35. Walking on Razors
Chapter thirty-five
Walking on Razors
NOAH
My head pounded like a dull drum was cramped up inside my mind. With each new beat my jaw clenched, slowly bringing me out of the not-so-peaceful sleep.
I opened my eyes, noticing right away that the room was not familiar.
The smell itself was different, musky with a hint of men’s cologne.
The bed sheets beneath me were made of the same material I was used to, but the texture was one of fine silk.
Too fancy to be a house from someone at that bar, I thought.
I tried to recall the night’s events when I noticed a very important detail of my position.
I was shirtless, with foreign, but comfortable boxers hugging my waist.
I blinked a few times, focusing. Silas sat on the edge of the bed, facing away from me.
His brunette hair cascaded down past the nape of his neck.
He was shirtless, the bareness of his back contrasting with the tail of his dragon tattoo, whose scales circled up and over his left side, running along his shoulder blades.
Crap. Of course I came to Silas.
Well, the question of where I was located was now answered, but there was still a “why” question to be dealt with.
“Did you sleep well?” Silas asked without turning.
He must have felt me moving. I glanced back at my half naked form, knowing that there could only be one reason as to why I was situated like this is his bed.
“Did we have sex?” I asked bluntly, countering his question with another. My legs shifted under the sheets, and I noticed my clothes were lying folded at my feet, looking fresh and clean.
Dammit. I fucked him again, didn’t I?
I was dumbfounded by the whole scenario. Not only was I oblivious of any sexual acts I had with him, but for the life of me I couldn’t remember how the hell I ended up on his doorstep.
Silas chuckled. “Is that all you think about?”
I could feel my cheeks begin to slowly heat. “It’s a legitimate question...”
Silas turned slightly to smirk at me. “Well, to answer your question: No, we did not have sex. Not to say you didn’t beg me to fuck you like five times, but that is another story.”
I scoffed and rubbed my forehead. “Don’t flatter yourself. I doubt I asked five times–”
“Either way, it wasn’t much of a turn on to watch you throw up all over us and my satin rug.”
His words triggered a flashback to a hazy memory. I did remember vomiting, and the more that I thought about it, I wasn’t sure if I had made it to the bathroom.
I gazed back over my own bare chest and the lack of clothing in general. “Is that why my shirt is off?”
“Correct. After a change of clothes and a toothbrush, you were as good as new,” Silas retorted with a snort.
I laughed awkwardly. Shit, that’s embarrassing. I guess I would replace his rug if I had too. “Sorry,” I added earnestly.
Silas turned his back to me again. “Mhm, I know. You’ve said that quite often tonight.”
He grew quiet and we sat there in the mist of nothing.
All I could make out was his hushed breath and the unvarying pulse of my own heart beneath my skin.
No longer able to stand that dreaded silence anymore, I pushed back the sheets, wordlessly crawling over to where Silas sat.
I laid my head on his shoulder, gazing up at him, trying to read his expressions.
I didn’t want it to be weird between us.
“Can you forgive me?” I whispered into his ear.
Silas shivered, making me smirk.
“What are you asking forgiveness for? The rug?” Silas questioned sarcastically, turning his head towards me.
“Nah, forget your ugly ass rug.”
He glowered at me, and I chuckled, raising my hands up in defeat. “No, honestly. Forgiveness because…I’ve asked so much of you.”
“Is that so?”
I closed my eyes, fidgeting. It was difficult for me to be serious about certain topics and express gratitude towards people trying to help me.
I knew Silas wanted to fix my problems. He was still upset with me for asking him to keep the details of my assault a secret.
I wanted him to act as if it had never happened, but he didn’t want to do that.
He was hell bent on retribution, while I just wanted to move forward and forget.
We clashed like oil and water, and this frightened me more than he could ever know.
I was so nervous that I couldn’t even hold a meaningful discussion with him without coming across as joking.
If I tried hard enough, I felt as though my issues and pain were gone along with my last breath. Each inhale was a cleansing, each exhale a reminder that I would have to do it all again just to survive. I just wanted to be fucking normal. To feel normal.
“Sometimes, I feel like I just want to evaporate,” I confessed.
Silas inched closer to me, knocking his head against mine lightly. We stayed there.
“You’re not going anywhere, Noah.”
How could he be so sure?
“Hm. Are you?”
“No.”
The quiet crept back like a snake, eating away at me. This time, though, it was more of a serene stillness, because I wasn’t by myself. I liked feeling Silas’s gentle breath on my cheeks.
“I am going to ask more of you,” I finally spoke, my voice entering the quiet void.
“Ask,” he breathed.
“I don’t want you to treat me like I’m breakable anymore. I’m already broken.”
“Do you think that matters to me?”
“There is no use trying to salvage shattered glass.”
I am glass.
“Noah, you are far more valuable than glass.”
You can see through me.
“Think so?”
His thumb brushed my lips. “Yes. I know so.”
I can shatter with the simplest of touches.
I pulled away slowly, so as to not ruin the peacefulness.
Without looking at my phone, I could tell it was dawn.
The sun had already risen to its highest point in the sky, claiming its position on the top of the world, and small rays of light trickled in through the window.
I assumed that time was running thin, and if Silas was alone, that wouldn’t last much longer.
I reached for my clothes at the foot of the bed.
I am jagged.
A firm hand clutched tightly onto my arm before my fingers could touch the shirt. I cringed.
“We still have some time before you need to do that...” Silas murmured, squeezing my arm.
“Silas–”
“I want you Noah,” he spoke softly, but firmly, his hands trailing up past my neck to my face. He held me there, at a standstill, forcing me to look into his eyes. “We’re both fucked up so what’s the damn point in trying avoid it?”
I could feel the beads of sweat forming on my brow. The air around us was thick. My throat tightened.
“You’re not avoiding me any longer,” Silas affirmed, “I’m not a patient man Noah, and I’ve had it with your evasiveness.” His grip tightened.
It was happening again. This thing between us was turning into a constant battle of pure sexual desire. If I allowed it to continue, then it was going to continue as something, and I wouldn’t hold back. It wouldn’t just be random meetings to fuck any longer. It would be planned. It would be risky.
And I didn’t know if it would ever stop.
My body didn’t want it to.
But my mind was somewhere else. My mind kept taking me back to all of the people who I knew would be disappointed in me. For so many reasons.
My mom. Damian. Delane? I couldn’t get her out of my head.
“You came to me for a reason, Noah.”
“I don’t know,” I denied on instinct. I knew exactly why I was here. Just as certain as I was of the desire that surged inside of me.
I wanted Silas. I wanted his pain. His pleasure. I wanted him to help me forget everything. He was the only one who I could place an ounce of trust in. He had seen me.
The real me.
The fucked me.
And he still wanted me.
In a world that has degraded me to the point where I felt worthless, that gave me a sense of purpose and strength.
“I do.” Silas answered for me, pulling me in for a harsh kiss.
You will be cut.
“Stay,” he stressed, more stern this time. His lips were on mine once again, his tongue pressing into my mouth. An inner blaze rose from deep in me. I pushed into him desperately, my tongue meeting his every stroke. I wasn’t going anywhere.
We tore away for air, and I locked eyes with him—raw, unspoken truth burning between us. He knew it too, just as fiercely as I did.
Sliced.
I wanted those eyes, I thought. I wanted them to bore into my soul and steal everything. I wanted Silas to take all of the pain, all of the happiness, and leave me empty.
“You’re disgusting. You are nothing.”
I would rather feel nothing than this guilt.
“You’re mine, you obey,” Silas trailed his lips along my ear, refreshing my memory of our previous rule. “And you won’t deny me.”
My cock began to ache at the thought of the pleasure that awaited, but my heart was throbbing with pain. A sinking feeling that I just needed to repress. And I knew how. It would all be okay soon.
You will bleed.
I shoved him on his back, enjoying the little grunt that escaped his mouth and how his fierce presence melted into desperation as I rotated my body on top of his. My hands glided over his muscles. I wanted to watch that dragon tattoo ripple and flex beneath me. I dipped my head low to kiss him.
“It’s yours to take,” I murmured, plunging into our madness.
I had done it. I made it something.
You will bleed.
“Do I have to ask where you were?” Damian asked me the moment I set foot through the front door.
“No,” I answered, heading for the stairs.
I heard his exasperated sigh of frustration from behind me. “What am I going to do with you, Noah?”
I paused.
“Anything you want,” I commented with a shrug, “because I don’t give a shit anymore.”