Chapter 20
Chapter Twenty
YOU ARE LIMITLESS AND ENDLESS, LUNA TRULY
“ A re you sure you guys don’t want a tent?” my mother questioned me as she came down from our attic with two sleeping bags. “We have so much camping equipment we only ever used that one time we went. Do you remember how much of a disaster that was?”
Her words instantly took me back in time, and I smiled at her as I nodded and we both drifted down memory lane together. “We didn’t even sleep in the tent. We ended up at a hotel instead.”
When I was around ten, my family decided to take a camping trip because it was something we’d never gotten to do. My parents went out and bought everything you could possibly think of to take along, yet it didn’t work out like anyone expected. My brothers and Tank were the main causes of the havoc that ensued.
One of my brothers ended up getting covered in poison ivy and was uncomfortable which prompted to getting a hotel room so he could take a bath. Tank found a dead squirrel and decided to bring that into our tent. And then Eli was the one who almost caught all of our things on fire.
“What a night that was,” my mother said as nostalgia floated through the space between us. “Thank God we never decided to do that again. I don’t think any of us are really camping people.”
“No.” I laughed along with her. “I don’t think any of us are.”
“If you want to use a tent, we did save one from that trip. Thankfully, Tank only brought the dead animal into ours so we still have the boys’ tent.”
I shook my head as I grabbed some blankets and we headed down the stairs together. “That kind of defeats the purpose. I want to sleep under the stars and if I’m in a tent, then I won’t be able to do that.”
“That makes perfect sense,” my mother concurred as we set the things down on the dining room table. “I’m really glad Oliver is doing all of this with you.”
“Me too.” I smiled at her, feeling the happiness creep in. A lump lodged in my throat as I glanced out back and saw Oliver out there talking with my father.
“What’s wrong, sunshine?” my mother questioned me, her voice filled with concern, yet it was soft and gentle. “You’ve been happy this summer, but there’s been a shift in you. Not that I don’t like it. You’ve been wearing your heart and your emotions on your sleeve more, instead of harboring it all inside. I’m glad you’re finally settling in and getting your voice.”
“I don’t know what to do about Oliver,” I admitted, my voice hushed. My mother was the only one who I really confided in when it came to things that hopefully wouldn’t burden her. I’d been more vocal about my feelings and I know it's been bothering her. “Everything with him is starting to hurt my head. It’s making me feel like I’m going crazy.”
My mother smiled at me. “Love will do that to you, Luna. When you fall in love with someone, you feel everything with such an intensity. That’s what’s really been going on, isn’t it? This shift with you… it’s because of your feelings for him.”
I stared at her and nodded, not wanting to admit it out loud. She was right. I was in love with Oliver Hart and it was messing with my emotions more than anything else ever had. “I don’t know what to do.”
“Have you considered telling him?”
My nostrils flared as I inhaled deeply. “I can’t. I can’t let him know the truth.”
My mother's eyebrows pulled together and she tilted her head at me as she gave me a questioning look. “Why not? What’s so bad about him knowing the truth?”
“Because… as much as I want him to feel the same way about me, he can’t.” I paused for a moment, swallowing back the emotion that grew thick in my throat. “He deserves someone who can give him everything. All I will ever give him is a broken heart.”
Sadness filled my mother’s eyes and her expression softened as she closed the space between us. “That’s not true, Luna. You give that boy more than you will ever realize and as much as you hate it, what he feels isn’t within your control. You don’t get to decide for him.”
“I still can’t tell him.”
My mother nodded. “Just consider it, okay? You don’t have to tell him today or tomorrow, but don’t toss out the idea completely.”
“I won’t,” I tell her, although in the back of my mind, I know I won’t ever tell him.
The back door opened and my father strolled inside. It had since grown dark outside and I could see the lights Oliver set up for us out there. “I’m going to retire to bed, but you have fun, Looney Tune,” my father said as he pressed his lips to the top of my head.
Oliver came inside and winked at me as he grabbed the stuff from the dining room table and carried it outside. He had already taken my ventilator and other equipment outside and had it set up for when it was time to go to sleep.
My mother followed me over to the door as I watched Oliver continue to set things up. Tank kept grabbing the opposite corner of the sleeping bag and gave a tug on it every time Oliver tried to shake it out to make it straight.
“Enjoy your time with him, sunshine,” my mother said as she pulled me in for a warm hug and mimicked my father, kissing the top of my head. “And think about telling him how you really feel.”
My arm pressed against my chest and I felt a twinge of pain by the central line threaded under my skin. As my mother released me, the pressure relieved itself and I felt the sensation dissipating into more of an annoying ache.
Stepping away from my mother, I walked through the back door and out into the yard where Oliver was waiting. He sat down on one of the sleeping bags and motioned for me to join him. As I sat down beside him, Tank pushed his way between the two of us and flopped down onto the mounds of blankets and sleeping bags.
It was kind of cute. Oliver set up a bunch of blankets on the ground to take away from how uncomfortable it was before laying two sleeping bags side by side. I loved how there was never any pressure or expectations from him. He really just followed whatever I wanted to do and never made a move without making sure I was okay with it.
But in the back of my mind, I knew he was an eighteen-year-old guy who’d had sex before. He’d kissed other girls. He was experienced in ways I wasn’t. There was a weird expectation from me that he should be trying to make a different kind of move on me. That’s what guys did when they liked a girl, right?
Oliver may have kissed me a few times now, but he never tried to take it any further than that.
Perhaps he didn’t have feelings for me like I did for him.
“So, I know we’re supposed to be out in nature and everything, but I did bring my laptop in case you want to watch a movie or something,” Oliver told me sheepishly as he lifted his laptop case from beside him. “I’ve never done this before, so I don’t know what people really do outside like this.”
I glanced around, taking in the few lights Oliver had set up. My parents were kind enough to turn off all the outdoor lights, and I’m assuming Oliver’s parents knew too because there wasn’t a single light coming from his house.
“I don’t really know. I think we’re just supposed to lay here and stare at the stars. You know, think about the universe and stuff.”
Oliver smiled at my stupid explanation. My brain felt like it was stumbling over itself and I just let it go. Neither of us got underneath our sleeping bags as we both laid down. Ollie waited until I was comfortable before turning off the small battery powered lights he had.
Tank shifted between us and my eyes adjusted to the lack of light. Even though we were in the suburbs, you were still able to see so many stars in the sky. It was a clear night with not a single cloud in sight. I’d stargazed before, but never like this. Never with such intent where it really made it possible to feel like you were staring at a million shimmering lights.
“There’s so many stars,” Oliver mused out loud. “We just have to stay up until two o’clock, right?”
I didn’t look over at Oliver, but I nodded anyway. “That’s when it’s supposed to be the best time to view the meteor shower tonight,” I told him. “The peak times are between two and four.”
“We can do that,” he declared as he lifted his phone to look at it. “Only three more hours.”
It worked out perfectly. Ollie knew I loved meteorology and he actually did his research before picking tonight as the night for us to sleep under the stars. He looked up everything he could find about meteor showers and when he saw there was going to be one tonight, it sealed the deal on our little adventure.
Tank moved again and a small sound of air passed from him. My eyes widened and I glanced over at Oliver who looked horrified, considering the fact Tank’s rear end was pointed in both of our directions.
“Oh, hell no!”
“Tank!”
He lifted his lazy head and turned back to look at us, not knowing what the fuss was about. The smell was putrid and I started pushing him away as Oliver gagged. I couldn’t stop the laughter as it bubbled out of me, tears springing to my eyes as I attempted to move the two hundred pounds of stink between us.
Oliver started laughing along with me and tried to help me, even though the smell was clearly bothering him.
“What the hell do you feed this beast? Dead animals?!”
I laughed even harder, snorting as I flopped onto my back and gave up trying to move my dog. Oliver finally got him to move and he sighed, blowing out hot air as he rose to his feet and moved off the blankets. Tank almost looked ashamed of himself as he made his way onto our back deck and laid down where he could still see me.
Tears streamed down my cheeks and my stomach and face hurt from laughing so hard. “I am so sorry.” I laughed, rolling over to look at Ollie. “He tends to do that from time to time.”
“I get it.” Ollie laughed along with me as he rolled to face me. “He’s a gross dog, but goddamn. That smell could raise someone from their grave.”
The smell dissipated and our laughter began to subside. “I really am sorry. I didn’t expect him to do that.”
“I don’t think that’s something anyone could ever be prepared for.” Ollie chuckled. His gaze scanned my face and he reached out to me, absentmindedly brushing away the tears from my face. “I like these. These are the good kind of tears.”
“You’re peculiar, Oliver Hart.” I smiled at him as he continued to collect the moisture with the pads of his thumbs.
“Mmm,” he murmured as he lifted his sage eyes to mine. “And why is that, love?”
“You’re the only person I know who likes tears.”
“They glisten on your skin. Your eyes shimmer with them. I don’t like your sad tears, but your happy ones are one of my favorite things.” He slid his hand underneath the side of my face pressed to the pillow and he scooted closer to me, closing the distance between us. “You wanna know a secret, Luna Truly?”
My breath caught in my throat and excitement simultaneously filled me. I nodded as he looked down at my lips and back to my eyes.
“You’re my most favorite thing ever.”
My stomach did a somersault and the butterflies in my stomach fluttered rapidly. Oliver lifted his other hand to the opposite side of my face as he stared at me. It felt as if my heart was going to beat out of my chest. The annoying pain around my central line vanished and all I could focus on was the heat that was burning from his green eyes.
“I really want to kiss you right now, Luna.”
My tongue darted out to wet my lips. This was the perfect moment to put space between us and take a step back. Instead, I decided to take a step forward, into the unknown. “Well, what are you waiting for?”
A smirk pulled on Oliver’s lips as he moved closer, his face dipping down to mine. My eyelids fluttered shut and I felt the warmth of his lips as he pressed them to mine. He was gentle and tender in his movements. His thumb stroked the side of my face as he slid his other hand down my body until he was wrapping his arm around my lower back and pulling me flush against him.
He was warm, and I pressed my hands against his firm chest. I could feel his muscles and athletic body beneath his t-shirt. Oliver slid his tongue into my mouth and it danced with my own. Curiosity got the better of me and I let my hands begin to explore the planes of his body and I slowly slid them down his torso and across his sculpted abdomen.
Oliver groaned into my mouth and the air left my lungs in a rush when I felt something hard pressed against the top of my thigh. It was something I’d never felt before, but I wasn’t naive. I knew the male anatomy and what happened when someone got turned on.
Oliver had a boner right now and it was throbbing against my leg.
An unfamiliar sound escaped me and Ollie’s mouth moved with reverent need against mine. Something shifted between us and while he was still tender, there was more urgency with his movements. He shifted his hips slightly, pressing his erection harder against me.
My hands were still wandering and I didn’t realize how low they were going until my fingertips were brushing the waistband of his pants.
Ollie abruptly pulled back and we were both out of breath. My chest rose and fell in rapid succession and he sucked in a shallow breath.
“Fuck, Luna,” he murmured, resting his forehead against mine. “You have no idea what you do to me… well, maybe you do now.”
A choked laugh forced its way out of my mouth. I opened my eyes briefly and studied Oliver’s mouth as we gave ourselves the opportunity to get our breathing under control. The way we kissed was foreign to me, yet it felt so familiar.
He felt familiar because he was where I belonged.
“I don’t want you to think we stopped because I don’t want you,” Oliver murmured as he kept his forehead to mine, his arm still wrapped around my waist. “I want you more than anything, but I will never ask that of you if you don’t want it.”
I swallowed roughly over the lump lodged in my throat. “What if I told you I do want it?”
Oliver abruptly pulled away from me, his eyes searching mine. “What did you mean by what you said when we were ice skating—that you don’t know what you feel around me anymore?”
Shit.
This was the conversation I had been avoiding. I was thankful he hadn't brought it up before now and there was a part of me hoping maybe he’d forgotten. Silly, Luna. Oliver never forgets.
“I don’t know,” I whispered, and looked past him as I attempted to brush it off. “I didn’t mean anything by it.”
“Bullshit, Luna,” he growled, his eyes focusing in on mine as they burned holes through my irises. “You look past me when you’re lying. Tell me the truth.”
I directed my gaze back to his. “I can’t do that.”
“Why the hell not?” he questioned me, his voice firm, yet still gentle.
“Because I will only hurt you in the end.”
His eyes softened and he tightened his grip around me. “Luna, Luna, Luna. You could break me into a million fucking pieces and I wouldn’t care.”
“I would,” I admitted as my eyes bounced back and forth between his. “Who would pick up the pieces?”
“Fuck the pieces. I wouldn’t even want them if it wasn’t you putting them back in place.”
“Ollie…” I started as my voice trailed off. I let out the breath I didn’t realize I was holding. “I can’t give you what you deserve. I can’t give you more than the moment happening between us and you know that.”
He shook his head at me and his frown cut deep. “I don’t accept that, Luna. You have more than this single moment and you know that. That’s not what it is. You’re scared, and I don’t know why. What are you so afraid of?”
“You!” I practically shouted at him as I pushed away from him and sat up in a rush.
Oliver didn’t miss a beat and sat up with me, instantly entering my personal space as he positioned himself front of me. “Why are you afraid of me?”
“Because you make me want what I can’t have.”
He tilted his head to the side, his eyebrows pulling together in confusion. “What’s that?”
“A future.”
I watched his expression transform and he closed the little amount of space between us, pulling me into his lap. Oliver held my face in his hands, and I instinctively wrapped my arms around his waist as the tears blurred my vision.
“Luna, love,” he murmured, and I closed my eyes as he caught my tears with his thumbs again. “A future isn’t guaranteed for any of us. Don’t limit yourself in life because you think the stars are unreachable for you. You are limitless and endless, Luna Truly. Whether it’s in this life or the ones that come after, you continue on for an eternity.”
My tears slowed and I let his words seep into every fiber of my being until I felt like it was something I could possibly believe.
“Luna, look at me,” he said softly.
My eyelids fluttered open and I could see clearly as I stared back at my best friend—my true soulmate in life.
“I know you’re confused about your feelings for me and you don’t want to hurt me, so I’m not going to push you. There is one thing I want you to know, though.” He paused for a moment as his eyes shined brightly back at me through the darkness. “One day, you’re going to fall for me and I promise you I will catch you when you do.”