Chapter 10 Cleo
Cleo
Well, it seems River is over whatever she was going through last night. And I’m beginning to think I imagined the moment we shared outside my cabin door.
The fact River found another woman to get underneath her doesn’t surprise me, but I thought she had some sort of crew code. As in, she doesn’t fuck her crewmates.
Whatever. My days of worrying about horny sailors are over. I have a job to do. Awkwardly, a job that is supposed to start with an interview with River.
Looks like I need to suck it up and take the high road. Not that it’s my place to do anything else. She owes me nothing, yet I can’t deny there was a millisecond of jealousy which zipped through my chest when I saw River step out of the cubicle with a very good-looking and well-endowed woman.
Today is a new day. I will get the interview with River done and move on. I’ve got a list as long as my arm to get through.
My mission isn’t to just interview the crew, but to live their lives—the best I can without any training, that is. I’ve set up a day in the ship’s galley. I’m a terrible cook, so I hope they don’t expect too much.
WO Benson has agreed to let me join a PT session this afternoon. My fitness level is pretty good for my age, but I’m expecting to be sweating my arse off within a few minutes.
“Cleo!”
I turn from the entrance to the dining hall to find River marching my way. She looks pissed.
“River, hey. Ready to do your interview?”
“We need to talk.”
Her stance is defensive, and her features are cold.
“That’s what generally happens in an interview,” I joke, hoping to dispel some of the tension.
“Follow me.”
She turns on her heel and stomps off. Now, I’m not the type of woman to look kindly upon someone behaving like that. Ordering me around is a surefire way to piss me off, but damn, River is sexy as hell in a strop.
She’s turning into a kink for me.
Sucking a breath in through my nose, I steel myself. I’ve no idea what’s wrong with her, but she clearly feels I’ve wronged her somehow. So much for starting on a clean slate. That didn’t last long.
River heads to my cabin. I curse myself for all the clothes strewn across my bed. I’m usually a lot more organised and tidy.
She stands outside my door with both hands tight across her chest and her eyes on the ground.
With other sailors working, the passageway is a busy highway.
So, as much as I’d love to play the waiting game with her before I allow her access to my private quarters, I don’t want anyone listening in or forming their own opinion. That’s just fodder for the rumour mill.
Walking through the door, I leave it open for her. She hovers for a moment before stepping inside. The click of the lock is the only sound that breaks the silence.
My patience wears thin. “So, you stomped over and ordered me to follow you, and now you’ve got nothing to say?”
I see her jaw flex. “I need a second, okay?”
Scoffing, I sit on the end of my bed and cross my legs.
“Fine and nice,” she finally says. “That’s how you described our night together.”
Oh Jesus, is she serious?
“River, for God’s sake. It was one night. We had a good time. What is your problem?”
“You are!” she bellows.
Whoa.
“Okay, okay. River, what is this really about? I can’t believe your ego is this fragile. You’ve probably bedded more women than I’ve had hot dinners. We were a fleeting moment in the grand scheme of things.”
She paces the short distance of my cabin. “Was it bad? Was I bad? Didn’t you enjoy it?”
I’m momentarily gobsmacked. The River in front of me now is the same one I saw the other night. Vulnerable.
“River. Look at me.”
The force of my voice gets her to stop pacing. Everything about her is immaculate. She doesn’t have a hair out of place. But her eyes—there’s panic there. Desperation.
“We had a great night. Both of us had fun. When I said it was nice and fine, I didn’t mean to take anything away from our time together. Trust me when I say it’s me, and not you.”
She rolls her eyes and huffs.
“Listen to me, River. I love sex. But for me, the best sex is when I’m with someone who I’m really into on an emotional level. It’s just how I work. But finding those connections is hard. Dating sucks, so sure, on occasion I grab a quick hookup, like you do. I get off and have fun.”
“But we did things. Like really naughty stuff. I just…I gave you my best moves and you only found it nice?”
“River, why is this bothering you so much?”
“Because it’s my thing, Cleo. I’m shit at most things in life, but not that. Because…” She stops, struggles. “Because I’ve never cared before. If someone said I was ‘fine,’ I’d shrug and move on. But with you, it matters. And I don’t know why, and it’s driving me insane.”
Wow, does she really weigh her worth by the women she can please?
“River, it’s not about you. I promise.”
She puts both hands on her hips. “So, what I’m hearing is that if we dated, got to know each other and then had sex, it would be better. I’d be better?”
I don’t even know how to respond to that.
“Is that the top and bottom of it?” she asks.
“River, you don’t date. That’s what you said, right?”
“Not usually,” she mumbles.
“So this wouldn’t be real. It would be a way to make yourself feel better. How does that sound like a good idea?”
She slaps her palms on her thighs. “I can’t get you out of my head! Not your words, not your face. I couldn’t have sex with the woman at the bar—”
“You managed pretty well in the showers last night,” I shoot back.
There’s the jaw flex again. “I felt gross after. I crossed a line with a crew member, and it didn’t even help because all I could see was you. Even when I was with her, I was thinking about you.”
My chest tightens. “River—”
“I know how this sounds,” she cuts me off, running a hand through her hair.
“I know I sound like every player who’s ever fed you a line.
But this isn’t about my ego. Or it’s not just about that.
” She stops pacing and looks at me. Really looks at me.
“I’ve never felt like this before. Like I can’t breathe properly when you’re around.
Like something’s missing when you’re not. It scares the shit out of me, Cleo.”
My breath catches. This isn’t the cocky River from the bar. This is real.
“So what are you asking for?” My voice comes out quieter than I intended.
“A chance. To figure out what this is. I don’t know how to date someone. I don’t know if I’ll be any good at it. But I want to try. With you.”
“River. You. Don’t. Want. A relationship!
” I all but shout. Reining in my frustration, I stand and face her.
“You aren’t just suddenly going to change who you are, and I don’t want you to.
Equally, I promised myself no more sailors, and I made that promise before we slept together. This isn’t just about you!”
She steps towards me. “Tell me. Let’s get it all out on the table.”
“I got my heart broken by a sailor. She was just like you. Didn’t want commitment until we met, and then she was all-in. The problem was, she was in all her crewmate’s knickers too. I don’t want to be with a player, and River, you are a self-proclaimed player.”
River’s quiet for a long moment. “I don’t want to be her. The woman who hurt you. I don’t want to be that person.”
“Then don’t be.”
“I don’t know if I know how not to be,” she admits, and the vulnerability in her voice catches me off guard. “But I want to try. That has to count for something, right?”
Her shoulders sag and she scrunches her eyes shut. “Shit. Fuck, I’m the worst. Like the literal worst. I don’t know what’s wrong with me.”
There’s the River who has no self-esteem. I’d usually think she was full of shit and it was a part of an act, but it’s not. I’ve seen glimpses of this River over the past few days.
“River, you’re not the worst. Misguided, yes. But not the worst.”
“I’m sorry, Cleo. I feel like I’m going nuts.”
“I can’t stop thinking about you either.” The words are out before I can stop them.
River’s head snaps up, eyes wide.
“I should say no,” I continue. “Every logical part of me is screaming to say no. You’re a self-proclaimed player.
I swore off sailors. This could blow up in both our faces.
” I take a breath. “But the truth is, I’m tired of always playing it safe and ending up alone anyway.
And whatever this is between us…I want to find out what it is too. ”
“You’re serious?” Her voice is barely above a whisper.
“I’m terrified,” I admit. “But maybe that means it’s real. So yes, I’m willing to try. One day at a time.”
Another step forward. She’s so close. All I’d have to do is reach out and grab her shirt.
“This could be good for both of us,” she murmurs, and I know she feels a shift in the air as much as I do.
I raise an eyebrow. “I think this is more about you than me.”
There’s that grin. The one that got me into this mess in the first place. “Yeah, that’s fair. But maybe we both need this.”
“Maybe,” I concede. “But if we do this, we do it honestly. This isn’t about sex or proving points. The second I feel like I’m just a box you’re ticking, I’m out. And I mean it, River—I won’t give you a second chance.”
Her gaze softens. “I get it. And…same goes for me. If you’re just waiting for me to fuck up so you can say ‘I told you so,’ that’s not fair either. We both have to actually try.”
That stops me. She’s right. I’ve been so focused on protecting myself that I hadn’t considered—I could hurt her too.
“Fair,” I say. “So we’re both taking a risk here.”
“Yeah. We are.”
She reaches out an arm, waits for me to give her the green light. I nod. Her touch is warm on my forearm.
“I won’t play games with you, Cleo. That’s why I came here this morning. Yesterday in the shower felt too close to playing games, and it made me feel horrible. Talking to you about how I’ve been feeling isn’t something I find easy. But with you…it’s different.”
“Maybe next time don’t bark orders at me. I was this close to walking the other way,” I say, holding up my thumb and forefinger.
“Sorry. I’ve felt off kilter, and I’ve struggled to get control. I’m always in control.”
“Oh, I know.” A moment of silence passes. “So…how do you want to do this?”
“Well, how about I take you on a date?”
“Where? We’re on a tin can!”
She grins. “Hey now. River ‘Romeo’ Dawson doesn’t shy away from a challenge. Let me plan something. Tomorrow night?”
Blowing out a final breath of resistance, I embrace my decision. “Tomorrow night. Now, though, we have work, and none of this will be discussed.”
“Aye, aye. Understood. I think that goes for telling Kit and the gang, too.”
“Oh definitely. We both have a job to do, and I do not want our private business broadcast across the ship.”
“Agreed. Plus, WO Benson would absolutely use it to get me into the shit. He hates me.”
“Noted. So…we’re doing this?”
What am I doing?
River gives me one of her best lopsided grins. “We are. I’m going to date the shit out of you, Cleo Carter.”
What the hell have I just got myself into?