Chapter 22 Cleo
Cleo
I’m already in too deep with River and we’ve only been officially dating for a few days.
I’m ridiculous.
I’ve reasoned that my feelings are strong because of our proximity. We’re practically living with each other. I can’t go more than a few hours without either seeing her, working alongside someone who knows her, or thinking about her.
But what if proximity isn’t the only reason my feelings are deepening at an alarming rate? What if River differs from all the other women I’ve shared my time and energy with…even if she is a sailor and therefore not good for me?
My worry is that I’ll never know the answer to my question until we’re apart.
There’s no way to get clarity of mind when I can’t escape her.
I’m not trying to be dramatic…but cautious.
My promise to have two feet firmly planted in our dating experiment instead of one foot already out the door is important.
I get that, but so is being realistic. Our situation on board is not going to be our future forever.
I’ll go home and River will continue to be a sailor.
How can our relationship translate to the real world?
Plenty of sailors have partners and families. I’m just wondering if it’s possible for us, too. Can I see myself as a sailor’s wife? I know I’m getting ahead of myself, however I’ve always been sure of what I want in a partnership. I want the long-lasting kind of love we see in movies and books.
I can’t help but look to the future. Obviously, I won’t say anything to River.
She’s strictly on a day-by-day basis at the minute, which is absolutely how I should be thinking, and I’m trying…
I really am. My brain is just hardwired to dig into things until every possibility has been analysed and laid bare.
Frustrated with myself, I call Honor. I don’t love that I have to run to her every time my brain decides to go off on a tangent.
“Freaking out?” she says as soon as the line connects.
I groan down the line, and she laughs. I’m becoming far too predictable.
“Cleo, relax. Tell Honor what the problem is.”
“It’s weird to refer to yourself in the third person, sweetie.”
“And yet I have. Now, spill the tea.”
“I’m going on a second date with her.”
“The first date went well then? I only ask because you haven’t fulfilled your end of the best friend agreement and already filled me in on your exciting news.”
Chuckling, I put the phone on speaker. “As I said before, I can’t just call you all the time. I have a job, you know.”
“Cleo, you could have literally sent me a text and it would’ve sufficed!”
“I…”
“Alright, alright. Back to the issue at hand.”
“I really like her, Honor. I told myself I’d be sensible, but—”
“Your heart didn’t get the memo, huh?”
“Something like that. We had another talk, and River was just so lovely. I think she really is in this, like I’m starting to believe it might not end in catastrophe.”
“Okay, so why the freak-out?”
“Because now I’m thinking about the future!” I all but shout in frustration. “What happens after we return to Portsmouth? We live totally different lives, Honor. How could it possibly work?”
“I’m guessing like the other thousands of relationships between a sailor and their other half.”
“Yeah, but they knew what they were getting into.”
Honor snorts. “And you didn’t? Cleo, you were always going to end up with a sailor and you know it.
You may have tried to ditch any connection you have with the Navy, but it will always be there.
Honestly, honey, I think you need to get a few things straight in your head if you want this relationship to work with River.
The woman doesn’t stand a chance with your head stuck in the past.”
“What do you mean?”
“Your dad was an arsehole to you and your mum. He chose his career, but that doesn’t mean every person who joins the military is the same.
Your ex was a cheating piece of shit, but that doesn’t mean every woman is the same.
Until you come at this relationship with a clean slate, you’re always going to be creating issues for yourself.
Has River done anything so far to make you question her promise or motivations? ”
“No,” I say quietly, feeling chastised.
“Then that is all you need to be thinking about right now. Plus, and I say this with love, Cleo. You’re not perfect. No one is, so stop expecting perfection from other people.”
“Hey now, that’s a little unfair.”
“Is it? So far all you’ve done is worry about River’s less than favourable qualities.
And I get it because you were hurt. But she’s showing you who she really is and yet you’re still trying to sabotage her and your relationship.
You’re so used to digging up lies and uncovering all the bad things, I think you’ve forgotten how to be happy when something good happens to you.
You don’t need to go digging this time, Cleo. ”
I open and close my mouth a few times, imitating a fish, because I don’t know what to say.
“If things with River are good, and you both feel your relationship is worth sticking with, then you’ll talk about the future. That time isn’t now, and it’s not on you to decide for her. You’ll do it together! So stop questioning and start enjoying.”
Blowing out a raspberry, I nod to myself. Honor is right again. God, I should start paying her to be my life coach or something.
“I think I owe you several bottles of wine when I get home,” I joke.
“Yes, you do,” she replies easily. “Are you okay now?”
“Yes. Thank you…again.”
“Good. Any other gossip? I’m rather bored.”
“No more hunky gym buddy?”
“No, he started to get clingy.”
Laughing, I scoop up my notepad and camera. “There is more gossip, but I need to verify a few more things before I tell you.”
“Oh, juicy. Are you on to something big?”
“Possibly. Now I need to go and interview a pilot and a lieutenant.”
“Go be wonderful. I want a message after your second date, though. No excuses, Cleo.”
“Understood. Speak soon.”
The conversation with Honor is safely stowed at the back of my mind, but not completely forgotten. I’ll process her advice properly once I’ve got the next interviews done.
Flying Officer Alcott is on my radar today, as well as Lieutenant Pierce.
I’ve worked through a decent number of interviews already and am pretty happy with the result.
It’s nice to have the trust of the crew, which wasn’t expected if I’m being honest. I’d geared myself up for flat, minimally answered questions, but every interview I’ve conducted has been to the contrary.
The crew have opened up to me and told me about their personal reasons for joining the Royal Navy.
They all have a common thread, though, and that’s camaraderie.
It seems nothing is as important as the friendships they’ve built.
Some crew members’ relationships stem from the first day of training and are more like family members to each other now.
Other crewmates have only been a part of each other’s lives for a few months, but the bonds are infallible. It’s quite beautiful to see.
I wonder if Lieutenant Pierce has the same outlook. Being a gay man joining the military can’t have been easy. I’m looking forward to talking to him.
First, though, Flying Officer Alcott, who is an extremely striking woman, to my utter joy. She’s not River Dawson good-looking, but damn, she cuts a fine figure in her flight suit.
We make eye contact as I walk across the flight deck towards her jet. A knowing smile curls at her lip as I approach. Clearly my appreciation of her hasn’t gone unnoticed.
There are no active flights taking place today, but the noise is still staggering. There’s no way I can get a decent interview out here.
“You must be Cleo,” she shouts confidently over the din.
This is a woman who owns her power.
“And you must be—”
“Alcott or Tasha. Whichever is fine.”
“It’s nice to meet you, Tasha.”
“Can you give me ten minutes to finish, and we’ll head inside to the officers’ lounge?”
“Sure,” I call back, happy to stand back and watch her do her thing.
Is there anything sexier than a confident woman?
River comes to mind as I ponder the thought.
She’s very sexy. My face heats as I remember our kiss.
Shaking myself back to reality, I wander around the jet, which is very impressive.
I find it fascinating that people fly the things.
They’re just so intimidating. Tasha catches me staring and smiles.
“She’s a beauty, isn’t she?”
“What type is she?”
“An F-35 fighter, and one of my favourite aircraft to fly.”
“Do you fly other jets?”
“Not for the Navy. I have a small Cessna at home, though. Great for a weekend jaunt around the English countryside. I’d bet you’d love it.”
Do I detect some flirting?
“Oh, and why’s that?”
She shrugs. “Just a hunch. I’d be happy to take you up one day.”
Like with all the crew who have long hair, Tasha has it slicked back into a bun. Unlike River’s dark locks, hers are blonde with highlights. There I go again, thinking of River.
Bypassing her remark, I simply smile and continue my observations. Tasha doesn’t say anything more until she’s finished her checks and is ready to go inside.
“How about we go to the coffee lounge instead of the officers’?” she asks when we step inside.
“Lead the way.”
I’m ninety percent of the way through the interview when I hear Cheddar’s laughter. I spot her, Kit, and River walking in and over to the counter. As much as I would love to join them, I’m still in reporter mode, so I stay put listening to Tasha.
She’s an accomplished woman with enviable life stories.
Her father, grandfather and great-grandfather were all pilots.
It’s a family tradition she is proud to continue, and the love she exudes towards the military is clearly deep-rooted.
Through our chat, I’ve discovered she is queer, which isn’t a surprise.
I think she mentions her exes just to make it obvious to me, so I’m expecting a little more flirting once the interview is over.
As she continues to speak, my eyes flick over to River and her friends.
Kit and Cheddar are laughing together, but River is looking right at me with furrowed brows.
I want to ask her what’s wrong, but I’m still interviewing Tasha.
We continue for a few more minutes and I’m able to actually listen to what she says and make some more notes without getting distracted.
I laugh along as she tells me stories of her time on board.
Like every other person I’ve interviewed, her sense of love and loyalty to her crewmates is impressive.
She’s a very tactile woman, which I don’t mind because it means she’s comfortable with me and that’s the best way to get an honest and intimate interview.
We finally wrap up and, as predicted, Tasha slips on a cheeky smile before leaning a little closer and laying her hand on my forearm. “Fancy getting a drink together when we dock back in Portsmouth?”
“We’ve still got a few weeks before that happens.”
She lifts an eyebrow. “That wasn’t a no.”
Chuckling, I slip my notebook off the table and sling the camera strap around my neck. “It wasn’t a yes either.”
I want to say no, because as lovely as Tasha is as a person, my interest lies with only one sailor aboard this ship.
However, I’m reluctant to decline outright because I don’t want her enquiring into my personal life.
I need to keep this strictly business with at least one fucking person on this tub!
Lord knows I’ve failed miserably with River… and her friends.
“I’ll take it as a maybe then.” She smiles. “It was lovely talking to you, Cleo.”
We shake hands, and she leaves. I turn towards River, but she’s not there. Shame really, I could have done with a little Romeo time.