19. Delirium
Chapter nineteen
Delirium
NOAH
“Come here, Noah.”
I came, afraid of the power my father held.
I was obedient during that time of my childhood.
I hadn’t understood the rape of my mother when I was seven, but knew deep in my heart that David terrified me.
I tried desperately all of those years to push away the thoughts of my mother screaming for help, and the pain she endured.
“Yes, father?”
David patted the empty spot on his bed. “Come, sit with me, son.”
I sat next to him, curling up underneath his strong arm.
Times had been worse.
David sighed, looking down at me with a strange intensity. I didn’t know what that emotion was called at the time.
“You’re a big boy now, aren’t you?” David asked, stroking my arm. I nodded, glad that my father was actually showing me some attention. “How old are you?”
“Nine.”
That interaction was different than normal.
Usually, I was just cast aside and ignored by both Damian and David.
Typically, all of the time David spent outside of work was with Damian, so one on one with me was few and far between.
The extended family always called me a little burden.
I was always in the way. A virus infiltrating the blueprints to Damian’s future life plans.
For extended periods of time, we were forbidden from seeing one another.
David would tell me I distracted him from his duties.
It would be a miracle if I got to see either of them on a regular basis.
They would tell me things like, “Damian has work to do, Noah,” or, “Your mother cannot play with you now, Noah, she and your father are helping Damian.”
And by “they” I meant the nannies my father would hire to keep me company. I had no one else—only the older females that would come over every day, each one for a different day of the week so I wouldn’t get bored. I was not allowed to have any male nannies or friends.
I soon found out why.
“What a big boy,” David whispered. “You have grown so much.”
A warm pressure of his hand on my stomach slipped lower. “Take off your pants, Noah.”
I fidgeted underneath his grip.
“Please, no!”
I could barely breathe through the pain.
“That’s right. Only I can do this to you, Noah.”
“You’re hurting me!” I screamed but no one would hear me. I knew people were home. I knew Damian had to be just a few rooms over. I was sure of it. Where was my big brother when I needed him?
Wouldn’t anyone help?
“Be a man, Noah. I know you like it.”
“Father,” I was numb. “Father, p-p-please–” I choked on my own tears. Why wouldn’t he stop?
“Stop, please-”
“Quit your sobbing!”
Each punch hurt worse than the last.
“Daddy loves you, Noah.”
The words never matched the action. I was thrown to the floor. Beaten. Bruised. Torn.
Broken.
Completely and utterly broken.
I thought it was finished. The pain was over. I wondered for the moment if I was going to die there.
David grabbed my hair, pulling me to my knees.
It wasn’t over.
“Suck me,” he hissed.
And by then I certainly wished for death.
It went on for weeks. Maybe a month or more. I couldn’t be sure exactly.
In my mind, there wasn’t a life anymore before the abuse.
“Go on, Noah. Daddy won’t hurt you...”
I cried.
“...not yet...”
David got off at my pain. No matter how he chose to abuse me, he always found a way to make it worse than the previous time. Like cutting me while he raped me. Little slices and nicks to the lower regions of my body.
“Love Marks” he called them.
If I wasn’t being put through enough misery, then the job wasn’t being done right. David thrived on the screams. Especially when I called for help. He knew no one was coming to save me.
Trying to fight him off was futile. I tried and failed so many times. I soon picked up on the fact that I would be hurt worse if I didn’t do as I was told. If I struggled, I would be beaten more. If I cried but submitted, I was praised.
Each time was agony.
And David seemed to enjoy witnessing that.
Damian lurched up from his seat. I turned away, cowering from him.
I shouldn’t have done it.
“Noah...?” His face was flabbergasted.
“I-I-I’m sorry, did… d-did I do it wrong? Please don’t tell father!” I cried, hiding my face with both hands as though I could disappear into the fine lines of my palms.
When the initial shock faded, Damian knelt down to my level, taking me by the shoulders tentatively. “Noah. Why did you touch me there? Who told you to do that?”
I shook my head. “I can’t–”
“Noah,” Damian spoke firmly, the corners of his eyes wet with tears. “You must tell me why you did that.”
I spilt my guts that night. I told Damian everything. Damian was only fifteen at the time.
“Father! He makes me do that to him, so I thought- I thought-” I couldn’t finish. The humiliation was too great.
Damian’s eyes flamed with anger. “What else did father do to you?”
“You get the FUCK out of this house!”
“The boy lies, Heather!”
“Fuck you! I don’t believe you!”
“You won’t have anything if you get rid of me! I will be the end of you and those brats! And you know what? I’ll take Damian with me!”
“You can’t do that!”
“Oh yeah? Who will they believe? I’m Chief of Police, baby. You have nothing on me!”
“Daddy’s going to change, sweetheart,” my mother murmured.
I didn’t believe her.
“And we are going to stick together as a family, and everything is going to be fine, alright?”
I nodded so that she would be happy. I loved my mom. I knew that there was nothing she could do. She was helpless the moment she told that man, “I do.”
We were all doomed under his authority.
“That’s my baby. You sleep now.”
In the dark.
The memories came back.
And I was being touched again.
It hurt.
I screamed.
But no one was listening.
“Noah.” The voice was cold.
“Please don’t hurt me father.”
“I won’t, I’m not.” He sighed, walking closer. “Daddy is never going to touch you again, okay?”
I nodded.
Though I didn’t believe him.
“I made you something,” he growled, his attitude flipping in an instant. A switch. A trigger. Manic. Physically, I could see the snap.
“What have I made you, Noah?”
A freak. I knew I’d never be the same. I knew I could never trust anyone. Ever.
“I don’t know.”
“I made you a man, Noah. You’re a man now. You should be happy.”
I nodded again.
He flicked the light off.
“Father!” I called out. “Please leave the light on.”
Silence.
“P-Please! I don’t like the d-d-dark!”
Darkness made me think of you—a demon crouched in the shadows, sharp teeth bared, waiting.
Hungry.