20. A Mess Called Love
TWENTY
Avery ploppeddown next to Mindy on the loveseat without being invited to sit. “Professor Scheer, I owe you a huge apology,” she said, rambling already. “I was so rude to you and to Justin, and I’m sorry.”
“You can call me Mindy if you want to, Avery.”
“Mindy. Okay. I’m so sorry.”
“Apology accepted.” Mindy’s smile was tense but genuine, lips slightly pursed. “I’m sure that was a shock.”
“That’s one word for it.”
“I was pretty surprised, too. I was pretty surprised when I learned how old your brother was, to be honest.”
“Well, he’s a big guy.”
“He’s a big guy who’s been through a lot. Maybe it ages him a little.” Mindy watched Avery’s eyes. “It sounds like he had to grow up pretty fast in some ways.”
“I guess.”
“You guess?”
Avery glanced around the room, wishing for an exit now that her apology had been made. She knew what she told Mindy as an academic advisor, but had no clue what Justin whispered in her ear. Maybe that was how he viewed it—growing up too fast. Avery felt it stunted both of them and left them unable to move on and grow up for years.
“I mean, sure he did,” she said quickly. “Is this okay for you two? If you teach and he’s a student? I know I’m being nosy, but…” She trailed off.
“It’s a necessary question.” Mindy sipped a cup of beer. “It’s safe enough here, with no phones or recordings. Justin told me you offered to switch advisors and he pushed back, but I think you were right to suggest that. There’s no conflict of interest with me and him, but I don’t want you to be put in the position where someone would suggest you got preferential treatment.”
“So will I go to Toya Herbert, then?”
“I think that makes the most sense, don’t you? And we’ll just make sure you don’t get put in any of my sections. Toya and I will work it out if that becomes an issue with registration. Whether or not something really blossoms between Justin and me, it’s important to me that this does not affect you as a student, Avery.”
She let it sink in. Whether she supported or rejected it, the relationship between Justin and Mindy was not in her control. Mindy, when she was still Professor Scheer, had been an ally since the day they met. And, like several mentors had before, felt like more of a friend to Avery than most people her own age.
She could do it. She could lean in.
“Thank you for considering that. I guess you like him a lot, if you’ve already thought of those things.”
“I do like him a lot. And those things are important to Justin, too.”
Avery bit her lip to stop it from quivering. “He’s still so mad at me for being a jerk about it.”
“He’s really not.”
“He won’t talk to me. And I guess I don’t blame him. I get so pushy.”
“Avery, I think—this is just my opinion, but I think he’s embarrassed to tell you he was wrong, so he’s doing the man thing and projecting. I promise, I’ve been telling him to call you back.”
“He’s doing the childish thing, you mean. Either way, it’s hurtful and rude. I apologized for my side a million times.”
“I know.”
“Justin and I never fought before. And please don’t say I need to grow up and let my brother have a girlfriend. That’s not it at all.” She spotted Isaac and Cam leaving the kitchen and waved.
“I don’t think that. The problem isn’t you, honey. It’s Justin’s stuff that he’s working through.”
“I’ve been bugging him for years to see a counselor, and he won’t. He’s not working through anything. He’s dwelling on it. We used to talk about everything, even the hard stuff, and I thought it would still be like that when I came here.” Avery swallowed back a lump in her throat. “That’s the whole reason I’m here. We were supposed to stick together.”
“You’re here for your art, too. Don’t belittle that. You told me the first day we met how important Justin is to you, but you have something beautiful for yourself in the things you create. Be here for yourself, too.”
“I’m here for him,” Avery insisted. “I could have gone to the Chicago Art Institute if art mattered more. I think I could have.”
“With your portfolio and your drive, I’m sure you could have. Where else did you apply besides UND?”
“Nowhere. I did early decision.”
Her na?ve logic suddenly roiled her stomach. Had she sold herself short, only to be displaced by her beloved brother’s tantrums? How long had it been since she had any dreams that didn’t center around following him?
Three years. Three years exactly.
She peeked down the hall where Cameron disappeared and wondered if that counted. Even if everything went right, a dream like that might lead to her following another man around for football, and creating art when she had time. The thought prickled her skin like a rash, and she twitched her fingers in her lap to keep from clawing her arms.
“You guys are supposed to have brunch tomorrow, right?” Mindy asked, brightening. “I don’t want to cloud the air with my amateur psychiatric assessments. This is your conversation with him. Not mine.”
“Agreed.” Avery patted her cheeks to calm herself. “Whew. Okay. Where is he, anyway?”
Mindy glanced at her nearly empty cup. “He said a few minutes ago he was going out back to get us drinks. He must have found someone to talk to.”
“Cam said he was drinking a lot earlier.”
“He took the loss pretty hard today.” Mindy smiled, and Avery wondered if she knew which loss was really on Justin’s mind. “I’ve seen you and Cam in the lounge by my office a lot. Is that a thing for you two?”
“Maybe. I’m optimistic.” She was glad the low light hid her blush. “But I know Justin was a little bummed the thing with Isaac didn’t pan out. Thank God for you distracting him, I guess.”
“Oh, he moped to me a little,” Mindy said. “But he’s always pinned all these hopes and dreams on you, Avery, and it’s good that you’re as headstrong and tough as you are. I truly admire the way you’re using art as a tool to face your fears. Have you found another piece to work with? I remembered the other day that the sketch you liked was?—”
Avery raised her hand to cut her off and craned her head to the hall. She leapt from the loveseat and grabbed Mindy’s hand, yanking her down the hallway, shoving past a dozen people as she followed her brother’s voice to the backyard. Cam and Benny held Justin’s elbows, keeping him from barreling into Isaac, who stood alone by the bonfire like a sacrifice.
“You know what would really make me feel better, Isaac? I’d feel a hell of a lot better if you’d explain why everyone matters more than your family!” He bellowed in his friend’s face and Avery gasped, covering her mouth.
“Mindy,” she hissed. “He never calls him that.”
“You didn’t think of us when you decided to play hero,” Justin ranted. “Just had to be the good guy. Just had to make everyone proud. Was it worth it? I don’t fucking think so!”
“He only calls him Fields,” Avery murmured to herself. “Oh, Justin. No.”
“You let us down!” he roared. “You destroyed our family for some stranger. Mom and Dad and me and Avie. You ruined everything, you stupid hero! Now you’re a goddamn martyr, all over the news because you failed. You were supposed to be the strong one. What kind of brother are you?”
Lit by the orange flames and surrounded by a dozen gawking teammates and friends, Isaac stared Justin down with squared shoulders, clenched fists, and pain in his hazel eyes. He said nothing at the torrent of abuse. Justin, seemingly blind as to which Isaac he was screaming at, snapped out of his haze just in time to see his friend’s glance flicker to his sister.
“Avie,” he choked, his shoulders collapsing forward. “I’m sorry. I’m supposed to be stronger now.”
She stepped toward him and didn’t take her eyes from her brother’s bloodshot gaze. “I’m here, Justin,” she whispered. “Hey. I’m right here. We’re strong together. I haven’t left you. I never will.”
“Isaac left,” he said, his voice flat.
She nodded at Benny to let him go, but couldn’t meet Cameron’s eyes and wouldn’t turn around to look at Isaac Fields for fear of dragging Justin’s attention to him again.
“Yes, Justin. He left. I’m here with you, though.”
“He left us.”
She rubbed his shoulder and pushed a lock of sweat-drenched blond hair off his forehead. “He didn’t mean to. He loved us so much.”
“Not enough.” Justin stood straighter. “Why are you defending him?”
Benny stayed close to Justin’s left arm and Cam to his right. “Because he was my brother, too,” she said, raising her voice. “And I will not stand here and let you cuss him down for dying trying to save another human being.”
“The guy was already dead!”
“He didn’t know that!”
Justin stepped forward. Cam and Benny grabbed his elbows as Isaac moved to Avery’s side. She brushed away his outstretched hand.
“He let us down,” Justin growled. “We need him more than that stranger ever did.”
“That stranger had a family too, you know. We’re not the only people grieving. When are you and Dad and Mom going to see that? That family has to live with the fact that our brother died trying to save their drunk idiot son who crashed a jet ski into his boat.”
“Why do you care what the dead guy’s family thinks? It was his fault he died! Isaac couldn’t have saved him, and he died trying anyway. It was pointless. That’s right, Isaac.” He turned to his friend and spat the name like an insult. “You died trying to save a dead man. You left us. You abandoned us for a dead man.”
Avery yanked his chin so he’d face her. “Oh, like you’re abandoning me now? Isaac’s dead, and you’re abandoning me to cry about him.” She pointed. “That’s not him, Justin! He doesn’t even look like him. You’re mad about his name. Want to talk about pointless? There you go.”
“I have to see someone who looks like him every day in my goddamn mirror.”
“And so do I! You can’t treat your friends like that, even if you are drunk as hell and sad about everything. Here we are. Wake up and deal with it.”
The backyard fell silent but for the pop and crackle of the fire, and the faraway singing of the last of the summer crickets. Fighting a scream, Avery bit down hard on the inside of her cheek and didn’t take her eyes from her brother’s.
Justin tried to yank free of his friends’ grasp. “You act like it doesn’t even hurt anymore. Like it doesn’t affect you at all. You’re faking your way out of your issues.”
“I am coping. I am getting professional help and moving forward with my life.”
“But you can’t even have a normal relationship when I practically lay one at your feet. He won’t let you down, Avie. He can’t.”
“Isaac and I are human beings. He is not your pawn, and you don’t just sell him my hand.”
Justin glared at Cameron. “No,” he said, whipping around. “No, I guess I can’t do that.”
“Do you have a problem with my choices?”
He said nothing.
“Do you have a problem with my choices? How I live and who I love are up to me, not you, and they never were up to him, either. You’re trying to be a version of him that never existed. You’re so caught up in your big-brother god complex, you’re taking the only brother I have left and turning him into a manipulative jerk. Isaac Whitman wasn’t like that. Justin Whitman isn’t, either.”
Justin turned his face to the ground, and Avery grabbed Isaac’s hand. “And you owe Isaac Fields an apology,” she seethed. “This is your friend. He is not our brother, and you cannot use him to fill that space.”
“Well, well. I forgot you were taking psych.”
“Nice to know the real Justin is still in there, you drunken ass.”
“Avie.” His voice was a strained rasp, and from ten feet away, the tequila on his breath hit her like a rancid wave.
“What do you want? This Isaac, the real living and breathing one, is about to walk away from you, and he’s taking your baby sister with him. You do not treat us like this. I will always come back to you, but you’d better ask nicely and shape the hell up. You’ll be lucky if our friend offers you the same grace.”
Isaac tugged her hand. “Avery, we don’t have to?—”
“I need you right now,” she whispered, and on hearing the wobble in her voice, he gave her hand a squeeze.
Justin didn’t respond. He glanced between them over and over as Avery counted to ten. Stone-faced, she intertwined her fingers with Isaac’s and led him away from the bonfire.
She pressed her back to the brick wall facing the parking lot, fighting for breath as the tears finally overflowed. “How could I say all that?” she gasped. “He needed me for comfort, and I attacked him. Why did I do that? And then when he showed a tiny bit of tenderness, I kicked him when he was down.” She brushed the tears from her cheeks and turned to him. “Isaac, that is not me. How could I have been such a bitch to him?”
“For whatever it’s worth, I don’t think you said anything he didn’t need to hear.” His lips were pale.
“He didn’t need to hear it in front of all those people. Oh God, everyone saw. I humiliated him. He will never forgive me.”
“He started it, and he was wrong. You stood up for your brother who can’t speak for himself.” He pulled her into his arms and let her rest against his shoulder. “You stood up for me when I froze. I thought the best thing to do was just to let him blow off steam, but you came in there, guns blazing, and you stood up for my friendship with both of you. That means the world to me.”
“I know he cherishes you as a friend. He’s not just using you, I promise. He owes you an apology.”
“He’s hurting, and when he wakes up tomorrow morning, he’ll call me Fields again.”
“He needs to work through that, and he won’t. He’s drunk, but that’s no excuse for coming at you the way he did.” She wiped tears from her cheeks as she rested on his shoulder. “Thank you for walking away with me. I might have sounded brave, but I was ready to break. God, I still am. ”
“You’re shaking. Stay with me, and we’ll let this wear off a little. I’ve got you.”
“Did Mindy see all that? She came outside with me.”
“Yeah, I think she saw it.”
Avery stepped back from his arms and knocked her head gently on the bricks. Isaac brushed a lock of blonde hair behind her ear. “Justin will have to answer to her for all that, Avery. You don’t need to get in the middle of it.”
“I feel stupid for fighting it on principle. I really, really like her and I hope this doesn’t blow it.”
“That’s his mistake if it does, not yours. You’re not on clean-up duty.” He nudged her up and looked at her. “You’ll stay out of it, right? Don’t blame yourself.”
“I’ll stay out of it.”
The pain in his hazel eyes nearly pulled her in and drowned her.
“Isaac, why are you looking at me like that?”
“Like what?”
“Nothing. All the smoke from the fire gets to my eyes after a while, and you just looked weird for a second.”
“I probably look like I wish you weren’t basically my sister, because you are one of the most badass and silly and smart people I’ve ever met. I am in awe of you. And with red eyes and smudged makeup, you’re beautiful. But I’m not supposed to think of you like that.”
“Please do not tell me you were hitting the tequila with Justin.”
“Beer. Not a ton. I needed something to sustain me through awkward small talk while you talked to Cam.” He leaned forward and held her forehead-to-forehead as he stroked her neck. “I guess coming clean changes everything.”
“You always knew how I felt about him.”
“You want him, and not me.”
“Yes, and I don’t believe I’ve ever given you a reason to think otherwise. Have I?”
He flustered. “Maybe we judged each other a little too fast.”
“Don’t do this. Don’t make me walk away pissed at two men I care about tonight. If you and I ever did anything, we’d regret it. You’re supposed to tell your one and only love that you were never even attracted to your dear popsicle friend Avery, remember?”
The loose waves in his auburn hair were frantic and frazzled, and beads of sweat still shimmered on his neck. “Yes. That’s what I want to say. What do I tell Miss Future Wife if she asks whether my friend Avery was ever attracted to me?”
She couldn’t meet his eyes. It didn’t matter that she and Cam weren’t officially together. She belonged to him, and to kiss Isaac’s lips, even for a moment to remove any shred of doubt, would be a betrayal.
“You tell her no.”
Isaac heaved a sigh and stepped back. “God, Avery, I’m sorry. I don’t know what came over me.”
“You’re exhausted and emotional, and some of what Justin said got stuck between your ears,” Avery said. “When people are exhausted and emotional, they lean on each other. You and I are close enough to lean, but we are not leaning like that. I’m not a big fan of living in denial, but this conversation never happened.”
She rubbed her hands over her face, smearing her mascara even more as she recalled all the ways she’d seen grief either ruin people, or bring them together in a love that wobbled on a foundation of loss. Her parents let it destroy them in an endless cycle of leaning in and pushing back. She and Justin might be a mess they called love.
“Let’s find Cam,” Isaac said. “At least one decent guy hasn’t pissed you off tonight. He’ll take care of you.”
“I don’t need anyone to take care of me. I’ll walk home.”
“That’s a forty-minute walk.”
“I’ll call a rideshare.”
“I’ll drive you home.”
“No. I’ll get home on my own. We can talk about this tomorrow.”
Cam cleared his throat as he approached. Avery startled, eyes wide, and wondered how much he’d heard.
“I need you guys,” he said. “Justin’s sick, and he’s asking for you. I guess I don’t need you, but I wanted you to know, if you want to see him.”
“He’s throwing up that mess?”
“It’s not pretty. He’s in the bathroom across the hall from his room.”
“If he asked for me, I’ll go. Did he ask for our brother, or the real Isaac?”
“He asked for Fields.”
Isaac turned Avery’s chin so she’d look into his eyes. “I’ll only go if it doesn’t make you feel uncomfortable. I really am sorry about what I said. That was ridiculous and selfish, and I think I just lost my mind for a minute, so?—”
She felt Cam’s eyes on them. “You’re fine,” she said. “I’ll be fine. But if Justin goes off on you again, I want you to leave. Don’t let him use you as an emotional punching bag.”
“Then I guess we’re both on clean-up duty now.”
Cam reached for her hand as Isaac turned to go. “Avery, wait. I’ll stay if you want. Justin’s my friend, and I want to help him. I want to help you.”
“I’m compartmentalizing,” she said, uttering a harsh laugh. Her tone softened when she saw the hurt in his brown eyes penetrating hers. “Cameron, seeing you is always the best part of my day. I appreciate the offer, but I don’t want you involved in this mess.”
She didn’t want him in Justin’s mess, or Isaac’s, and she didn’t want him to see her with Isaac any more than he already had that evening. She didn’t want him to hear Isaac say anything else in the same vein as the uncomfortable conversation a minute ago. She didn’t want her plastered brother to say anything more about her choices, and giving Cam shit for something that wasn’t even real yet. More than anything, she didn’t want Cam to see her as the girl with a messy family and messy mascara and a messy heart that she couldn’t train out of the fear that everyone she loved might one day be lost.
He held out his hand.
“Then please call or text me tomorrow and let me know you’re okay.”
Wordless, she handed him her phone, and he added his number.
“Please,” he repeated, handing it back.
She smiled at the contact card. “I will, Orange Hat Boy. I will.”
Isaac put his arm around her and pulled her away.