The Attraction

Chapter 19

Chapter Nineteen

HARPER

T alking to Felisha tonight, curled up on the couch with a glass of red and some wicked strawberries with chocolate sauce, has helped. That weight that has felt like an elephant sitting on my chest all day hasn’t lifted, but at least I have explained to someone what happened.

Flynn thankfully made an excuse that he had work to do and disappeared into his study so it was just the two of us and I could talk freely. We both ended up in tears when she started blaming herself for her words that sent me spiraling, but I assured her it wasn’t her fault. To be honest, me freaking out and running probably would have happened soon anyway. I’m not built for commitment, it’s as simple as that.

But I couldn’t bring myself to tell her about the catalyst of Forrest calling me the pet name my father gave me. I have never shared with anyone except my therapist the reason why I don’t like to be touched or hugged, not even Felisha. But I suspect my mother knows because I went from a daughter who loved to snuggle with her father, who would run to the front door as soon as I heard the handle turn and leap into his arms, to a twenty-year-old woman who would hyperventilate the moment anyone came too close to me. She never said anything to me, and it’s probably because she was dealing with so much of her own grief at the time, she just couldn’t take on any more.

I know strawberries and chocolate sauce are Felisha’s go-to when she is feeling overwhelmed, but the whole time I ate them, all I was thinking about was the night that Forrest made the chocolate mousse, and we had a very dirty time of spreading it over our bodies and then licking it back off. If you didn’t know Forrest and just looked at him, you would have no idea who he is behind closed doors. He looks stuffy and straitlaced, but to me he is sweet and caring, while also being dominant and sexy as hell. And no matter how much I tried to ignore it all, he left me swooning in the way he spoke and had me melting every single time.

There is something about the way he only gave the beautiful parts of himself to me. Like he had saved them all these years for just the right time to open his heart. And in a way, he did the same for me. I told him things and let him touch me in a way I hadn’t done before. It was hard at first, but the more I opened up to him, the easier it became, and I started to understand what I had been missing out on in life by hiding behind my fears.

When I went to find my pajamas tonight to crawl into bed, I couldn’t help but smile at the thought of my favorite pair sitting in Forrest’s drawer. Looking back, he knew from the time we left St. Tropez that things had changed, and so by him claiming them it makes more sense now, saying I could only have them back when I slept in his bed.

I have been doing plenty of soul searching today, and as much as I’m scared to close my eyes, my body is overtaking my stubbornness. The last I looked at my phone, it showed two am, and still there is nothing from Forrest. Three times since I got into bed, I have typed out the words “I miss you” and then deleted it because sending that would be the worst thing I could do, for both of us.

The darkness starts to take me, and I plead with whoever is listening that I make it through the night without the nightmares taking me down into that awful place.

Standing at the window, I can see my father as he waves to me, sadness in his eyes, and I start to cry because I know he’s not coming back. I feel like I have been here before and this isn’t a new story to me.

I want to call his name, plead with him to stay, to choose me, but instead, he walks away into the night, and the snow starts swirling. But I don’t want to chase him this time. Because I know he is doing what he feels is best for us all. It won’t be, but he doesn’t know that.

But as the snowstorm starts to ease a little, instead, it’s me standing outside and the flakes are landing on my bare arms. My feet standing in the freezing snow are stuck in one place, and I can’t feel a thing. Why do I feel so cold? Normally by now there is that blanket feeling wrapping around me and the tears don’t hurt so much. Tonight, it’s different. Where is he, why isn’t he coming for me?

Looking up to my window, I see his silhouette. Watching me, with his arms crossed over his chest. Not moving or speaking. Just still and not an ounce of life in his eyes. It’s like he has been stripped of emotion, and I know I did that. I just want that hug, one last time before I walk away.

“Forrest,” I call to him, but he can’t hear me. It’s like he is looking straight through me. Like I don’t exist to him anymore.

“Forrest, please, I need you.” I’m screaming, but as I drop to my knees, he reaches out and closes the curtains, and all the light that was left shining is gone.

It’s so dark, cold, and I feel the wetness on my face.

I’m all alone again.

And I have no one to blame but myself.

There are voices now around me, and I can hear them, but I don’t want to open my eyes. I can’t. I’m in the darkness where it hurts, but it’s familiar, and I’m getting sick of trying to break free anymore.

“Should I call him?” Flynn’s deep voice echoes around in my head.

“No. She won’t want that. We just have to wait it out and be here for her.” Felisha’s sweetness is familiar, and I feel like she has been in my dreams before. But it’s not as soothing as before.

“This is cruel. She needs him. I’m calling Forrest,” Flynn demands, but again she stops him.

“No, she has made the choice to fight this on her own. You need to let her,” Felisha pleads with him.

I can feel her presence, but she doesn’t hold me.

“It’s okay, Felisha, you can touch me, I’ve learned I won’t break,” I tell her, but she can’t hear me.

And the world starts to fade to black again, and the voices are gone.

I’m so weak, but at least I’m about to start sleeping now.

* * *

Waking up again this morning, alone and exhausted, tells me straight away that it happened again. The nightmares. I don’t remember them, but the signs are always there.

My bedsheets are all disheveled, the feeling of dried tears on my face and the feeling that I have survived a storm, barely.

I just pray that Felisha and Flynn didn’t hear anything, and I can keep this to myself. I already feel like a burden living in their apartment, so as soon as I woke this morning, I was up showered and left. I messaged her that I needed to get some plans done for my apartment renovation, which I must admit has taken a back seat in the last few weeks with everything happening around me. Now that I have my own guard watching and waiting for my every move, I don’t need to wait for Felisha or Flynn to escort me to my car.

Walking into my apartment feels strange, like it’s no longer home. I know it is in disarray, but still, it has a different feel to it now. Like it’s too over-the-top perfect. That the redecorating is trying to bring warmth into the home, but it’s not the kind of warmth it was lacking; I’ve learned that comes in the form of a man, a grumpy one at that. Or maybe it’s just that my head is so jumbled from the last forty-eight hours. Yet the contrast is that Forrest’s home, that is decorated in a minimal way, feels more like home than this place does. And I was only there for a few weeks, yet it grew on me. It had life in it—well, one life in particular that made me laugh more than I have in a long time and feel warmth to just be me. It was effortless and easy, I think that’s what I loved about being there.

As the contractors start to arrive, I sort out a few issues that they have been waiting on me to make decisions on. And by the time I make it to the office, waiting on my desk is another brown paper bag, with a purple ribbon this time.

I feel like my feet move quicker than they have been all morning. As much as I have been telling myself I don’t want to see or talk to Forrest, it’s been twenty-four hours since I have had any sign that he is thinking about me, and it almost killed me. People must think I’m crazy when I’m the one that walked away, yet I’m here almost diving across the table to open the bag and see if he has left me a note again.

Good morning, muffin.

Just because I know how much you enjoy avocados.

Eat every mouthful.

It will keep your skin smooth…

Forrest x

“I can’t believe you sent me avocado toast. Seriously, that’s just so wrong, but I like it.” I lift the first piece of sourdough to my mouth, and even though it is a little cold because I didn’t come straight to the office, it’s still got the perfect crunch to it.

Sipping the coffee, I take a seat and just let my mind drift. I should be mad at him for still making me eat every morning, but instead, I’m just so happy to know he still cares. I spend the next ten minutes trying to work out if he is cooking these breakfasts himself and dropping them to reception or if he is getting a courier to pick them up from a restaurant. I quiz both my secretary and the front desk staff who receive the bags, but no one has an answer for me.

And for someone who hates surprises, it’s unexpected to me that I can’t wait to see what tomorrow brings. Placing my ribbon in the drawer next to my red one, I wonder how big my collection will get before he gives up on me.

* * *

My day has been a tough one, and I know it’s from the lack of sleep and my racing brain, but still, I promised Cherie I would turn up for a session with her, so here I am standing at the front door to her gym facility. It’s a brand-new building that the charity she runs with Rem and Elouise have built. She assured me that Elouise would have gone home for the night, so there was no chance I’d run into her, but I still find myself looking over my shoulder while I wait for Cherie in reception. I wasn’t kidding when I told her I want to keep this between us, which even meant I had to lie to Felisha, telling her I was going to see my sister Amanda tonight.

“Thanks, Cherie.” I hear a younger woman’s voice as she walks out from behind the door that looks like it leads further into the building. She is all red in the face, sweaty, but looks so peaceful, which is interesting.

“You did great today, Donna. Same time next week, and I want you to keep working on what we talked about.” Cherie places her hand on her arm, and the woman smiles and nods her head. Throwing her bag on her shoulder, she starts walking toward me and just grins. Like she’s reassuring me it will be okay, and I’ll survive this.

Cherie walks closer and just looks at me. “If you are here then I guess you pulled the pin on the hand grenade and let go of the handle.” Her look is serious but not judgmental.

“Something like that,” I mumble.

“Well, come on through and let’s get started. I think this will be the first of a few interesting nights for you.” She punches in a code on the door and opens it, inviting me into her inner sanctuary.

“This is going to hurt, isn’t it,” I murmur as I walk past her through the door.

“Oh, in a way you can’t even to begin to imagine. But you will thank me one day for it… just maybe not today.” And as soon as she starts laughing, I know I’m going to regret this.

After I’ve changed into my workout gear, I tentatively walk back out into the room that joins the bathroom. It’s a single room with a couch to one side and a gym mat in the middle of it. When I first met Cherie, she’d described to me the program that she had designed to support people. The ones who need help with trauma or personal issues that are buried down deep. Yep, I tick both of those boxes.

“God, you look like you are about to either puke or run.” She laughs as she suits up in some protective gear.

“Or both,” I declare.

“Here, I want you to put this padding on your chest and the head gear on. Forrest will kill me if I damage that beautiful face and body. Actually, I’m certain he won’t be happy I have you in the ring at all, but he can suck it up for all I care. Not that I’m going to tell him, but you will eventually.” She smiles as I do as she says.

“Not a chance.” Pulling the head gear down and securing the strap under my chin, I feel utterly ridiculous and a little vulnerable to be honest. “It’s none of his business. That’s what got me into this mess in the first place. Him storming into my life as the big protector.”

Cherie starts walking toward me, at least looking just as ridiculous as I do. “Okay, so how this is going to work is we are just going to talk about things. You can feel free to tell me anything you want, and it will stay within these walls. I will ask some questions, and even if they are hard, I still want you to try to give me something. Sometimes that will be enough, and other times I will push to drag more out of you. During all of this we are going to start a little gentle sparring, where basically I want you to just try to defend yourself from me. But you aren’t allowed to stop talking while you do it. Does that make sense?” I can see that she takes this very seriously.

“Yes, and can I just say I’m the queen of multitasking, you won’t have to worry about that,” I say, trying to cover my nerves with my sassy humor as usual. I know it’s a defense mechanism I’ve always leaned on.

“Okay, let’s circle back to what you just said to me about Forrest. It’s his fault that you’re here?” Her eyes are soft, and she is just swaying from side to side on her feet waiting for an answer.

I think about that and decide if this is going to work, I just need to say the first thing that comes into my head.

“Partly,” I reply.

“Why partly?” She steps forward and shoves me on the shoulder, not hard but enough to put me off balance. I stumble a little but steady myself again.

“Because he made me feel, and I’m better when I don’t.” And that’s the truth. Before I met him, and not in a casual way but in the way that no one else knows him, I had walls of steel that no one could hurt me through.

“Made you feel what?” This time she shoves me harder, and I don’t like it, so instead of stepping back, I push forward on my feet and raise my hand to her shoulder and give her a shove. “That’s it, now keep talking, you told me you could do two things at once.”

My competitive streak raises its head and wants to prove I’m right.

“Soft, vulnerable, weak, all the things I try so hard not to be.” I try to hit her again, and she blocks my hand and then jabs me in the side.

“Shit!” It didn’t hurt so much as shock me, and as I’m trying to defend from her poking me there again, she replies.

“Forrest didn’t do that, you did.”

Her hand comes at me again, and I go to defend the same spot, and her words piss me off.

“No, I didn’t. I tried to stop him, but he wouldn’t listen, he just made me do it.” And all of a sudden there are words pouring out of me, and I’m thrashing my hands about, not in any controlled way, just trying to stop her from touching me. “I don’t like being touched. No one gets to touch me unless I let them. He made me want to be touched. Why did he do that? Because now I like it and he’s gone.”

“But why is he gone, Harper?” Thud , another fist, into the stomach this time.

“Because I ran from him.” I’m now yelling at her because I’m struggling with all the chaos that’s happening around me.

“You ran, but it’s his fault? Don’t you think that’s unfair?” And for the first time, I land a punch into her chest, because I’m mad at her now too.

“No. I told him it was just sex, nothing more. He agreed, but he lied. It all changed, and I couldn’t stop it no matter how hard I tried,” I scream.

“What changed, Harper?”

“Him, me, everything. He did what I told him not to. He fucking fell in love with me.” The anger in me at that statement shows as I start pushing at her harder.

“And why is that an issue?”

“Because I’m not worthy of anyone’s love. I’m just not enough.”

“Enough what?” Cherie yells at me as she starts throwing her legs out at me a little too, and I’m trying to move around the mat away from her all the time, plus dodge her punches.

“Enough of anything! To love enough, to want enough to make an effort, enough that I’m worth fighting for.” I can feel the more I yell, that tears are coming to my eyes, and I don’t want that, but I can’t stop it. My body is starting to ache, and my brain is screaming at me, but it’s my heart that is starting to cry. And with the first sob that leaves my mouth, the words I have been holding so close to my heart are rolling off my tongue.

“To love me enough to stay.” Another sob follows that one, and I know I’m in trouble. She has broken the lock, and for the first time, I have told someone my greatest fear. Stopping and standing still, Cherie just lets that sink in for me. And it fucking hurts.

The water is streaming down my face, and I can’t stop it because my clenched fists are frozen in the air in front of me, ready to fight off the world.

Cherie takes a step closer to me and gently pushes my hands down so my arms are now just hanging by my side. “And how does that make you feel?” Her voice is soft and full of compassion.

“Worthless and broken,” I whisper.

“Good.” I look at her like she is crazy, while she’s looking back at me like she has won the fight. “Now we begin here and start your climb back up. Because this pain you are feeling right now, we are going to use that to drive you so you don’t fall back to this unsettled place in your life again. Take off the pads and take a seat, let’s talk, and then I’m going to teach you a few self-defense lessons at the end of each session, because, girl, you can’t fight for shit.” Cherie starts pulling off her padding and takes a spot on the couch as I do the same with a small laugh, because she’s right. I was slapping like a teenage girl in a schoolyard fight. And if I was ever really in trouble, then that skill would be absolutely useless.

* * *

“Okay, so let me see if I’ve got this. You have had two men in your life that you love, your father and Forrest. One left you and the other you ran from because you didn’t want him to leave you as well.” She takes my hand and holds it, and I don’t recoil like I usually do.

“Keep going, it doesn’t hurt as much when you say the words.” I shrug as I wipe another stray tear from my cheek.

“Uh-uh. That’s not how this works. Let’s talk about your father first, tell me about him.” Cherie’s words start me off on talking about a man who I loved so deeply, and I’m starting to learn, I still do.

The more I talk the easier it gets, and I tell her everything, about growing up and then the shock of him leaving. Surprisingly also about my nightmares and what I remember from some of them, including what Forrest explained he has seen me do in the midst of a dream.

“So, you said you have hated your father for a very long time, but that has changed recently, why?” There is something about this woman that makes me just come straight out with the answer.

“Forrest. I hate to say this, but he is like you.”

Cherie gasps and places her hand over her heart in a joking manner, which makes me giggle.

“Yeah, there’s a new one for you, but he’s like you in that he has this uncanny way of making me talk about things I’ve had locked up tight on the inside for so long. Then all of a sudden, I’m telling him things, and by saying them out loud, there are pieces to a puzzle that I didn’t know were missing and that start to click into a place where there has been a hole in me for a long time. I know that all sounds weird, but Forrest helped me to see that my father didn’t leave because he didn’t care about his family. I think it might have been the opposite, that it was because he loved us so much and wanted to protect us. That’s what started to soften my feelings for my father and see him in a different light. Don’t get me wrong, I’m still angry at him and hurt by what he did, but I don’t hate him with the venom that I once did.”

“That’s a really great start, and I think you are on the right track with that. We will continue to work through that in a few more sessions.” Pausing, she then says the words I’ve been dreading. “Now, let’s talk about Forrest.”

“Do we have to?” I pretend to complain like a child.

“Isn’t that why you’re here?” She shrugs her shoulders at me.

“Is it?” Again, my humor is there, trying to protect me from sharing my pain.

“You tell me, Harper. Do you want to admit to yourself that you love him and want more, or can you live like this for the rest of your life? That’s a choice only you can make. Not even Forrest has the power to decide that for you, as much as I’m sure he thinks he does. What do you really want to get from all this, Harper?” Cherie’s watching me as I wrestle with the words in my head, trying to get them to make sense before I answer.

“To love and be loved without fear.” I look at her, and the tears spring back to my eyes.

“Then I think Forrest’s a great place to start, wouldn’t you agree?”

“Yes.” I run my hands along my thighs to try to stop my leg bouncing that has started, and all I can think of is Forrest’s hand that would steady me when things got hard.

“I want to be able to go back him as a whole woman and not because I need him. He deserves a love that is more than that. And for the first time in my life, I want to be the one to give him that.” I gulp down the discomfort that has come with such honesty.

“Then let’s do that.” She smiles at me. “But can I let you in on a little secret?”

I nod at her.

“You deserve a love like that too.”

And then I do something that shocks the hell out of both of us. I reach forward and take her in my arms and hug her.

And it feels amazing.

FORREST

After spending the day at Ashton’s office, we have come up with a plan.

Everyone I voiced my idea to today looked at me like I was crazy, but the more we talked about it, they started to agree it had merit.

And while I didn’t want to, I have to rely on Ashton to have my back on this. Because he quite forcefully told me that if he lets me get too hurt that Harper will have his balls, and apparently, he’s quite fond of them. My girl scares men, and I love that about her. She is not afraid to be her own force of nature, and we need more people like that in this world.

Ashton brought in some of his team, and we video-linked with a guy called Ghost who is the tech brains behind the operations on certain cases. He’s also the one who will make sure they know where I am at all times once we put the plan into action. We agreed that tomorrow morning, we will leak a random story to start popping up on the news feed that Chester will see on his phone. I don’t understand any of the tech side of things, but this Ghost guy has already hacked his phone and computer, as they have been monitoring him for a while. So, he will take over what Chester’s devices show him, and make him only see a shadow feed that is what we need him to read. Fuck, these computer guys are incredible but so dangerous with the way they can take over our lives without us even knowing.

Chester will be fed a few stories about Harper and me, how we are together, and then he will start to get stories of how I have just landed in Chicago to do some big takeover of another hotel. It’s all bullshit, of course, but we will see if he takes the bait and starts searching me online. Of course, Ghost will only let him see what he thinks is enough to get him hooked on wanting to get to me, but no personal information.

Then we will plant a story of where I will be tomorrow night and hope like hell he shows his face. Ashton and Ghost can only lead a horse to water, but they can’t make him drink, so that’s where I come in. I need to provoke him enough that instead of going after Harper, he finds me an easier target being right there in front of him. That he’ll want to take my money and hurt me as payback for what her father did to his parents.

Ashton is worried about that part, but I’m not. I just have to think like Chester does and then I can always be one step ahead of him. It’s a skill I’ve mastered with businesses and the individuals who run them. I’ve made a lot of money over the years by just studying people then sitting back and waiting for the right time to strike. This is no different.

Well, maybe that’s not entirely true, this time I could have a gun pointed at me, and that will make it a little more difficult to gain the upper hand. But even that doesn’t worry me.

I’d take a bullet for the woman I love, no matter what it costs me.

Even if it’s my life.

* * *

Sitting on my bed in the hotel room after taking a long-awaited shower, I’m scrolling through the group chat on my phone with the boys today. Because of course Rem couldn’t keep his mouth shut about where I am.

Forrest: Finished with Ashton, and we have a plan.

Rem: I’m so pissed at you. I should have guessed what you’d do, but stupidly, I thought you were going off to clear your head.

Forrest: You would have done the same.

Rem: But I would’ve been smart and told my head of security that I was leaving the fucking country! Instead of waiting until all the alerts start going off as soon as your phone pinged in Chicago. You’re lucky I didn’t call you as soon as I saw it because you would be deaf in one ear now from me bursting your eardrum yelling at you.

Forrest: Yes, Dad!

Rem: Don’t be an ass!

Flynn: Pissed is a mild word to use for my thoughts on you, Brother.

Flynn: I’m fucking livid!

Nic: Seriously, we are doing this now at 4.30am?

Forrest: Why are you all awake?

Rem: Because some dickhead is on the other side of the world trying to play commando! I’ve spoken to Ashton. Have you lost your fucking mind!

Nic: Do I want to know?

Flynn: What the fuck are you doing!

Forrest: I’m not doing this with you all. I’m a grown man and make my own decisions.

Flynn: ANSWER MY QUESTION!!!

Forrest: Calm the fuck down! Talk to Rem or Ashton. It’s not something I’m putting in a chat.

Flynn: What the hell does that mean?

Forrest: I’m going to bed, I don’t have the strength for this.

Flynn: Aren’t you even going to ask if Harper’s okay?

Forrest: No. I need a clear head.

Flynn: Well, too bad. I’m telling you she’s not okay, she’s a mess.

Forrest: Not news to me, Flynn, I told you that. Just do as I ask and take care of her until I can. I’m trusting you to do that.

Flynn: Well, I’m trusting you not to get yourself killed. I’m doing my job, so you better do yours!

Forrest: Understood, and not a word of any of this to Harper!

Flynn: I’m not stupid.

Nic: Debatable some days.

Flynn: You can fuck off too.

Nic: Be careful, Forrest, and listen to Ashton. Keep us in the loop.

Rem, let’s meet at 7am in my office.

Flynn: Fuck that, I’m calling him now.

Forrest: Good night, all.

Rem: I’m still pissed at you, but stay safe!

Flynn: What he said!

I know that adrenaline can keep you awake for longer than normal, but I think mine is starting to give way on me after a difficult night before I left London where I think I got three hours’ sleep if I was lucky, and since then, I have been up for almost twenty-eight hours.

Laying my head down on the pillow, I pull up the photo of Harper that I took without her knowing, playing the pinball machine. The smile on her face and sparkle in her eyes of pure fun is how I want to see her. Relaxed and not a care in the world.

That photo’s enough to tell me I’m doing the right thing by being here.

I want to give that life to her.

And the only thing standing in my way is Chester Tema.

Because all Harper’s doubts about me will fade away, that I’m sure of. But if they don’t, at least she still will be safe, and that will make this worth it.