Chapter 13 River
River
The interview didn’t go well. I choked. Instead of giving heartfelt answers I spewed some bullshit I’d read on a poster in the recruitment office back when I signed up.
Oh, not forgetting the idiotic shit I said about picking up women.
It was awful. I don’t know what happened. Cleo must think I’m a shallow asshole.
My relative state of calm after our heart-to-heart this morning is gone. I’ve replaced it with anxiety instead. How am I going to do this if I keep messing up? It’s like my brain shuts down anytime I have to be genuine.
I promised Cleo I wouldn’t tell anyone about our arrangement, but I think I might have to walk that one back.
Instead of shoving things to the back of my mind, I think I need to talk.
Everything is far too new to do that with Cleo.
My chest feels tight, like someone’s sitting on it.
I keep replaying the interview—Cleo’s face when I deflected, the way she closed her notebook, the disappointment in her voice. I fucked it up. Again.
I need to go to the only person who knows me as well as I know myself. Cheddar.
We’ve got an Xbox session on the agenda this evening.
A nice chilled few hours where I can—try—to open up to her.
It’s unlikely I’m going to succeed at this dating malarky without some help and guidance.
Granted, Cheddar isn’t the pinnacle of dating success.
She resembles me in that manner, but she’s definitely more in touch with her feelings.
Ideally I’d talk to Kit, but Cleo might actually murder me if I do that.
I told her I wouldn’t tell anyone. Looked her in the eye and promised.
And here I am, less than twelve hours later, already planning to break it.
But what choice do I have? I can’t do this alone.
I’ll just…not tell Cleo. What she doesn’t know won’t hurt her. Right?
My work assignment today is the upkeep of the missile system.
It should keep me busy for the whole day, which is a relief.
A few hours of respite from the insanity in my head is needed.
When I’m working, I know what I’m doing.
Systems, checks, protocols—it all makes sense.
There’s a right way and a wrong way, and I’m good at it.
No emotions, no second-guessing, no wondering if I’m enough. Just me and the job.
It should help me formulate whatever the hell it is I want to say to Cheddar.
I’m satisfied with my productive day. All systems are green—we’ll have no issues if we need to use the ship’s missiles anytime soon.
It’s a part of the job I love. Pure satisfaction of a job well done.
I also got to work with Pecker. His name is Pete Milford, but he earned the name Pete the Pecker when he got absolutely slaughtered at his passing out parade celebration and streaked the training ground, giving everyone a view of his manhood.
For once, he earned a moniker that isn’t an insult.
Even as a lesbian, I was impressed with Pete’s pecker size.
He wears it like a badge of honour, as he should.
Hilariously, even the officers call him Pecker most of the time.
Pete is a great guy, with a great sense of humour. He doesn’t take life too seriously, but is shit hot at his job. When we’re paired together on an assignment, we always get shit done.
I’m looking forward to a hot shower and an easy night. Cheddar is already in the lounge when I finally finish soaking and dress in my sweatpants. I’m officially off the clock.
Cheddar has two beers open and several packs of Wotsits piled on the coffee table.
We need to be careful not to burn through our alcohol ration too quickly.
Benson would cream his boxers if we abused the privilege.
No doubt he’d ban us entirely from drinking on board, even if the captain allows it.
Kit would also lose her shit because she’s the one responsible for the key to the fridge.
I’m guessing Cheddar rifled through Kit’s unmentionables to retrieve it, and sneaked our beverages for the evening.
“Hey, you ready to get your ass beat on Mario Kart?”
I scoff. “Dream on, Ched. You’re yet to take me down once. I’m the reigning champion of the entire engineering staff.”
“I’ve been practicing,” she mumbles through a fistful of Wotsits. Those orange fuckers are the reason she never, and will never, beat me on any Xbox game. Cheddar would rather have her hand in the bag than on her controller.
I take a large gulp of beer and settle in. We have four rounds of Mario Kart before Cheddar throws a hissy fit and demands we change the game. As expected, she lost every race…badly.
We’re deep into a Call of Duty campaign when I feel the need to unburden myself to Cheddar. I’d kept any thought of my agreement with Cleo at bay for the majority of the day, but now I’m relaxed, my mind is hauling it back to the surface.
I side-eye my friend a few times. My heart’s hammering. This is stupid. Why am I so nervous? It’s just Cheddar. But talking about feelings isn’t something I do. Ever. My mouth is dry, my palms are sweating, and I’m seriously considering just keeping my gob shut and pretending everything’s fine.
But I can’t. Not this time.
“Okay, what’s going on? I can feel you looking at me every fart’s end, and it’s annoying as hell. Have I got something on my face?”
“Aside from a ton of cheese dust?”
She rolls her eyes and brushes a hand over her mouth, doing nothing to rid herself of the powder, which has possibly stained her face. I make a mental note to get a picture of that before the night’s end.
“Seriously, are you okay? What happened last night? I know something was bothering you, Riv.”
Phew, here it is. The moment where I, River Dawson, voluntarily speak about emotions and feelings. It makes me feel kind of weird and gross.
“Yeah, something was up with me last night, and…and I want to talk about it.”
I resist the urge to get up and walk out of the lounge when Cheddar’s eyebrows hit her hairline in surprise.
“Okay,” she finally responds. “You know I’ve got your back, mate.”
My mouth is suddenly dry, so I sink the rest of my beer. I could do with another one, but Kit really will skin my hide if we raid the fridge again.
“I…we…fuck. Okay. Look, it’s a little complicated.”
Cheddar furrows her eyebrows. “Riv, seriously. What happened?”
So I do. I word vomit everything that happened last night and this morning. I tell her—awkwardly—how I’ve been feeling about my night with Cleo, her reaction and my response to that.
I can’t say silence falls because we’re on a massive ship. It’s never silent, but there is a lack of noise coming from our mess. Cheddar is looking at me like she’s trying to solve a Rubik’s Cube.
“Fancy saying something?” I laugh, trying to lighten the mood.
Blowing out a puff of air, Cheddar reclines in her seat. “You just said more words in a few minutes than in our entire friendship, Riv. Give me a minute.”
She’s staring at me like I’ve just told her I’m joining the circus.
Or maybe like I’ve grown a second head. I can practically see the wheels turning—trying to reconcile the River she knows (the one who doesn’t do feelings) with the River sitting in front of her (the one who just admitted she cares about someone).
“Bit dramatic. I talk all the time.”
“Never about this sort of stuff. I mean, I thought you loved the bachelorette lifestyle.”
“I do!” I protest instinctively before taking a breath. “I did. Seriously, I can’t explain it to myself, so no chance of getting you to understand. Cleo is different for some reason.”
“Enough to change who you are, River?”
I shrug. “Maybe the playgirl isn’t who I am anymore.”
She cocks her eyebrow. “Really?”
It irritates me. Does she not think I’m capable of growing as a person? Do I think I’m capable? Fuck, I’m irritated at myself, not Cheddar. Of course she’s questioning me…I’ve been questioning me.
Another shrug. “I don’t know, but I want to find out.”
“And Cleo is all on board with this…”
“Dating experiment.”
“Right…dating experiment.”
“It took a bit of convincing.”
Cheddar lifts her second eyebrow so now both are at the top of her forehead, displaying her utter shock at my madness. “River, convincing someone to date you isn’t a great start.”
“Only because she’s been hurt before…by a sailor. I get it, but I know she feels something for me too. At least attraction, even if it’s surface-deep.”
“And that’s enough for you to chuck away your rulebook?”
A frustrated sigh whooshes from my mouth. “I don’t know, Cheddar, but what else could I do? She’s in my brain like a fucking parasite!”
Chuckling, Cheddar drains the rest of her drink. “Interesting way to describe your…whatever she is.”
“You know what I mean.”
“I do, I’m just messing with you. But on a serious note, aren’t you worried? I mean, what if this little experiment of yours only reinforces that you prefer to hit ’em and quit ’em? What if Cleo develops real feelings for you?”
“What if I develop real feelings for her? Ever think of that?”
Placing a hand on my shoulder, Cheddar softens her look, which makes my skin itch. I don’t want her feeling sorry for me.
“I didn’t mean to offend you, River. Look, I’m just surprised, but you’re right. This could be something good. Just…be careful, yeah?”
“I will. You can’t tell anyone, though, okay. Not even Cleo.” I wince. “I sort of told her I wouldn’t let anyone else in on our agreement.”
Cheddar’s face says it all. I’m an idiot. I know I’m an idiot. But I needed to talk to someone, and Cheddar’s the only person I trust with this. Cleo will understand. Probably. Maybe. Fuck, I hope she doesn’t find out.
“For fuck’s sake,” Cheddar mutters to herself. “Fine, my gob is sealed.”
Grinning, I pull her towards me and kiss her forehead. “You’re the best.”
“Ew, get off me.” She swipes a hand across the place I gave her a wet smackeroo and then wipes it on my sweatpants. “So, what’s the big plan for a date? Hate to break it to you, Riv, but His Majesty hasn’t suddenly started incorporating five-star scran in the dining hall.”
Cheddar is right. It’s not like I could take Cleo for a meal, even if the galley did serve luxury food. Not without being interrupted, anyhow.
“I reckon if I called in some favours, I could get something decent cooked for us. We could eat in here.”
“And what about everyone who’ll want to chill in the mess?”
“Call in more favours, I guess. I just need it clear for a couple of hours. It’s not like we’re going to be getting hot and heavy on the couch.”
“Yeah, about that. I mean, are you really okay with the no sex policy?”
“Cheddar, we go away for months on end, and I don’t have sex. This is no different.”
She scoffs at me and shakes her head. “You’re delusional if you believe that, mate.
You’re going to be getting to know her on a personal level.
There will be flirting because you can’t help yourself.
At times she’ll flirt back. Maybe she’ll even give you a snog or two.
You’re telling me you can just walk away from the possibility of taking it further, no questions asked? ”
“Firstly,” I say with a degree of indignation, “I’m not an arsehole, Cheddar. I’ve never pressured or got the arse if a woman has said no to sex and I won’t start now. Consent is everything.”
I’ve seen too many blokes think they’re owed something just because a woman smiled at them or agreed to a drink. That’s not how it works. If someone says no, you respect it. End of. I don’t care how much I want Cleo—if she’s not ready, we’re not doing it.
She rolls her eyes. “I didn’t mean it like that—”
“Certainly sounded like it. I don’t want to sleep with anyone if they aren’t one hundred percent into it.”
“Okay, okay. Sorry. But the fact still remains that you‘re gonna be horny as hell and have the woman you’re craving a few cabins away.”
Cheddar isn’t totally wrong. Cleo pushes all my buttons, and I would love nothing more than to sleep with her again. But I told her I wouldn’t play games, and I’m going to keep to that. I want to know what it means to have sex with someone you care for.
“Sex is on her terms, and I’m happy with that. Look, I know all this is weird and out of character for me.” Cheddar nods. “But I want to try, okay?”
“Alright. Well, I guess I wish you good luck.”
I grin at her, and she narrows her eyes. “I need a little more than good luck from you, Cheds.”
“Fuck, I knew I’d end up getting caught up in it,” she grumbles, causing me to laugh. Cheddar is my ride or die. I know it and she knows it.
“I just need you to keep everyone out of the mess. I’ll get to as many people as possible so they know to stay away, but—”
“Ah fucking hell, River. You’re talking about Grey, aren’t you?”
I’m absolutely talking about Grey. Out of all of my crewmates, she’s the last person I want within a hundred feet of my date with Cleo.