Chapter 19
Chapter Nineteen
HOT CHOCOLATE IN JULY
T he night of the wedding, Oliver didn’t give me any false hope that I would one day experience getting married myself. And I was eternally grateful for that. Given the fact I already outlived what the doctors expected, anything was realistically possible. But it was the false hope that was worse than anything.
It was better to expect the worst, to be prepared for every worst case scenario and to always hope things would work out differently. I was a firm believer in the universe giving back what you put out into it, but I think its powers could only work so far. Anything beyond that would be a damn miracle and those weren’t exactly handed out like candy on Halloween night.
Maybe life would keep me around long enough to get married, but then again, there was the thought of who I would even want that with. There was one person who I could see myself spending the rest of my life with but I would never put him in that position.
Come to think of it, I didn’t think I would want to put anyone in that position, whoever they might be. It would just be a selfish move on my part. My incessant need to want to be able to do normal things in life would just cause someone the most devastating heartbreak.
Who would want to marry someone, knowing one day soon they would lose their spouse? I couldn’t go into an arrangement like that knowing I would leave someone as a widower.
“You’re quiet today,” Oliver mused out loud as we sat in our treehouse in his backyard. He texted me earlier and asked if I wanted to hangout, but my mind was preoccupied and still thinking about the wedding from the weekend. “Penny for your thoughts?”
I looked over at him and tilted my head. “Does anyone actually carry pennies anymore?”
Oliver stared at me for a moment. “You know, that’s a valid question. Cash and change are almost obsolete at this point.”
“Exactly… So how are you going to pay for my thoughts without a penny?”
“I could cash app you or something?” Oliver replied with a smirk and a shrug. He always had some remark to come back at me with and never failed to amuse me.
I smiled back at him and shook my head. “Nice try.”
The last thing I wanted was to divulge my thoughts to him after that night. It was the first time I broke down in front of him like that and I wasn’t about to explain what I was thinking about again. It was borderline embarrassing and I’d rather forget it happened. I knew he genuinely cared and I knew I had been a little distant, and I was sure it was confusing him.
However, that didn’t mean I wanted to talk to him about my thoughts on marriage.
Lord, how much more embarrassing would that be than my minor mental breakdown?
“So, I was thinking… I don’t really have anything planned for us today, but how would you feel about going ice skating?” Oliver asked me, almost shyly.
We both grew up in Vermont. He was athletic and had ice skated numerous times. He used to play ice hockey but didn’t go any further than playing recreationally since football was his true love. Me, on the other hand—I had never been on the ice once in my life.
“It’s the middle of the summer…” I reminded him, my eyebrows pulling together. “Do any of the rinks even have anything going on?”
Oliver nodded. “Regal Rink has a public skate this afternoon. I don’t know how busy it gets, but I figured it was something we could check off at least.” Oliver paused for a moment as he cocked an eyebrow at me. “For the record, you were the one who added ice skating to your summer bucket list.”
“Maybe I should take it off the list then,” I told him, attempting to play it off as if his logic with it being summer was the sole reason.
I was actually terrified to put on a pair of skates. What would happen if I fell? I’m not saying I was going to die or anything, but I could seriously injure myself.
Oliver shook his head at me as he rose to his feet. “Nope. You put it on the list and we’re doing it. Plus, you live in a hockey town and have never been ice skating before. It’s a little weird if you ask me.”
I climbed to my feet and inched closer to him, playfully challenging him. “Excuse me? I’m sorry I’m not in the habit of breaking any of my bones. I think I get poked and prodded enough by the doctors.”
“Calm down, killer.” Ollie laughed at me. “You’re not going to break a bone and you wanted it on your list. I’m just here to serve you, my queen.”
I laughed at Ollie and the ease between us. My mind momentarily drifted back to the wedding when he held me close and we danced out on the street. He’ll never know how much that meant to me and the way he constantly made me feel.
“You’re doing it again, Luna.”
His voice brought me back to reality, and I glanced over at him. He had moved over to where the doorway was to leave the treehouse and I hadn’t even noticed because I was too in my head. He watched me carefully.
I winced and gave him an apologetic smile as I walked over to him. “Sorry. I’m just a little distracted today.”
“I can tell,” he murmured to me as he held open the door for me to pass by him. “I would give anything to see inside that beautiful mind."
I laughed lightly, half choking on my breath as I walked down the steps in front of him. “Trust me, it’s a mess in there.”
“What a beautiful mess it must be, though,” he mused out loud and my heart skipped a beat.
Neither of us spoke another word as we walked through his backyard and around the side of the house. Tank was lying by the tree still and hadn’t noticed that we were out of the treehouse. Oliver whistled to him and he came running.
“I don’t know if we can take him to the rink. I mean, I’m sure we can, but I don’t know how he would go on the ice.”
I glanced down at my dog. “Sorry, bud. You’re going to have to hang out at the house until I get back.”
It was almost as if Tank could understand the words I was speaking with the way he gave me those puppy dog eyes even though he wasn’t exactly small anymore. He followed me through the gate connecting the Harts backyard and ours. I took Tank into the house and left him with a treat before grabbing my bags and heading out the front door.
Oliver was already waiting on the front porch and took the bags from me without a single word. Gentleman Oliver. He was predictable and part of me appreciated that. There were so many variables in my life, but knowing I could count on him and knowing what to expect with him helped ease my anxiety immensely.
I followed him out to his car and we hopped in before making our way to the ice rink. Oliver turned the music up loud enough that I didn’t feel like we had to have a conversation. Not that I didn’t want to talk to him, but he knew I was in my own little world and he was respecting it. I couldn’t ask for any more than that and the sentiment was enough to warm my soul.
Which was a stark contrast to how damn cold the ice rink was when we stepped inside.
“I feel extremely unprepared,” I admitted to Ollie as I wrapped my arms around my body. Given it was summer, I didn’t think to put on anything other than a t-shirt. I already had a pair of leggings on and thankfully wore socks and sneakers.
I failed to think about anything else I may have needed.
“And it’s a good thing I came prepared.” Ollie winked at me as he motioned down to an extra bag I hadn’t noticed he brought. He set it down on a bench and reached inside. He pulled out one of his hoodies and handed it to me, along with a pair of gloves.
I watched him as he put on his own sweatshirt and I pulled the one he gave me over my head. Instinctively, I closed my eyes and inhaled deeply, breathing in his scent that still lingered in the fabric. As I opened my eyes, I met Oliver’s gaze and a fire was burning in his irises as he carefully watched me.
Heat crept up my neck before spreading across my cheeks.
“One last thing,” Oliver murmured as he reached back into the bag and stepped into my space. He lifted his hands above my head, pulling a beanie down over it. His hands were soft and warm against my skin as they lingered on the sides of my face, slowly trailing down my neck before he grabbed the hood and pulled it over my head. “Perfect.”
Oliver left me by the bench and went over to get me a pair of rental skates. He had his own pair and left them sitting in the bag on the bench. When he returned, he helped me get mine on and tied them for me before tying his own.
“Are you ready to do this?” he asked, holding his hand out for me.
I nodded and slowly slid my palm against his as he helped me onto my feet. My ankles wobbled and it felt extremely unnatural standing on a set of blades. There had been many times in my life I felt unsteady on my feet but none of them were remotely comparable to how this felt.
“I guess I’m as ready as I’ll ever be,” I told him as I attempted to bury the nervous feelings circulating through me. There was no way I was going to be able to do this across a sheet of ice, considering the fact I could barely even walk in these things.
Oliver smiled at me, giving me a knowing look that said he knew I was more nervous than I should be. When we went on the Ferris wheel, that freaked me out because of the height. This was a whole different type of fear.
He stepped out onto the ice first and then turned to help me. My right foot slid in the opposite direction as soon as it touched the slippery surface. It was the weirdest feeling. The lack of control over your body even as you try to tell it how to move. It was something I experienced time and time again and in a way, it was almost triggering.
My heart pounded erratically in my chest and I sucked in a breath as my breathing grew shallow. Oliver was patient and waited quietly as I mustered up the courage to put my other foot on the ice.
“See, it’s not that bad,” Oliver said softly as he turned to face me and held both of my hands. He started to skate backward and his movements were effortless. He was pulling me along with him, moving slowly, but I bent my knees and held on for dear life.
I was certain I would be falling on my ass at one point today.
“Don’t go so fast,” I muttered at him, my voice shifting into more of a panicked tone. His gaze met mine and he abruptly stopped, causing me to run into him.
My feet slipped and were moving out from under my body. As I began to fall, Oliver put his arms around me, lifting me up before I had the chance to hit the ice.
“I got you, Luna love,” he murmured as he steadied me on my feet. “I won’t let you fall.”
His words were comforting and there wasn’t a part of me that didn’t believe him. If Oliver had the power to, he would keep me as safe as possible. But things didn’t always work out that way, and I couldn’t help but be a little skeptical as to whether or not he would be able to catch me every single time.
I got my feet underneath me again, and Oliver moved both of us over to the edge of the rink, where I was able to hold onto the boards. Putting my right hand on the side, I held onto his hand with my left and attempted to move my feet of my own accord. Other skaters moved past us like it was nothing, and I lifted my head and watched them in awe as they moved around the rink with such ease.
It was beautiful, watching the way some of them skated. There were a few kids who were younger than us skating around like they lived on skates. You could easily pick out the hockey kids from the ones who just did it for fun. And then you had the ones who were clearly figure skaters with how they moved. They moved almost as if a melody flowed through their veins.
It was beautiful, and I suddenly felt envious as I shuffled my own feet across the ice, moving as slow as a sloth.
“You’re doing great, Luna,” Oliver encouraged me as he slowly skated beside me. I couldn’t help but feel like I was slowing him down in a sense, but he didn't bother to complain.
That was Oliver and his gentle soul.
“I wish I could skate like that.”
Oliver followed my gaze as we watched one of the girls’ skate past, shifting her weight from foot to foot in the most elegant movement. “You do know that most people who skate like that have been skating since they were kids, right? They’re the ones who are always here, always on the ice.”
“Sometimes I just feel like there’s nothing I have that is mine, you know? Like, you play football, people have different hobbies and activities. Different things they are good at… I don’t know if I have a single skill or attribute to be honest. Hell, I’m not even good at breathing, which is the most basic thing someone could do.”
Oliver cut me off, his skates sliding across the ice as he stopped in front of me and blocked my way. “What are you talking about, Luna? You are good at a lot of things. The violin. Drawing. Writing. You don’t give yourself enough credit.” He stopped for a second. “Where the hell is all this coming from? Something has been off with you. Am I ruining your summer by doing your list with you?”
The sadness in his words hit my chest harder than I expected. His eyes searched mine in a panic, but there was a hesitancy. He never wanted to be the one who pushed too hard. Always forever gentle.
“Not at all,” I told him with a sigh. “I just—I don’t know what my problem is.”
“You know, you’re always the sunshine on the cloudiest of days. You don’t have to be, though.” He reached up to adjust my beanie, his hands lingering as he smiled down at me. “Honestly, I like this other side of you. It isn’t one we get to see very often and it means a lot to me.”
“What do you mean? I don’t like this side of me. I want to be the sunshine person who just smiles and keeps on moving through life. Instead, I keep overthinking everything and these damn emotions are really starting to get to me.”
Oliver stared at me, tilting his head to the side as he absentmindedly played with the strings of my hood. “Sometimes, I used to wonder if you were actually human.”
His words caught me off guard, and I looked at him in shock. “Because I had a machine that breathes for me?”
Ollie rolled his eyes and let out an exasperated sigh. “No, Luna. I don’t give a shit about any of your medical stuff.” He stopped, his eyes widening and a wave of regret passed through his irises. “That sounded worse than what I meant. What I mean is I don’t see any of that and I haven’t since we were kids. You’re Luna Truly, the best person I know. Fuck the rest.”
I get lost in his eyes momentarily as his words penetrate my soul.
“No one is happy every moment of their life. We’re supposed to feel a myriad of emotions and it's okay to let yourself feel them.” Oliver slides his hands under my hood and cups the sides of my face. “It almost seemed unhuman, but now you’re showing me this side instead. I’m glad you feel comfortable enough around me.”
“I don’t know what I feel around you anymore,” I mumbled more to myself, but the words were never supposed to leave my internal thoughts. As soon as they left my mouth, I could feel the shock in my expression.
Oliver chuckled. “I’m going to let that go for now, but just know we’re having a conversation later. You don’t get to drop a bomb like that and not expect me to ask questions.”
“I didn’t mean to say that…”
Oliver simply smiled. “I know, but you did. And now you have no choice but to let me inside that beautiful mind of yours.”
He gently pressed his lips to my forehead before moving away from me. The cold air quickly replaced his warmth and my teeth chattered from the ice beneath my feet. Oliver must have felt it and glanced over at me and nodded. Instead of pressuring me to keep skating, he led me off the ice and into the snack bar room where we got some hot chocolate in the middle of July.
Some things in life just didn’t make sense and this was one of them.
Instead of questioning it, you just went with it.
You let yourself live.