Chapter 28
FLEX
I keep playing the footage over and over.
It’s become an obsession. Every night, I dream of them. How scared they must have been, knowing they were going to die. I miss them so much, and in every nightmare, I can’t save them. I can never get to them, their hands just out of reach. It always ends the same way.
I see their faces as they embrace each other, my mother weeping softly as she accepts her fate, cradled in the arms of the man she loved more than anything. And then they’re gone, and I’m back in the school office, watching myself fall apart.
My grandmother did her best for a few years, but in the end, she died of a broken heart. She was never the same after that day, and neither was I.
When she passed, I disappeared with the money from my parents’ estate. I refused to go into the system, so I dropped out of school and kept moving until I was old enough to enlist. It’s the least I could do for my parents.
War changes you. The things I’ve seen. The things I’ve done in the name of justice. I don’t lose sleep over defending my country. The look on my parents’ faces is what disturbs my sleep.
Tonight is no different. I find myself in World Trade Center One, watching my mom and dad from across the room. They comfort each other as they leave the last message for me. It’s so hot, smoke filling the space. In my dreams, I can see them clear as day. I take a few cautious steps toward them, knowing they’ll be gone in the blink of an eye, and I’ll be back where I started.
But something is different this time.
They’re looking right at me.
“Mom.” My voice quivers as I take another step.
“My sweet boy. Look what a fine man you’ve become.” My heart is hammering in my chest. I know this is all just a dream, but it feels so real.
I look at my hands—the hands of a man. I’m not the small, scared little boy I once was.
“You can see me?”
My father pulls my mom to her feet before opening his arms to me. “Hello, son. We’ve been waiting for you.”
I rush forward, wrapping my arms around both of them. The scent of my mom’s perfume is a comfort I haven’t felt in more than twenty years. “I’ve missed you guys. I’m so sorry.”
“You have nothing to be sorry for, Felix.” Tears spill from my eyes as I hold them tight.
“You weren’t supposed to be there, Mom. It was my fault that you were in the building. I’m sorry. I’m so sorry.” My knees begin to buckle, but my dad steadies me, pulling me tight against his chest.
“Felix, you are our son, and we love you unconditionally. You can’t keep carrying around this survivor’s guilt. You’ve served your country in our honor. You’re a good man, and you found love. That’s all we ever wanted for you. To find someone who loves you as much as we do.”
Celest.
Gracie.
“I almost got her and her daughter killed. I let my guard down and lost sight of the target. I was supposed to keep them safe.”
“You did. You saved both of them. Gracie still has her mother because of you. And you want to be her daddy.”
Tears well in my eyes because I know they’re speaking the truth. I wanted that future with Celest and Gracie. “I love her as if she were my own.”
“You are her daddy, Felix. It was always going to be you.”
“And now I’m depriving her of one.”
My mom rests her hand over mine. “You still have work to do, Felix. It’s not your time. ”
“But…”
“We love you, my sweet boy. You are loved. You are worthy, and you are so brave. Don’t let this define you.”
I grasp her hand, but the tighter I grip, the more she slips away. Before my eyes, they disappear, and I lose them all over again.
Left alone in the dark, I cry out for help as unimaginable pain floods my body. I’m screaming, but there’s no sound. I’m locked in my mind with no way out.
“Message number one.”
“Felix, my sweet, sweet boy. I wish I knew when I hugged you this morning that it would be the last time. I would have held you longer, squeezed you tighter, and told you that you are the greatest achievement of my lifetime. I know you don’t like anyone to know you’ve got a sensitive side but never be afraid to show it with the right girl when she comes along. I hate that your major milestones will always be punctuated with our absence, but we will always be in your heart. So, if you find yourself struggling in the quiet moments, look inward and know that every fiber of your being is loved beyond measure in this life and the next. Don’t let the loss define you.”
“You need to wake up, Flex. Your girls are struggling.” Dalton’s voice hangs in the air, a tangible thread to hold onto. “I’m struggling. You’re my brother and the guy I would go to for advice when shit hits the fan. You hit the fan, Flex, and I don’t know what the fuck I’m doing. We’re supporting Helena and Gracie as best we can. Fuck, I don’t even know how much you knew going into that house. Did you know her name wasn’t Celest? Regardless… you love her, and that’s enough for all of us.”
I’m tugging on that thread, trying to follow it back.
“Pierce said you can probably hear us, but if you breathe a word to anyone that I was in here gushing about how much I miss you, I’ll deny it. I’m being selfish, bro. After losing Mom, I can’t take another loss. Not you, and not like this. Some motherfucking, small-time drug lord piece of shit. No way. You’re Flex Warren Navarro. You were a goddamn Navy SEAL. He can’t take you out.”
The strings of my life are in every voice that dips in and out of my consciousness. Dalton. Celest. Ryder.
Helena.
“Message number two.”
“Felix, I’m so sorry I won’t be there to teach you how to shave or drive, but I know you’ll grow into a fine young man. This isn’t something we ever could have imagined, but we will hold out hope until the very last second that we can make it back to you.
“There are a few things I need you to know. I love you, son. The happiest day of my life was the day you were born. I understood what unconditional love meant. Don’t let grief turn you into someone you’re not. You are already becoming a good young man. Continue to be true to yourself.
“When you find someone who loves you for exactly who you are, flaws and all, marry her. Put down roots, and don’t be afraid to love. I know you have a journey ahead of you, dealing with this at such a young age, but you are strong. Be a leader, not a follower.
“Protect those you love, and don’t live with regret. It just weighs you down. Be fierce in your pursuit of happiness. I love you so much, Felix.”
“It’s been four weeks since you died in front of me, Master. Twenty-eight days since you saved my life. There are so many things I want to say, but I can’t. Not until you come back to me.”
Her voice is strained, exhaustion clear in the slow drawl of every syllable.
“Gracie drew you a picture. She asked me to help her write your name on it. Daddy. It’s of you and your ‘little bear.’ I need you to come back to us, Flex. As a daddy, as my Dom, and the love of my life. Please, if you can hear me… ”
Her voice fades out, replaced with machines beeping and the distant sound of a wall clock ticking. There’s a rhythmic beat. In. Out. Up. Down. Breathe in. Breathe out.
Breathe in. Breathe out.
Fuck. I can’t catch my breath. I’m choking.
“Flex… oh my God. What’s happening? Nurse! Someone. Anyone. Help.” When I closed my eyes at Celest’s old house, she was screaming for help.
There’s something stuck in my throat.
A flurry of voices floods the room. I try to focus on Celest, but there is too much going on.
“He’s fighting the intubation.”
“What does that mean?” There she is.
“It’s a good thing. It means he’s trying to breathe on his own.”
“Oh my God. Flex, I’m right here.” Her tone is different. Hopeful.
“Felix. If you can try to cough for me, I’m going to remove your breathing tube. It’s going to feel uncomfortable for a moment.”
I do as they ask, coughing as the tube is pulled out, and it makes me gag. Is this what deepthroating feels like? Fuck that. I need to reward Celest more after she takes my dick like a champ.
“Felix. I’m Dr. Freund, one of your doctors over the past few weeks. Can you tell me your full name?”
I attempt to talk, but my throat is on fire. Fuck saying my name. I open my eyes, scanning the room for the one face I’ve been holding onto through all of this, and when I find her, my pulse quickens for everyone to hear. I’m hooked up to a million different things, and I’m sure one of them is my pulse.
“You’re a sight for sore eyes, pet.” I don’t recognize my own voice. I sound like I’ve been swallowing swords.
She bursts into tears before launching herself at me, much to the doctors’ dismay. “You’re okay.” I drink her in as she presses a kiss to my lips.
“I really need to brush my teeth before you do that again.” That gets her smiling. She’s so fucking beautiful .
“I don’t care.” Her lips crash down on mine, and my muscles protest as I wrap my arms around her.
“We’ll give you guys a minute.” The doctors and nurses filter out of the room, leaving me with my girl.
“Get up here, pet.”’
“I don’t want to hurt you.”
“Get up on this bed and lie next to me before I put you over my knee and spank that delectable ass of yours.”
“Yes, Master.” She carefully climbs up, trying not to snag any of the leads and tubes as she nestles in at my side. The scent of her perfume delights my senses.
“Are you okay, pet?”
“I can’t believe you’re asking me. You’re the one who came back from the dead.”
“That’s exactly why I’m asking. That must have been really traumatic and scary for you.”
“You saved us. Gracie and me.”
“Where is my Gracie bear?”
“She’s been staying at my mom’s so I could be here with you.”
“I can’t wait to see her. Let’s get out of here and go home.” I attempt to move, but every muscle aches, and my thigh is pounding.
“Hold up there, buddy. You’re in no fit state to be getting out of this bed right now.”
I have just enough energy to pat her ass. “Less of the ‘buddy.’ I might be in a hospital without the strength to fight my way out of a paper bag, but I’m still your Master.”
“Hell yes, you are.” Her heart is beating so fast and in sync with mine.
“I need to call everyone and let them know.”
“Call Dalton and give me the phone.” She does as I ask—my perfect little sub.
“Hey, Helena.” That catches me off guard. I need to get used to calling her by her real name.
“Hello there, you sexy beast.”
“Flex! ”
“The one and only. You didn’t think you’d get rid of me that easily, did you?”
“If I weren’t so fucking happy to hear your voice, I’d chew you out for going into a hostage situation alone.”
“It’s good to be back, bro. And wouldn’t you do the same thing for Nad?”
“In a heartbeat.”
“Can you do me a favor?” Fuck, it hurts to talk.
“Anything.”
“Go pick up my Gracie bear and bring her in.”
“I’m on it.”
“Thanks, man. See you soon.” I end the call and find my pet crying.
“I love you.”
“I love you too.”
“Gracie told me what she said to you the day of the shooting.”
“One of the best moments of my life, followed by the worst.”
“I thought I’d lost you.”
“I’ve never been so terrified in my life. Not of dying. Seeing Gracie bound and gagged… I’ve never felt rage like that before. And then to walk in on you…”
“That rage is called being a parent.”
We never discussed my role in Gracie’s life, even after we moved in together. Maybe it was an unspoken agreement, but in our lifestyle, we love hard facts. The irony of how our relationship began isn’t lost on me.
“How do you feel about that? About Gracie wanting me to be her daddy?” My heart is hammering in my chest.
“It’s not something we talked about.”
“Oh.”
“I already see you as her daddy. My only concern is whether or not you’re comfortable with it.”
“Are you kidding? Next to you, she’s the only person I want to see right now. I want it all. I want to be your Dom and your husband. I want to be Gracie’s dad. We deserve our happily ever after… Helena. ”
Did I just propose?
“I’m so sorry I didn’t tell you my real name. I wanted to, so many times, but I vowed I would never speak my given name ever again the night I left Michael.”
“I am so fucking proud of you for leaving him, pet. That can’t have been easy for you. And to forge a path for yourself while going through withdrawals… I’m proud to be your Dom.” Her body tenses at my side.
“I’m not proud of that period in my life. To hear Michael tell you what I let him and his friends do to me. I am so ashamed. I was a good person until I met him. The first hit was free, and then my body became his payment. I was his whore.”
“You are no one’s whore but mine. He took from you. You give yourself to me, pet. There’s a difference. I need to know if that’s a kink you still want to indulge.”
She shifts at my side, but I keep hold of her as best I can in my weakened state. “I know I shouldn’t.”
“Fuck that. I’m asking you a question. What do you want?”
“I enjoy it when you say it.”
“Good.”
“Really?”
“Yes, and do you know why?” She shakes her head. “Because you took control. You became strong, and you changed your own narrative. It’s nothing to be ashamed of. You found a way to take something negative and empower yourself. I will proudly call you my whore until my dying breath.”
“Thanks. I think.” We both start laughing, but even that small movement is agony.
“It sounded better in my head.”
“Yeah, and while we’re at it, you are forbidden to say anything is ‘until your dying breath.’ I have been reliving that moment for weeks.”
“I’m sorry, pet. I don’t plan on going anywhere. You’re stuck with me until we’re old and gray.”
“Should I be concerned that our first discussion when you wake up from a coma is about kink? ”
“Kink doesn’t discriminate, so cuddle in while I plan all the ways I’m going to make you come when we get back in my playroom.”
“ Our playroom.”
“That’s what you choose to focus on? I just proposed to you a moment ago.”
She pushes herself up onto her elbow, giving me one of those sexy-as-fuck smiles of hers. “You did not.”
“I told you I want to be your husband.”
“That’s not a proposal.”
“Yes, it is.”
“No, it’s not.”
“Are you for real? I say I want to be your husband. You know how that works, right? You wear a pretty dress. I stand nervously at the altar, looking devastatingly handsome in a three-piece suit. Gracie sprinkles petals everywhere while everyone wants to love on her because she’s cute as heck. They declare us husband and wife.”
“Yes, smartass. I understand the concept. What you fail to realize is that you’re supposed to get down on one knee and ask if I’ll do you the great honor of becoming your wife.”
“I can’t get down on one knee right now, pet. I took a bullet to the thigh and walked toward the light.”
“Could you hear us when you were in the coma?”
“Sometimes. It was mixed with my worst nightmare, and I couldn’t tell what was real and what wasn’t. I kept hearing my mom and dad’s voices, but then I could hear you.”
“Flex, you did hear your mom and dad.”
“What?”
She points to the bedside cabinet where my old answering machine sits. “I thought hearing them might bring you back to us. I was desperate, but I didn’t let anyone else hear the messages, and I didn’t even tell Dalton why I had to go looking for the machine. I’m pretty sure he thinks I’m cuckoo’s nest.”
“What I heard… was their final words to me?”
“Yes.”
“They helped me come back to you. ”
“Yes,” she says as a single tear rolls down her cheek. “And I will be eternally grateful to them for it.”
“Could I… hear them again?”
She shimmies off the bed, and I’m reluctant to break contact with her as if I’ll fall back into the abyss without her touch to ground me. She sets it up for me and hands it over. “I’ll let you listen to them alone.”
I don’t want her to leave, but I know this is something I need to do myself. I’ve waited decades to hear their voices again. I have been so afraid to listen, as if, in some small way, I could keep them alive.
The moment I hit play, I’m taken back twenty-three years, my mom’s voice a soothing balm to my soul. I listen to them over and over again, letting myself feel every last word, my tears falling freely for the first time since that fateful September 11 th in the principal’s office.
I’m not sure how long my pet has been gone, but there is no mistaking her return. The door flies open, and a little Tasmanian devil comes barreling into the room.
“Daddy! Daddy!” Joy fills my heart, bursting with love for my baby girl. “Uppy, uppy.”
“Hey, Gracie bear. Mommy will have to lift you today. Daddy has a booboo, but I need your hugs right now.”
Helena sweeps her up before placing her gently on the bed beside me. Helena—that’s going to take a while. My little bear throws her arms around my neck, squeezing the life out of me. I really need to rethink how I word things. There are so many common phrases that seem to center around death, killing, and loss of life.
I wrap my arms around her, breathing her in—coconut shampoo and chocolate. “I missed you so much.”
“I missed you lots, Daddy. Did you get my picture?”
“I was sleeping when Mommy brought it. Do you want to show it to me now?”
“Yes, Daddy.”
“It’s going to take a while to get used to hearing that. The twilight zone has reached Manhattan.” I’d recognize that voice anywhere.
“Bro! I’d jump up and give you a manly hug, but my leg has become a donut.”
“What?”
“It has a hole in the middle.”
“Good to see you haven’t lost your sense of humor.” If I didn’t know better, I’d think he looks a little emotional as he comes to my bedside and gives me the biggest hug.
“It’s good to see you, brother. Don’t ever scare me like that again.”
“I’ll do my best.”
Gracie squishes between us, unwilling to relinquish her hold on me. “Mr. Dalton. If you are my Daddy’s brother…”
“Then I’m your uncle,” he says with a smile.
“You are?”
“Yeah. Are you okay with that?”
“Funkle Dally!”
I laugh so hard it hurts, but I wouldn’t have it any other way. “Oh, I’m calling you that for sure,” I quip. “Ryder and Ford are going to love it.”
“Yeah, yeah. They’ll just be sad they aren’t the favorite funkle. Isn’t that right, Gracie? High-five.”
She giggles as she slaps his palm, and I know that look. She’s got Dalton wrapped around her little finger already.
“Have they met her yet?”
“Bro, Gracie is everyone’s favorite person.”
I look to Helena, who confirms that my little nugget has been charming everyone in my absence.
“Understandable.”
I don’t think I’ve ever been as happy as I am at this moment. I have my three favorite people in the world here with me. My family. I’ve never felt more alive.