Chapter Twenty Seven #2
Ryder leaned back. “You know? Then why were you so upset?”
I sighed. “It’s a lot. And kinda confusing.” The storm of thoughts from the night before had settled, leaving something I had avoided for a long time. “I love my parents. They’re good people, but they shouldn’t have had a kid. I know I wasn’t planned.”
“Yeah, you said.”
“I…” My neck still hurt, and I tried to crack it, but failed. He hadn’t moved, waiting for me. “I think I, like… put your family in the mental place where other people keep their own.” Half my face screwed up. “You know?”
“Kinda?”
My expression tensed, and my head hurt. “They were like my surrogate family.”
“They are, they love you. They say all the time how you’re their brother or son.” He offered a weak smirk. “I never saw you that way, but you know why.” Ryder chuckled.
I tucked a leg underneath me. “No. Not like that. Not the platitudes like ‘we have three sons,’ or whatever.” I took a deep breath. “I think I got the same sense of, like… security, or whatever, from your family that normal people get from their own. Like… they filled that gap, you know?”
“Oh.” Ryder’s eyes flicked away from mine and back.
“Yeah.” I fiddled with a pillow. “Talking about me was kinda fucked up, but you guys weren't wrong. I did have a massive crush on you, even if I never acknowledged it.” I glanced up at him, then back to the pillow. “What upset me was realizing I wasn’t part of your family and never would be.”
A moment passed as I realized his couch pillows had to have as many threads as his sheets. “Finn…” His voice was soft, and I felt his eyes on me. “You are. We always thought of you as one of us.”
I met his gaze. “No, Ry, I’m not. And that’s okay.
” I moved from fiddling with the pillow to my cuticles.
The deep reflection shit was tough. “I think I left a lot of my life processing to Miles, and the rest of you in a way. I saw things through your lens. But since being with you, I know myself better.”
“I have too. In ways I can’t even express.” Ryder pleaded with his eyes. “You’ve made everything so much better.”
“You have too. But more than just you and me. Like,” I looked away, “I’m probably more gay than bi. Or that I want a family myself one day. Wedding, kids, the whole thing.”
“I want that, too.”
“I know you do.” I took a breath and let it out. “So, like, when I found out that I really was an outsider, it was the end of one part of my life and the start of the next.” I let my shoulders collapse. “I got overwhelmed, embarrassed, and I overreacted. It wasn’t your fault, and I’m sorry.”
Ryder ran a hand down his unshaven face. It sounded like sandpaper. “It was my fault. I could say I was just a kid, but I was gay. I knew on some level how it would feel if the roles were reversed. I should’ve said something to them, or just stopped it, but I didn’t. And for that I’m sorry.”
“It’s okay. You were going through your own shit back then.”
His eyes were teary all at once. “I really fucking was.” He pinched the bridge of his nose.
I gave him a second. When he spoke again, his voice was steady.
“I never wanted my sexuality to be a big deal, so I made it no deal. I just… removed it. Made it nothing. Always told myself it was to protect other people, but I was protecting myself, too.”
I placed my hand on his knee. It was the first time we had touched since we were in the shower, about to have sex. He looked at my hand and then at me.
He continued. “That’s the other reason I didn’t tell you.
I didn’t want to… I was scared if I told you, you’d blow up the wedding because of me.
” He sighed and looked away. “I’ve had attention my whole life, but when all that shit happened with my team when I came out, it affected me so fucking deeply.
” He looked at me. “I’ve shied away from anything even close to that happening ever again. ”
“You’re confusing me.” I took my hand away. “Why would I blow up the wedding?”
“Because you’d choose me and withdraw, or tell everyone, because you’re a good, loyal, honest man.”
“Okay… Then why did you come on to me in Miami? How could that not give you even more attention?”
He looked from one of my eyes to the other.
“Because I wanted to. Because I’ve been attracted to you for a long time and have admired you for longer.
But there was a part of me that used it to express my anger and hurt.
I know that’s wrong. And I understand if you can’t be with me after hearing that. ”
Ryder wasn’t crying. Not with his voice. But the tears in his eyes fell when he blinked. I had never seen him so sad, so low, or so bare. It caved my chest in.
I laced my fingers through his hair and brought his lips to mine. No matter what, I loved that man. Flaws and all. Did he need to let me in so I could help him the way he helped others? Yes. But that didn’t mean I’d ever stop knocking.
When I let him go, I was crying, but laughing too. “No fucking way. Weren’t you listening to me? I want a family one day. And I’m not saying let’s go get married, but I could see it happening one day.”
“Really?” His face lit up, and his voice cracked.
“Yeah.” I took his hand and held it in my lap. “I don’t think I ever wanted it, not in a non-performative way. Remember the proposal party? How the very idea of asking someone to marry me felt impossible? Now I understand why, and want it someday, for real.”
“With me?”
“Maybe.” I smirked. “If you’re good.”