Chapter 2
Chapter Two
REMEMBER TO brEATHE
M y first day back at school was as uneventful as I could’ve hoped for. Which, in my case, was always a good thing. An uneventful day meant there were no medical emergencies. As far as being back around my classmates, well, it went better than I expected. I don’t know if they actually missed me, but most seemed like they were happy to see me back.
Most of them were probably just glad they didn’t have to attend a funeral for someone they had been going to school with for their entire lives.
There was always this weird sense of impending doom, but I wasn’t the one who felt it. I had lived my entire life knowing that my expiration date was much sooner than everyone else’s. It wasn’t easy to accept as I entered my teenage years, but it was something that I’d come to terms with. It had just become a part of my life I didn’t pay much attention to anymore.
I mean, after all, we were all going to die eventually.
On the other hand, everyone who surrounded me were the ones who had the impending doom. Each time I ended up in the hospital, it was like everyone was bracing themselves for me to not come home again.
I was exhausted by the time Oliver carried my things back to his car at the end of the day. The movement of his driving lulled me to sleep and when I woke up, we were already at my house. Oliver leaned over through the door, his arms sliding underneath my arms as he helped me to my feet.
“I can walk, Ollie,” I murmured, trying to muster the strength to push him away from me. Oliver didn't dare budge as he held onto me firmly. Once he had me steady on my feet, he slid an arm around my waist and helped me walk up to the house.
My mother was already waiting with the door held open for the two of us, and Tank was standing by her side. As Oliver walked me inside, I noticed all of my bags were already sitting in their respective spots. My heartbeat was erratic in my chest and my legs felt unsteady as he helped me into the living room and lowered me onto the couch.
“You good, Looney Tune?” His voice was soft and gentle, and it felt like a soothing blanket against my eardrums.
I couldn’t fight the grin that spread across my lips as he used my childhood nickname. The smile didn’t quite reach my eyes, but it was still there as it always was for him. “I’m good,” I assured him, settling deeper into the couch as I took a deep breath.
Tank climbed onto the other end of the couch and rested his head on my hip. Only then did it register in my mind that air was passing through my trach without any issues.
Reaching for the end of it, I realized my speaking valve wasn’t on there and instead was replaced with an HME—which stands for humidity moisture exchange. It’s a small barrel-shaped piece that is connected to the end of a tracheostomy tube. It was used to add moisture to the air as it was inhaled directly into my lungs.
Another thing most people don’t think about is when you breathe through your mouth and your nose, the air you inhale is warmed and there is moisture to humidify it by the time it reaches your lungs. Breathing directly through a tube, I didn’t have that ease with the air that passed through it.
“Where’s my speaking valve?” I questioned Ollie, feeling a little panicked. Insurance only covered one so it’s not something I was in the habit of losing. It could have easily come off when I fell asleep in his car.
Ollie gives me a shy smile. “I took it off as soon as I noticed you fell asleep. I saw you had an HME in the side pocket of your backpack, so I put that on.”
My heart clenched and not from anything related to my health conditions. A warmth flooded me, and I could feel the heat as it crept onto my cheeks. Oliver Hart has always been my safe place. And he would be the one to think of something like that, even though he was supposed to be focused on driving.
“Thank you,” I breathed, my heart still pounding in my chest. “I really appreciate you doing that.”
When I was asleep, most times I was supposed to be on my ventilator. A short car ride home wasn’t that big of a deal. But if I would have slept with the speaking valve on, that could have caused some problems. With the way I struggled with a lack of breathing while asleep, I could have easily been deprived of the oxygen my body needed.
I shuddered at the thought. I had gone into respiratory arrest before and had to receive CPR on multiple occasions. The last thing I would ever want is for my best friend to have to revive me. I would want him to save my life, but I wouldn’t want him to live with that trauma.
“You don’t have to thank me, Luna.” He smiled again, grabbing a blanket from the back of the couch before draping it over me. “That’s what I’m here for.”
A frown pulled down on the corners of my lips. “You’re not here to take care of me. You’re my friend, not my nurse.”
Oliver sat down on the edge of the couch, careful to not sit on my legs. “That’s not what I’m saying. But that’s what friends are for—to help each other out when they need it.”
I knew he was right, but sometimes I couldn’t help but be stubborn. A majority of my life has been spent relying on other people to care for me. My dignity had been stripped from me at a young age. I had no control or autonomy. Now that I could do things myself, all I wanted was complete control.
Sometimes it was easy to forget I could still lean on others when I needed the support.
“Sorry, Ollie,” I told him, the regret heavy in my tone. “I wasn’t trying to be an ass. I just don’t want you to feel like you need to do things for me.”
“And I don’t,” he assured me as he tilted his head to the side. I watched his perfect eyebrow arch up at me. “Would you have rather I left it on and watched you turn blue instead?”
“Oliver Hart,” my mother quietly scolded him from where she stood in the doorway. Her arms were crossed over her chest and her eyes narrowed at him in disapproval.
“No, mom,” I interjected before she had a chance to say anything more. “He’s right. I’m sorry, I should be thanking you instead.”
Oliver flashed his infamous smile at me and winked. “You already did, Looney Tune. And you’re welcome.” He leaned over and rested his hand on the side of my face for a moment. His palm was warm against my skin, and I could feel him draining the oxygen from the room. “You get some rest and I’ll see you in the morning.”
And just like that, his hand was leaving my face as he rose to his feet. He smiled down at me once more before disappearing from the room. My lungs expanded as soon as I heard the front door close, and I let my eyelids fall shut as I focused on my breathing.
“Oliver is a good kid, but sometimes I want to slap him upside the head.”
My eyelids lifted as I looked up at my mom. “He didn’t do anything wrong. I like it when he doesn’t treat me like I’m fragile.”
“I know,” she said with resignation in her voice. My mother had never treated me any differently than my siblings in terms of the way she parented. But the fact that I had complex medical needs, I got a lot of free passes on certain things. “Sometimes he just comes off a little insensitive with the way he talks.” She paused for a moment, pursing her lips. “I hate that you both have the same dark sense of humor.”
A soft chuckle slipped from my lips as I felt my eyelids growing heavy again. “I guess that’s just something trauma will do to you. There’s nothing wrong with being blunt and realistic.”
My mother stared at me for a moment, her expression unreadable. “Why don’t you take a nap while I make some dinner? I’ll grab your vent for you.”
The thought made my heart sink, but I nodded. It was like a damn crutch I couldn’t get through life without. As much as I hated having to use the ventilator, I was grateful it wasn’t for twenty-four hours a day like it was at one point.
Unable to fight against the sleep that threatened to pull me under, I mumbled a thank you to my mother as she turned on the ventilator and hooked it up to the tube in my trachea.
I snuggled against Tank, feeling his warmth and familiar smell. The exhaustion hit me harder than it had in a while, and the whooshing sound of air lulled me to sleep as thoughts of the boy with sage green eyes who lived next door swirled around in my mind.