18. Crash
Chapter eighteen
Crash
NOAH
Ilaid on top of my bed, the covers unrolled because of the room’s temperature. Sweat trickled off my face. I didn’t feel like I was in my body anymore. I was dead.
Or close to it.
I was burning alive from the inside, even though the temperature in the room was a constant seventy degrees.
A thirst crept into my throat, an itch that begged to be quenched.
I shakily grasped the bottle of water near my bedside table, chugging down the liquid faster than my body would allow.
I gagged, vomiting the fluid back up and onto the floor.
I sucked air in through my nostrils. My fingers drummed to an unknown beat.
Despite my intense search of the room, I knew I wouldn’t be able to find what my body craved. I’d have to seek it out elsewhere.
How many days had it been? Only two? Three?
I couldn’t even keep track anymore.
I longed to be high, floating and falling through my problems, instant pleasure and lifetime regret simultaneously bringing me to ecstasy.
Inhale.
Exhale.
Where was it?
Gone.
I made an effort to calm my senses and go to sleep, but it was impossible.
Although I was exhausted, my body seemed wired, electricity coursing through my blood to the point where I couldn’t sit still.
I had to get up. I paced the room. My brain was speaking to me in a language only I could comprehend.
I was slowly dying, this much was certain.
With each minute my panic set in deeper, and air was rapidly leaving the room.
Soon, I wouldn’t be able to breathe at all.
You need some.
I stood from my bed, sweat pooled underneath my underarms and along my throat. I wiped it vigorously.
Now.
Go and get some.
You cannot survive without it.
The darkness of the hallway consumed me as I opened the door to my room. My father’s laughter existed there, returning to my ears. For a moment, I was frozen in place, unable to proceed forward.
Inhale.
Exhale.
Did you feel that?
It hurt so badly. My chest was cramping. My stomach lurched again, but I held down the vomit this time.
Your pain is returning.
I took one shaky step into the abyss.
Don’t you want to lose yourself? It feels so good, doesn’t it? Remember how nice that first hit feels? A little bump maybe? Something light.
Six more steps. I glided down the stairs. I could tell from the open window that it was dark outside, late. This wouldn’t be a problem, I was sure.
You know where to go.
The front door was finally in my line of sight, and I reached for it, only to have my hand caught in mid-air by Damian.
“And where do you think you’re going?” he questioned.
I could feel my body spasming, the muscles radiating tight little “fuck yous” up my arms and legs. “I have to get out of this house. I’ll be right back.”
“Where, Noah?”
“Mind your own business,” I snapped, growing increasingly irate at the ticking of the large clock hanging in the living area above us. “It’s too fucking hot in this damn house.”
No more time.
Tick, tick, tick.
Damian stepped in front of me, his eyes dangerously glinting. “You’re not going anywhere,” he whispered calmly.
I took hold of Damian’s shoulders and yanked him forward, desperate to make him understand.
“Do you not s-see what k-kind of state I’m in?
” I couldn’t see anything anymore. Only the door.
The door was the goal. Behind it was the glory.
Open. Open the door. “I have to get something, Damian. You threw it all away.”
Get out.
“What happened to quitting?” Damian asked, his tone hard as stone.
“Easier said than done. Move.”
Damian shook his head, refusing. “I can’t let you, Noah. You’re delusional and upset. I can’t let you go to buy more drugs.”
Fucking move him out of the way yourself.
I punched him in the chest and plowed passed him to the door. I had the handle in my grasp when I was seized from behind by a set of arms, which embraced me tightly in a bear hug.
I cocked my head back to see Damian wheezing and clutching his chest. The man holding me down was someone I trusted with my life. His blond streaks were a dead giveaway, though his steady smile that was usually fixed on his face was gone.
“Alex!” I screamed. “Get off of me! What are you doing?”
I was pushed down to my knees, my already limited strength dwindling from the power and force Alex was using to keep me down.
I looked from Damian to the man I thought was my best friend.
“You son of a bitch,” I spat out. “Why the fuck are you here, huh?”
I already knew the answer.
My so-called best friend did not meet my eyes, guilt filling his voice and expression. “It’s for your own good, Noah.”
“Fuck that! How many times do I tell you people?”
I’m not a child.
“I can take care of myself!” I thrashed but it was futile.
Let me go.
My hands shook without my consent, the absence of chemicals causing my whole body to tremble. I was being attacked from the inside out. My body desired its fill, and I couldn’t provide it.
“LOOK AT ME!” I screamed.
Drugs can fix this. Just a little is all you need to feel better.
“I can fix this.”
“What are you doing to yourself?”
The drugs were always meant to be a simple repair, not permanent. Meant to hold me over until the next fix.
And then the next.
Before I could blink, Damian was in my face, a glass of water in one hand, two pills in another.
“Open, Noah,” he commanded.
I tried to squirm away, but the hold was too strong. I clamped my mouth closed and shut my whole body down, not moving a single muscle. I sunk inwardly into myself.
“You’re having a bad withdrawal, Noah.” Alex’s voice was unsteady, his eyes brimming with tears. “You have to take this medication. It will help, I promise.”
I shook my head furiously. I knew what I needed, and it wasn’t medication for my problems. What did they think I was, some sort of psychotic patient? Nothing that Damian or Alex could give me would fix me.
They’re trying to hurt you. They have no idea what you go through.
“Noah, trust me. Don’t listen to anything else,” Damian murmured soothingly, sensing my distress.
I could feel my heart pounding hard in my stomach, a piercing ringing cutting into my eardrums. My shirt was soaked with sweat, and the room combined with Alex’s arms had my body exploding with heat.
My brain was a busted GPS, pointing me in multiple directions, assessing escape routes and plans.
I hadn’t moved an inch, but I felt lightheaded.
Alex was no longer holding me down but kneeling to my side, whispering something into my ear.
I couldn’t hear it.
“You’re going to hurt me,” I sobbed out.
What was happening?
I was suddenly terrified of what my body was capable of.
I clung to myself, determined to end the now periodic shakes and spasms. Where was I?
“Swallow it, Noah.”
The pills were in my mouth and the glass tilted to my lips. I did as I was told.
You need it.
Soon, the ache for drugs was dying down along with my ability to stay awake. I was lifted from the ground, each one of my arms slung over a different shoulder. Damian and Alex steadied me as they worked together to lead me back to my bedroom.
I collapsed into the sheets, the heat not such a problem anymore. Instead, I almost felt cold.
“I’m sorry, I’m sorry.” I remembered repeating as Damian situated me in the bed.
“It’s alright, Noah,” Damian said.
“Get some rest,” Alex’s voice added. I wasn’t sure where he was.
The light switch flipped off, and for the first time I didn’t notice, or care that I was engulfed in the blackness. The dark seemed pitiful now, compared to the feelings I experienced just moments ago.
I was sure I was about to die.
But then again...
...that wasn’t the first time when death hovered over me.
And it wouldn’t be the last.