Chapter 18 Brodan
brODAN
It was official.
I was a selfish fucking prick.
The words on the page of my book blurred every five seconds.
Monroe.
I couldn’t get the woman out of my head.
Her breathy moans, the scent of her perfume, the feel of her tight and throbbing and hot around me.
Then the look on her face at the words even I couldn’t believe had come out of my mouth.
Betrayal.
I’d never seen her wear that brittle expression before. Like every warm feeling she’d ever had for me died with just a few words.
All because I’d been scared shitless of what I felt as I moved inside her.
Like I was finally home.
That was terrifying, so I’d lashed out.
I wasn’t even angry about her sleeping with Arran anymore. I’d let go of that years ago. It was what came after that had wrecked me. Because Monroe Sinclair had abandoned me when so much shit was going on in my life, proving what I’d always feared.
The Adair men were cursed to lose the women they loved.
But every time I punished her for breaking me, I hated myself a little more.
I had to forgive Monroe or leave her behind for good.
This morning I’d taken another of Ery’s yoga and mindfulness classes, but even that didn’t help. Ery had watched me, concern wrinkling her brow, and I hurried from the class as soon as she called its end.
At the knock on my suite door, I dropped my book onto the bed and crossed the room to answer it.
“Lachlan?” I stared at my eldest brother, his eyes bloodshot with exhaustion. “Come in.”
He gave me a closed-mouth smile and patted me on the shoulder as he passed. Closing the door, I turned as he took in the suite that used to be his.
“Feeling nostalgic?” I teased.
Lachlan threw a smirk over his shoulder as he moved about the room. “Only for the times Robyn and I shared in here without interruption.”
Grinning, I sat down on the edge of the bed as he lowered himself into an armchair. “No sex for the new parents, then?”
He scrubbed a hand down his face. “We’re honestly too exhausted.”
Sympathetic, I assured, “I’ve heard it passes. Things will get easier.”
Lachlan nodded. “I know. And believe it or not, it is worth it.”
Aye, I was beginning to think maybe it was. “What brings you here, then?”
“I was checking in with Aria and Mac. Everything looks good, though.”
Remembering my curiosity over Walker’s admirer, whom I’d since seen around the castle, I said, “You’ve got a new housekeeper. Sloane. American.”
He frowned. “My staff are off-limits, Brodan.”
Annoyed, I held up my hands defensively. “Not interested like that. She just … I was curious because she’s American and I think she has a thing for Walk.”
His frown deepened. “She was a hire of Aria’s. Some connection to the family, so I agreed to house her and her daughter in one of the lodges on Loch Ardnoch.”
“A connection to the Howards?” I raised an eyebrow.
Shrugging, Lachlan sighed. “I trust Wesley and, by default, Aria, so I’m not seeking answers to information they haven’t provided themselves. Aria is doing an excellent job as hospitality manager and making my life easier, so this is the least I can do. Fuck, I’m so tired.”
I gave my brother a piercing look. “You sure marriage and fatherhood are worth it?”
Lachlan sat forward in his seat, elbows to his knees. “Are you asking for a specific reason?”
Taking a breath, I opened a topic of conversation neither of us probably wanted to dive into.
But I needed to. For Monroe’s sake. “Arran told me you both got drunk at the anniversary ceilidh this year. You got blootered because you feared something happening to Robyn during childbirth … because of Mum.”
My eldest brother’s scowl deepened. “That’s true. Why do you mention it?”
Heart racing now, I exhaled slowly. I never wanted anyone to see me as the coward I saw myself as, but I had a feeling Monroe already did, so I supposed it didn’t matter if Lachlan thought so too.
“I’m … uh … I’m a-afraid to get close to anyone.
To a woman. I … I think that you’re right. That we’re cursed.”
Lachlan gave me a grim nod of understanding. “To lose the women we love. You know I used to think the same. And I gave Robyn a hellish time because of it. I’m lucky she forgave me and took me back.”
Blood rushed in my ears as I leaned toward my brother. I’d known that Lachlan had felt that way, and that Thane had felt so the opposite he’d gotten a tattoo that meant ‘cursebreaker’ on his shoulder. Thane’s sense of control over life was just another reason I envied the bastard.
However, to admit my fears out loud to Lachlan—to know he truly understood something I’d kept bottled up inside for so long—was such a relief. “How did you get rid of it? The fear?”
My brother gave me a bolstering look. “You don’t get rid of it, Brodan.
It lives inside you all the time … But for the sake of the woman I love, I overcome it.
Every day. I remind myself that a moment with Robyn is worth any pain I risk in the future.
I slipped a bit when she was pregnant, but I had to get over that, too, because she needed me to be strong.
She has her own fears, and I have to be the one who makes her feel safe.
I have to put her well-being before my demons.
Loving someone is to be selfless, Brodan. ”
Emotion clogged my throat, and I dropped my head.
Every shitty, selfish fucking thing I’d said to Monroe bounced around in my mind. “What if you’ve hurt the person you love? Damaged them. Can you come back from that?”
Lachlan was silent for a few seconds and then asked, “Is this about Monroe?”
My head came up, meeting his gaze. He flinched at whatever he saw in it.
“You’d be fucking ashamed of me, brother, if you knew half of what I’ve done to her to push her away.”
“Do you love her?”
“She left me. She abandoned me.”
“Do you love her enough to forgive her?”
Hot tears burned in my eyes. Embarrassed, I looked away.
“Brodan?”
I nodded, unable to speak as I forced down the tears.
“Do you love her enough to be selfless?”
I nodded again.
“Then you need to fix whatever is broken between you. You need to make amends, and her amends might follow.”
Swallowing the lump, I asked, voice hoarse, “Is that how you got Robyn back?”
Lachlan nodded, a glint of humor in his eyes. “That, and a fuck ton of groveling.”
My nose wrinkled at the thought. “Seriously? Groveling?”
Laughing at my expression, Lachlan stood and pointed at me. “Just you wait. She’ll have you on your hands and knees, begging for her, before the year is out.”
“I think I’ve got more pride than that.”
“Fine. But unless you flush that pride down the toilet in the name of the woman you love, you’ll have to make do with pride being the only thing in your bed to keep you warm at night.”
I nodded, feeling like I was about to wade into a battle I might not win. Panic flickered through me. “Right. Say goodbye to my pride. Got it.”
The very thought made me restless inside my bones. I muttered a curse under my breath and stood up. “I think I need a run.”
“Robyn runs, too, when she needs to sort out her head.”
“You’re obsessed with that woman.” Maybe giving into love was a terrible idea after all.
“Tell me,” Lachlan drawled mockingly, “when was the last time you didn’t think about Monroe Sinclair?”
Fuck.
I glowered at him. “Point taken.”