Chapter 19 River
River
I can’t catch a fucking break. If it’s not Kit reaming me out, its emotional conversations with Cleo, which strip me raw and churn up my emotions, or it’s about a bloke who really fucking hates me because I can’t keep it in my pants.
“No judgement here,” she says.
“Right. Let’s see if you still feel the same after I tell you,” I grumble. “I’d just joined the Queen Elizabeth. It was maybe a week or two after, I think. Anyway, I went out with Kit and Cheddar to a club. One of our usual hangouts.”
Cleo nods and gestures for me to keep going. I really don’t want to.
“I picked up a woman and went back to what I thought was her place.”
Cleo’s eyes get a little wider, and I can see the conclusion she’s coming to.
“We had our fun,” I continue, “and I was in the process of leaving the next morning when I ran into someone in the hallway.”
“Benson,” she says matter-of-factly.
“Right, Benson. Turns out the woman was his younger sister.”
“Okay.”
I chuckle. “Not okay. He was livid, but I swear I had no idea who she was.”
Cleo tips her head slightly. She does it when she’s puzzling something out and is ready to ask a question. “Was she underage or something?”
“Fucking hell, of course not. No way! I might be a tit most of the time, but I’m responsible where age and consent are concerned. No, she was most certainly over twenty-one.”
“So, Benson was just pissed because…”
I shrug. “I’d railed his little sister, and he’d be reminded of that every time he saw me at work, I suppose.”
“Right,” she says, looking off to the side. “And was he in charge of your bunk inspections before that incident?”
“Um, no. Why?”
She doesn’t answer me straight away. This line of questioning wasn’t what I was expecting. As far as I know, Benson isn’t going to feature in Cleo’s article. Maybe she’s changed her mind.
“Do you have evening rounds, too?”
“Most evenings, but not with Benson. It’s the Officer of the Watch who conducts them.”
“Is that the same for the rest of the crew?”
“Cleo, what’s going on?”
She huffs. “Don’t you find it odd that a Warrant Officer is conducting morning rounds?”
“I haven’t really thought about it. It’s a bit beyond my pay grade, to be honest.”
Cleo nods. “Okay, but now I’ve made you aware, what do you think?”
She’s not wrong. Benson isn’t an officer and normally wouldn’t have that kind of responsibility. “Alright, I’ll bite. Yeah, it’s out of the norm.”
“Especially,” Cleo begins, her voice quieter, “if your bunks are the only ones getting extra rounds.”
“You think Benson is targeting me and the girls, specifically?”
“Isn’t he?”
“No, he does rounds on two other bunks as well.”
Cleo grabs her notepad. “Can you tell me who is in those bunks?”
I list off the crewmates, and she writes them down. This is all a bit weird, but I can see Cleo feels she’s on to something I’m clearly not seeing yet.
“Ruby Mitchel is in one of the cabins Benson inspects?”
“Yes,” I say slowly.
“Any other queer people?”
“What are you getting at, Cleo?”
Flinging her notepad to the bed, she frowns. “I’m not sure yet. I’m looking for a pattern, I guess. Benson should not have the power to conduct rounds, or issue punishments the way he is. Am I right in saying he’s denied shore leave before?”
“Well yes, but I presume he gets the okay from an officer.”
“But you can’t be sure?”
“Cleo, I tend to stay away from the guy, not check up on him.”
“Hmmm. That’s what I thought,” she mumbles to herself. “Do you think Cheddar and the girls will speak to me about him?”
“I can’t see why not, although I’m not sure they will tell you anything I haven’t.”
“That’s fine, I just want to cover all my bases.”
“You really think there’s something going on, don’t you?”
Cleo bites her lip. “I feel it in my gut, River.”
“And my gut tells me your dad isn’t going to like you snooping.”
“No, he won’t, but I also know he wouldn’t want his sailors mismanaged. I’m not doing this to piss him off. I’ve still got an article to write, which I have every intention of doing to the best of my ability. But…I can’t ignore this. The whole Benson situation is wonky. Not even mentioning Grey.”
“You think there’s something going on with her too?”
She taps her chin with her index finger. “How many WO’s do you know with their own personal assistant? Because that’s what Grey comes across as.”
Once again, she’s not wrong, although I just figured Grey’s arse kissing played into Benson’s God complex, which is why he’s allowed her to stick to his side like glue.
“Who is Benson’s superior officer?” she asks, snapping back into investigating mode. It’s super sexy.
“Lieutenant Hardman.”
“Is he close to Benson?”
“I’ve no idea, Cleo. Seriously, I don’t get involved in anything above my station. The ship’s politics isn’t something I want to get involved in.”
Cleo nods. “Okay. I can find out easy enough.”
I watch her as she mulls through whatever thoughts are going through her head. I’d like to kiss her again, but I’m not sure I could pull back a second time.
While Cleo works through her new topic of interest, I allow my mind to fill with the memory of our kiss. Maybe I shouldn’t have done it or at least waited until I wasn’t feeling so emotional.
The thing is, I wanted to kiss her last night and couldn’t. Today offered me the chance, and I took it. Her words soothed me and made me feel like I’m not a total dickhead of a person…because that’s how I felt after talking with Kit.
Kit. Ugh, I need to have it out with her.
We’ve never had a…discussion? As intense as that.
I’m still not sure how I feel about what she said.
Not because she was wrong, but because of how easily she said it to me.
The heat in her voice as she eviscerated me.
Have I held our friendship to a higher standard than she has?
I’m questioning whether we’ve been as close as I thought all this time.
“Do you need me for anything else?” I ask.
“No, no. I’ve got an interview to get to, but I’d like to swing by later if that’s okay. Do you know Kit, Boot, and Cheddar’s work schedule?”
“We all have two days off after today. Kit and Boot will be back in the lounge around 08:00 hours.”
Nodding, Cleo slides a little closer, and my pulse skyrockets immediately. “I’ll see you later then?” she murmurs.
Instead of leaning in, I wait for her to make the next move.
Which…she fucking does! Little fireworks shoot up through my chest as she claims my lips.
The kiss is sensual but doesn’t hint at going any further, which I’m happy with.
Leaving Cleo for the day off the back of this sort of kiss is more than satisfactory.
We pull apart simultaneously and laugh because we both have stupid grins on our faces.
A small part of me worries how easily we’re slipping into each other.
How easily I find being around her without freaking out, and how much I want to be with her…
physically. For the first time in my adult life, I don’t want sex to be the thing that connects us.
Yes, I still feel a tad…not upset, but bruised that Cleo didn’t have the same experience as me when we first met, but it’s such a tiny part of me now, I know deep down I’m not dating her to prove something anymore.
I’m not using her, and I need Kit to understand that.
“I’m going to go,” I say softly. She nods wordlessly, and I heave myself away and out of her cabin door. I fumble with my beret as I put it back on. The passageway is clear except for one other person.
“Hey, we’re on the big guns today,” Ruby calls.
“Cool, um, do you know where Kit is?”
“Yeah, she’s already on deck. She and Boot are on the other big guns.” She laughs.
We begin walking, and I can’t help but look over my shoulder towards Cleo’s cabin. Of course, she steps out and sees me with Ruby. My face must convey my discomfort because she gives me a small wave and a smile.
Phew. Cleo isn’t holding my shower escapade against me or Ruby, thank God.
Once we’re both kitted in our overalls, we head for our work placement for the day.
I really enjoy checking the 20mm Vulcan cannons.
They are top of the line and impressive as hell.
Everything on the ship has regular maintenance checks, so we’re ready to go at the drop of a hat.
Being a weapons engineer means I get to work on all the coolest shit and on all areas of the ship.
I spot Kit and Boot at the second turret. “Ruby, would you be super offended if I swap out for Boot? I need to talk to Kit.”
“No sweat. As long as it’s not because of what happened?”
“Between us?”
“Yup.”
Laughing, I knock on her shoulder with my fist. “We’re good, Ruby.”
“Then send the delicious Boot over here.”
Laughing my way over, I signal for Boot to chat. She’s happy to work with Ruby because she has a low-key crush on her and I know she hates tension, so she’ll want Kit and me to work our shit out quickly.
Kit looks up and I see her stiffen. I can’t tell if she’s pissed at me or embarrassed about our dust-up.
“Hey, I’m with you,” I say. “We need to talk.”
She glances around the deck and gives me a look, because the deck of an aircraft carrier is not the quietest of places for a chat.
“After this,” she calls, and I agree. We spend the next couple of hours checking every inch of the guns and filling out paperwork.
When lunch time rolls around, I take Kit by the elbow and guide us back to our bunk.
There’s no danger of Boot interrupting because Ruby asked her if she wanted to grab chow, so Boot will be on her like a fly ’round shit.
Cheddar never comes to the bunk at mealtimes, so it’s just the two of us.
“So,” I say, not sure how to start.
“River, I’m so sorry,” she blurts. “Fucking hell, I was vicious with you, and I feel like crap.”
That’s one way to open the conversation.
“It felt pretty rough,” I reply. More than anything I want to wave her comments off, but I can’t because they hurt.
“I love you, Rome. You know that, don’t you?”
Nodding, I strip off my overalls and sit on my bed. “I do, but—”
“No buts, Rome. I was already stressed out as fuck by the time we chatted last night, and I let all my frustration out on you.”
“Okay, but you still said some things I think we both know you’ve been harbouring for some time.”
She sighs and drops her head to her hands. “Okay, let’s get real. There are times I find you frustrating as fuck, River. Your behaviour does affect us.”
“I know it does, and for what it’s worth I never meant to make you feel like this.”
“It’s Benson,” she says, and my ears prick up. “He’s just looking for another reason to take our shore leave away, and I can’t let that happen again, River. I want to see my niece and…there might be a certain lady waiting for me at home, too.”
“Is there now?”
“Yes, but I’ll fill you in on her later. The point is, being reckless was fun a few years ago, but not so much anymore. He’d just reamed me out before I came back to the bunk, so when you told me about Cleo, I snapped.”
“What did he bollock you about?”
“Nothing,” she sighs, “really nothing, he was just looking for someone to be a dick to.”
“Kit, I need you to know, I’m not leading Cleo on. Don’t get me wrong, I understand why you think that’s the case, but please trust me when I say there’s something different about her. It goes beyond my bruised ego and libido. I…I can talk to her, and we have some things in common.”