Chapter 14
Chapter Fourteen
LIFE IS SHORT AND SHIT
T ime seemed to slow down while Oliver was away. He had been gone four days and somehow it felt like four years. I didn't know what to do with myself with him gone and I’m fairly certain Tank was getting tired of all the walks I was forcing him to go on. He was the only one I really had to keep my mind occupied right now.
Sitting out on the back patio, I bent down and picked up Tank’s ball. I called his name and held it up to show him. He lifted his head and stared at me for a moment before laying it back down. I swear I heard him sigh as he directed his gaze away from me.
Who would have ever thought a dog would get tired of playing fetch?
A sigh escaped me as I settled back into my seat. Vivi texted me two days ago and wanted to get together, but I just couldn’t bring myself to do it. We were already nearing the middle of summer and she had just now reached out to me.
I knew the friendships I had were fleeting. That’s how it was in high school. Throw in a complex medical condition and you really get to see who your true friends are. I’m not saying she never cared about me, because she did, but our lives didn’t exactly fit together.
I politely declined her invitation and told her that we would get together another day, but made no further plans. I had even been partially ignoring Giana, which was unlike me. Part of me wanted to sulk in my misery and regret for walking away from Oliver. The other part of me just wanted to be alone in solitude to try and process it.
Either way, I was beginning to feel like I was going crazy, and I just wanted my best friend to come home.
“Hey, sweetie,” my mother said as she came outside and sat down at the patio table with me. “What are you doing out here?”
I glanced over at her and shrugged. “I don’t know. I was playing fetch with Tank, but I’m pretty sure he’s sick of me.”
My mother laughed softly and I watched her face transform to one of concern. “Is everything okay? You’ve been really quiet and withdrawn the past few days.”
I stared back at her for a moment, every damn thought of Oliver rushing to the forefront of my mind. He might be my best friend, but my mother was my true confidant. There were things I couldn’t go to him about but I could talk to her and ask for her advice.
It felt foreign, talking about Oliver from a different perspective than I had before, but I needed someone’s advice. I could have talked to Vivi about it, but for some reason, I felt like my mother would be the only one who would truly understand.
“Oliver kissed me the other night.”
Her eyes widened slightly but it was almost as if it were forced. That’s when I realized she already knew. She was pretending to be surprised because I didn’t know this wasn’t news to her.
“You already knew that,” I declared, tilting my head to the side.
My mother nodded with a look of guilt on her face. “I happened to glance out the window the night you guys were set up on the side of the house and I saw it.” She paused for a moment to take a sip of her bottle of water. “I only saw him go in for the kiss and then I walked away from the window, I promise.”
“I don’t care if you saw it,” I told her, defeat heavy in my voice. “I just don’t know what to do about it now. He brought it up when he came over the next morning and I shut him down and walked away.”
“What made you react that way?”
A lump lodged in my throat and my heart constricted. “I’m afraid he’s going to want more from me and I can’t give him that.”
“Did he tell you he wanted more?”
“No.” I shook my head at her. “But when I told him it couldn’t happen again, he didn’t seem pleased. He wanted to know why and he left me no choice. I told him I don’t want to break his heart one day.”
My mother gave me an inquisitive look as she set her water bottle down on the table. “I’ve watched the two of you grow up together, Luna. I know you have feelings for Oliver and I know he has them for you as well. I know you well enough that you would never intentionally break his heart.”
“Not intentionally, but it’s inevitable.”
Frustration began to build within me because my mother just wasn’t getting it.
“What happens when he falls in love with me and then I die? Then he’s left with a Luna shaped hole in his chest.” I stopped, inhaling as deeply as my lungs would let me before I let out a shaky exhale. “I’m going to die before him, Mom, and I don’t know what will happen to him after that. I don’t want to break him. I can't.”
My mother gave me a sad smile and her eyes shimmered under a ray of sunlight that showcased the tears she was desperately trying to hold back. “I think it’s a little too late for that, sunshine.” Her shoulders sagged as she sighed. “That boy is hopelessly in love with you already.”
My phone vibrated from where it was sitting on the table and my heart skipped a beat as I picked it up and saw his name on the screen. I couldn’t stop the grin from lifting the corners of my lips.
Oliver
Luna. Please don’t shut me out. I need you to talk to me.
As I read over his words, my heart clenched and my throat constricted. I struggled to breathe as my body reacted in the most visceral way to his plea. Neither of us had reached out to the other, but just in the way he sent the message, I knew he had been feeling similarly to how I had been feeling.
“Is that him?”
I looked up at my mother, my smile faltering a little. “It is.”
“Can I give you some advice before I leave you alone to talk to him?”
I nodded, locking my phone screen to give her my undivided attention. My mother always had the best advice and I trusted her with everything. I mean, if we were being one hundred percent real, I wouldn’t have been alive without this woman constantly advocating for me and demanding nothing less than the best.
“Don’t let your fear dictate your future and how you live your life. Remember, we get to choose how we live it and I want you to live, Luna.” She slowly rose to her feet, her eyes still on mine. “Choose to live it to the fullest, with no regrets. Death is inevitable for all of us, but don’t take the choice of loving you away from Oliver. He knows what loving you means, sunshine. And he’s willing to risk it all for you.”
My phone vibrated again, and I smiled at my mother as her words sunk in. “Thank you, Mom,” I told her. “You give the best advice.”
“Always remember that,” she said with a wink before she disappeared back inside the house.
I unlocked my phone and opened Oliver’s message.
Oliver
Luna, I’m going crazy here. If I don’t hear from you in the next five minutes, I’m finding a way back home.
My heart swelled as I read his message three times over. Oliver Hart was unlike anyone else I had ever met in my life and I never wanted to let him go. My mother was right. I wasn’t the one who got to make the choice for Ollie. The choice would always be his.
Tapping on his name, I pressed the small phone icon and held it up to my ear as it started to ring. It only rang once before I heard Oliver’s voice on the other end.
“Please tell me this is real life and not a butt dial.”
A soft laugh escaped me. “I’m not sure if it's that simple to butt dial from a smartphone.”
“Oh, thank God, it’s real.” He let out an exasperated sigh of relief. “The silence between us was literally killing me, Luna. Can we agree to never do that again?”
“Yes,” I agreed immediately. There was no hesitation. “I’m really sorry, Ollie. I overreacted, I think. I don’t know, really. I just didn’t know how to process it all. Sometimes stuff feels really overwhelming for me.”
“I know, Luna.” I could hear his smile in his voice. “I know you well enough to know that. I didn’t mean to overwhelm you. If you don’t want anything to change between us, I will respect whatever you want.”
I mulled over his words for a moment. “I don’t know, Oliver. I feel like this is a conversation we should have in person.
“So, that means you do want to see me again?” His voice was hopeful and it hurt my heart.
“Of course, you idiot.” I laughed softly even though my throat felt like it was collapsing in on itself.
“I was afraid I was going to lose you forever.”
“You’ll never lose me.” The lie felt bitter on my tongue.
We both knew that one day he would, but it wouldn’t be by either of our choosing.
“Good,” he said and I heard that damn smile again. “I miss you, Luna.”
“You’ll be home soon,” I tried to remind him as I pulled at the frayed hem of my jean shorts. “We can get back to our summer plans as soon as you’re back.”
Oliver sighed. “Soon isn’t good enough. No one here is as interesting as you and my parents are getting pretty pissed with how much I’ve been sulking.”
I laughed again, shaking my head even though he couldn’t see me. “Please stop sulking and enjoy yourself. I haven’t been doing anything since you’ve been gone.”
“I don’t know if that makes me feel better or worse,” he said quietly. He fell silent for a moment. “I know you said you want to have this conversation in person, but I’m just going to throw this out now, because, you know, life is short and shit.”
Don’t we both know that?
“I’m not going to give you space, but I’ll give you all the time you need to figure things out. I didn’t kiss you just because it was in the moment. I meant it when I said I always wanted to be your first. You mean a lot to me, Luna, and as more than just a friend. If you only want to be friends, I am completely fine with that. As long as I get to be a part of your life, I’ll be whatever you want me to be.”
His words felt like a blow to my chest, but it wasn’t painful. It was more powerful than anything. The way he said it with such conviction and without fear. He didn’t care how I would possibly respond to his admission. He just wanted me to know the truth and whatever I decided to do with that was up to me.
“Thank you, Oliver,” I told him, my voice soft and filled with honesty. “This is unfamiliar territory for me, but you’re the only person I would ever want to explore it with. I think it’s better if we don’t rush into anything right now, but I want you to know my feelings for you are deeper than just being friends. You are so much more to me.”
“Tell you what. Nothing changes between us until you’re ready for it to.” He paused for a moment before beginning again. “However much time you need, I will give it to you. However slowly you want to go, you set the pace, Luna Truly.”
I could hear someone talking to Oliver in the background and he let out a sigh.
“I’m sorry, Luna. My parents are forcing me to go with them right now.” He fell silent. “I could just ditch them and hitchhike my way back.”
“Oliver Atticus Hart,” I heard his mother scold him in the background. I couldn’t hear anything she said after that as her voice became muffled, and I laughed out loud.
“Go have fun with your family and call me later,” I told him, feeling a sense of peace. I was thankful we finally had a real conversation addressing the elephant in the room.
Oliver sighed. “Fine, but I won’t have as much fun as I would be having with you.”
“You’re ridiculous, Ollie.”
He laughed softly through the phone. “Maybe, but you love me anyway. Talk to you later, Looney Tune.”
He didn’t give me a chance to respond before he ended the call. Not that I would have known what to say to him. He spoke nothing but the truth.
And it was the truth I was still afraid to admit to him.