Chapter 30 #2
“I did see that. I thought she was dead. The story I told you was true. Belladonna bit me and turned me, thinking I’d either die or join them.
Either way, she was getting rid of me, their most lethal problem, or getting me on their side.
But I did neither. After I turned, I spent months killing vampires, losing my mind at what I had become, hating every breath, every beat of my heart.
At some point they realized I was a daywalker, the first in so long, and that’s when they sent Oriana.
She came to me six months after that night.
She got all the way to my room without being detected.
At first I thought I was hallucinating, and when I realized the truth, I almost killed her. ”
My stomach sank. His hands tightened ever so slightly on my body.
“She begged me to come with her. We were both vampires. We weren’t wanted in Nighthaven anymore.
She begged me to make her a daywalker. I knew then that Belladonna had sent her.
Why else would she have let me think she was dead for so long?
Belladonna had wanted me to come to her on my own.
For most vampires, there’s a draw to the vampire who sires you.
But that pull wasn’t there, at least not strong enough for me.
I had no desire to go to her. I hate her.
” He took a breath. “But they wanted my daywalking secret. And that’s when I realized I had an in. ”
My brows pinched. “An in?”
“Think about it. They have spies in Nighthaven. The door to the city closes before sunset every single night. There are no exceptions. Someone opened that door last night. So why shouldn’t we have spies who play the part?
I went with Oriana and I became what they wanted me to be.
I played the loyal brother who wanted to help her become a daywalker.
I said she convinced me to join them. It took months to assure them I’d traded sides.
I drank more blood than I could stand, behaved in ways I never wanted to.
Killed people I shouldn’t have. But even if they don’t trust me, they won’t kill me. They want my secret.”
He always had an excuse, the perfect story. I wasn’t even sure I wanted to know, but I still asked, “So your plan is to do what?”
“I’m here so I can kill Belladonna and the kings. They die, the vampire kingdom of Nocturnus crumbles. I told you I am LOA until I die and I meant that.”
I narrowed my eyes. “Why haven’t you done it yet? It’s been almost three years and you’re the best assassin in Nighthaven. You’re close to them, it should be easy work.”
He deadpanned. “In case you didn’t notice, I can’t.
Belladonna completely controls me. If I even attempted to harm her, she’d drop me.
For a while I was working with a scholar to learn to block mind control, but Belladonna is too powerful.
So after a year of trying to keep control of my mind unsuccessfully, I gave up.
I just couldn’t keep living this double life.
I told you the truth. I was going to have Commander Locke kill me that day of The Rite until I saw you. ”
I wanted to believe him, but what if that was just my heart?
“Because of what your Aunt Murial told you? What did she say about me that would make you change your mind? You didn’t tell me when I asked before.”
He let out a slow, controlled breath as if he was scared to confess. “She said you would be the only love of my life and that you could save me from myself.”
My heart skipped. “And is that true?”
“The first part is. I don’t know about the second.”
A warm triumph flooded my chest. The desire to lean into him again, to kiss him, and tell him I loved him back pulled at me. I was at war with myself. This draw between us was too powerful, it was beyond reason. I pushed it down. Cut it off. I’d never experienced anything like it. “You love me?”
He held my gaze and nodded. He’d given me his dagger. Said he wanted me, but he didn’t say he loved me at The Nightcap. My throat tightened with raw emotion. I wanted it to be true despite everything. “Vampires can’t love, according to your king.”
“Maybe he can’t.” He reached up and gently dragged his thumb over my bottom lip. “But I’m in love with you, Aesira Havarsdotter.”
I closed my eyes, let out a soft moan. But I pulled back from his touch.
I couldn’t think straight when he touched me, spoke to me like that.
He would have to work to regain my trust. He’d deceived me too many times.
How did I know he wasn’t lying about this too, just to keep me wrapped around his finger?
“Why didn’t you tell me you were doing this before?”
He scrubbed his hand over his face. “For one, I was afraid you wouldn’t believe me. Like now. If I said I was working for Belladonna and the kings to get close enough to kill them, would you have accepted that? And like I said, I didn’t want to involve you. It’s too dangerous.”
“I don’t know if I would have believed it,” I answered truthfully. “But why not have your sister kill Belladonna while you get the twins? Belladonna only controls men.”
“I can’t trust her enough to even suggest it. She likes being a vampire and could turn on me. Then all my work to get them to trust me would be worthless.”
I nibbled on my lower lip. “How do I know you’re not lying?
I don’t know what is true and what isn’t.
How do I know that you’re not truly a spy inside LOA looking for the daywalker magic and this is your cover story, so I’ll shut up?
You could just be saying you love me because you know how much I’ve wanted you.
You think that’s what I want to hear. How do I know it’s real? ”
Those blue eyes bore into mine, stirring something in my soul. I wanted to trust him. I wanted to let myself believe him. I wanted him. That same question whispered in my mind. Was I meant to kill him or save him? The raven or the eagle.
“If you think I feel nothing for you, then kill me. My heart belongs to you. Stab it, keep it, it’s yours. Whatever you choose, it’s what you’re meant to do.”
I gulped and goosebumps ran down my spine.
The irony of his word choice chilled me to the bone.
There had to be something wrong with me.
He was a vampire who had lied to me over and over.
I was an assassin who shouldn’t even question this.
We danced at the edge of a sword, caught between the shadow of death and the unyielding force that drew our souls together.
My mind told me to end him. My heart screamed no. I slowly eased the dagger from his neck and pushed him away. “You really want to kill Belladonna?”
“Yes.” He stepped so close our bodies brushed.
The scratches Belladonna had given him were already gone.
That pull between us overwhelmed me. I reached up to touch his cheek and he leaned into me, took hold of my waist. I closed my eyes with a shuddering breath.
“Because I still have something worth fighting for,” he whispered in my ear, sending goosebumps down my spine.
“Fight harder than ever, remember? Eventually I will find a way.”
I gripped his hands and pushed them down. He was too tempting. I needed a clear mind. “You might not be able to kill Belladonna because of her power, but I can.”
His eyes flashed and he shook his head. “No, even if you could get to her, there are over a hundred vampires in there. We’d never make it out.
I won’t watch you die. There will be a time and place for that, but it isn’t now.
Tonight, when she took control of me, your vision of us got through.
It started to break her hold on me somehow.
I think we could work on that together. We have no idea what you’re capable of.
If you can break through her power and stop her hold on me, I could kill her and the twins. But we need to be ready.”
“I felt your grip loosen...” If I could have held it longer, he might have let go entirely.
I just didn’t know if I trusted what he said.
He was too good at pretending. I thought back to the night we danced, when he said he was taught to charm.
Was he charming me or them? I guess time would tell.
He hadn’t given them the daywalker magic and he knew its maker.
That was the only real evidence I had that he was still on our side.
“Can we leave now?”
“Sure, Aesira. But promise me you’ll be good at pretending I’m just the Vander you thought I was yesterday.
We’ll go back. I’ll make up a story about how I rescued you and we killed a slew of vampires.
You’ll take your exam in a couple of weeks and become a fully fledged assassin.
I will help you campaign to get your family inside the wall, and we will find a way to bring down the vampire kingdom together. ”
I wanted to bring down the vampires so much my chest ached.
I could pretend, but life would not be the same.
How could I sleep in the same room as him now, knowing he worked for the enemy?
Who was it Belladonna wanted him to kill?
What if I was just like his sister, falling for the wrong man so he could get what he wanted?
He never would have told me anything if I hadn’t found out on my own.
He was the very thing he had trained me to kill.
He was everything I hated—yet all my desires.
I couldn’t believe what I was about to say. But Vander was my way out of here.
“Alright, Vander. I promise. For now.”