Chapter 19 Monroe
MONROE
It had been two days since Brodan metaphorically gutted me. School was a much-needed distraction. But in the hours before and after class, the memory of him tormented me.
Coming home had been a huge mistake. I couldn’t wait for the school year to pass so I could get the hell out of there.
Another distraction came in the form of Mum. On top of her hip issues, she’d developed osteoarthritis. She had an appointment with a specialist, so I’d taken the day off school to drive her to and from Inverness.
It was around one o’clock by the time we returned to her cottage. She’d been quiet and docile the entire morning, a reprieve from her acerbic tongue. In fact, it made me brave enough to bring up my dad again in the hopes of getting some answers this time.
I finished making tea in the small kitchen and took a cup and some biscuits to Mum, who sat at the dining table.
Sucking in a breath, I decided to say it before I lost my nerve. “I’m going to track down Dad. Arro says Mac could find him.” It was true. We’d had coffee again last week, and when I’d told Arro about my father, she’d offered Mac’s expertise.
Mum froze for a second, holding the cup in midair before her lips pinched tightly together.
Trying not to heave a sigh of exasperation, I walked into her small kitchen to wash the dishes she’d let pile up last night.
“Why?”
I glanced over my shoulder at the sharp word. “What?”
“Why would you want to find that auld bastard?” Venom tinged every word.
So much for her docile mood.
This woman had treated me like crap my entire life because of Dad’s abandonment, but she hated him just as much as she resented me. “To make peace.”
Mum gave a snort of disdain. “Well, it’s too late for that.”
“It’s never too late.” At the hard glint in her eyes, my stomach dropped. “What is it?”
“He’s dead.”
My heart missed a beat in fear. “What are you talking about?”
Taking a casual sip of her tea, she waited to reply calmly, “He called me about six years ago to tell me he was dying of cancer and wanted to get in touch with you. I told him he could rot in hell.” She took another sip of her tea like she’d just told me Morag’s was out of fresh bread.
I wanted to slap that cup out of her hand.
My skin felt suddenly cold. “You’re lying.”
Mum’s eyes flashed in rage. “Why would I lie? Look up his death in the registry. He died rotting from the inside out, just as he should have.”
No.
No, no, no.
“He wanted to talk to me?”
She shrugged. “Said he wanted to see how you were doing. Said he had things to say. I told him he was getting nowhere near you after he abandoned us.”
Had things to say?
Had Dad wanted to apologize?
To make peace?
To give me peace?
To give himself peace?
And she’d stolen that from us.
Tears of fury brimmed over my lids. “Tell me you’re lying.”
Her eyes widened. “Och, don’t give me that after everything that man did. I was protecting you.”
I laughed in disbelief, and it was such an awful sound, even she flinched. “You’ve never protected me in your entire life. You did this out of spite. You never told me my dad was dead. For six years!”
“He was never a father to you!”
“No, he wasn’t. But maybe we could have talked.” A sob burst out of me, a wail that didn’t sound like me at all. “We could have made peace.”
She scoffed. “You’re living in a dream if you think that would have happened. Look at you. Melodramatic girl.”
“You know, you’ve always been a shitty mum, but you’re also just a terrible, horrible human being!”
“How dare you speak to me like that! And over that man!”
“That man broke me in so many ways, Mum … and I needed that last talk with him. I needed that. I needed to forgive him. And you stole that from me!”
“Some people aren’t worth forgiving,” she hissed.
In an instant, something snapped inside. A calm came over me as I grabbed my purse and keys and stood over her to lean in and hiss back, “You remember you said that.”
I turned and strode for the door.
“Where are you going? I need help with my tea.”
I stopped and looked back at her. “Help yourself. I won’t be back.”
“Monroe!” she yelled as I marched out of the room toward the front door. “Monroe!”
I yanked it open.
“You selfish, ungrateful wee bitch!”
Closing my emotions to her screaming, I slammed her door and got into my car.
Every muscle in my body ached as I forced myself to remain in control. I drove from her house to the caravan, parked, and stepped out to feel a blustery, icy breeze sweeping up the sand dunes from the water.
I pushed into it, eager for its swift caresses through my hair as I stumbled down the dunes and onto the beach. My strides were quick as I walked across the sand toward the shore. As if the universe knew I needed the solace, there was no one else here.
My feet hit the shoreline, the water soaking my boots as all the emotion I’d pushed down boiled up inside me. My chest heaved, my shoulders lifting as I struggled to breathe through the magnitude of it.
A scream tore from my lungs, turning into a sob as my knees gave way and I hit the wet sand. Pain so old and deep had finally ripped its way out, and I couldn’t have stopped my body’s wracking cries if I tried.
“Roe!” I heard the voice like a memory in my mind and ignored it.
“Roe!” It sounded louder now.
Then I jolted as strong arms wound around me, and my chin was forced upward.
Brodan.
“Roe, what the hell happened?”
I couldn’t speak, couldn’t think. Just collapsed against him as the sobs spilled out from that corner of my heart I’d locked up for so long.
His arms tightened around me, and I felt his chin on my head. “Fuck, Sunset, you’re scaring the hell out of me.” When my crying didn’t ease, he squeezed me tight. “I’m here, Roe. I’ve got you. Shh, it’s okay. I’ve got you.”
I didn’t know how much time passed in Brodan’s arms on the cold beach, but eventually my sobs eased, even as the pain circled my ribs like the past was holding on far too tightly.
Then realization sunk in.
Who was comforting me.
Someone I did not want or need comfort from ever again.
I shoved Brodan away and stumbled to my feet as he fell on his arse in surprise. He gaped up at me, looking so much like the young boy I used to love that I felt my heart breaking all over again.
“Sunset?”
I flinched at the nickname. “Don’t,” I seethed. “Don’t you dare.”
“Roe …” Brodan got to his feet, towering over me again. He wore nothing but a T-shirt and joggers, the T-shirt stretching over his impressive shoulders, making me feel small in his shadow. “What happened?”
“Nothing.”
“Is it …” Something like fear flickered across his face. “Is this about us?”
I scoffed, “No. It has nothing to do with you. When you left on Sunday night, I showered and scrubbed my body until my skin was raw.”
He winced.
“And vowed to never give a damn about you again. So … this has nothing to do with you, and I definitely don’t need you, of all people, comforting me right now.” I turned to leave, but then Brodan was in front of me. He held up his hands in a gesture to stop me.
“Please. Roe, let’s talk. I have so much to say.”
“I think you made yourself very clear. It was a revenge fuck, right?”
Horror slackened his expression, and I faltered a little.
“No,” he said hoarsely, taking a step toward me, but he stopped when I retreated.
“No, it wasn’t that. I don’t know why I said that to you, and I’m not even angry about you sleeping with Arran.
I know you were both wasted that night …
it was what came after. You abandoned me, Monroe. That’s what I’m angry about.”
Disbelief renewed the rage I had only seconds ago been determined not to feel toward him.
“I abandoned you?” I stared at him incredulously.
“I was humiliated, and you made me feel guilty, as if I’d cheated on you when you’d made it perfectly clear that you were in a serious relationship with someone else.
A relationship, I might add, you told me you’d never be in, which was a lie.
You just didn’t want to be in a relationship with me!
“You messed with my emotions for years. But I was made to feel like the bad guy. And you never came after me. You threw me away at my first mistake after thirteen years of friendship. You were the one who was supposed to come after me. But you didn’t.
You were all I had. I wasn’t all you had.
” Tears, stupid, frustrating tears, stung my eyes.
“You weren’t the one who was abandoned, Brodan. ”
He opened his mouth to argue, but I cut him off.
“I was so in love with you, it almost killed me.”
Despair, genuine or manufactured, tightened his expression.
I sneered at myself. “I even thought of ending it once.”
Brodan looked as if I’d stuck a knife in him. “Roe.”
“Don’t worry. It was just the melodramatic musings of a young woman who realized that almost everyone I’d ever loved couldn’t love me back.
I wanted to blame myself, which was why I contemplated jumping off the top of a college building.
But as I stood there on the edge, I searched and searched for reasons, for actions so horrible they’d make the people I loved treat me like shit, and I couldn’t find anything that warranted the cruelty.
I was mad at my parents for not loving me, but I wasn’t mad at you for not loving me the way I wanted.
I was mad at you for messing with my head and for just not loving me, even as a friend.
“But I know I’m not a bad person. That I’m worth something.
That the fault laid with my parents and with you.
So I decided in that moment to step back from the ledge and promised myself that even if it took a lifetime, I wouldn’t let bitterness consume me.
I wouldn’t stop searching until I found someone who loved me the way everyone deserves to be loved. Someone kind and protective and loving.
“Here’s the sad thing, and this might even make you laugh at the absurdity of it, but I don’t think I realized until these last few months that part of me still hoped that person could be you.
And this occurred to me because I finally realized on Sunday night that the person I’m looking for will never be you. ”
Tears brightened Brodan’s eyes. Real? Who knew?
Everything I’d bottled up inside was set free. Recklessly free. “I had an ex, someone I tried to love. He beat the shit out of me, just like Dad.”
Shock, fury, passed over his face. Was that real too?
“What is it about me that makes the people who are supposed to love me want to hurt me?”
“Monroe,” he whispered, as if in agony. “I’m so sorry.”
I shrugged, brittle, cold, almost numb from what had transpired. That Dad was gone and I’d never get closure with him. That Mum had stolen that from me. That the only man I’d ever loved my whole fucking life was as bitter a disappointment as the people who raised me.
“You never lifted your hands to me, but I’m your punching bag all the same.”
“Monroe, no—” He stepped toward me, but I raised my hands, my expression a stark warning for him to stay back.
“It doesn’t matter. I’m leaving Ardnoch.
For good. Once the year is up, I’m taking a job in the Lowlands.
There’s too much pain here.” I looked at him, gesturing between us.
“Even this place that was once so safe … it’s all pain now.
You have no idea how it feels to live your life with no one who truly loves you, Brodan.
No idea how lonely that is. But I refuse to give up on finding someone.
To give up hope, because without it, what’s the point?
So I need to let this place go. I need to let you go. Or I’m afraid I’ll just disappear.”
Sobbing, I turned my back on him and on the years spent and lost between us.