Chapter 29
HELENA
“You’re not ready to go back to Venom.” Flex has been raring to go since the moment they let him out of the hospital. His leg is still healing, and every time I see his scar, I’m reminded of the sacrifice he made to save me.
We haven’t talked about it much, choosing to focus on all the positives in our lives. I’ve been talking to Genevieve when I need to process. She’s a very successful psychologist, so it’s been good to chat through stuff without burdening Flex. He had to live and die through it. Me bringing up my damage isn’t going to help anything.
“Wrong. Pierce signed off on my dick days ago.”
“What does Pierce have to do with your dick? You know he’s a brain surgeon, right?”
“Exactly. He knows about my other brain.” He always makes me laugh when I’m trying to be serious.
“Very funny. I don’t want to damage your leg and set your recovery back.”
“I want you to ride my dick, not my leg. I’ll settle for you riding my face if you’re that worried,” he says with a wicked grin.
“I’m not getting off and leaving you hanging.”
“I won’t be hanging, pet. I’m standing very much to attention. ”
“Not what I meant.” He wraps his arms around my waist.
“Come on. This is torture. You can’t be walking around looking hot as fuck and expect me not to make you scream my name like a good little sub.”
Damn, he’s making it difficult for me to hold out. I’ve been losing my mind the past few weeks since he got home. When a guy literally takes a bullet for you, it’s hard not to climb him like a tree, especially when my tree is gorgeous, and I miss his dick so much it aches.
How do I tell him I’m scared? I almost lost him, and even though I can see him recovering and getting stronger every day, I have this paralyzing fear that I’m going to hurt him.
“No. The doctor at the hospital said four weeks. It’s only been two.”
“Pierce trumps that guy. He was a great surgeon, but I doubt he’d know what to do with a naked woman. Pierce understands the sex drive of a Dom. He said I’m good to go.”
“I have to go run some errands. We can talk about it when I get home. Are you sure you’re okay to hang with Gracie?”
“I’m a tad slow for breaking the one-hundred-meter sprint world record, but I can keep up with my little bear. Go, run your errands.” I can see that he’s frustrated, and so am I, but I need to talk. I texted Viv, and she said I could meet her at Venom in an hour, so I decided to swing by the office before going to meet her.
While I’m gathering some paperwork, Dalton appears at my side. “Aren’t you supposed to be on leave?”
“Technically, but I have a project I want to work on, and I’m going stir crazy. I am used to being on the go twenty-four-seven.”
“Flex getting on your last nerve?” he says with a knowing look in his eye.
“No. He’s really not. It’s just that he… never mind. Let’s avoid a TMI moment.”
“He’s a horndog.”
“It’s weird for us to talk about this. Has he mentioned anything to you? ”
“Of course. He’s Flex. There is no TMI boundary he won’t cross.”
“Oh good. I’m so glad he’s telling my boss all his sex woes.”
“I think we’ve been through enough recently that we can move past the I’m-your-boss stage. We’re family.”
“And people don’t talk to their family about their sex life either.”
“Maybe vanilla families don’t, but you know as well as I do that we’re all up in each other’s business at Venom. Even when we don’t want to be.”
“He’s still healing.”
“Yeah, but a big part of his identity is being your Dom. Removing that aspect has to be difficult for him right now. Just keep that in mind. I know we’re all hyper-vigilant about every twinge, ache, or pain he has, but the guy was a Navy SEAL. He’s a fucking badass.”
“I guess.” I know he’s right. Flex would handle anything I throw at him with ease, but I can’t get over my own hangups. “Anyway, I need to get going. Thanks for the pep talk.”
“Any time. Tell Gracie, Funkle Dally says hi. We’re still on for dinner this weekend, right?”
“Yep. I’ll let her know. She has all of you wrapped around her finger.”
“Guilty as charged. Never thought I’d see the day that Flex became a dad, but when I see him with her, it is just amazing.”
“I can’t argue with you there.” I shove some files into my purse and check my watch. “I’m running late. We’ll see you on Saturday.”
“Sure thing.”
I consider what he said about Flex being badass as I ride the elevator down. Logically, I understand what he’s saying and that it’s true, but every time I look at his scar, I’m back in that room, and Flex isn’t breathing. It haunts my dreams.
When I reach the lobby, I scurry to the revolving doors and out onto the sidewalk. It makes my skin crawl remembering the moment Michael spoke my name and kidnapped Gracie and me. I have to get over this because he’s not coming back, and I can’t live with the echo of fear every time I go to work .
I feel physically sick as I walk the few blocks to Venom, pulling out my phone to type a quick message.
Me: Is everything okay? Do you need me to come home? How’s Gracie? Did she go down for her nap?
Flex: We’re fine. Everything is fine, same as it was when you texted me thirty minutes ago. You don’t need to rush home. Gracie is sound asleep on my lap. We were watching Beauty and the Beast.
Me: She shouldn’t be on your lap. She could hurt your leg.
Flex: Are we talking about the same kid? She weighs nothing. I’m not some fragile little bird that’s going to break. I’m fine, Helena.
Everyone has been amazing, adapting to calling me by my real name. I think I’m the one struggling with it. Helena was the doormat that Micheal abused. When I became Celest, I got to reinvent myself. I got clean. I became a mom and a submissive. I want to be Helena again, but I just feel uneasy.
When I reach Venom, Viv is already waiting for me in the bar. “Well, if it isn’t the lovely Helena Maxwell.” She stands to greet me, pulling me into her arms.
I sink into her embrace, the weight of the world—my world—on my shoulders.
“Hey, Viv.”
“What’s wrong? Why did you wince when I said hello?”
“I don’t know. I’m still adjusting to being Helena again.” I take a seat, resting my elbows on the bar.
“You’re still the same person. It doesn’t change how any of us view you. You know that, right?”
“It’s not that. I think it changes the way I feel about myself. Helena is the reason Michael showed up and kidnapped me and my daughter. Helena is the reason Flex died in front of me. ”
Viv reaches for me, her hand on my arm. “Look at me.” I know that tone. When a Dom/Domme says, “Look at me,” you’re about to get your ass handed to you.
“Your name isn’t your whole identity. You are still the same fierce woman who walked through those doors like she belonged. From day one, you knew Venom was the piece of the puzzle you were missing. Your name doesn’t matter. We all still love you.”
“Thanks, Viv. There’s just so much going on in my head every minute of every day. I’m terrified all the time, even though I know that Michael is gone.”
“Have you voiced your fears to Flex?”
“No. It’s not his burden to bear. He’s been through enough.”
“You don’t think your Dom should know if you’re struggling?”
“Under any other circumstance, I would absolutely address such an issue with Flex. But this is different. I lie awake at night, watching the rise and fall of his chest as he sleeps. I’m haunted by the memory of him dying. Seeing the amount of blood that he lost and knowing there was no way he should have survived is a permanent wound in my soul.”
“But he survived.”
“I can’t get the memory out of my head. He wants to start getting physical again, and I just can’t.”
“What do you feel is holding you back?”
“I don’t know. That’s why I came to see you.”
“I’m a psychologist, not a psychic.”
“I miss his body and the way he makes mine sing.”
“Then, what are you waiting for?”
“Loving him this much is a scary place to be. I let my guard down for the first time in years and let Flex get close to me. I got him shot. Michael came for me, and Flex was the collateral damage. My past almost killed him.”
“You need to stop the blame game, Helena. It’s not healthy for you to dwell on it. Flex needs to move on, and if you can’t allow him the space and conversation to do that, then maybe he’s not the Dom for you.” That irks me.
“What? You think I’m too damaged for him? ”
“Listen to yourself. My job is not to convince you to do anything. I’m here as a sounding board so that you can work through your emotions.”
“I thought the purpose of this was to have a drink with my friend.”
“Then why choose me? You could go to Freya with your woes.”
I’m getting frustrated, and she knows it. Crawling under my skin to push me into an uncomfortable place.
“You know why!”
“Then say it. There’s no one but us here, Helena.”
“Because he’s the love of my life, and I’m terrified that he’s going to wake up one day and realize he could’ve done so much better than me. Is that what you want to hear?”
“Is it the truth?”
“Yes! I’m an ex-junkie, single mother with PTSD from years of torture and rape at Michael’s hands. And now, every time I look at Flex, I’m reminded that I pushed him to the point that he had to take a man’s life for me. When I close my eyes at night, all I see is blood. I’m disturbed by how little I care that Michael’s face was gone after the bullet hit.”
“That’s a lot for anyone to deal with, but you didn’t put Flex in that room. He chose to come for you. He was willing to risk his life if it meant keeping you and Gracie safe from harm. You can’t claim his decision.”
“I’m not trying to.”
“But you are. The question you need to ask yourself is, as Helena, do you still want Flex to be your Dom? Things are different now. You’re not on the run. You have been given a chance to reclaim your life, and it may or may not include Flex.” Is she trying to piss me off? Because it’s working.
“Of course, it involves him. I want to marry him. He’s Gracie’s dad. I’m just frozen to the spot whenever he tries to initiate sex or even a little foreplay.”
“Why do you think that is?” She’s good at her job, I’ll give her that.
“Because… I fear losing him again. I love him so much that it sc ares me. I’ve never felt this way about any man before. I would follow him to the ends of the earth and beyond. If anything ever happened to him, I don’t think I could survive it.”
“You have to choose to focus on the good, Helena. You and Flex get your chance at happily ever after. Not many people find that kind of love in their life. Cherish it. Enjoy it.”
“Why me, though? Why do I get to find my person? I’m nothing special.”
“Oh, little sub.” She reaches over, cupping my cheek in her small, delicate hand. “You are so special to everyone who has had the privilege of getting to know you. Flex Navarro is one of the most genuine men I’ve ever met. He doesn’t love you because you’ve inadvertently hoodwinked him. He sees you for who you are. Not for what you can do for him or to make you beg for scraps. That man is head over heels in love with you. It’s evident to anyone who has been in a room with the two of you. The way he looks at you, Helena, it’s fucking breathtaking. I pray I’ll find that someday.”
“Flex doesn’t know, but when I took the answering machine to the hospital, I had to get it from his safe. There was a ring box. I didn’t look at it, and I haven’t asked him about it.”
“And this isn’t something you want?”
“He hasn’t brought it up. I wonder if he changed his mind. He said something in the hospital about being my husband, but he was high on pain meds at the time.”
“Girl, you need to march your ass home and talk to your Dominant. You’re floundering because you thrive in submission. You’ve taken on a different role these past few weeks. It will pass. Flex is too much of a Dom to change. It’s in every fiber of his being.”
The penny drops. I thrive in submission. I’m fighting Flex on everything, trying to wrap him in cotton wool. Viv is right—I have to connect with my submissive side.
“Thanks, Viv.”
“Anytime. I’ve missed you around here.”
“We’ll be back soon.”
“Good. Now go home and let your man be the Dom he was born to be. ”
“Yes, Mistress,” I tease.
“Good girl.” It’s been so long since I’ve been praised that way. I love being Flex’s good girl. His whore, and slut, but above all else, his submissive.
Flex is sound asleep with Gracie starfish napping on him when I get home. I don’t have the heart to wake them, so I sneak down the hall to our bedroom and unbox the lingerie I bought today. I found a delicate clitoral chain that I think Flex will enjoy, especially as it will be the only thing I’m wearing after Gracie goes to sleep.
Taking a quick shower, I shave my legs, among other things, before doing some light makeup and slipping into the clitoral G-string. I like to tease myself sometimes—anticipation is half the fun. It displays my clit perfectly, a pearl droplet brushing against me with every step. Holy shit, it feels good.
I’m excited as I pull on an innocuous pair of sweatpants and a hoodie.
The rest of our day is uneventful until Gracie jumps up on Flex, and her little foot catches him directly on his gunshot wound. I rush over and grab her off his lap as he writhes in silent agony evident in the pained look on his face and the fist in his mouth to stop him from crying out.
“Come on, Gracie, time for bed.”
“Night, night, Daddy.” She has no idea the pain she just inflicted on him.
“Night, Gracie bear,” he says through gritted teeth. “I’ll come and tuck you in tight when you’ve brushed your teeth and gotten into your PJs.”
“Yay!” She goes skipping down the hallway, and as I turn to see Flex, the color is drained from his face.
“Are you okay?”
“Fine. Just give me a minute.”
“Should I call Pierce or Freya? They could come to take a look.”
“I’m fine. Please stop fussing over me, Helena. I’m not some delicate glass that’s going to shatter if you so much as look at me with anything other than pity.”
“I don’t pity you.”
“Then why won’t you let me be here for you?”
“Because I’m not the one who got shot. Your heart stopped beating, Flex. There was no pulse, and I was scrambling to keep what little blood there was left inside you. I was terrified. Heartbroken. If I could’ve laid down beside you and taken my last breath, I would have. Is that what you want to hear?”
“I just want you to talk to me, pet.”
“I love you so much it hurts. I ache for you every moment of every day, and I need you more than my next breath. While you were in a coma, I spent so much time pondering the old adage… better to have loved and lost than never be loved at all. I didn’t want to go on without you. You’re my addiction, and that scares the shit out of me. I could never pity you, Master. I love you too goddamn much to have anything other than the deepest adoration and all-consuming love for you.”
“If that’s the case, then you should have no problem going into our bedroom and stripping off those clothes. You think I’m too fragile to take you over my knee, fair enough. I’ll decide when we’re resuming our usual activities, but you will ride my face tonight because I’m starved for your taste.”
“I…” There’s no point in putting up a fight. If I’m honest, I am ready to ride him like a bucking bronco at the rodeo. My pussy is wet for him, and he’ll get a nice surprise when he sees my new jewelry.
“Run along, pet, and don’t touch yourself while you wait. I’ll be there shortly.” His voice is a little strained, but I do as I’m told. Viv was right—I need to resubmit to Flex. I’ve been so focused on everything that we’ve been through I let our relationship fall by the wayside.
I pad down the hallway to our master suite before slipping out of my clothes. I stand before the floor-to-ceiling mirror in the closet, staring at myself. I’ve lost weight with all the worrying I have been doing since the night Flex was shot. My hip bones stick out a little too much, and my breasts are smaller, but my new jewelry showcases my pussy to perfection, and that part of myself awakens. I’m ready to be touched and devoured by my Dom as I ride his face with wild abandon.
I wait for a while, but he doesn’t appear, so I pull on my hoodie and sashay back toward the living room, where I see Flex hunched over with pills in one hand and a drink in the other.
“Flex, are you okay?” He turns to reply, but his face is pale.
“Holy fuck. I forgot how beautiful you are. Come here and let me see what you’ve got on.”
“Are you feeling okay?”
“My leg hurts.”
“From when Gracie jumped on you earlier?”
“It’s fine. I just took some painkillers. I’ll be good to go in a minute.”
“No, it’s okay, I’ll just go and put my sweats back on.” I turn on my heel, but he reaches out and grabs my wrist.
“Not so fast, pet. I want to see your kitty cat jewelry. This is new. Take off the hoodie.” I do as he asks and stand before him naked but for the silver that frames my pussy, engorging my clit.
“Do you like it?” The rapid rise and fall of my chest give me away. I’m so turned on that I think I could come if Flex so much as blew on my clit right now.
“It’s fucking gorgeous.” His fingers trail up my leg before following the chain around my hips, leading to the cool metal adornment that isolates my clit. Licking one finger, he casually rubs small circles—barely a ghost of a touch—and I’m ready to fall apart under his ministrations.
“Oh… Master. That feels so good.”
“I bet it does. I think it’s time we take this party back to our bedroom, where I can lock you in and have my wicked way with you.”
“Your leg, though.”
“I swear to God, if you say that one more time, I am going to lose my shit and fuck you so hard my damn leg could fall off, and I still wouldn’t stop. Get into our room. Now. Up on the bed in the position. You remember, don’t you, pet?”
“Yes, Master.”
“Go ahead. I want to admire the view from behind.”
“As you wish.” I can’t say I’m upset being told what to do. I just want to forget about everything for one night. We’ll still be recovering physically tomorrow and the day after that until any evidence of Michael is wiped clean. The mental recovery will take much longer, but as long as I have Flex by my side and our little family to come home to at night, I think we’re going to be fine. Better than fine.
Flex and I got our second chance to raise our daughter together and choose each other every morning when we wake up. It’s not about being worthy or forgetting the mistakes we’ve made along the way, but what matters is how you rise from the ashes. As long as I have Flex, I know he will always be there to catch me, allowing me to soar like a phoenix.
Becoming a submissive was one of the best decisions of my life, but submitting to Flex is a compulsion. I need him more than my next breath, and I will never stop striving to be worthy of the love he so generously gives.
We can be happy, free from the past, and excited for a future full of possibilities.