Chapter 31
River
There is no plan. Even after three days, Cleo and I have nothing.
Grey has me over a barrel and she knows it.
A part of me thinks I should forget I ever saw Benson’s pale arse anywhere near Grey.
Why should I get myself involved when I don’t need to?
If I keep my mouth shut, no one gets hurt, right?
My inner voice scoffs at me because I’m coming up with excuses.
Benson, regardless of his bigotry, is breaking the rules.
He’s taking advantage of Grey even if she is consenting.
He is a higher rank than her and therefore holds the power.
No matter what Grey thinks, he is in the wrong.
Another thought occurs to me as I’m mulling the whole shitshow over in my head.
What if this isn’t the first time he’s slept with a lower-ranking crew member?
I have no proof, but Benson loves power.
I think he gets off on holding it over people, and lord knows I can see him loving the idea of having a lower rank literally beneath him.
Cleo and I have kept our distance for the past seventy-two hours, and I am glad of it because I can do what I need to do without her trying to talk me out of it.
The reason we don’t have a plan is because there are only two options.
Option one, I comply with Grey and Benson’s threat, which makes me complicit in their shit, and the thought makes me want to gag.
Option two, I come clean to the captain about everything.
I’m sure I’ll end up being disciplined. I can’t imagine it would go much further than a reprimand because Cleo is a civilian, although she is under the care of the Royal Navy and the captain could quite possibly want to make an example out of me.
Okay, so I could get more than a reprimand, and I hate the thought, but I can’t in good conscience keep Benson’s behaviour to myself.
If we were still taking part in training, I wouldn’t rush the decision.
But we are no longer on assignment, and Cleo lacks the time for a thorough investigation into Benson, so my only choice is to rely on the captain’s impartiality to make the right decision.
I’ll tell her my truth and see what happens.
The worst part of all this is the time I could be spending with Cleo, even in an official capacity, is non-existent. We decided it was best to create a bit of space as to not give Grey any more ammunition.
My shift ends, and although I want to go and shower, I need to speak to the captain before I lose the nerve.
Cleo, Kit, Boot, and Cheddar are going to be pissed, but I’ll make sure the captain knows none of it is their fault.
Hell, I was the one to pursue Cleo in the first place, so the responsibility lands squarely on my shoulders.
The captain’s office door has never felt so intimidating before. I’d only ever had to visit one time before, and it was fleeting. I get the feeling I’m going to be in there a while this time around.
Knocking, I wait for my invitation to enter. Captain Morley is behind her desk looking over some charts, reading glasses balanced on the end of her nose.
“Good morning, ma’am.” My voice wobbles enough for the captain to notice. She pushes her glasses into her hair and sits back in her office chair.
“Dawson, what can I do for you?”
I’m lucky I was able to see her without running into her secretary. It’s like the universe is telling me I’m doing the right thing.
“May I sit?”
She cocks her head and assesses me. I’m treading a thin line by asking before being offered to sit down, but in all honesty I’m worried my legs are going to give out. She nods and I sink into the chair.
“Out with it,” she says, and I appreciate her forthrightness.
I launch into the whole saga, starting with how I met Cleo before she joined the ship.
Sparing no detail—except for the sex part, I divulge everything.
What have I got to lose? If I’ve got a cat in hell’s chance of her believing me over a senior crew member, I can’t afford to be anything but transparent.
My leg bounces up and down as I wait for the captain to say something. It’s been an awkward few minutes. That’s right, I said minutes…several of them. My ears have locked on the constant buzzing in the room, and it’s slowly driving me insane.
Is she disappointed? Angry? Does she think I’m a complete idiot for sleeping with the admiral’s daughter? Does she think I’m a coward for not reporting Benson sooner?
The silence stretches on, and I feel like I’m drowning in it.
When Captain Morley finally slams her hand down and curses, I go rigid, waiting for her to lower the axe on my career.
“Christ almighty, Dawson.”
Yeah, that’s fair.
“Of all the people to become intimate with, you chose the daughter of the fucking admiral!”
It’s not a question, but a stupefied statement.
“Yes, ma’am.”
She flares her nostrils and taps her finger on the desk. “I do, however, appreciate the courage it took to come forward, even though you’ve been remiss in your decision making lately.”
Again…fair.
“Trust that I heard you and will be looking into the information you have given me,” she finishes.
Well, that’s something. I can’t really ask her for more.
“However…”
Ah, shit!
“I cannot overlook your incredible lack of judgement where Ms Carter is concerned, Dawson. There is a no fraternising rule aboard my ship, as you well know. I grant that it’s a little different with Ms Carter being a civilian, however she is still under my care.”
“May I speak freely, ma’am?” Fuck it, I’m already in the shit. I might as well say what I need to say.
“You may.”
“I understand I broke the rules, and for that I am sorry.”
“I sense a but in there somewhere, Dawson.”
“But.” I grin. “Cleo means a lot to me. This isn’t a fling.”
“As lovely as that is, it’s not really the point, is it?”
“No, it’s not. May I ask for leniency on my bunkies?”
Captain Morley grins. “Dawson, I’m not about to send you to the gallows. Calm down. Your crewmates were being good friends, I won’t punish them for that.”
“Thank you.”
“You realise I will have to report all of this to the admiral, right?”
I sigh. “I figured.”
“Of all the women,” she says, shaking her head. “We are a few days from making port. You will not engage in any kind of relationship with Ms Carter, is that clear?”
I swallow back my disappointment. “I understand.”
“It’s likely we will be in Portsmouth for a prolonged amount of time as the ship is inspected. The crew will be given additional shore leave. You will not.”
Cancelled leave isn’t the worst thing. I’ve had it taken off me before. Granted by Benson, and I’m ninety percent sure now it wasn’t sanctioned.
“As for the admiral. I can’t promise you he won’t request the transgression be permanently added to your personnel file.”
That would suck. A serious transgression in your personnel file can affect future promotions.
“I accept the consequences. May I ask for one thing?”
“Go ahead.”
“Can I tell Cleo? Sorry, Ms Carter. She doesn’t know I’m here, and I’d like to be the one to explain.”
“Granted. After that, I don’t want to see you within ten feet of her.”
“Yes, ma’am.”
“Any other potentially devastating news you’d like to share?”
“No, Captain.”
“Good. Dismissed. Keep your nose clean, Dawson.”
“Yes, Captain.”
My legs feel like jelly when I step out of the captain’s office.
My crewmates have no idea the turmoil I’m in as they go about their day.
I can take any punishment the admiral wants to tack on when we get to port, that’s not the problem.
The problem is knowing I’ve blown the remaining time I had with Cleo clear out of the water.
If I want the captain to take my claim seriously, I can’t defy her orders.
It takes me an hour to locate Cleo. She’s chatting with Ruby, of all people, in the aft galley. I make my way over and try to put a convincing smile on my face. The way Cleo looks at me makes me think she saw through it.
“Romeo, hey there, sugar,” Ruby says with a wink.
I roll my eyes and grin. “Ruby. Sorry to interrupt, but I need to steal Cleo.”
“Everything okay?” Cleo asks.
Instead of answering, I smile and wait. Cleo bids Ruby goodbye and follows me back to her cabin.
“Hey,” Cleo says, stepping into my personal space as soon as we’re alone. My body reacts immediately and the crushing weight of what I’m about to do almost physically hurts.
“Cleo,” I begin. I have to take a step back because I can’t do this with her touching me. “I—”
“River, you’re kind of scaring me. Did something happen?”
I guide her to the bed and sit her down. I, on the other hand, pace the small space.
Eventually, Cleo has enough of my silent meltdown and puts a hand on my arm, stopping me in place.
I take a second to really look at her, in the way I won’t be able to after this conversation.
Her hair is held lazily in a bun at the base of her neck.
Her eyes are bright but filled with concern.
My eyes track over skin, and I memorise as much as possible.
“I told the captain…everything.”
Her eyes go wide and her brows lift to her hairline. “You did what?”
“I came clean. It was the only option.”
“No, River, it wasn’t!”
“Really? Please enlighten me to the option I missed which would’ve made all this any less impossible!” I don’t mean to snap, but my nerves are frayed.
“You didn’t think to at least give me a heads up first?” she practically yells.
“No, because you’d have talked me out of it.”
“Maybe you should have been talked out of it. Fucking hell, River.”
“Look,” I snap. “This is my life, Cleo. Once the ship docks you leave and go back to your life. I’m still here with Benson and Grey.”
“But you know I would have continued to—”
“Investigate? Great, and how would that have helped when I’m away with them for months at a time, and you don’t have access to the people who can provide any proof that Benson is a homophobic scumbag?
And where would I be if either of them suddenly decided to make good on their threat to spread our text chain?
Even if it was to the other crew and not the officers, I’d been smack in the middle of shitty gossip. ”
“River.”
“Am I wrong?”
“But I could’ve gone with you to see Captain Morley. Help explain the situation.”
“That would’ve looked like you were there trying to defend your girlfriend. It had to be me.”
“What did Morley say?”
“She took what I told her about Benson and Grey seriously.”
“Well, that’s good. I still intend to talk to her, because I do have a stake in this. Benson is a bigger problem than sleeping with Grey.”
“I agree.”
“And,” she sighs, “what about—”
“Me sleeping with the admiral’s daughter? Yeah, it didn’t go down well.”
“Shit, are you in trouble?”
I shrug. “Honestly it could’ve been worse. I’ll miss out on shore leave and I’m positive I’ll have to face your father.”
“Jesus Christ,” she grumbles.
“And…”
“And?”
“We have to stay away from each other. I’m no longer your guide. The captain made her stance on us very clear. I can’t defy her orders, Cleo.”
“So what, that’s it?”
A lump forms in my throat. “Until we get back to shore and you no longer fall under the Royal Navy’s care.”
“That’s not so bad, right? I mean, we’re only a few days from docking.”
I don’t think she fully grasps what we’re up against. Not only will I have to face her father when we get back, I’ll be on a seven-month deployment without the chance to see her before we ship out. What chance do we have?