Chapter 27
TWENTY SEVEN
DARCY
The second I got off the phone with Archer, I had sent a text to the group chat with Shayna and Linnea.
He never called to ask me to come over, it was always a text.
I was trying not to freak out, but the feeling that he was going to break up with me, despite the fact that we weren’t officially together, had my stomach sinking like lead.
Shayna: Keep us posted!
I read the latest text right as Archer knocked on my door.
“It’s unlocked!” I shouted from the couch.
Letting himself inside, he scanned the apartment until he found me. “You shouldn’t leave your door unlocked. What if it wasn’t me?” He flipped the lock, then bent to take his boots off.
“I knew it was you. I heard your bike.” I watched him walk over and sink down onto the couch next to me. Dark circles shadowed his eyes, and his body held none of its usual rigidity. I knew he was coming off his forty-eight, but he seemed more tired than usual.
“Do me a favor, and please lock your door. If not for your sake then for mine? Please?” The sassy retort died on the tip of my tongue with one look at his expression. Something was bothering him, and that made my original anxieties surrounding his visit worsen.
“Sure,” I said, my voice coming out a little too reassuring. I dialed it back. “So, what’s up?”
He turned so he was facing me completely, his knee brushing mine, but he didn’t move it. I hesitantly let myself take that as a good sign. If he was here with bad news, he wouldn’t touch me, right?
“Chief Abrams offered me the lieutenant position this morning.”
My heart plummeted down to my leadened stomach.
So, I was right. He’d come over because we’d fulfilled both ends of our bargain, and now it was time to discuss the break up.
It shouldn’t have been a surprise because it was the original game plan, but wait, no, it was a surprise.
I wasn’t about to gaslight myself into thinking I’d made up everything that had happened between us that felt like more than fake dating.
That felt like more than two people using each other to achieve separate goals.
Breaking up might’ve been the original intention, but we’d let each other in, or we’d started to at least. The reality that he was sticking to the terms of the deal when I wanted to shred it, burn it, launch it into space, or all of the above, was disheartening.
Which left one thing to do: play it off like this wasn’t going to hurt me.
At least long enough for him to leave. Then I could cry.
“Congratulations. So, how do you want to do it?” I pumped my voice with all the detached nonchalance I could muster, and waited for him to answer enthusiastically with ideas.
But his face contorted in confusion, his posture stiffening. “What? What are you talking about?”
Pulling my knee back so that it no longer touched his, I pulled my hair up into a ponytail. Ponytails were like brass knuckles for women. “Our breakup. How do you want to do it?”
“I—I don’t.” Confusion, concern, and something that resembled hurt warred for dominance on his face. “Do you?”
It felt like someone dumped a bucket of ice water over my head, and now I was equally as confused as he was. “Wait. You aren’t here to talk about ending our deal?”
He shook his head as if trying to clear all his thoughts. “Is that why you thought I was coming over?”
“I suspected it was. Then you said you got the promotion and I figured that’s what that meant,” I blurted, caught in an emotional limbo, not knowing if I was supposed to be angry, sad, or relieved.
Archer’s features softened, a chuckle rumbling in his chest. “No, Darcy. I came over because I told the chief I needed to think about it because I don’t know what to do.”
My mouth dropped open, my emotions firmly rooting themselves in shock. “What do you mean you don’t know what to do? It’s what you wanted!”
A small smile played on his lips. “I was going to explain before you jumped to conclusions.”
“Sorry. Pregnancy hormones are not my friend. Please continue.” I’d let myself feel stupid for overreacting in a couple of minutes. Right now, I wanted to know what the hell he was talking about.
“I do still want the promotion, but I . . .” He trailed off.
“You what?”
“I want to have gotten it because I earned it—because he actually believes I’m the best man for the job. I don’t want it to be solely because of you.”
My eyebrows pinched together. “I don’t understand. That was the whole point of us fake dating, and you didn’t have an issue with it then.”
“Yeah because it wasn’t real!” He raised his voice defensively, eyes scanning my face as his words hit both of our ears. “It wasn’t real when we made the deal,” he amended in a softer voice.
It wasn’t real.
But it was now?
My heart thundered in my ears. “And now?”
Archer leaned toward me, moving his knee so it once again touched mine.
“Now, I’m scared out of my goddamn mind because whatever is going on between us is the realest thing I’ve felt in .
. .” He looked away, shaking his head in bewildered disbelief before regarding me seriously.
“I fight fires and ride a motorcycle because, up until recently, they were the only things that made me feel alive when I believed all the life to have been beaten out of me years ago.”
Tears burned at the back of my eyes, but I fought them off, clutching on to his every word.
“But you, you’re showing me that life doesn’t have to be complete shit.
That something good can come out of the ashes.
You’re all I think about, all of the time—what you’re doing, where you might be, what snippy comeback you’d have to something one of the firehouse guys said.
It’s annoying.” He laughed, his hand reaching out to toy with the tips of my fingers.
“And it’s terrifying because I don’t see any way where we’re together and I don’t fuck it all up, but I can’t get myself to let you go. ”
I scooched forward until I was almost in his lap and rested my palm on the side of his face, brushing my thumb over his cheekbone. “Why are you so convinced you’re going to screw anything up?”
“Because it’s all I’ve ever done, Darcy.” His eyes crashed into mine. “My mom is dead because of me. My dad started drinking because of me. And if we do this for real, I’m going to ruin you too. Except it won’t just be you, it’ll be her as well.” He placed his hand over my stomach.
“Him,” I parried through watery eyes.
“Be serious with me right now,” he pleaded.
“I am being serious, Archer. You’re not responsible for your mother’s death, and you’re sure as shit not responsible for your dad’s actions.
What he did, who he became, was all his own doing, just like who you are is your own doing.
” This time when I moved, I crawled into his lap, cradling his face between both of my hands.
“You want to know why the chief offered you the position? Because he was finally able to see who you are. He saw the man who is reliable, unwavering, strong, and selfless. Maybe I’m the reason you finally opened up enough for him to see that side of you, but you’ve always been those things. You earned the promotion.”
Resting his forehead against mine, he breathed. “Darcy.”
“No, listen to me. I’m a lot more capable than you’re giving me credit for.
If I thought you were a danger to me or this baby, I wouldn’t let you anywhere near either of us.
I told you that I was an excellent judge of character, and I am.
You are not going to become your father simply because he raised you.
If anything, I think it’s exactly why you won’t. ”
“You don’t know that for—” he started, but I stopped him.
“I do. And if it ever came to that, I’d be gone before you ever got the chance to lay a hand on either of us.” I held his gaze. “But it’s not going to come to that.”
Archer nodded quietly, a tear slipping down his cheek.
While we were on the topic, I decided to speak honestly. “And I think you need to talk to someone about everything. Not just me, or Harrison, a professional. Because what you’ve experienced is something no one, especially a child, should ever have to go through.”
He sucked in a steadying breath. “You’re right.”
“I usually am.” I smirked, pulling away so I could look at him fully.
“Brat,” he muttered, a small smile relieving the frown from his face.
“Watch yourself, Mack. I may be pregnant but I will kick your ass,” I warned, breaking out in a laugh at the end.
“I know you will. So, where does that leave us?”
“It leaves you calling the chief and telling him you’re taking the position.”
“And us?” he asked, a hesitant quality to his tone.
I ignored his question for the moment, and posed one of my own. “Why do you want to be with me?”
Confusion creased his brow when he pulled back to look at me. “I told you. I can’t get you—”
“No.” I shook my head. “I get that. Trust me, I get that. I guess what I’m asking is .
. .” Taking a deep breath through my nose, I powered on.
“Is the baby the only reason you want to be with me? Because you can want to be in your child’s life without caring for me too—I won’t hold that against you.
The last thing I want is for you to convince yourself that you have feelings for me simply because I’m the mom, or—”
“Stop.” The command was sharp, but not harsh. I stopped talking. “I don’t do anything because I have to, and I certainly wouldn’t date someone out of some sense of obligation alone. I want to be with you because of you.”
“So, if the baby wasn’t yours, you’d be fine with that?” I questioned.
Gently, he tipped my chin up, and peered down at me. “I’m choosing you, why wouldn’t I choose the baby as well?”
The tears I’d successfully fought into submission earlier returned, and there was no stopping them this time. I nodded, sniffling and wiping furiously at my eyes. If I never have to be this overly emotional again it would be too soon.
“You’re mine. The baby is ours, whether she’s mine, the other guy’s, or some god’s I don’t believe in.
I’m choosing you and the nostalgic rap music you play far too loud, the heartfelt movies that are—” At my glare he thought twice of his next words.
“Super amazing, and the absurd amount of recycling that comes from ice cream cartons alone. You spent the last fifteen minutes convincing me to give us a chance, how is it that I’m now having to convince you? ”
I laughed. “You’ve got trauma, and I’m apparently more insecure than I realized.”
“So,” Archer started again, smiling. “Where does that leave us?”
“I think we’re going to try this for real, at least if that’s what you want too. I don’t know what I’m doing anymore than you do, but we can figure it out together,” I offered, trying to keep my smile from slipping into “stupid grin” territory.
“It’s what I want,” he answered, his arms snaking around my waist and dragging me closer to him. “And I’d say we make a solid pair,” he responded, dropping a kiss to the tip of my nose.
It wasn’t until a while later, when Archer had fallen asleep on the couch during a movie he’d picked, that reality sunk in. The man quietly snoring next to me wasn’t just the father of my baby, he was my boyfriend. For real this time.
I texted the group.
Me: We’re doing it for real now.
Their responses were immediate.
Lins: AHHHH!! YAY! I’m so happy for you, Darse!
Shayna: Girl…it’s been real the whole time. Y’all are just king and queen of denial.
Archer shifted and I peeked over at him. He was slumped to the side using the armrest of the couch as a pillow, his arms folded over his chest, which was rising and falling with each breath he took.
Maybe we were the king and queen of denial, but I didn’t see anything wrong with that. Denial was the body’s way of protecting itself until it was ready to handle the truth. Archer and I hadn’t been ready for our truth yet, but we were now.
My eyes grew heavy watching him sleep, the superhero movie he put on having lost me and my interest within the first ten minutes. I let myself lean down against him, promising to only rest my eyes until the credits rolled, but I was sound asleep within minutes.