Chapter 5
Chapter Five
SUNSHINE AND GUILT
T he soft whooshing sound of the air from the ventilator filled the room as I slowly peeled open my eyes. Tank nuzzled his head against my thigh, and I reached down to pet his head. I stared up at the ceiling of my bedroom for a moment, listening to the machine as it switched into a different mode. It was a newer style of ventilator, so it delivered breaths depending on what the patient needed.
When I was sleeping my body would sometimes forget to breathe, and that’s when the vent would kick in and do the job for me. Now that I was awake, it no longer served a purpose since my body had begun to do all of the work. I slowly sat up and swung my legs over the edge of the bed before rising to my feet.
I unhooked myself from the machine, turned everything off and went about my morning routine. It was ingrained in my brain and a part of my everyday life. It was like second nature, and I didn’t really pay it much attention as I went through the motions. Since it was Sunday morning, I didn’t bother getting changed and headed downstairs to the kitchen in my pajamas.
My mother was already down there, and I paused in the doorway as I watched her hovering by the stove. She flipped the eggs in the pan in front of her before turning around and noticing me.
“Good morning, sunshine and good morning, Tank.” She smiled at me and my dog. She was looking thinner than she had in the past and her hair was pulled back in a low ponytail. I hated the way she looked like she was aging faster than she should be. She was only in her forties but life with a sick child had really taken a toll on her. “Grab a seat at the table and I’ll bring breakfast over.”
I wasn’t really hungry, but I wasn’t about to argue with her. I couldn’t do something like that when she worked as hard as she did to ensure I was properly taken care of.
“Where’s Dad?” I questioned her as I took my seat and poured myself a glass of water. There wasn’t a plate sitting at his seat and it made my heart sink.
“He had some work he had to attend to this morning. Since he took the day off yesterday, he told them he would come in today to finish the project he was working on.”
That was life for my father. The poor man worked six days a week just to make ends meet. Even though my mother was the one who usually stayed at the hospital with me while I was sick, he had exceeded his limit on personal days. He took off work, whenever he was able to, to be with me as well, and thankfully his employer was understanding of our life.
Since he was off yesterday to see me go to prom, now he had to work today to make up for it. It was just another thing that made me regretful for my life. I could see the strain it had put on our family over the years, and I couldn’t help but feel like a burden in moments like this.
“He’ll be home by lunchtime,” my mother assured me when she saw my facial expression. I had broken down before in the past and expressed these feelings to her. She could read me like a book, and I know it was written all over my face right now.
“Okay,” I responded, my voice quiet and hesitant. “I feel bad he had to go in today just because he was off yesterday.”
“Such is life, sunshine.” My mother offered me a sad smile. “He wouldn’t have missed yesterday for the world, so the tradeoff is completely worth it. How was prom? I know you were tired last night, so we didn’t really get to talk about it.”
I couldn’t fight the smile that consumed my lips. “It was amazing.”
Memories flooded my mind and my heart soared high through the clouds. It was possibly the best night I ever had. Oliver and I spent the night dancing to the different songs that came on and when I couldn’t keep up, he escorted me back to the table to rest.
“I found these pictures with your stuff,” she told me, handing the three photos from the photo booth to me. My eyes met hers while taking them from her. Her eyes glistened and she hastily wiped a tear away as it fell down her cheek. “Happiness looks good on you, sunshine.”
“That’s all everyone wants in life, right?” I asked her, my gaze dropping down to the photos in my hand. I mentally made a note to take pictures of them to send to Giana later. My stomach began to do an entire gymnastic routine as the feelings from last night hit me in a rush.
“That’s what everyone deserves,” my mother replied quietly. The emotion was thick in her words, and it settled in the air between us. “Are you happy, sweet girl? I know life hasn’t been the easiest, but I want you to be honest with me.”
I lifted my eyes back to hers, watching her as she sat down in the seat next to me. “I am. I really mean that,” I told her truthfully. “But sometimes, I can’t help but feel like I’m a burden to everyone around me.”
My mother reached toward me and took my hands in hers. “No one thinks that, Luna. You are a blessing in all of our lives, and we would be lost without you. Everyone has to make sacrifices in life and as a parent, I wouldn’t imagine it any other way.”
“I’m sorry for everything I’ve put you through.” My voice cracked around the words as tears pricked the corners of my eyes. Guilt overwhelmed me and I fought hard against it. “No parent should have to go through life wondering when their child is going to die.”
“Luna Mae.” My mother’s voice was stern, and she squeezed my hands lightly. “There is nothing you should ever apologize for. None of this is your fault.”
Tears streamed down the sides of my face, and I didn’t bother to hide the emotion as it tore through my body. “If I wouldn’t have been born, you never would have had to go through all of this.”
My mother’s face contorted, and she shook her head at me as her own tears mimicked mine. “If you wouldn’t have been born, our lives would have never been blessed the way they have been with you. You are my greatest joy in life, and I don’t want you to ever feel anything but good about that. We’ve had a lot of misfortune, but so much to be thankful about.”
“I know,” I responded as I pulled my hands from hers and wiped the tears away from my face. “Sometimes I just feel really bad about it all.”
“I can understand that, but don’t for once think we aren’t grateful for you. I would do it all over again if we had to, Luna.”
My gaze dropped down to the photos in my hand again. They captured the perfect moment—just two carefree teenagers at prom. No medical supplies in the background and nothing apparent except for the small tube poking out from the center of my throat. The happiness written on my expression is all I want to feel and for everyone around me to feel.
“The two of you looked good together last night,” my mother said as she looked at the pictures with me. “Oliver really is a great kid. You’re lucky to have a friend like him.”
“I know,” I agreed with her, feeling the emotion building again. “It just sucks he’ll be leaving at the end of the summer.”
My mother reached out to me, sliding her hand under my chin as she tipped it up to look at her. “That boy will never stray far from you, Luna. Even though he’s leaving for college, he’ll always be tethered to you.”
“How do you know that?” I asked her, feeling the fears of losing my best friend even though her words were supposed to assure me.
I watched her as she lifted herself from her seat and smiled down at me. “Your mother might know a thing or two,” she said with a wink. “Just look at the way he’s looking at you in those pictures, if you don’t believe me.”
He looked at me like I was the only thing that mattered in the world.
“Have the two of you talked about what you’re doing this summer?” my mother asked as she grabbed the food from the stove and brought it over to the table. “I’m sure Oliver has something up his sleeve to keep the two of you busy.”
I swallowed roughly, smiling up at my mother as she sat back down. “We’re actually going to work on checking off some things from my bucket list. Oliver insists we complete the entire list by the end of the summer.”
My mother smiled back at me, although there was a sadness to her voice. I had never mentioned my bucket list to her before this moment. “Of course he did.” She paused for a moment, her eyes desperately searching mine. “I didn’t know you had made a bucket list.”
“Oliver thinks I should make a new one every five years. But I’m not allowed to make a new one until I check all the boxes from the previous list.”
Her tongue darted out as she wet her lips and nodded at me. “I like that idea a lot.” There was still a lingering sadness, but I didn’t entertain it. People who were perfectly healthy made bucket lists too. They weren’t just reserved for people with a terminal illness.
“He wants this to be the best summer that we’ve ever had.”
My mother smiled back at me. “There’s no doubt in my mind he won’t go to the ends of the earth to make sure it happens.”
I smiled back at her, letting her words settle in my soul as she excused herself from the table for a moment. I watched her walk out of the room, but my mind was elsewhere. Lost in the boy who lived next door with the green eyes.
The one who would always make sure that my dreams came true—no matter what.