Chapter Thirteen #2
Finn’s brow furrowed, as if he were deciding something. Once made, his face melted. “You know I was never into guys.”
“Do I know that?” I tilted my head.
“I mean…” He looked at the table as his eyelids fluttered.
“I guess I mean, I never knew I was into guys.” He met my gaze.
“But I always looked up to you. I thought you were so badass.
So cool. Even if you never had the time of day for me, you weren't a dick about it. Everyone loved you, and you were so good at everything. But—”
I shifted in my chair. “Let’s not rewrite history. I wasn’t good at everything, and not everyone liked me.”
“Okay, you were good at anything you wanted to be good at, and the people you loved loved you back.”
“Still not true, but closer.”
“What I’m trying to say is I think I’m realizing that I might’ve always had a crush on you, but just didn’t know it.”
Finn thought he was baring his soul, and in a real way, he was. But I couldn’t pretend I didn’t know that.
“Yeah, man. I knew. But I also knew you probably didn’t.
That’s why I steered clear of you when we were younger.
Because I had a crush on you, too, and if something happened back then, when you weren’t ready, or even able to understand your own feelings, it would’ve been a huge mess, and I’d be an even huger asshole than I already am. ”
Finn looked surprised, but not shocked. “You’re not an asshole.” He chuckled. “Maybe if you had made a move, it wouldn’t have taken me so long to figure it out.”
“Yeah, well. Fucking my brother’s buddy might have put a strain on the relationship.”
We laughed.
“I always thought you didn’t like me when we were younger.”
“Nope, had a boner for you instead.”
We laughed again.
“But really, everything just feels so different with you. You know I’m not used to thinking too deep about shit—”
“That I know.”
“—It always caused pain or anxiety. But with you… I feel like I want to think about everything. You make my head feel calm the same way not thinking about shit does.”
“I don’t know if causes neurological hypoactivity is the compliment you think it is.” I laughed.
“The fuck is that?”
I rolled my eyes. It was hard for me to get mushy sometimes, but it was important to him, and I needed to bear it. “Just low brain activity. Sorry. Go on.”
Finn took a deep breath. “I think I have feelings for you. No, not think. Know. I have feelings for you, Ryder. I’m not sure what that says about my sexuality.
Maybe I’m bi, maybe I’m full-blown gay, I just know that sex with you feels good…
on the inside. Sex with women only ever felt good physically. ”
“Finn, I—”
“No, just let me finish, man. This is the whole reason I suggested this place.”
“Okay.”
“Full shit? The thought had crossed my mind. How could it not? But I always had less than zero attraction to Miles, who’s an objectively hot guy, so I figured I’m not gay or bi or whatever, ‘cause I’ve seen that dude’s dick a billion times, and it does less than nothing for me.”
“TMI, Finn.” We laughed again.
“Sorry. I guess what I’m trying to say is…” He exhaled and spoke quickly. “I’m not seeing anyone else and don’t plan to. And I don’t know what it will look like or anything else, but I want to give it a real shot with you. If that’s something you want, too.”
Anyone else would’ve seen it coming. I, however, was flabbergasted.
I was maybe expecting him to be like Yeah, I like dick, yours especially, and I’m good with that, not suggest we give it a real shot.
Was it everything I secretly hoped he’d say one day?
Yes. Did I think he could evaluate those feelings on his own?
No. Did I need to stop thinking of him as a lost boy and start thinking of him as a man with a map who just needs to fucking read it? Apparently, yes.
A slow smile grew across my face. Not because of my secret wish fulfillment, but I was so fucking proud of him. For a guy who pushes so much of himself away to avoid internal stressors, he deserved all the credit.
“I feel the same way, Finn. My life is complicated, but also fucking boring. You make it both easier and more exciting. Everything has been so much better since we started hooking up. If it all went away after the wedding, I’d be really fucking bummed.”
Another surprise, Finn reached across the table to hold my hand. “It won’t. I’m gonna be dating your hunky ass for as long as you’ll have me.”
My vision fogged as both our smiles grew tighter. Nothing was said, but enough was communicated. I was head over heels in love with him, but I wasn’t about to tell him that, not yet. Why spoil such a perfect moment?
“Are you okay?” Finn asked. “Is it too much? Sorry if I overstepped or overshared.”
“What? No, not at all, man. I…” His eyes were warm honey, and so honest. “Just… I was starting to believe I’d never find something real, and you’re so real.
You’re unlike anyone else I know. I never feel like I’m letting you down, like I’m enough as is, and that makes me feel a way I didn’t know I could. ”
“Yeah, man.” Finn was such a good person. Honest, and loyal, and true. Sometimes, when he smiled like that, his goodness leaked out. “And you make me feel… I dunno but I think it’s how normal people operate on the daily.”
The server arrived with our starters and bid us a good meal in French before I could respond.
The moment had faded, and as we looked at the raw beef and cooked snails, Finn said, “I’ve never had either of these before.”
“You’ve never had a boyfriend before, but that didn’t stop you from asking me just now.”
Finn’s face glazed over, and he sat back. He might be working on the not under-thinking thing, but it still amused me when he didn’t make obvious connections.
“Boyfriend. Damn. Wow.” He smiled, chuckled, looked down, and shook his head. “Damn.”
“Is that… do you not like that?”
He looked up, his smile radiant. “No. No, not all. I love it. I think… damn. Yeah, that works. That fits. It’s perfect.”
I felt like the Grinch, my heart growing three sizes at once. “Yeah, I think it is too.”
Finn laughed and shook his head, before staring at me wide-eyed. “Shit…”
“What?”
“Does this mean I have to like… come out to Miles?”
My face darkened, but I fixed it. “Eventually, yeah—”
“Do you think that’ll, like, mess with the seating chart?
I don’t think we’re sitting together. I’m sure Miles will want us to.
Do you think a month and a half is enough time to redo it?
Will your parents care if I sit with you?
Or like, would you wanna sit with me and Tyler and the boys? You know them, so—"
“Finn.” He was spiraling. “I doubt Bree would appreciate us stealing any thunder before the wedding. Let’s wait until after.” I cleared my throat. “Besides, it’s kinda hot sneaking around, isn’t it?”
His shoulders fell. “True. I can see her face when she hears, and it’s not pretty.” Finn laughed too hard again. “It is kinda fun sneaking around, yeah.”
I gave him a broad smile. “Let’s eat. The snails are getting cold, and the beef is getting warm,” I said.
Finn tried his first escargot, and then some of the beef.
Both were beyond amazing. But Finn was too.
His reaction to things he’d never had before was more endearing than anything, ever.
Big, goofy smile, a few whispered curse words, there was something magical in witnessing him experience a world he denied himself, without even knowing he was denying it.
It didn’t hit me until I was holding him in my arms as he drifted to sleep, that I’d also been denying myself. Finn would see it, experience it, and live it with me, too. I just hoped we could handle the finding out, or really, I could, for both our sakes.