The Attraction

Chapter 12

Chapter Twelve

HARPER

F orrest’s words keep rotating in my head.

“It’s impossible not to… beautiful.”

I don’t understand how to rationalize it. Every other person in my life knows how I don’t like to be touched, including Forrest. Yet he does it anyway.

And I like it.

I’ve never liked it.

So why is his touch the one that I can’t stop thinking about?

What is he doing to me?

Lying in bed staring at the ceiling, I think about my King’s Guard bear that I stuffed under the bed a few days ago. Hopping up and leaning down, I reach under the bed and pull him out but not to cuddle him.

Instead, I sit on my bed with it in front of me and start talking to my dad.

But not like I used to do when it all happened. That was a lot of yelling and questioning why he did what he did.

This is different. I want to tell him about Forrest. I need to understand why he makes me feel the safest I have felt since my dad left. Which is wild, considering my life has danger hovering around it, yet here in this apartment, with him, I feel peace.

The words are not out loud but in my head. I can’t afford for Forrest to hear any of my ramblings. Of course, there are no answers, just like when I used to yell into the night sky, but for some reason, I feel a little better.

Drifting off to sleep, Forrest’s scent cocoons me again. It’s like he is imprinted on me which makes absolutely no sense. But I love it anyway.

Felisha and I just ate dinner, talking about the guy in our business law class who is a serious jerk, and I’m so glad Professor Claridge put him in his place. There is nothing worse than a guy who thinks he knows everything but really knows nothing. I swear he is compensating for something.

Getting into my fluffy winter pajamas and wrapping my dressing gown around my waist, I take one last look outside to see if the snow has started. There are no snowflakes falling yet, but you can tell it’s close. The ground is frosted, and the trees are bare, with icicles hanging from them from the cold. With my hands on the curtains ready to pull them shut again, movement from behind one of the trees catches my eye.

“Daddy,” I whisper.

He looks sad and slowly lifts his hand to wave, and then he turns and starts walking away.

No, what is he doing? Something is wrong, I can tell. It’s not normal, why didn’t he come inside?

“Daddy!” I yell as I run to where I last thought I saw him, and the snow starts falling and the wind is whipping up.

I scream his name over and over again, but he’s not answering.

I don’t feel like I can run anymore. It’s like something just wrapped around my body, but I don’t know what it is. I can’t move, it’s keeping me still in one spot, but surprisingly, it feels good. Like I feel safe wrapped in a cocoon.

The snowstorm is getting stronger, and I’m struggling to see anything, and just as I start to feel that hug that is so calming and takes all the pain away, a face appears before me, making me scream like I’ve never screamed before.

“No, Chester. No, you took my dad, but you can’t have me too. No, stop, don’t touch me.”

His laughter is echoing in my head, but I can hear another voice.

It’s Forrest, he’ll protect me. He promised.

“Harper.”

He’s calling me from the distance.

“Please, save me, I don’t want to die. Forrest, please…”

“Harper, wake up! It’s Forrest, please, you need to wake up.”

My eyes snapping open, I see him. It’s the moment I feel like I can breathe again.

“I’m safe,” I frantically utter.

“I’ve got you. It’s okay, you’re safe.” His voice isn’t as loud as before but still sounds stressed.

I bury my head into his neck, and his strong hands rub up and down my back. It’s soothing, and I inhale his aroma. The one that makes me feel warm and precious, but at the same time, makes my heart race in a funny way.

I listen to the sound of his heavy breathing and the beating of his heart I can feel under my hand that is planted on his bare chest. The light whisper of him repeating over and over that I’m safe and he will protect me, it’s comforting. My senses are starting to settle, and I’m surprised I’m letting him hug me…

“Wait, what are you doing in my bed? Why are you hugging me? What is happening?” I start yelling and trying to push away from him, but he won’t let me.

“Harper, stop!” His deep, harsh voice makes me halt and look at him. “I have been holding you in your sleep every night since your first nightmare.” He looks at me, waiting for my reaction, but I can’t process what he is saying.

“You’ve been in my bed every night with me and didn’t tell me? How dare you, get out.” I push against him again, and this time he lets me. “Get out, get out, get out!” I’m screaming and crying at the same time.

Scrambling backward, he stands next to the bed.

“Just breathe, Harper, just breathe.” His hands are up, trying to calm me.

“Breathe? Don’t you tell me to fucking breathe. You have been in my bed every night and I had so fucking idea. What the actual fuck, Forrest.” I can’t process this.

“Let me explain.” He tries to gain my attention, but I’m too busy losing my mind over what he just said.

“No. Just leave. I can’t hear it right now.” Deep down, my heart is telling me to let him talk because there is no way he would hurt me, but my stomach is in that anxiety roll where it won’t stop.

“I’m not leaving you like this when you are so upset.” He is almost grinding his teeth with the annoyance that he is trying to hold back.

“You don’t get to make that decision. Leave or I will, and I’m not coming back,” I bellow at him as I grip my knees up against my chest, holding myself so tight.

“You can’t fight this on your own, Harper, let me help you.” He is almost begging me now, but my fight-or-flight is at its peak, and I can’t even think clearly. So, lashing out is my default.

“I don’t need you,” I scream at him, and the moment the words leave my lips, I can see the hurt written all over his face, like I have just slapped him hard.

“Keep telling yourself that, Harper, but we both know that’s not true. You know where to find me.” He walks out of my room, closing the door behind him, and I break out into sobs and let out all the fear of the dream, the pain of being in the dark in my own life, and most of all, remorse over hurting Forrest. Strangely enough, that’s the thing that hurts the most.

I pull my bear from the floor next to my side of the bed where he had fallen when I fell asleep and hug him, but for the first time, he doesn’t bring me any relief.

“Why is everything falling apart?” I whisper into the night. No answer comes, and it’s then I understand that if I’m ever going to grow past this, I need to face it head-on.

Tossing and turning in my bed, I try to calm my irrational brain, but it’s not working. Watching the clock on my phone, it’s been over an hour since I woke up screaming, and it feels like the longest night of my life.

So many questions are running through my head.

If he has been lying with me every night, why didn’t I feel him there? Why did I feel so calm every morning when I woke and not remember the dream? Why do I let him touch me like that, hug me, and not get that awful sick feeling that I have had since the day my dad left me?

I know what I need to do, and as hard as this is, the only person who can give me the answers is the man that I sent away. Something deep in my soul aches for him to hug me, and I don’t know what to do with that feeling either.

I throw the covers back, swinging my legs over the side of the bed, and I sit for a moment, trying to talk myself out of this. It’s a bad idea, yet I can’t see any other way to move forward.

Pushing up off the bed, my toes sink into the soft carpet, and I slowly start moving toward the door.

Opening it, I see that Forrest has left his open. Did he do this every night waiting for me to scream? Why am I punishing a man who just wants to help me? He hasn’t hurt me like my father, yet I’m putting him in the same category as I do every man I meet. They are to be used, kept at a distance, and remain the enemy. That way they can’t hurt me like my dad did.

But Forrest isn’t trying to hurt me, it’s the opposite, where I think he cares for me more than I know how to handle.

Stopping in the doorway to his room, I can see his silhouette lying flat on his back. His bedroom curtains are open, and it’s a full moon. The light is enough to see his face, and his eyes are open just looking at me, but he doesn’t say anything. I don’t either. But I know I need to.

The moment I get the courage to open my mouth, he flicks the covers back on the side of the bed closest to me and puts his arms out for me. My heart is racing, while my head is questioning if I can do this.

Up until an hour ago, I had no idea that he had been holding me, so this time I need to make the conscious choice, and that is what he is pushing me to do. No matter how much I just hurt him, he is still opening himself up to me.

Once I take the first step into his room, there is no going back. Because if I stop moving forward, I will just continue to spiral backward, and I don’t want to do that anymore. It’s not who I am, or who I want to be.

But as soon as I crawl into his bed and his arms draw me to him, I can breathe again. And not that shallow in and out that just lets me survive. No, that deep soul-filling oxygen that lets my body step back from the edge of the cliff. As every breath fills my lungs, my body takes another step back onto more solid ground.

“I need you,” I whisper into his chest where I have buried my head to hear his steady heartbeat.

“I know.” It wasn’t an I-told-you-so moment but just a simple acknowledgment that we are both now on the same page. “Shhh, just rest.” I don’t know how he knows what I need before I do. It’s like he can read my body better than I can, and that scares me.

Just being in his arms is a warmth that fills my whole body. A sensation that I have denied myself for so long. I didn’t want to let someone in so they could hurt me, but more importantly, I didn’t think I was worth it. My father didn’t love me enough to stay and fight his way out of his mess, so if he didn’t, then no one else will either. I can’t take that risk. And although I am seeking comfort in Forrest’s arms, we both know this can’t be forever. I made that clear from the beginning.

But this is about me finding the answers I need.

It’s like his touch has poured strength into my body, and even though I’m still feeling so raw and vulnerable, it’s time.

“How many nights have you slept in my bed?” I question.

“Every night since the second night you moved in with me, but I don’t sleep. I just hold you until you are peaceful again and then leave.”

“How long does that take?” I ask.

“Sometimes an hour, sometimes two. But I won’t lie, I find it hard to leave you, so I stay longer, just holding you, wishing it was real.” The last few words are so quiet, I almost don’t catch them.

“Christ, Forrest, you must be exhausted.” I can’t help but feel guilty for his lack of sleep.

“No, I don’t care about that.” His reply is stern.

“But I do.” As I speak, his hands are rubbing up and down my back again, and I never realized how soothing that could be to have someone’s hands on me but not in a sexual way. This is totally different.

Taking another deep breath, I carry on. “What do I do in my sleep?” I know what is happening in my nightmare, but I don’t know how I’m reacting in the real world.

“The first night when I heard you crying, I came in and you were looking for something, but I then worked out it was your father when you started calling for him while looking out the window.”

All I can think of is that I’m obviously so far back in my trauma again that I’m now sleepwalking.

“Why didn’t you wake me up?” Now I’m curious how this played out.

“I said your name a few times, but you just didn’t even register I was there. They say never to wake someone who is sleepwalking and talking in their sleep, so I just put you back into bed and you started to settle. I went to leave, but you grabbed my arm and asked me to hug you one last time. You were almost begging me, and I debated what to do, but the moment I put my arm around your shoulders, you just melted into me like I was your lifeline. There was no way I was leaving you when you needed me. I’m sorry if that was the wrong thing to do, but I would do it all over again.” The compassion in his voice is a totally different man than the Forrest I first met and have been verbally sparring with for six months.

It's hard to believe I asked him to hug me. But I can understand it if I was in the dream with my dad, which is all about me longing for that one last hug from him.

“Please don’t hate me for not telling you. When it happened again the next night, as soon as I climbed into bed with you, you settled. The next morning, you always seemed so refreshed, like nothing had happened. So, I made the decision to keep it to myself because I knew if I told you, that would be the trigger for you to push me away and run. I don’t want you to run, Harper. Let me be this person for you. I can’t make the dreams stop, but I can keep you safe through them. Let me take your pain.”

I can feel tears in my eyes, but it is not from being scared or feeling distraught. These are different tears. Ones for the sweetness of a man who hides himself from everyone in this world, except me.

“I can’t give you what you want, Forrest. I’m not wife material, and I don’t think I will ever be.” I look up at him to see how my words are affecting him.

“I’m not asking you to marry me,” he says, with no reaction on his face.

“No, but that’s what you want. You told me you aren’t looking for a one-night stand, and I’m the poster girl for casual sex.” For the first time in my life, that felt awful to say. Saying out loud that I am a person who is not worthy of more.

“I think I’ve made it fairly clear the last few days that I just want you,” he declares in the sultriest voice, while he takes my cheek in his hand, and I sink into the warmth of it. “No expectations.” His thumb strokes my skin. “And if that means I have to be your one-night stand guy every night for a while until we sort this out, then I’ll be that for you.”

“What if we get there and I still can’t be that woman?” I ask, voicing my greatest fear.

“Then I will walk away, if that’s what you ask me to do.” I can see the wrinkles in his forehead as he frowns and takes in a deep breath, obviously not happy to even think about that scenario.

“I don’t want you to enter into something with me where you might get hurt.” I run my hand up his chest and wrap it around the back of his neck.

“That’s not your risk to take, Harper, it’s mine, and I’m prepared to take it with you.” Determination and strength are written all over his face.

“Maybe I don’t want to put myself in a position to be hurt either.” That has been my mantra since my dad left. I would never let anyone hurt my heart like that again.

“I won’t hurt you, that’s a promise.” Forrest pulls my face closer to his.

“How do I know that, though?” Our lips are so close that we are breathing the same air and sharing the same magnetism that’s drawing us together, one we can’t seem to walk away from, as much as we have both tried.

“You just need to trust me. Say yes, beautiful, just say yes.” His voice is so smooth but almost pleading at the same time.

My head is yelling at me to stand my ground and stay true to my mantra. But my heart wins as I answer the only way I can right now, in this moment of weakness and strength that are mixing together.

“Yes,” I whisper and reach that last inch forward and taste his lips like I have been wanting to do since the last kiss he gave me that hasn’t left my thoughts.

But Forrest pulls back and takes my head in both his hands as I hover over top of him. “This doesn’t have to be sexual, that’s for you to decide. I will wait if that’s what you need to feel safe.” Forrest is so sweet, but his words bring out a laugh that I wasn’t expecting.

“Hell no. If we are testing this out while I live here, then we will be fucking every night. You promised to be my one-night stand every night. Don’t go back on your word now.” Still laughing, finally, I see him smile, and before I have time to attempt to kiss him again, Forrest rolls me onto my back and is over top of me in a split second.

“Thank God, because I’m not sure what I was going to do with this,” he says, grinding down on my pussy with his cock that is rock hard, and a moan is already slipping from my mouth.

Forrest stops any more words from escaping, as his rough lips, that have just the smallest amount of stubble surrounding them, take mine like it’s the first time he gets to kiss me. It’s hard, rough, desperate, and everything that I want in this moment.

Emotions are hard for me, and tonight has been more than I can handle.

Breaking away from his lips, I mutter, “Make me forget.”

“Oh, I intend to.” His gruff reply comes from where he has buried his face in my neck as he continues to kiss my skin in every place he can reach.

“Don’t be gentle,” I plead.

“If you think I can go slow, you’re crazy. I’ve been lying with you in my arms every night. It was pure torture not to have you like this,” he says as he grinds his cock against my already engorged clit again. “Pure torture, I tell you.”

“If you are looking for pity, you’re in the wrong place. I get to work out next to you in the morning… now that’s torture.” This time it’s me pushing up against him.

Dropping his mouth down, he takes my hard nipple between his teeth through my sleep top and bites down on it.

“Get naked, Harper, because I need to feel every part of your body. I knew that first night it was never going to be enough.”

He pushes himself off me and stands next to the bed, and I scramble to rid myself of the top over my head with my breasts now bare to him and then push the little pair of shorts and underwear down my legs, kicking them free. All the while my brain is screaming at me that this is a bad idea, letting down my walls for a second time is dangerous. But I’m not stopping. I want this.

“But there will be an end to this, I’m not promising you anything more than this.” I try so hard to say the words as he drops his sleep shorts in front of me, and his cock is so appealing, I want to just lean over and take it in my mouth.

“Keep telling yourself that. I’m going to make you love me so much you won’t ever want to leave.” His guttural voice is so deep that every nerve in my body sets off like fireworks, but him using the word love has me freaking out, and all I want is to shut down this talking.

My body reacts to my lust, and before he can move one leg to get back into the bed, I lean forward and take his cock in my mouth, hitting the back of my throat so quickly that I have to hold back from gagging.

“Fuccckkkk,” Forrest cries out, and without taking his cock from my mouth, I maneuver my body so I’m on my back sideways across his bed. His cock rotates in my mouth, and I push my body a little further across the bed with my feet so that my head is slightly off the bed, and I swallow around him. He groans, and it feels so good to be looking up at him.

I take control to show him this is just good sex. We have so much chemistry, that is undeniable, but that is what he thinks is more. He will see when this fizzles out that I’m just a snarky bitch most days and he will get sick of me.

“My goddess.” Fire burns in his eyes as I take one hand, wrap it around his cock, and begin sliding it in and out.

I pull it completely out for a moment to reply, “Now that’s a better name.” Then I drag my tongue over his cock. Raising my other hand, I grasp his balls in my fingers and give them a firm squeeze.

“Fuck, I think it should be temptress.” And his gravelly voice tells me he is close to the edge I want to push him over. “Touch yourself, I want to watch you.” And as much as I think I’m in control, I’m so not. The moment he gives me an order, I can’t ignore it.

Dropping his balls, I reach down and drag a couple of fingers through the wetness that is already forming and then circle my clit. I know what I need to get myself off, I’ve been doing it successfully for years. A woman does what she needs to do, although I must admit, an orgasm from a man always has more to it.

I moan around his cock, and it has him quivering just I like I am.

“That’s it, rub it just how you like it.” His voice fills my head, and I can’t hear any more of my thoughts. I’m just waiting on my next instruction as I feast on him and bring myself closer to the same point he is. Especially the way he is watching me.

“Faster. Stick your fingers in and fuck yourself too.”

Christ, this man knows exactly what to say to make me burn. The moment my two fingers are inside me and my thumb is pushing hard on my nub, I’m so close that I’m riding my hand hard.

Spreading his legs a little wider so he can sink down lower, he grabs my head in his big hands and starts taking the rhythm of my mouth, with his hips pushing in and out.

“That’s it, take it all. This is what naughty little temptresses get.” His fingers sink into my hair, pulling tightly on it. He has complete control of my body now, and I can’t stop, I need to come. I’m so close that I’m desperate to let go, but I want him there too.

Like he can read my mind, his voice is above me, demanding I do as he tells me. “Let go. The moment you start screaming, I’m pulling out of that wet little mouth and coming all over those gorgeous breasts.” I try to shake my head to say no because I want to taste him, but it’s no use.

“Do as you’re told. Scream my name.” His order is all my body needs to obey his words.

My orgasm is so close to the surface already, I’m pulsing around my fingers, and just like he demanded, I scream his name from a deep orgasmic place in my body. As I feel the hot liquid of his squirts of come hit all over my chest, his grunts tell me that he lost as much control as I did.

And before I can move, he has both my hands in his and leans forward, using them to smear all his come over my body. I know what he is doing, and I wish it was that easy.

“Mine,” he grunts.

“For now,” I reply as my limp body feels so different, but I’m trying to ignore it.

“For. Ever,” he tries to clarify, and just the tiniest piece of my heart is screaming yes, but the rest of the pieces are telling it to shut the fuck up because it’s breaking away from agreed protocol.

And while my heart is warring with itself, his hands slide under my body, and he drags me up off the bed and picks me up in his arms, walking toward what I assume is the bathroom.

There are no words spoken as he turns on the water and lowers my feet to the tiles in his walk-in shower. The warm water pours down my back, and he soaps up his hands and washes all of his war paint from my body. I have never showered with a man before, and it’s such a sensual experience. I want to do the same to him, but I can’t seem to move. Having his hands all over my body with so much care is doing something to me that I don’t want to stop.

It's like every time he touches me, he unlocks just a little more of my soul.

The one I thought I buried forever, but now I’m starting to realize that wasn’t the truth.

I was just waiting for the right man who I could trust, and they would know how to dig enough to find it.

They say flowers bloom in the spring. Well, maybe Forrest is my spring.

Time will tell.