Chapter 17 River
River
I’ve never suffered from seasickness, but this rolling in my stomach makes me think that’s what it must feel like. I know this hasn’t got anything to do with the ocean and everything to do with Cleo and the way she affects me.
Tonight went better than expected. I was so nervous we’d get busted or the conversation would dry up.
It got a little rocky at one point, but we managed to steer through it and come out the other end in a better place.
The conversation gave me some clarity. I admitted to Cleo that I came to this whole idea with little thought, and up until tonight I was still freaking out over possibly making the biggest mistake ever.
But…now I know Cleo is worth feeling out of control for.
I can’t predict if what she says about having feelings for someone makes sex better. Maybe it’s just a “her” thing and doesn’t affect everyone the same way. It’s possible I will develop feelings and nothing will change for me in the bedroom department, but either way I’m eager to find out…with her.
Back to the date, which is rapidly approaching its end.
I’m only calling it when I’ve dropped her off at her cabin door.
Ideally I’d give her a chaste kiss, but neither of us can risk getting caught looking anything other than professional.
Me walking her back to her accommodation is literally what my purpose as her chaperone is, so no issues there.
I owe Cheddar big time. She’s come through for me tonight, and no amount of baked cheese puffs are going to make us even. I vow to get her laid as often as possible when we get back to Portsmouth. That woman deserves all the bar bunny fun she can have for being such an amazing friend.
“Heads up,” Cheddar calls as we’re about to leave the mess, “Benson was skulking about earlier. Don’t…you know…do anything to get in the shit, yeah?”
“Cheers, Cheddar,” I say, guiding Cleo into the main passageway.
Our date bubble is popped as the noise and vibrancy of the ship surrounds us. Crew members bustle by on their way to work or their bunks for some kip. I wish so badly we weren’t here right now.
“Shall we?” Cleo asks quietly.
God, I want to take her hand. “Sure, come on.”
Happily, we avoid running into Benson and arrive swiftly at Cleo’s cabin. The air turns awkward as we both try to figure out what to do. Cleo hovers in the doorway, fiddling with her sweater cuff. Taking a quick look left and right, I snatch a cheek kiss.
The kiss is brief, chaste, but it’s enough to make my heart race. I want to pull her back, want to taste her properly, want to show her exactly what I’m feeling. But we can’t. I wish I could take her hand.
“Good night, Cleo.”
She smiles shyly at me and I feel like I’ve won the lottery.
“Good night, Dawson. See you tomorrow.”
Lingering, I trawl my mind for something to say. “Do you need me for anything in particular, tomorrow?” is what I come up with. I don’t need Cloe to give me an itinerary or anything, and I’m not being suggestive, I’m genuinely interested in her work.
“Yes, actually, I need to talk to you about something. It’s not to do with…” She waves her hand back and forth between us.
“Okay, sure. Um…” I hesitate.
“What is it?”
I need to tell Kit and Boot what’s going on. Cheddar was right, lying to them just isn’t an option. “I…I need to tell Kit and Boot,” I blurt.
She looks at me and worries her lip. “Okay. But no one else, right?”
I shake my head. “Lips are sealed. They’re just—”
“Your family, I get it.”
Relief floods through me. “Thank you for understanding. Sleep well.”
The mess is clean of all evidence by the time I get back. Cheddar is lounging on the couch, watching the television.
“Alright, Riv?” she asks without looking my way.
“Yeah. Are Kit and Boot around?”
“Both in the bunk, I think.”
“Cool, cool. Um, would you come with me so I can tell them about Cleo?”
Finally, she looks away from the TV. “Yeah, sure. Wow, okay. You ready for Kit’s judgement? Because we both know that’s gonna happen.”
I swallow. “Yeah, I know.”
She rolls off the couch and cocks her head for me to follow her. I take a few breaths and brace myself for Kit. I’m not stupid enough to think she’s going to be impressed with the situation, for several reasons.
We step into our bunkhouse, and I close the door.
Boot is lifting dumbbells like a maniac.
I mean, really! She’s just been on a ten-hour shift, for crying out loud.
Kit, on the other hand, is hanging about in her bra and knickers, which usually has my eyes wandering, but for once…
I don’t look. I do look, literally, because my eyeballs work, but I don’t look look. It feels wrong now.
Christ, am I already changing? Pfft. Doubtful, it’s more likely I’m not as much of an arsehole as I thought I was, and have respect for Cleo and our burgeoning relationship.
“Can I have a chat?” I ask loudly. Boot grunts something and nods.
Kit pulls a T-shirt over her head and settles on her bed. “You know you can.”
“Boot, put the weights down,” Cheddar scoffs. “Seriously, take a break, would ya?”
With everyone looking at me, I suddenly remember I have to make words come out of my mouth. “I’m dating Cleo,” I blurt.
Cheddar chokes on nothing. “Bloody hell, River. I thought you’d be a little less blunt than that!”
My eyes move to Kit, who has sat up and crossed one leg over the other, scrutinising me. I know that look. It’s the look Kit gets when she’s about to deliver some home truths. The look that says she’s disappointed in me. The look that makes me feel about five years old.
I brace myself for impact.
“What does that mean?” she asks.
“It means, I may have lost my marbles the other day and confronted her about the night we slept together.”
“Oh, for God’s sake,” she grumbles.
“Anyway, she told me it was to do with her needing to connect with her partner.” I ramble the rest of the story, letting Boot and Kit know how the conversation with Cleo went down.
Boot holds up her hand. “What happened on the night you slept with Cleo? Have I missed something?”
Scrubbing my face in frustration, I give Boot the short version of my mental breakdown regarding Cleo’s less-than-stellar review of our night together. She doesn’t say anything once I’ve finished, which I appreciate.
“Hey, back to you dating Cleo,” Kit demands. “River, what the hell?”
“Hey,” I snap back. “This is why I didn’t tell you straight away, Kit. I knew you’d be weird about it.”
“No,” she says, shaking her head. “You knew I’d talk some sense into you. This is a whole new level of narcissism, River.”
Ouch.
“Kit,” Cheddar says softly. “Go easy.”
“Go easy? Cheddar, she’s literally talked a woman into dating her because she had her ego bruised. Are you kidding me? River, I love you, you know that. I love you, exactly who you are, the way you are.”
“And who am I exactly, Kit?” I grit out.
“You’re River ‘Romeo’ Dawson. You’re a shit hot sailor and a womaniser.”
“And that’s all I can be, right?”
“No, of course not,” Kit replies, rolling her eyes. “But only up to a few days ago, you had zero ambition of changing that, and I don’t think you really want to now. This is all about making yourself feel better, and I sort of get it, but to drag Cleo into it…no, River, that’s not right.”
I remain silent because I knew Kit wouldn’t like it, but I didn’t realise she’d feel like this or see me in such a basic light.
“Bloody hell, Kit,” Cheddar pipes up. “Cleo is a grown woman who made the choice to do this. That’s not on River.”
“No, you’re right, but it will be on River when she inevitably breaks Cleo’s heart. You can’t seriously think this is a good idea, Cheddar? Boot?”
I look at my friends. Cheddar looks back at me and smiles. “I think they can do whatever they want and it’s not for us to judge.”
“The only thing I’m not thrilled about is it being on board,” Boot says. “And that’s only because I don’t want Romeo to get in the shit with Benson. If he finds out, she’ll likely be shipped off to Scotland or something.”
Kit gets to her feet and slams the bed frame. “Are you all crazy?”
I think that’s a rhetorical question.
“River, don’t do this. Seriously, you’re gonna hurt her, and for what? To prove you’re good in the sack?”
My throat feels clogged with an emotion I can’t name.
“What happens when she gets serious, and you freak out? ’Coz we know you will.”
I’ve never felt a barb cut so deep. Kit has zero faith in me, and sadly, I’m not surprised.
I’ve only shared Romeo with them, and very little of River.
Oh, they think they know me, and to a point they do.
Better than anyone in my life, but I still haven’t revealed all of myself, because that literally leads to pain.
I learned that from my parents, and yes, I know it’s a bullshit cliché.
Boohoo, she had a bit of a crap childhood.
But that’s all I’ve ever had to work with, and it’s shaped me.
I’d love nothing more than to wake up one day, feeling free to open my heart to people, but it’s not going to happen. Not overnight, anyway. I was just glad I felt something different with Cleo. Now I’m wishing I didn’t, because apparently I’m going to fuck it up no matter what I do.
“Let’s not forget the situation you’re putting us in,” Kit continues. “It’s selfish, River. If you get caught with the admiral’s daughter, we’re all in for a bollocking. God, Benson would just fucking love it. Is a shag really worth it?”
“We’re not sleeping together,” I say weakly.
Kit scoffs. “It won’t take you long, Riv. You’ll charm her and she’ll give in like they all do.”
Wow, this is fucking brutal.
“Kit,” Cheddar barks. “You are way out of line right now. River is your fucking sister, what the fuck are you doing?”
I hold up my hand. “Thanks, Cheddar, I appreciate you saying that, but clearly Kit’s had some things she’s needed to get off her chest.”
“It’s not like that,” Kit says with frustration. “I’ve watched you sleep your way through the world’s population for years, and that’s cool.”
“Oh, glad you think so.”
“It’s cool because even though you are an egomaniac, and cocky, you’ve never intentionally hurt a woman.
You’re all about consent and telling it to them straight.
This isn’t that, River. Cleo doesn’t know what she’s signing up for.
I mean, come on. You freaked out when a woman you had sex with slipped her number into your trouser pocket before you snuck away once. Do you remember?”
I do, and she’s not wrong. “But that woman wasn’t Cleo,” I say.
“No, Cleo is the first woman to knock your confidence. She didn’t fall for the routine, and now, whether you’re aware of it or not, you’re using her.”
Kit takes a step towards me, and I feel myself wanting to shrink back from her.
“I’m only saying this to stop you crossing a line.” Kit takes my hand and the look in her eyes reminds me that she’s always had my back and I can hear the kindness in her voice. “You’ve never wanted a relationship, River. Never in the entire time I’ve known you.”
“How will you date?” Boot asks, completely bypassing Kit’s extremely hurtful speech.
“Oh, they had their first date this evening,” Cheddar says. “It was really sweet actually.”
I close my eyes and breathe out slowly through my nose. I love how Cheddar is so chuffed with the date, but I’d really like her to shut up.
Kit sighs. “Christ, you’ve already dragged Cheddar into this?”
“Um, I’m right here,” Cheddar says. “There was no dragging involved.”
“Look, River,” Kit continues. “I’m not going to drop you in it if you decide to carry on with this nonsense, but I’m also not getting involved.
I need to keep my nose clean. I can’t afford any of my shore leave being stripped off me.
Not with the baby so close. I just ask you to think about the ramifications this idea will have on the rest of us. ”