Chapter Fourteen
TOMI
Salivating over Xander in a suit did all kinds of things to my libido. As much as I try to deny my feelings for him, I know I’ve fallen hard for the man who played me like a damn fiddle. That’s what hurts the most. I’m usually so smart, so switched on about this sort of thing, but Alex threw me completely.
There was not one thing that made me suspicious of Xander—there was nothing that triggered alarm bells. That’s what makes him such an unprecedented liar . How could I ever trust him again? That’s why it hurts—I trusted him, not only with myself but also with Levi. How Levi’s going to cope with Xander not being around for him anymore, I don’t know. Levi finally felt like he had a man he could trust who would be there for him. But Xander let him down too.
That’s not cool.
Jana’s talking to me as I continue to dismantle the workstations after Xander’s departure, but I can’t hear a word she’s saying. My head is racing with thoughts I can’t control. Memories of times Xander and I spent together, times we’ll never have together. I didn’t realize the hold he had on me until right now when he’s actually gone.
“Tomi… earth to Tomi?” Jana calls, snapping her fingers in front of my face.
I glance up at her. “Huh?”
She exhales with a frown. “You’ve been cleaning the same section for the last twenty minutes.”
I glance down at the workstation I’m actually meant to be pulling apart rather than cleaning, and I throw the cloth down in a huff. “I’m gonna go get some more cloths.”
Jana raises her brow but nods as I stomp my way over to the supply closet. I walk in, searching for the cloths, and a flashback hits me— Xander, me, up against the shelves kissing like mad fools . My chest squeezes as the emotion slams into me full force.
I want to be strong.
I’m supposed to be brave.
But right now, seeing Xander dressed like him, like Alex, it’s all a little too much.
Tears pool in my eyes, and my throat squeezes in anguish. I scarcely breathe as my heart hammers. I can’t help it, the tears start to cascade down my cheeks as I sob. My hand smothers my mouth to try and keep quiet so Jana can’t hear me. I clench my eyes shut, trying to contain myself. But the harder I try to stop my emotions, the stronger they become, and the more intense the flashes of Xander and I up against those shelves appear. They’re like living Technicolor invading my mind as I cry full force, gut-wrenching tears, the hot liquid pouring down my face while my stomach’s heaving and my legs give out from under me, and I plummet to the floor.
How could he do this to me?
How could I let him do this to me?
I rock back and forth on my butt, my emotions wracking through my body, enveloping me and taking me prisoner. I haven’t cried like this in so long, certainly not since my parents passed away. A piece of me is dying right now. A piece of me who felt I had a future with Xander, like we could have built a life together. He was everything I could have ever wanted, for me, for Levi. But he’s this whole other persona, a man I’ve been waging a war against for so long.
How the hell did I not know?
The way his face would crinkle or the way he would shift when I talked about Alex Scott, yes, I should have picked up on his reactions more. I’m so damn stupid, and I have no one to blame but myself.
This misery I’m feeling right now is my own burden to bear as tears flood my cheeks. I sniff back, trying to keep myself in some sort of semblance of a functioning state, but it’s hard when my emotions quickly become out of control. I need to find a way to calm myself, but I can’t as I rock back and forth, thinking, wishing things were different, just wanting one more night with Xander, Just Xander , not the ghosts of Alex in the room.
Suddenly, the door flies open, and Jana’s eyes shift down to me. “Oh, T-Tomi.” Her voice breaks as she drops to the floor, yanking me into her arms.
It only makes me cry harder as she strokes my hair. “Let it out, honey… just let it all out.”
I collapse into her arms as she holds onto me like she’s my lifeline. I need her right now as I cry for everything I’ve lost.
It all hits me.
Not only Xander—he’s just the catalyst of this meltdown.
My shop.
My business family.
Kaylie.
My parents.
Stability for Levi.
I’ve lost so much in my twenty-five years, and it’s all hitting me with gale-force winds blowing right through my soul. I’m a blubbering mess as I sob uncontrollably in Jana’s lap. She’s doing everything right as she simply sits with me, stroking my hair while I let this built-up emotion sweep me into its wake. She gently rocks me back and forth in a soothing motion as the sobbing gradually eases, the hiccups start, and my tears begin to slow.
I have no idea how long we’ve been on the floor.
It feels like seconds.
Or is it a lifetime?
I have no concept of time right now as I sniffle and slowly sit up in her arms. Her somber eyes glisten like she, too, is on the verge of tears as she leans in, wiping stray tears from my cheek.
“Tomi, I’ve let you have your mental break. You deserved it. It was needed. But honey, you have to pull your shit together now.”
My eyes widen as I take in her no-bullshit attitude. I know she cares about me. She’s not trying to be mean, so I hear her out. I wipe my nose with the back of my hand, blinking a few times. “I don’t know how?”
Jana reaches out, steadying my shoulders, staring me dead in the eyes. “Yes, you do. I know this hurts. I know what Xander… Alex, whoever the fuck he is, has hurt you. What he did was unthinkable. But Tomi, you don’t have the time to have a meltdown over him, and you know why?”
It clicks into place. My heart hammers. I recall the one shining light left in my life. I may have lost everything I hold dear right now—my shop, the people I work with, my career, and Xander—but I still have the one young man who shines the brightest out of everything in the entire world. Levi.
I nod as I take in a deep breath. “I have to be strong for my brother.”
Jana’s gorgeous pale face lights up the small room. “There you go, you’re getting it. I know this is hard, and it fucking sucks, but girl, you have something, no someone, you need to live for. Someone you need to be on your A-game for. If you go down in a heap, what will that do for Levi?”
Inhaling sharply, the thought of me not functioning for Levi almost breaks me all over again. But I find the strength to pull my big girl panties up and wipe my face. “Thank you. You’re so good at this.”
Jana chuckles. “No, Tomi, you’re good at this. You’re amazing with Levi. You’re the best person in his life.”
I pull myself up, dust myself off, and stand tall. “Okay, I’m ready. Let’s get on with this. I might be losing my shop, but I’ll be damned if I’m going to cry another stupid tear over Alex-asshole Scott.”
Jana stands, smiling wide. “There’s the Tomi I know.” She wraps her arm around my shoulders, and we head back out into my studio for the last time today. We’re almost finished packing up. When we’re done, we’ll be saying goodbye for good.
But I won’t cry.
Not again.
It’s time to be a stronger, more positive Tomi.
For Levi and me.
I can do this.
I know I can.