Chapter 9 River
River
It’s one step forward and two steps back.
Yesterday I was feeling more myself as we shipped out.
Leaving Portsmouth behind, ready to embark on a new adventure.
It’s not the first mid-Atlantic exercise I’ve experienced, but it is the most significant.
Only because I need the rush of work to distract me.
After my chat with Kit, I was ready to block out everything and focus one hundred percent on my job.
And, for the most part, it worked. All morning yesterday I lost myself in routine and manual labour.
I appreciated the feel of my overalls and the grease on my face.
The banter with my fellow engineers. Hell, I didn’t even mind running into Leading Hand Grey.
That was my one foot forward. The two steps back came later in the day.
First at lunchtime when we headed to the mess, only to run into Cleo.
As soon as I saw her my stomach did that thing again.
That uncomfortable twist that I’m starting to hate.
She was bent over her laptop, hair falling forward, completely absorbed.
My mind flooded with the memories of the other night. The insecurity and frustration I felt in the bar bathroom with Tessa. Those two stupid words that haunt me no matter what I do. To add to my misery, Kit went and invited Cleo to a card night in our lounge.
The afternoon was better. Checking the readiness of our missiles took up the bulk of my time. I was feeling a lot more relaxed after my shift and had a nice, hot shower.
Cleo arrived for the card night and we settled in. It was entertaining as hell watching Cheddar get her arse handed to her. I’ve never seen someone so thoroughly beaten. Cheddar’s face when she had to hand over her beloved Wotsits was amazing.
We drank and laughed for hours. Then I offered to walk Cleo back to her cabin at the end of the night.
I reasoned it was my job as her escort to make sure she got back without a problem.
I was lying to myself. Just spending the evening with her in a social group had my body yearning to be close.
That’s right, I used the word yearn! Who the hell am I?
The moment we shared at her door plays in full HD through my mind. She leaned in. I know she did. We could’ve kissed if it wasn’t for the rowdy group who blew the moment out of the water. Cleo said goodnight, and I let her go without a word.
Why? Because I can’t trust my motives with her.
I’ve never met a woman who throws me off balance so much.
Would I be kissing her to prove a point?
It’s clear my ego is bigger than I thought.
I’ve always been confident—cocky, even. But I never thought a few words from one woman could send me into a tailspin.
Kit’s right. Cleo bruised my ego, and now I can’t let it go.
She wouldn’t have been able to batter it with a couple of words if it wasn’t.
I may be a lot of things, but petty isn’t one of them.
I would never use a woman to make a point—we’ll just discount Tessa because I was drunk and my head was a mess.
I was using her, and that’s awful. I’ve never done that before.
Used someone like that. Even my one-night stands are honest—we both know what it is.
But with Tessa, I was in my head, trying to prove something. That’s not fair to her.
It’s not who I am, I swear. I love ’em and leave ’em, remember?
So, until I know my interest in Cleo is beyond that of proving my worth as a lover, I’ll need to take some distance.
Which will prove difficult, considering today is my last day shift.
I’m supposed to go on a string of nights.
The ones Cleo said she’d get me out of. Meaning I’d properly start my role as her guide and therefore spending a lot more of our time together.
Today I’m tasked with doing diagnostics on the comms system. It’s not my favourite job, but it will keep me busy. I think that’s all I can ask for at this point.
Ruby Mitchel joins me in the mess. She’s fairly new to the ship, and very queer. It’s a shame we don’t have a spare bunk in our cabin. She’d be a great addition to our little gay family.
She is also gorgeous as hell. Although I find most women beautiful, just because they’re women. Can’t help it—I’m a simple creature.
Anyway, Ruby is a massive flirt. More than me, which is saying something. We almost hooked up a few months back when we were on shore leave, but Boot got into a bit of trouble and needed our help.
She’d whispered in my ear that night, told me exactly what she wanted me to do to her. Graphic, filthy details that had me ready to drag her to the nearest bunk. Then Boot called, and the moment was gone.
Since that night, Ruby likes to throw saucy winks my way.
Before the night with Cleo, Ruby was the only woman in a while who really caught my attention. But she’s my crewmate and I have rules that so far I haven’t broken. But maybe now’s the time to throw the rules out the window.
I missed out on relieving some stress with Tessa.
Two months without sex is a long friggin’ time to go, and as much as I hate myself for it, I do need to know that I’m better than “fine.” I don’t have much going for me in life.
I’m not super smart or rich, but I’ve always excelled in my job and in the bedroom.
It’s sad, but I need those two things to be true.
Also, Ruby isn’t looking for a girlfriend. She was clear about that. So, maybe we could come to an arrangement. I’ll break my rules for her, and we both have a good time. It’s beneficial for both of us and might just help me move past these last few days.
Ruby places her plate on the table opposite me. She has auburn hair that leans more towards brown. Her eyes are a vibrant blue, and she has a chest that barely fits inside her overalls.
“River, looks like you have me all to yourself today.” Her delivery is smooth like melted chocolate. I know I have the reputation for being a charmer, but damn, Ruby gives me a run for my money.
“Lucky me,” I reply.
Kit and Cheddar are on gun turrets, and Boot is checking the Nav systems. That leaves me with Ruby. Alone.
I lick my lips at the image of her pinned against a wall. Her overalls unzipped, my hand between her thighs, her teeth biting into my shoulder to keep quiet. The thrill of getting caught.
Delicious.
“My my, what’s running through that gorgeous head of yours?” she purrs, leaning over the table.
I’m not stupid enough to act on my Ruby-filled fantasy. Not on shift anyway. So the day passes with checklists and protocols. Plus some major flirting.
I feel great by the end of day and I’m off duty. As is Ruby. Her bunk is a little further down the passageway from mine, and she usually uses a different shower block. However, today I find her in mine.
We’re not alone though. Several other crewmates bustle about, getting dry and dressed. Ruby makes her way to the shower furthest away, wrapped in only a towel.
Checking the room, I make my way over to her, trying to look casual. She slips into the cubicle, which has a curtain for privacy and nothing else.
No one is paying me any attention, so I make a decision. One I might end up regretting if we get caught. But fuck it. I need this. I need to prove to myself that I can still do this. That one woman hasn’t completely derailed me.
There’s a pretty strict no fraternising rule on board, although I know for a fact it’s not adhered to. Hell, I’ve even heard rumours that a few officers are bumping uglies in their off time. As long as there isn’t a power imbalance, the rules are more of a guideline.
Anyway, back to the monumental mistake I’m in the process of making. I place my towel on the closest hook, take one last glance around and then slip into the shower with a smug-looking Ruby.
“Ready to make good on the promises you made?” she whispers.
The promises she’s referring to are the ones I made all those months ago. They ranged from making her scream, to fucking her so hard she wouldn’t be able to walk for a week.
“You can’t scream.” I grin.
There she goes, biting her lip again. “You’ll just have to gag me then, won’t you?”
Jesus, fuck!
Of course, my mind decides to conjure Cleo, just like it did with Tessa.
Not now. Not fucking now.
But there she is, behind my eyelids. That eyebrow raise. That dismissive smile.
But today I’m determined to fuck my way through it. I cannot become celibate because my idiotic mind is latched on to Cleo Carter.
Ruby walks her fingers up my stomach. She’s as delectable as I thought she would be. Those tits are to fucking die for. My hand goes to them on instinct, and I love the way her breath hitches as I palm them, rolling her nipples. The fact we have to be quiet only fuels the intensity of it all.
My libido is so ramped up, any thoughts of Cleo are stripped from my mind. I can only see Ruby and her glistening pussy. Damn, she’s ready for me.
Stepping into her space until our bodies are flush, I reach down and grab her thigh, hooking it over my hip. We haven’t got time for foreplay, and honestly, I’m so horny I couldn’t wait any longer if I tried.
Her arms circle my neck as she draws me in. Her kiss is rough, demanding. My hand palms her for a few seconds before I draw two fingers through her folds. She’s hot and wet. The groan she smothers in my neck has me almost vibrating with want.
Plunging into her, I set a slow and deep rhythm. I want Ruby to feel every inch of my fingers as I drive into her before hooking them. The second I stroke her G-spot, she mewls in my ear. Her hips move with my hand, and before long she’s fucking herself on my fingers.
I feel her tighten and pulse as she fucks my hand faster. I bring my thumb up until it nudges her clit, which sends her over the edge. A sharp pain in my shoulder tells me she’s just bitten me, and fuck, does it feel good.
The second my fingers pull out Ruby drops to her knees. Usually I’m content with giving. It’s what gives me pleasure, but today I’m down with her eating me out. I need an orgasm so strong it melts my mind.
Ruby is no slouch with her tongue. She hits all my buttons with precision, and it doesn’t take long before I’m gripping the back of her head as she inhales me. My other free hand goes to the wall behind her. I need something to keep me steady as she takes me higher and higher.
The orgasm builds from my toes and explodes through my body.
I tilt my head back and succumb to the pleasure of her mouth.
The last thing I see before millions of stars is Cleo.
Not Ruby. Not the woman whose mouth is currently on me.
Cleo. Her eyes, dark and intense, staring at me like she can see right through me.
And then I almost pass out.
Ruby holds me up as I come down. I hope to Christ I didn’t scream out loud. My body feels heavy, and my breath is ragged. She moves in to hold me and I let her.
“Damn, that was worth the wait, Romeo.”
Normally I’d preen at the compliment, and the use of my nickname. But I can’t. It doesn’t feel as good as I thought it would. It doesn’t sound as nice as when Cleo calls me River. Like she did that night.
I’m not saying I’m unsatisfied. The orgasm was fantastic, and I loved fucking Ruby. It’s just…it didn’t do what I thought it would. I thought if I could just get off, just lose myself in someone else, I’d be fine. Back to normal. But I’m not.
It didn’t stop me from visualising Cleo.
I’m fucked. Completely and utterly fucked.
Casting aside my inner turmoil, I lean back and put on a cocky grin. “Not so bad yourself.”
She nips my lip. We shower to get clean before we pop our heads out carefully.
The coast is clear. That is, until we both step out at the same time as Cleo steps into the room.
Of course it’s her. And of course her gaze meets mine before moving to Ruby.
Her expression doesn’t change. No shock, no judgement, no…
anything. Just that small smile. Polite. Distant.
It’s clear what we were doing. Cleo knows what’s just happened.
I suck in a breath and wait. Cleo looks between us for a moment longer before giving me a small smile. She steps into the closest shower and draws the curtain.
Ruby hasn’t noticed anything is wrong. She just gives me a slap on the arse and moves away to dry herself.
My legs feel weak. My skin feels too tight. I can’t move, can’t look away from the curtain Cleo just disappeared behind.
I stand there, feeling like the floor has just been pulled from under my feet. In all my years, I’ve never been ashamed of sleeping with someone. I’m ashamed now. Not because of Ruby. No, she was perfect and clear about what she wanted.
I’m ashamed of myself. Of coming to the image of Cleo. Of using Ruby to get another woman out of my head. Of Cleo catching me post-orgasm. Of the fact I wanted her to look upset that it wasn’t her I was fucking. I wanted her to care. To feel something.
But she just smiled and walked away.
I’m a mess.