Chapter 6
Chapter Six
HATS TO THE SKY
T he last two weeks of my senior year of high school passed by in a blur. They went faster than I wanted them to and now we were finally at the day that really counted. It was time for graduation and to say goodbye to all of the people I spent the past thirteen years with. In a way, there was a sadness that hung heavily in the air that day, but at the same time, there was a shimmer of hope.
I had reached another milestone we were never sure I would get to experience. My parents had already seen both of my brothers graduate from high school, but that was expected with them. My life was so precarious, and we were constantly dealing with the uncertainty of the future.
But here we were. We finally reached the day, and no one knew it, but it was an item I had on my bucket list.
To most people, something this simple wouldn’t seem like a big deal, let alone something you would dedicate a spot to on your list of things you wanted to do before you die. To me, this was huge. It was bigger than anything I had ever accomplished in life. And I was ready to start the next chapter, even if no one could predict what that would look like.
I shifted my weight on my feet as I stood in line. My gown felt like it was suffocating my body as it hung heavily on my shoulders. It was a hot day for the beginning of June and the lightweight sundress I had on underneath wasn’t helping to cool my skin.
A bead of sweat rolled down the back of my neck, and I readjusted the loose curls around my shoulders. I listened as our superintendent called Oliver’s name and watched as he began his walk across the stage. The crowd of students and people who were in attendance went wild. Oliver was loved by so many, and it made my heart swell to see him getting the acknowledgment he deserved.
He was so much more than a smiling face and a kind person. He was quite literally everything. He was the one person who gave me hope in the world around us and in humanity itself. That there were people out there who genuinely cared, who could see past all the medical equipment and disabilities.
Tears filled my eyes as I watched him receive his diploma and shake the hands of the different teachers and the principal standing at the end of the line. It wasn’t every day you got to watch your best friend graduate high school. He worked his ass off to get to where he was, and I was so excited for what was to come in his future—even if it meant we weren’t going to be spending every waking moment together.
They went through the rest of the line until they finally reached my name. My stomach felt like it was going to fall to the floor and my heart pounded erratically in my chest as my name was called out through the microphone. Counting my steps, I was careful as I took each one across that stage. It felt like an eternity under the hot sun that hung above in the sky.
My lungs were screaming at me, as if they weren't getting the oxygen they so desperately needed. It was partially due to the heat, but more so because of my anxiety. This was it. It was like closing the last page to a book and having no idea of what to expect now. School had been a normalcy in my routine for years. I didn't like not knowing what to expect next.
By the time I collected my diploma, my surroundings came crashing back down around me. Instead of the buzzing sound in my ears, I could hear everyone cheering loudly for me. I could hear my teachers and everyone congratulating me as they shook my hand. The leather diploma cover felt strange in my palm, and I paused as I reached the end of the stage, glancing out at my parents in the crowd.
Even though this piece of paper was for me, the whole day was really for them. As much as I wanted to celebrate the milestone for myself, it was something they deserved to celebrate for themselves. They were the two people who had kept me alive and ensured I had everything I needed to make it this far in life.
Even with the odds stacked against us.
I found my seat in the front row that faced the stage. Vivi was seated to my right, since our last names came right next to each other in the alphabetic order we followed. She looked over at me, a huge smile on her face.
“We did it, girl!” She held her hand up to mine for a high five.
I slapped it, smiling back at her. “We made it to the finish line.”
And now our lives were about to go in completely different directions. I already knew I would be losing my friends after this day and I was okay with it. I completely understood and knew it was a part of life. The one thing I refused to accept was losing Oliver like this too. He’s the one person I was terrified of losing the most.
They made it through the remainder of the names on the list and each diploma was handed out to the students in our graduating class. After everyone was seated, the superintendent congratulated our class as a whole. As if on command, everyone rose to their feet and grabbed their caps. We all tossed our hats to the sky while other students cheered and carried on. I tilted my head back, watching as all of our royal blue hats flew up toward the bright white clouds that stood out in stark contrast in the background.
We couldn’t have asked for a more beautiful day for a celebration like this.
After everything was over, we all gathered around with our families. My mother and father greeted me with their warm, embracing hugs. Both of my brothers, Eli and Jackson, surprised me with their attendance. I wasn’t expecting to see them here and when they both swept me up into their arms and swung me around, it felt like everything was finally the way it should be.
Each of us were separated by two years. Jackson was the oldest at twenty-two. He just finished his undergraduate and was off to grad school this fall for his master’s in psychology. Eli was twenty and I was eighteen. We were all close growing up, but after they both went off to college, we didn’t see them as often.
It hurt my heart, knowing how close we once were, but it was all in the nature of the beast and the circle of life. They were building new lives in the new cities they lived in. And I was still stuck in Dansbury, where I would most likely spend the rest of my days.
There was a part of me that was a tad jealous. My brothers never treated me like I was any different from the two of them, but the reality was that I was different. I didn’t have the joy of just experiencing life like they got to. I was too busy trying to survive it.
“We’re so proud of you, little Luna,” Jackson said as he put me down on my feet. His hazel eyes were the closest to mine. Our mother had blue eyes and our father’s eyes were hazel. Jackson and I had more of a golden, green color, where Eli was blessed with our mother’s beautiful blue eyes.
“I’m so glad both of you were able to come,” I told my brothers as I took a step back from the two of them. I was beginning to sweat profusely from the hot sun pounding down on us. Undoing the buttons of my gown, I shrugged it off my shoulders, and my mother took it from me.
“We wouldn’t have missed it for the world.” Eli smiled at me, his voice soft and gentle. He was always the quieter of the two. He was much more reserved, and it was hard to tell what was going on in his head most of the time. But if Eli had a soft spot for anyone, it was for me.
As we were gathered, the Harts came walking over to us. My gaze collided with Oliver’s and his entire face lit up. He broke out into a jog, running ahead of everyone as he barreled straight toward me. He slid his hands under my armpits and lifted me into the air as the lilt of his laughter rolled across my eardrums.
A giggle slipped from my lips, and I kicked my legs slightly as he spun me around before setting me down on the ground. His hands fell down to my waist, and I tilted my head up to look into his sage green eyes. “We did it, Looney Tune!”
“Can you believe it?” I laughed, smiling back at my best friend. “We actually made it through four years of high school.”
Oliver’s smile cracked slightly and a wave of emotion washed over his gaze. “I always knew that we would.”
There was a heaviness in his tone and the air around us grew thick with melancholy. Regardless of the good things that happened, the graveness of the situation always had its way of showing its ugly face through the sunshine.
“Who’s ready to go get this party started?” Mrs. Hart asked from behind us, her voice breaking through the somberness that hung between us. She planned a joint graduation party for Oliver and me at their house. My mother had invited our family and friends, and it was supposed to be a huge thing.
Part of me wasn’t really interested in having to entertain and see everyone, mainly because I was mentally exhausted from the day. I couldn’t let everyone down, though. I needed to put on a happy face and be grateful for this day and everyone around us.
“We still have a few hours, Penny.” My mother laughed at her. “I think we’re going to head home so Luna can rest for a little bit and then we will be over before the party starts.”
I glanced over at my mother, silently thanking her with my eyes. It was like she always knew what I needed without me even having to say it. The heat had taken a toll on me, and the anxiety that riddled my body wasn’t helpful either. My lungs needed a break and I needed to take a nap before being active the rest of the night.
Mrs. Hart stepped up to me with a bright smile on her face. She reached out, her palm soft as she placed it on the side of my face. “Go get some rest, Luna. We’ll be waiting for you when you’re ready.” She paused for a moment, her chin bobbing slightly as her eyes grew damp. “I’m so proud of you.”
She pulled me in for a hug, embracing me tightly as if she were afraid I would simply slip through her arms like sand. We broke apart and she took a step back before standing with Ollie and her husband. The three of them said their goodbyes to us before disappearing through the crowd. I didn’t miss Oliver as he glanced at me once more over his shoulder, offering a small wave before he was gone.
“You ready to go home, Luna?” My mother questioned me as she wrapped her arm around the tops of my shoulders. “You can take a nap and get ready for the party.”
I glanced over at her. “Thanks, Mom.”
“Always, sunshine.”
She began to lead me back to the parking lot, to where our car was. My brothers and father followed behind us, all of us in a comfortable silence and lost in our thoughts. By the time we were pulling out of the parking lot, I could feel my eyelids growing heavier. I popped the speaking valve off my trach and held it in my hand as I rested my head against the window.
It didn’t take long before my breathing began to slow and the darkness was pulling me under. When my body was exhausted, there was no way for me to fight it. And sometimes, I was honestly tired of fighting. It felt like that was all that I ever did, almost as if there was no reprieve from it. It was either fight or die.
I wasn’t ready for death, so I fought with every ounce of strength I had, but sometimes I had to give in to the exhaustion. And when my body needed to rest, I had no choice but to listen.