7. Stefan
STEFAN
The hardest thing about trying to figure out this whole dad thing was that my own had never provided much of an example.
Growing up motherless in my father’s house, I’d learned early on that his responsibilities included putting a roof over his kids’ heads and meals on the table—any needs we had beyond that were best met by anyone else but him.
Looking back, I couldn’t help wondering what my childhood would have been like if I’d had the kind of dad who was around more, who took me to Cubs games or encouraged me to join the Boy Scouts or even just showed up once in a while for school plays or feigned interest in my model planes.
I’d grown up so fast and buried my feelings for so long that I was only now starting to realize how much it had affected me.
But it wouldn’t do any good to dwell on it. It was time to step up.
“Welcome to the Brookfield Zoo,” the employee at the ticket counter said, his voice crackling through the speaker in the glass divider.
“Three tickets, please,” I said. “One—no, two adult—and one child admission.”
I slid my card across the counter and the employee swiped it, slid it back to me, and smiled as the tickets printed out.
“Have a great day with your family,” he said, passing me the tickets along with a map.
For a moment I froze, the word practically knocking the wind out of me. My family.
“Sir?” he said. “You need something else?”
“Uh, no. Thank you. I’m great,” I said, shuffling away.
Family. I had a family now. Tori was my family, and obviously so were the Zorics, both immediate and extended. But this kid made me the head of my own little clan—Max was the first of my bloodline. It was wild.
Map and tickets in hand, I went back and stood at the front gates of the zoo, waiting for Anja and Max.
I saw families of all kinds, nannies pushing babies in strollers, older folks with their grandkids, a few school groups all lined up in their bright colored coats.
I felt out of place in my suit and tie. Everyone else was dressed casually, and even though the day was warm for November, I saw a variety of mismatched hats, scarves, and gloves.
Still, this was who I was. Professional, put-together, buttoned-up.
Thinking better of it, I took off my tie and slipped it into my coat pocket. The last thing I wanted to do was intimidate my kid.
I checked my watch and tried not to start pacing, tried not to get cold feet.
People talked about maternal instincts, but you didn’t often hear about paternal ones. Was I cut out for fatherhood? I just wasn’t sure. All I could do was give it my best shot.
Pulling out my phone, I was about to call Anja and see where they were, but when I looked up I saw her and Max walking toward me through the parking lot.
She looked classy and sleek in head-to-toe black and big sunglasses, her hair pulled back in a ponytail, and Max was wearing a red puffer jacket and matching hat, his dark hair curling out from the bottom.
When they came up to me, Anja stepped to the side and said, “Max, I want you to meet Stefan. He’s Mommy’s old friend. A man who’s always been important to me.”
Her words were like a knife to the gut. Suddenly I felt like I was the one who’d given up on her, who hadn’t been around when she needed me most. I should have found her.
Should have fought harder to get her back.
But if I had, I wouldn’t have Tori now. And I couldn’t imagine my life without her.
I hoped to god I wasn’t losing her. That this wasn’t all a mistake.
“Hello,” I said, resisting the urge to kneel, trying not to tower over the boy.
Max looked up at me, studying my face curiously for a moment, and then grinned shyly, revealing a missing front tooth. “Hi. I’m Max.”
Then he stuck out a small hand for me to shake. I was completely undone.
“Good to meet you, Max,” I said, shaking his hand firmly but gently.
Up close I could see how much he resembled Anja—he had her same wide-set eyes and high cheekbones, the same exact shape of the ears. Like most young kids, he also had round cheeks and a snub nose, his with a spray of freckles across it. Objectively speaking, he really was adorable.
“I got us tickets already,” I said pulling them out, “so why don’t we head inside and check out some of these animals? Max, you want to look at the map?”
“Sure,” he said, taking it from me and studying it. “Hey, look, there’s a swamp in here!”
“Wow,” Anja said. “You’re gonna get to see some big alligators.”
“Uh huh,” he said, flashing that shy grin again.
“You’re into alligators?” I asked him.
He nodded. “Yup. Did you know that their ancestors were dinosaurs?” he informed me solemnly.
“That makes sense,” I said, scrambling to keep our conversation going. “You, uh, you like dinosaurs?”
“Of course,” Max said. “Come on.”
With that, he charged into the zoo.
Inside, Anja kept a hand on Max’s shoulder to guide him while he pored over the map, and I kept a little distance.
I had no idea what I was doing—kid stuff was new to me.
Even hanging out with my siblings when we were little, it never felt like I was doing much besides taking their lead.
Pushing toy cars or plastic dragons around on the carpet with Emzee or riding bikes with Luka.
Reading books out loud to them once I started school and got a library card.
“Do you like dinosaurs?” Max asked, looking at me over his shoulder.
“Yeah,” I said. “I mean, I used to.”
That seemed to relax him in a big way, and I saw him nodding to himself as he fell in step beside me.
“So what’s your favorite? My mom’s is the pterodactyl because it can fly.”
Anja shot me a little smile, as if apologizing. But it didn’t bother me. The more he was able to open up, the more I’d learn about him, and the easier it’d be to engage. I could only imagine how awkward the day would be if the conversation was all on me.
“Probably a T. rex,” I said. “King of the dinos.”
Max nodded. “Yeah, but not the biggest. Gigantosaurus was bigger.”
“Giganotosaurus,” Anja corrected.
“That’s what I said,” Max huffed. “Spinosaurus was bigger, too. That’s my favorite ‘cause they could swim. They had these spikes all over their back to keep off predators.”
I had to smile. My kid was an encyclopedia. He definitely didn’t get that from me.
“The Swamp!” he announced, pointing at the building with its triangular rooftop and triple-arched entryway. “We made it.”
Heading into the building, we were immediately hit with a fug of warm, humid air, and the sound of running water. There were cypress trees and ferns and palms, the light filtered as if we really were walking through a swamp. It was a whole ecosystem. Max loved it.
After that initial walk through the swamp building, we rode the carousel and went into the butterfly enclosure, per Anja’s request. The day seemed to get easier, with Max getting less shy with each new experience, excited to talk to me about every new animal we saw.
We took a break to have a pizza lunch, followed by Dippin’ Dots—Max insisted, despite the cool weather, telling Anja, “It’s not for me, it’s for my friend.
We can share!”—and my chest felt tight as I realized Max’s ‘friend’ was me.
As we strolled around the Reptiles and Birds building, taking in the Komodo dragons, iguanas, and lizards, I couldn’t help feeling proud of the kid Max had turned out to be. Anja deserved a lot of credit for raising him so well.
Despite everything, I felt myself softening toward her.
A little. Even though I didn’t agree with what she had done and why she had chosen to keep her location and Max a secret from me for all these years, I could understand—given my involvement with KZM—why she had.
I could also imagine that even with my father’s money and support, it hadn’t been easy to raise Max on her own.
That didn’t mean anything was going to happen between the two of us, though.
“Re-tic-u-lated python,” Max read out loud. “It’s the world’s longest snake. Cool!”
I looked into the enclosure alongside him and smiled. “That is pretty cool. Why do you think he’s got that pattern on him?”
“It’s for camouflage,” he said. “A lot of animals have it. It’s like a disguise.”
Anja and I watched proudly as Max went from one tank to the next, reading the plaques next to the enclosures to us. Occasionally I’d help him spot scaly animals that were hiding out in corners or under rocks, away from prying eyes. He was having a blast.
Max was so sweet, so genuinely good, and so curious about everything around him.
Nothing like me as a kid. Losing my mom when I was six had made me turn inward, and I’d been fairly closed-off emotionally, and resistant to authority figures.
I was so glad Max wasn’t like that. In fact, the more I thought about it, the more he reminded me of Tori.
He had the same bright intelligence, inquisitive nature, and kind heart.
Then again, everything reminded me of Tori. No matter what I did or where I was, my thoughts always seemed to return to her.
Not for the first time that day, I wished she was here with us.
That she was the woman at my side. She’d know exactly what to say, how to act around a kid like Max.
In fact, she’d probably be great at it. I checked my phone again, hoping for a response, hoping for any indication that she had gotten my message. Nothing.
“Hey, buddy—you wanna go see the Big Cats?” Max was saying, interrupting my thoughts. He held up the map, now scrunched and limp in his fist, and pointed. “There’s lions.”
He was calling me his buddy. “Sure,” I said.
“Let’s go!” he exclaimed, taking my hand and dragging me along.
I looked back at Anja and she just shrugged and smiled, trailing us in her heels. It was obvious by the way she interacted with Max that she loved him. That she’d do anything for him.
“You two go ahead,” she said. “I’ll catch up.”
As we left the reptiles and birds behind, I realized that Anja had been especially quiet all day, even deferring to me if Max asked her a question about the exhibits. She was letting me get to know him, one-on-one. I appreciated that.
Walking hand-in-hand with my kid, it was hard not to dwell on all the lost time. His entire life, I’d been a stranger to him—hell, I still was—when I could have been there for him. Could have been his father. A real father.
My heart twisted. I’d never thought much about being a parent or having a family, but spending the day with Max was forcing me to think about what I wanted. And that was to have a solid relationship with my son—and any future kids I might have. But what did Tori want?
“Looks like you found the lions,” I told Max as we stopped in front of the enclosure.
A pride of females lounged, some blinking in our direction, others stretched out for a nap. The male was further off, perched on a rock.
“In the wild,” I said, “the females do all the hunting. They’re fierce.”
“My mom’s like that too,” Max said seriously.
Anja came up behind us then, and Max stretched out his free hand to grab hers.
With our kid in the middle, holding onto both of us, and the content smiles on all our faces, we probably looked like the picture of a happy, perfect family to anyone who was walking by.
No one would guess that this was my first formal outing with my child, that he still didn’t know I was his father, and that his mother had been hiding from me for almost the last decade.
Still, it didn’t matter what anyone else thought. I knew the true score.
I glanced down at Max. “You want to check out the tigers?”
“Yeah!”
The rapid click of a camera sounded from my right and my head snapped instantly in that direction.
A young man was casually turning away, tucking something into the black bag at his hip.
A camera? It had sounded like he was taking pictures, but this was a zoo and there were plenty of people taking photos all around us with their phones or digital cameras.
Max had already run off toward the tigers, and Anja was chasing him down. I followed after them, trying to ignore the uneasy feeling in my chest.
This wouldn’t be the first time someone had tried to photograph me while I was out in public.
I wasn’t famous, per se, but I was definitely recognizable due to the high profile of KZ Modeling.
The agency was never far from the public eye, and that meant occasionally getting recognized or having people attempt stealthy cell phone pictures that would sometimes end up on the gossip sites.
Usually Luka (drunk and disorderly) or Emzee (glammed up for an event or an art show) was the target, though, not me.
The worst was when the photos showed up on the internet immediately.
I was a private person, and it always felt so invasive.
Thank god I’d texted Tori earlier about my plans. I’d hate for her to see any images of Anja and Max and I today and get the wrong idea.
I checked my phone again, but there was still no response from her. I tried not to read into it too much, but given her behavior that morning, I couldn’t help wondering if she was ignoring me on purpose. If our marriage had crossed a line last night, and there was no going back.