulling him closer.
Landen groaned against his mouth. The sound vibrated through Adriel, low and warm, settled somewhere deep in his chest. He wanted to hear it again. Wanted to be the reason for it. Wanted to pull more of those sounds out of him, wanted to know what else he could make Landen feel.
Landen started walking him backward.
Slow at first. A step. Then another. Adriel went easily, trustingly, let himself be moved. His back hit the front door harder than he expected; a thud that ran through him, that made him gasp against Landen's mouth.
The door slammed shut.