Chapter 18 Cleo
Cleo
Something is off. The atmosphere is thick as butter as I step into River’s cabin, which is weird because she’s the only one in here. It’s like I can feel the weight of something hanging in the air.
River hasn’t noticed me yet, and I’m glad because I want to observe her for a moment longer. Her posture is almost rigid, and yet there is a slumped quality to the stature of her shoulders. It’s a bizarre contrast, and one I’m curious to understand.
What could have possibly happened between our date ending and now?
Fuck, she said she wanted to tell Kit and Boot about us. Did she do it?
“River?”
She jumps slightly and turns around. Her eyes have dark patches underneath them, and her hair is a fraction off of her usual perfected slicked back bun. She’s not a mess, but I can see through the starched uniform, and what I see is a woman unravelling. Something bad happened.
“River, what’s wrong?”
Like a steel shutter rolling down, she shuts her emotions away.
“Good morning,” she replies with a false, upbeat attitude. “Did you sleep well?”
Okay, I’ll play along for now. I still don’t know her well enough to figure out how to handle this version of River. “I did, thank you. Are your bunkies already on shift?”
A shadow of something passes across her face. “No, they’re just grabbing some scran. They’ll be back shortly.”
“Excellent. I’d like to talk to all of you, if that’s okay?”
“Sure.”
This is painful. I need to get her out of here for a few minutes and find out what the hell is going on. “Would you mind escorting me to the dining hall? I haven’t had any breakfast yet.”
I was far too wired this morning to eat. I woke up feeling refreshed and ready to work. My instincts are pulling me like a divining rod, because I know there is a meaty story hiding on this ship, waiting for me to coax it out, and it has nothing to do with recruitment.
Placing her beret on, River smooths down her uniform, which I can see is her way of giving herself a few extra seconds to compose herself.
“After you,” she says politely.
Her behaviour is throwing me off completely. After last night, I expected a few cheeky comments or lingering looks, but that’s not the case at all. If anything, she’s pulling away from me.
We make our way to the dining hall, which is buzzing with chatter. I see Cheddar, Kit, and Boot at a table. There doesn’t seem to be a conversation flowing, and as we walk a little closer, I can see they have the same exhausted look on their faces as River.
Kit looks up and spots us. I see her eyes widen a fraction and then her face pale. Her eyes drop to her plate and don’t move. Now, either her bacon is suddenly the most interesting thing on the ship, or she’s avoiding River.
I believe my assumption that the bunkies have had a falling out is spot on. Unfortunately, I think I’m at the centre of their disagreement, which I don’t like at all.
My presence on board was supposed to be non-invasive, not tearing friends apart. But here we are—River’s best friends are clearly upset with her, and it’s because of me. Because of us.
The guilt sits heavy in my stomach.
We each grab a plate and walk the line of hot plates. I settle for scrambled eggs on toast, whereas River has a Full English. Expecting us to head over to her friends, I’m more than surprised when River picks the closest table and sits down.
I wait until we’re both eating before I broach the issues. “River, what happened last night?” I keep my voice low because neither of us wants any eavesdroppers.
“Nothing,” she mumbles, looking at her plate and decidedly not at me.
“I’ll go and ask you friends, then,” I say, pushing my plate away and moving to stand.
Her arm shoots out and her eyes bore into me. “Please don’t.” I expected her to sound angry, but her voice holds no heat…just pain.
Sitting back down, I watch her in silence. Her hand goes to her forehead and begins rubbing it in obvious frustration.
“Do you want to go to my cabin and talk?” I offer, because the dining hall is not the place for a heart-to-heart.
River nods, shoves one last piece of sausage in her mouth and stands. I don’t hesitate to follow her. My eyes stray towards her friends, who are still eating. Cheddar is the only one looking our way, and she gives me a small nod, which I’m not sure how to interpret.
Opening my cabin door, I usher River inside before she changes her mind. She stands awkwardly as I clear off my bed and sit down. I really need to organise myself better.
“River, please tell me,” I say quietly, not wanting to startle her. She looks like she’s somewhere else entirely.
Swiping off her beret, River takes two steps over to me and sits down. There is only a handful of centimetres between us, and my heart gives a couple of extra hard thuds because of it.
“I don’t want to tell you, because I think you’ll end up agreeing with Kit. Hell, I think I agree with her, and that is really fucking sad.”
“So Kit—”
“Basically told me I was a piece of shit for dating you. I’m only good for fucking women, and leaving.”
I reel back in shock. Kit, one of River’s best friends, said that to her?
“You can’t honestly believe that, River?”
She scoffs. “Of course I do. She’s right. I asked you out because you hurt my feelings, and I’m so narcissistic I needed to prove you wrong. We both know it, Cleo.”
“Whoa, okay, let’s just take a second.” I pause, because this is a lot. River is in full self-hate mode, and I just can’t listen to her destroy herself like that.
“A second won’t change the truth. I think it’s best if—”
“No. I’m not going to let you finish that sentence.” I know exactly where she’s trying to take this conversation, and it’s not happening. “Who is in this relationship?” I ask, even though it’s not quite a relationship yet.
“Me and you,” she stutters.
“Exactly. Me and you. Not Kit, or Boot, or any other person for that matter. Now, I agree it took a little convincing for me to agree to dating you.”
She goes to say something, but I plant my palm solidly across her lips to shut her up. Her eyes widen, and if I’m not mistaken, her mouth curls up in a little smile.
“We talked it through, River. Sure, we’ve only had one date, but correct me if I’m wrong, we both decided we wanted a second. Wasn’t that the whole reason you booped the pause button? For us to talk?”
She nods her head, and I feel her calm down a little.
“Us dating isn’t about you changing who you are, River.
I don’t want that. I want you to be you, however that manifests.
But there is a big difference between changing and growing.
Also, we have the absolute right to make different choices if something comes along that questions our normal.
It’s how humans evolve. So, do you feel like you’re trying to change who you are, or are you making different choices? ”
She mumbles something unintelligible under my hand. Her eyes search mine, looking for judgement, finding none. I can feel her shoulders relax slightly, feel her breathing slow.
When I lower my palm, she takes a shaky breath. “I’m making choices,” she says quietly.
And then, before I can respond, her lips are on mine. Warm, soft, and commanding. Momentarily stunned, I take an extra second to engage my body, but when I do it responds in kind, because…it’s River Dawson, and I’m inexplicably drawn to every facet of her.
Her breath hits my top lip as she exhales through her nose, and it drives me insane.
Opening my mouth, I cordially invite her in to take the kiss to the next level.
My insides are heating up, and the familiar twinge between my legs tells me I’m seconds away from ripping her uniform from her delicious body.
To my dismay, River brushes her tongue against mine before bringing the kiss to an end. Sitting there dazed, I have to force my eyes to focus on her. My lips feel swollen, my breath is ragged, and my entire body is humming with want.
She’s leaning back with a shy smile and her breaths a little faster than normal. She looks at me like I’m the most important thing in the world, and it makes my chest ache.
“Was that okay?” she asks. All I can do is nod. “I don’t want to have sex with you.” She beams and…what?
“Oh. Okay…”
She stifles a chuckle, but not very successfully. “Obviously I want to have sex with you, Cleo. What I mean is, it’s not my end goal, you know?”
“I have no idea what’s happening.” My body is still humming from that far too brief zinger of a kiss she planted on me.
She takes both my hands and looks into my eyes.
“The reason I know you are different, Cleo, is because I’m not constantly thinking about getting you into bed.
I want to talk to you, and laugh with you.
That’s never happened before. Kit…Kit wasn’t entirely wrong.
The girls have only ever seen one version of me…
the one I allow them to see. It’s no surprise she thinks I’m being reckless, and maybe I am.
Hell, I was ready to call this whole thing off a few seconds ago, but then you do that thing. ”
“What thing?”
“The thing where you say something that undoes whatever shit is running through my head. I want a second date, Cleo. I want to make different choices if it means we get to spend more time together.”
“I think you know how I feel about it. But can we circle back to you not wanting to have sex with me?”
She laughs, a loud and bright laugh. “We will sleep together again, but I can promise you with absolute assurance, it’s not my end goal. It was when I suggested this, and we both know it. But after our date, something has changed. I like this,” she says, waving between us. “I want more.”
“And what about your friends?” We need to be realistic.
River relies on her friends more than anyone in the world, and there will be no us if she can’t get right with them.
River needs her people, and I want that for her.
Honor will always have my back when things get tough.
River will need the same from her family, too.
“I’m going to talk to Kit later. Just the two of us. It’s clear there are some issues we need to iron out.”
Brushing my thumb across her hand, I smile. “So, we’re still on for date number two?”
“Yes, and I have an idea.”
“Oh, do I get to know?” I’m desperately trying to push my libido back down, but it’s not easy. After all my blustering about setting boundaries where sex is concerned, I think I’m going to be the one to push them, and River will be the one to reinforce them.
The irony isn’t lost on me. I came on this ship to investigate a story. Instead, I’ve found myself falling for a woman who makes me forget my own rules.
And the worst part? I don’t think I mind.
“I’m not going to say, until I know I can pull it off. Now, do you want to tell me what you wanted to talk to me about?”
Oh Jesus, the whole Benson thing. God, I need to focus.
“Yes, I do, but you need to move away from me because I‘m distracted.”
She cocks her eyebrow and grins at me. “Why, Cleo Carter, pull your head out of the gutter. We’re going steady.”
I snort and push her playfully. She slides to the end of my bed, which opens up a foot between us. Ideally, I’d like her a few metres away, but we haven’t got a lot of space to work with.
Shaking my head, I get into reporter mode. “Benson,” I say. River furrows her eyebrows. “Would you feel comfortable telling me why he has such a grudge against you?”
She rubs her palms up and down her thighs several times. “Um, it’s not going to make me look great, to be honest.”