Chapter 12 Cleo #2
“That’s what she says.”
“Can you trust what she says?”
Trust. That’s the word, isn’t it? The thing I crave in a partner.
Once trust is broken, I think it’s nearly impossible to get back.
My ex proved that. She’d sworn she wasn’t sleeping with anyone else.
Looked me in the eye and lied. And I’d believed her, right up until I’d walked in on her with someone else.
Maybe that’s just me. I’ve had one too many important people break my trust to give an impartial opinion.
As far as I know, River hasn’t lied to me. She’s honest about who she is, and she certainly had the ovaries to open herself up a little and tell me how she was feeling. That was her trusting me, so I should give her the benefit of the doubt. Do I sound really judgey on my high horse?
I sometimes feel it. It’s not like I’m perfect. I have a shit ton of baggage with my dad. River might take a close look and decide I’m not worth it.
“You still there, honey?”
“Sorry, sorry. I’m here. Although I should warn you I won’t be in range for mobile signal soon. We’ll have to communicate via WhatsApp. I get thirty minutes of satellite time once a week, so I’ll send you the details you’ll need to sign in to a secure network.”
“No problem. But back to the issue at hand.”
“You know me, H. I’m sceptical and find it hard to trust. Especially sailors.”
“But?”
“I think River is genuine. There’s a connection between us.”
Honor hums. “And you’ve vetoed sex?”
“Not entirely. I just took it off the table for now. It was the only way I could semi-guarantee she wasn’t just trying to get in my pants to prove she’s a—”
“Fantastic fuck?”
I chuckle. “Crude, but correct.”
“Thing is, Cleo, you’ll be in close quarters for weeks. It’s going to be like dating on steroids. What’s your usual sex vs. dating rule?”
“You mean how many dates do I want before hopping into bed?”
“Exactly.”
“I don’t have a rule. I go on how I feel, I guess. It’s been so long since I dated anyone, though, Honor. One-night stands have been enough.”
“Clearly not anymore. Keep in mind you’ll get close quickly. It’s inevitable being together 24/7. Don’t get hung up on the idea it’s too fast. Plus, there is something to be said for connection between the sheets.”
“Meaning?”
“Sex is important. Not the most important, I know, but you need to know if you’re compatible. Not just in an emotional way, but physical too. The sex was good, right? The night you met?”
“Yes, it was. Not as earth-shattering as River believed.”
It was good. Really good, actually. River knew exactly what she was doing. But there was something missing—that spark, that connection that makes sex transcendent instead of just…pleasant.
“Damn. I can only imagine how that hit her ego.”
Yeah, it did. I feel bad.
“It hit hard. I wasn’t trying to hurt her feelings though.
” I may have been a little careless in my words when she confronted me.
I’d said “fine and nice” like it was nothing.
Like our night together was forgettable.
I hadn’t meant it that way, but I can see now how it must have sounded to someone who prides herself on being unforgettable.
“Part of me was pissed she assumed I was there for her. But on the flip side, I was honest. You know me, H. I need the intimacy for sex to be explosive.”
“Sure, sure. But that’s what this thing is about, isn’t it? She’s never had sex with someone she cares about.”
“So she says.”
“And you want to be loved.”
Oof, right in the heart with that one.
“I mean, I don’t need a woman to fulfil me,” I say in protest.
I feel the eye roll over the line. “I didn’t say that. But you do want to be loved, Cleo. Which, I may add, is perfectly okay to want. I know your arsehole ex did damage, honey.”
Sighing, I lean back and tilt my head to the ceiling. “I may have let that particular incident shape how I see the world.”
There’s no may have about it. Getting cheated on changed my view on relationships. I was already desperate not to be like Mum. I don’t mean that horribly. I just never wanted to be the woman who got walked all over.
Mum stayed with Dad through everything—his affairs, his emotional distance, his constant criticism. She made herself smaller and smaller, trying to be what he wanted, and it still wasn’t enough.
I swore I’d never do that. I’d never lose myself for someone else.
“Don’t let your ex take up any more of your energy, Cleo.”
“I haven’t thought of her in a while.”
“Until River came along. Let’s be honest. You judged River on your ex. Understandably. But it’s my guess she’s showing a different side to the player she was on the night you met. Otherwise you wouldn’t be entertaining the idea of dating her.”
I have, haven’t I? Every time River flirts, I see my ex’s wandering eye. Every time River deflects, I see my ex’s lies. But River isn’t her. River’s been honest about who she is from the start.
“True.”
“Therefore, there might be something to this. Give River a real shot. Don’t self-sabotage by assessing every little thing she does, looking for trouble.”
That’s a fair thing to say. I’ve definitely been doing that.
“I’m surprised you’re so supportive. I thought you might shout at me, if I’m honest.”
“Cleo. River is the first woman to make you spin out in years. In a good way. You’re feeling something again, and I’m all for that. I want you to be happy, honey. There’s more to life than work.”
My throat tightens. This is why I love Honor. She doesn’t coddle me or tell me what I want to hear. She tells me what I need to hear, even when it’s uncomfortable.
“God, I hope this doesn’t blow up in my face.”
“Me too. I hope she’s awesome and fucks you silly.”
Laughing, I reply, “Me too, H. Me too.”
We wrap the call up a few minutes later. Honor promises to save the ten pounds she won from Maggie until I’m back in London. “We’ll share the spoils,” she said.
No longer in the mood to type, I decide to get changed and head to the deck a little earlier than expected. I can get a light jog in before WO Benson starts the PT session. A little adrenaline will help clear my head.
Honor is right, I need to go into this thing with River fresh. She promised to give me her all, and I need to do the same. Who knows, she could turn out to be exactly what I’ve been looking for.
I’ve not let myself think that way about anyone since the ex. I still question whether everything I’m feeling and have agreed to is due to the odd circumstances in which River and I met. Not forgetting our circumstances now.
Hell. Maybe that’s what I need: something that makes absolutely no sense on paper.