Chapter 13
Chapter Thirteen
WE DON’T GET TO CHOOSE
O liver kissed me.
I didn't know whether I was living in a dreamland or reality anymore. I lifted my fingertips to my lips as I stared back at myself in the bathroom mirror. My cheeks were tinted pink and my blue eyes were bright. It was as if Oliver breathed life into me.
I always imagined my first kiss with Oliver, and that came nowhere close to what had actually happened between us. He gave me the world tonight and I was floating on a cloud of euphoria. It was a boost of dopamine I didn’t know I needed.
My heart pitter-pattered in my chest as I thought about what would come next. Was I supposed to pretend like it didn’t happen? Is that what Oliver wanted? Things weren’t supposed to get messy and clouded between us and now I felt like I was in unfamiliar territory. I didn’t want our friendship to change but there was definitely a shift… one I wasn’t sure we would ever be able to come back from.
After brushing my teeth, I slipped into my bedroom to get ready for bed. My mother walked in just as the shrill beep from my ventilator echoed through my room. She stood in the doorway, her lips fighting to conceal the smile that threatened to take over her face.
“How was your night with Ollie?” my mother questioned as she walked over to me. She sat down on the bed next to me, her hands reaching for the vent tubing.
Lifting my chin, I gave her more access to connect it to the small tube near the base of my neck. The warm air rushed into my lungs and the machine began to read my own breathing. It was in an assist mode where it didn’t constantly breathe for me. It would deliver a breath if my own wasn’t deep enough or if my body happened to miss one.
“It was good.” I smiled at her, feeling the warmth creep across my cheeks. It was a strange feeling. Even though it was just a kiss, something about it felt forbidden. I wanted it to be our secret, and I didn’t want anyone else to know.
My mother tilted her head to the side as I scooted toward the headboard and pulled the covers over me. “What’s that face about?”
I laughed softly and shook my head. “Nothing.”
“I’m glad the two of you had a good night. Did he come in with you? I thought I heard someone in here.”
I nodded. “Yeah, but he was only up here for a few minutes.”
My mother let out a weird sigh and it shifted the mood. Her eyes were slightly wide and she sucked her lip between her teeth before releasing it with a pop. “I know when you were younger we had the sex talk, but we didn’t really go as in depth as we probably should have.”
I stared back at her, completely mortified. “Mom, we don’t have to do this.”
Her face softened, her skin wrinkling around her eyes as she chuckled. “With how close you and Oliver are getting, I think maybe we should.”
“Mom.” The word came out as a plea. This was not the conversation I wanted to have with my mother, and now I couldn’t help but wonder if our security cameras caught our kiss. “I went to high school with other kids. I know enough about sex and protection that we don’t have to talk about this. Plus, Oliver and I won’t be doing that, like, ever.”
She stared at me for a moment and chewed on the inside of her cheek. I watched the emotion wash over her expression and her eyes grew damp as she looked at me with only a tenderness that a mother could offer.
“Honey, you’re old enough to make those decisions yourself.” She paused and sniffled as her chin quivered. “I was never sure if we would get to this point in your life.”
The grave reality of her words hit me like a ton of bricks. “I know,” I whispered, my voice barely audible over the whooshing sound of the ventilator. There were so many moments in my life spoiled by the uncertainty of my future. My mortality made things more significant than they needed to be.
And sometimes, I hated it. I just wanted to be normal and experience things like everyone else. I wanted my first time having sex to not feel like it was a major milestone that needed to be celebrated or cried over. I could only understand how my mother felt about it all to a certain degree.
“I don’t mean to be emotional about it, Luna.” She laughed lightly as she brushed away her tears. “I’m happy we’re here. There were just so many times it was hard to tell what the future would hold.”
“I know, Mom,” I told her, the tenseness mixing with my tired tone. “I’ve been living this life the entire time.”
She stared at me for a moment, shock apparent in her expression almost as if I slapped her. She rolled her lip between her teeth, shifting uncomfortably on my bed. It wasn’t often I brought it up because I didn’t want to diminish her feelings and experience at all, but sometimes I couldn’t help with the irritation that festered inside.
No one else experienced my life from my point of view except for me. Neither of us knew what life was like for the other.
“I’m sorry, Luna,” my mother apologized, her voice gentle. “That was insensitive for me to say.”
I shook my head at her. “No, it’s just our reality. I’ve been here through all of it and I know how precious each moment is. Sometimes, I just wish this wasn’t the life we were living.”
Her expression was strained. “I wish it wasn’t, either. You don’t know how many nights I laid in bed questioning everything, begging into the void for the universe to just let you live a normal life. But then I realized, we don’t get to choose the life we live. All we get to choose is how we live it.”
Her words were like a punch to the gut. My breath caught in my throat, causing me to choke before the ventilator censored I was having an issue and delivered the breath for me. There was so much weight to those two simple sentences. I had been spending my time trying to enjoy the ride but there were moments like this when I let things bring me down.
“You’re right, Mom,” I told her, my eyes searching hers as a smile pulled on her lips. “I choose to live it in every way possible.”
“Good, Luna.” She smiled back. “That’s all I want for you. To live a full life and one without regrets. I want you to experience everything possible. Just because our reality is a little different from others doesn’t mean that you can’t live too.”
“You and Oliver sound alike.” I giggled as I nestled deeper into my pillow. “He’s always telling me to just enjoy the ride.”
My mother rose to her feet and leaned over, pressing her lips to my forehead. “Oliver’s a special one, honey. And I couldn’t be more thankful for a light like him in your life.”
“Goodnight, Mom,” I said as I rolled onto my side and tucked my arm underneath my pillow. “I love you.”
“I love you more, Luna. More than the moon loves the stars.”
With that, she disappeared from my room, leaving me alone with my thoughts of my evening with Oliver. I had to tell Giana. I had been updating her about all of our summer adventures. I grabbed my phone from my nightstand and promptly sent her a text.
Luna
G, I’m freaking out.
Giana
What’s wrong? Is everything okay?
I smiled. My stomach flipped. I couldn’t believe what had happened. It had to have been a dream.
Luna
Oliver kissed me.
Giana wastes no time responding.
Giana
I JUST DIED AND WENT TO HEAVEN.
OMG. I NEED ALL THE DETAILS GIRL.
I laughed out loud. Exhaustion was settling in my bones.
Luna
Tomorrow?
Giana
You better call me first thing or I’m driving to Vermont.
A soft laugh escaped me and I locked the screen on my phone before putting it back on my nightstand. As I let my eyes fall shut, all I could think about was my evening with Oliver. The most perfect moment ever. My mind drifted to the last words he spoke to me before he left.
“I hope you dream of me.”
As I closed my eyes and felt the sleep slowly creeping in, I knew exactly what my dreams would consist of that night.
The green eyed boy from next door who held my heart in his hands.
The next morning, I woke up to a text from Oliver asking if he could come over to talk. We didn’t discuss what our plans were for the rest of my bucket list after our kiss and the anxiety was building inside me as I mulled over how to respond.
Oliver
Hey you. Can I come over so we can talk?
Luna
Sure. I just got out of bed, so come over in an hour?
Oliver
I’ll be there.
I couldn’t help but overthink what clothing I was supposed to wear. Things weren’t supposed to be like this between us. As I stared at my closet, I let out an exasperated sigh and closed my eyes. It was just Oliver. A kiss meant nothing. I was going to play it cool and act normal around him. I wasn’t bringing any of it up unless he brought it up first.
Grabbing my phone again, I typed out the entire night to Giana, explaining every moment. I ended it by telling her he was coming over and she quickly FaceTimed me, even though I was still in my damn pajamas.
Did he say what he was coming over for? She quickly signed to me.
I shook my head. He wants to come over and talk.
He’s going to confess his love for you, Luna. Oh my gosh.
I stared at her, feeling like a bundle of anxiety. I’m hanging up now.
Wait. It will all be okay. Just remember, deep breaths. It will be fine. But make sure you tell me what I’m missing then.
I nodded back to her and quickly ended the call. I loved my other best friend deeply, but right now, I needed to be with my own thoughts. And I needed to figure out what I was going to wear for the day.
After settling on a pair of jean shorts and a tank top, I slipped into the bathroom and pulled my long hair up into a high ponytail before washing my face and brushing my teeth. Part of me was regretting telling him to come over in an hour.
I couldn’t shake the bad feeling and the suspense was potentially going to kill me before my medical condition did.
After the longest hour of my life, I headed out onto the front porch to wait for Oliver. Tank found his usual position, lying on the floor beside my feet. Oliver was barely a minute past an hour as he walked from his front yard and through the gate into mine. Tank hopped up and greeted him as he reached the steps.
“Hey, you slobbery fool.” Oliver laughed, patting Tank on the head as he pushed past him. His green eyes met mine and he smiled softly before sitting down on the swing next to me. “Hey, slobbery fool number two.”
“Hey!” I knocked my shoulder against his, a nervous laugh instantly escaping me as I realized I shouldn’t have touched him. “I’m not slobbery.”
“Maybe not like your dog,” he said with a smirk and a shrug. “But I’ve seen the drool marks on your pillows.”
Heat crept up my neck and across my cheeks. “You’re officially not allowed in my room anymore.”
Oliver raised an eyebrow at me with mischief dancing in his eyes. “Are you sure about that?”
My stomach did a somersault and the nonexistent butterflies fluttered inside. A lump lodged in my throat and it felt like I was potentially going to choke to death on it. Yet again, Oliver stole the air from my lungs with just his words.
“What did you want to talk about?” I questioned him, forcing the conversation to shift.
Please don’t say our kiss.
“I come with bad news,” he told me as he leaned back against the swing and propped his hands behind his head. “I forgot about my family’s planned vacation. I tried to get out of it but my mom won’t let me, especially since this will probably be my last year going with them.”
“Why is that bad news?” I questioned him, feeling a rush of relief that he didn’t bring up last night. “You guys always go on a family vacation every summer.”
Oliver turned his head to look over at me. “Because this summer was supposed to be about us and checking off your list.”
“Are you going for the rest of the summer?”
“Jesus, no.” Oliver laughed, and in that moment I realized that was my most favorite sound ever. “Just for a week, but we’re leaving tomorrow. I completely forgot about it, and I feel like I’m leaving you behind.”
Now it was my turn to laugh. “You’re not leaving me behind, Ollie. We will have plenty of time to check off the rest of my list.”
Except for the two most private ones I would never share with him.
To fall in love and to lose my virginity.
His expression became unreadable and he stared directly into my soul. “I feel like I should apologize for kissing you last night, but I’m not sorry for it at all.”
Oh shit.
My heart crawled into my throat. This was the conversation I did not want to have and leave it to Oliver to just spring it upon me without any warning.
“We don’t have to talk about last night, Oliver,” I told him, my voice quiet. I didn’t know what else to say. I didn’t regret it at all, but it couldn’t happen again.
“Shit…” Pain washed through his eyes. “Maybe I should apologize. I thought you wanted it and now I feel like an asshole for overstepping my boundaries.”
“You didn’t. I did want it,” I told him in a rush, my voice urgent which made me feel embarrassed. “I’m glad it happened. I wanted it to happen for so long, but it can’t happen again.”
Oliver’s eyebrows pulled together. “Why not?”
I inhaled deeply, closing my eyes briefly before opening them up to meet his gaze. “Because we can’t be anything more than friends, Oliver. I don’t want to ruin our friendship and I could never forgive myself for breaking your heart if you fell in love with me.”
“How can you be so sure you would break my heart?”
I struggled to swallow past the lump lodged in my throat. “I’m dying, Oliver.”
“We all are,” he retorted, his eyes burning holes through mine.
“But I’m going to die before you.” I paused for a moment, attempting to collect myself as my emotions began to overwhelm me. “It’s bad enough that one day you’ll have to bury your best friend. The last thing I want is for you to bury the person you’re in love with too.”
Oliver stared back at me, his eyes desperately searching mine. “Luna…”
I abruptly rose to my feet, the swing shifting slightly. Tank jumped up beside me. “I’m sorry, Ollie. I need to go back inside. Have a great time on vacation and I’ll see you when you get back.”
Without giving him the opportunity to respond, I made my escape back into the house and shut the door behind me and my mammoth-sized dog. Pressing my back against the door, I closed my eyes and took a few moments to collect myself and catch my breath.
I hated shutting him out, but I panicked. The situation was messy and I let fear drive my actions. Instead of really having a conversation with Oliver, I shut it down before he had the chance to say anything else. He would be leaving tomorrow for their family vacation, and I deeply regretted what I just did.
And when I turned back around and looked through the window in the door, Oliver was gone.