Chapter 20
20
Z eke couldn’t do it.
He couldn’t get in a car and leave.
He couldn’t go into public.
He didn’t have to. He didn’t have to ever step foot out of this cabin if he didn’t want to.
This was all Wesley’s fault.
Wesley made him want things.
He locked himself in the bathroom and turned on the shower. He didn’t get in the shower, but he needed the noise.
“Hey.” Wesley knocked on the bathroom door. “Do you need a hand with those stripes? I can help—” The door handle rattled. “Zeke? You locked the door, boy.”
Dammit.
Damn.
It.
Damn damn damn fuck shit motherfucker BALLS!
“Habit, I guess.” He pulled off his shirt before unlocking the door. “I was going to jump in the shower.”
“Sure. It’s going to be rough on your back and your butt though. Keep it lukewarm.” Wesley turned him and examined his back. “They look good though. They look really good on you.”
He had to smile, because Master Wesley’s tone sank down into his bones.
Master kissed his neck. “You need help in the shower? If not, I’ll hang out here and put some stuff on it when you get out.”
“I’d share with you. The hot water is bad, huh?” He didn’t want to get into a cool shower…
“It can sting the next day, you know? Heat on heat. Maybe you’d rather wait until tomorrow?”
“Yeah. Yes, Sir. I think so.” He just had needed to hide and freak out, but he guessed he needed his Sir more.
“I was just deciding what to wear. Is it colder in town, do you know?” Sir reached past him and pulled a tub of salve out of his toiletry bag. “Let me put some of this on you before you get dressed. And then we should find you a soft cotton T-shirt if you have one.”
“I don’t know. I’ve never been. It’s not far, they say, so how much colder can it be?”
“It’s probably fine. I was just making small talk. Are you okay? You’re shivering a little.”
“I’m just a little ramped up, I guess?” Worried about disappointing you. Worried about disappointing myself. Worried about having a meltdown.
“I can help with that.” Sir spanked one ass cheek. It wasn’t hard, but his skin was sensitive. “Give you something to distract you, ground you.”
His eyes went wide, the little blow shocking as hell. “I—thank you, Sir?”
Sir chuckled, smoothing salve over that cheek first and then the other. “You’re welcome, boy.”
He took a deep breath, then another one. “You make me a little dizzy, you know that?”
“Only a little?” Sir kissed his nape. “I can do better than that.”
He whimpered, and his knees tried to buckle. “Uh-huh…”
“You’re even more beautiful right now. Everything is healing up nicely.”
“I can feel you, everywhere, Sir. I ache.” But it was deeply satisfying.
“Then you won’t forget who you belong to and who is keeping you safe when we go out today. If you need reminding, close your eyes and feel those stripes.”
“I’m scared,” he whispered. He didn’t know if Master Wesley would hear him. He didn’t know if he wanted Sir to hear him, but he’d said it anyway.
“I sensed that, and I’m glad you told me. Let’s get you some clothes and work out a compromise.” Master took his hand. “Come on.”
“Soft, right?” He took that hand and held on tight.
“Soft first, then warm. Do you have a soft T-shirt?” Sir wasn’t leaving his side, staying almost comically close, following him to the dresser and peering into the drawer he opened. “You can use your safe words anywhere, you know.”
He blinked over, shocked—not by the words, but more at the idea. He could, and Master Wesley would hear him. Suddenly, it was hard to breathe, and he pushed into his Master’s arms, begging a hug.
“Oh, hey.” Master’s arms went around him, resting low on his hips where it didn’t hurt, and pulled him close. “It’s okay. We don’t have to go today. You’re not ready, we can try this tomorrow.”
“I don’t want to disappoint you. I want to be strong for you.”
“I will be disappointed if you’re not honest with me. We’re going to go. But, like I said, we don’t have to go today.” Sir just held him, speaking gently but firmly.
He let Master hold him, rock him, and he melted into the touch.
“You still need to get dressed, boy. Let’s get you a shirt, and we’ll order some breakfast and talk, okay? We need to talk about this.” Sir didn’t let him just disappear into those arms the way he wanted to.
“Yes, Sir.” He kissed Wesley’s throat. “I have a soft fleece shirt. Will that work?”
“Sure, that will work just fine. Hand it to me, I’ll help.”
The shirt was his favorite, blessedly warm and soft, a deep, lovely green, and he handed it over. “We should get you one like this for the winter.”
“It looks really comfy. Maybe we can find one for me in town tomorrow.” Sir slid the shirt onto his arms, then up over his shoulders.
It stung, but just for a second. “Yes, Sir.”
He could handle tomorrow.
“I can treat that for you any time. You just have to let me know if it hurts, okay?” Sir buttoned up his shirt. “Find some sweats. Something loose. I’m going to head down and stoke up the fire so you don’t get cold.”
“Did you want me to order breakfast for you, Master?” He would. A bacon omelet and toast.
“Sure. Be warm first though. Sweats, slippers. That’s more important.” Sir started down the narrow steps from the loft and stopped to smile at him. “This will be a good day too.”
“Yes, Sir.” Because it was their day.
He bundled up, then ordered Wesley’s breakfast and a big bowl of oatmeal with berries and nuts for him. He headed downstairs into the front room, making sure the room was basically picked up.
Wesley came in from the porch with his arms full of wood, letting in a big gust of frigid air. “This might be a better call than I realized. It’s freezing out there.” Wesley closed the door with his foot and went to the fireplace.
“It’s supposed to be a stormy day. Freezing rain is wild. Breakfast is on the way.” Also, that was super-hot—his Master because, macho.
“Sounds great. You should have told me it was going to be stormy. We’d have made different plans.” Sir knelt and added a couple of fresh logs to the half-burned ones from the night before and worked to get the fire going again with a little rolled-up paper and a match.
“I didn’t look until this morning. Last night was… busy.” Like whoa busy.
“It was. Such a wonderful night. I’m so proud of you. Do you want to start our talk there? With what you remember?”
“All right. Yes, Sir.” He remembered everything, he was fairly sure. “I felt like I was soaring. I felt like we were so close together. I felt you everywhere.”
“I also felt close. I loved the way you offered your whole body, your whole self, to me.”
“I love you. I’m yours, all of me, balls to bones.”
Sir stood, the fire crackling behind him now. “I love you too. I’m also yours, boy, in every way possible.”
“I know. You came for me. You came back.” Who else would do that?
“I did. Honestly, I couldn’t handle being so far away. It was a successful event, but it didn’t feel real or right without you there. So we won’t be apart again.” Sir kissed him softly. “But I can’t be a hermit in this cabin all winter, so we have to compromise.”
“I know. I swear, I’m going to fix myself. I will.” He didn’t know how, but he was determined.
Just not today.
“You’re not broken, Zeke.” Sir put an arm over his shoulders and pulled him to the couch to sit. “You’re anxious. You spent a lot of time worrying about being safe. You’ve pushed the world away for a long time. Even if you want to believe me, I can’t just wave all of that away by telling you that you’ll be fine.”
“I’m trying, Sir. I swear to you. I am trying so hard.” He was going to do it. He was just going to get into a car.
“I know. What do you need from me? How can I help?”
“I don’t know. I mean, I don’t want to embarrass us. I don’t want to cry. I don’t want to be an idiot…”
“I won’t be embarrassed. I’m proud of you for trying. You can cry. You can do whatever you need to do. We’ll be together and nobody else matters.” Sir stroked fingers through his hair. “Nobody else matters but me and you.”
“I feel so silly, but I had been so rootless, so scared, and this place felt like a haven, like somewhere he could never find me again.”
“Zeke, I think it’s time that you told me everything. His name. Where he lives. Why you ran from him. Why you think he’s looking for you.” Master held him tighter and nuzzled his hair. “I should know now, I think.”
Zeke stared at his Master, his breath catching in his chest. “I don’t talk about him, Sir,” he whispered. “I’ve never said his name here.”
“He has no power over you anymore. I am here to keep you safe, and I’m not leaving your side.” Sir shifted to look at him. “Would you rather I get us a room?”
That would be a waste of money, and he hated letting him have this much power here. “No. His name is Gerald. He lived in Nashville. He was married and I didn’t know it. He got in a relationship with me, and he was… he swore he was a Dom, but he wasn’t. He was an asshole, and— Anyway, I figured out he was cheating, I told his wife, and she left with the kids. He burned down my house. I came here.”
“Shit.” Wesley held him in strong, steady arms. “I’m sorry about your house. I’m sorry he treated you badly. But that is far behind you now and he can’t hurt you. Not here, not anywhere.”
“They never caught him. He’s never resurfaced, and I know he’s not—why would he still be mad at me? He’s busy showing bound subs off to his friends and being a dick.” Oh. Oh, he was mad.
Not just a bit.
But mad.
“Yeah? What else? Tell me more. Tell me what a dick he is.”
“I don’t want to. He liked to make me cry. He liked to embarrass me. He left me alone and—” He stood, the world spinning a bit. “I need a drink. Where the fuck is our breakfast?”
Wesley stood with him, holding him by one arm. “Boy. Tell me.”
So many thoughts zipped through his mind. He needed a hug. He needed to know that Wesley would love him, no matter what. “Minor. Minor. I need a hug. I need help. Please.”
Wesley pulled him back down to the couch and right into his lap. “I’m right here. You’re safe. Just breathe for me, okay? In and out.” Wesley took a breath with him and let it out slowly.
“I’m so—” He took another breath, then another. He wasn’t sorry for safewording. He was mad that son of a bitch had stolen his life.
“So… what?” Wesley whispered softly. “Scared? Hurt? Angry?”
“Angry. God, I’m so fucking angry and humiliated.” And it made his soul hurt.
“It’s good be angry. You should feel that, let it out, let it go. It’s a lot to carry around, you know? Just… tell me. Tell him. Don’t let him take anything else from you. Not another minute. Just yell and punch some pillows and be fucking angry.”
“He left me. He left me bound and naked in the back of a bar. Everyone thought it was funny, until someone figured out it wasn’t. I was sure someone was going to hurt me.” Someone had hurt him. Gerald had hurt him. “I was humiliated and exposed and deserted.”
“That’s not Dominance, that’s abuse. And that will never, ever happen to you again. Ever.” Wesley just held him, backing up those words with quiet patience.
“He burned down my house. All my guitars, things from the road. I freaked out. I needed help.” He needed a haven. A place to hide from the ugliness out there.
“You found one. That’s a wonderful thing. You’re lucky that you had means and could do this, not everyone could. But you don’t need to hide anymore, and there is a wonderful world out there. Small steps, right? We leave here, and we come back here.”
He nodded, but there was a tiny voice whispering—what if he’s out there? What if he’s waiting for me?
“Hey. Look at me, boy.” Wesley took his chin gently and turned his head. “Do you believe that I can keep you safe?”
Did he? Master Wesley was street-smart, strong, confident. He was well-connected, kind, and loving. “Yes, and if you can’t for some reason, you won’t leave me to face it alone.”
Wesley nodded. “I would never leave you to face anything alone. Nothing. We’re better together than either of us is alone.”
“He’s tall and pale, he has a tattoo of a snake on his arm, and if I see him, I’m going to scream.” In fact, when someone knocked on the door, he jumped and barked out a sharp cry.
“Whoa. It’s just breakfast. I got it.” Wesley stood and tucked a blanket around him. “Definitely scream if you see him. Then I’ll know.” Wesley answered the door, then came back with their breakfast, which he set on the coffee table.
Coffee. Juice. A bowl of oatmeal, an omelet.
He could smell the coffee, the bacon, and Wesley’s aftershave. He could hear the clink of the glasses, the crackle of the fire, and the beating of his heart. He could see the tray of food, the little red carnation in the bud vase, and Master Wesley’s eyes, watching him.
“You got a nice breakfast for yourself. Good boy. Let’s eat.” Wesley handed him his bowl and a spoon. “Nice and warm.”
“Yes, Sir.” He wasn’t hungry, but he added the fruit and nuts and brown sugar anyway, because Master was right, it was comforting.
Wesley picked up the omelet and sat with him again, pulling the blanket over them both. “I will keep you safe. I won’t leave you alone, or humiliate you, or make you feel afraid. And I won’t let that asshole anywhere near you.”
“You would never humiliate me. Ever.” That he knew, one hundred percent. “We’re a couple.”
“I love you. We can do anything together.” Wesley leaned over and kissed his cheek. “You’re mine. I’m yours.”
He nodded, put his bowl down, put his head in his hands, and cried.
* * *
Wesley set his breakfast aside and pulled Zeke close again. He was angry and emotional about this asshole Zeke had to run from, but he wasn’t about to let any of that show. His boy needed confidence and reassurance from him. Zeke needed to believe he was safe.
And Zeke was safe. He would make sure the boy never felt otherwise.
“I’ve got you. It’s okay.”
“I’m sorry. I’m sorry, I don’t want to, but I—” Zeke leaned in. “I’m so sorry.”
“Don’t want to, what, Zeke?” He smoothed Zeke’s hair. “Don’t apologize. This is good, I need to know.”
“I was so scared, for so long, and then I went numb. Quiet inside, you know? Still.”
“You were protecting yourself. I understand. Staying safe.” He wanted to pull Zeke out of that pattern.
“Yeah. You make me not numb anymore.”
That was a lovely thing to say.
“You shouldn’t be numb. There are too many wonderful things to feel. You’re brave, Zeke, sharing all of that with me.”
It was a lot, actually. A lot of responsibility, a lot for him to worry about. But he believed that he could help Zeke, believed in how they felt about each other.
“You should eat, Master. Your eggs will get weird and cold. No one likes weird cold eggs.”
“Oatmeal is no good cold either.” He let Zeke go and picked up Zeke’s oatmeal, holding it out to him. “You eat too. Deal?”
“Deal. The oatmeal here is really good.” Zeke sniffled and took a bite. “Especially in the winter.”
“It’s a long winter.” He was glad to see Zeke trying to eat. He took a bite of his omelet, it wasn’t hot, but it wasn’t cold yet, and it was definitely tasty. “Have some of the bacon.”
“I don’t want to bogart your yumminess.”
“Shut up.” He picked up a piece and held it out for Zeke to take a bite.
Zeke blinked at him, then snapped a bite off the piece, teeth sharp.
“Ooh. Dangerous teeth.” He laughed and winked at Zeke, then at the rest of the bacon. “We’re going to try to go into town tomorrow. We’ll take it slow. If we only make it as far as the ferry dock, fine. Maybe the next day we’ll make it farther. Eventually, we’ll take a walk in town. Or have lunch. Or shop. Let’s just see how we do.”
He was careful to say “we” and not “you.” He wanted Zeke to know he wasn’t alone.
“Okay. We will, and you will understand how hard this is for me.”
“I will and I do. I’m hoping you also understand how much I want this for you. For us.” There was a whole life out there. He wanted Zeke to come to his events, to meet his team, to see New York.
“I do. I know it’s ridiculous to hide here, but—” Zeke shrugged for him, his cheeks heating.
“Not ridiculous. It was necessary, and now it’s not, that’s all.”
Zeke searched his eyes. “You think so?”
It was lonely and kind of sad, but it wasn’t insane or anything. “Zeke, you were scared and you didn’t feel safe, but you found what you needed here. How is that ridiculous? You’re working, you’ve kept up your music—a lot of people might have lost that, but you didn’t. And then you found me, so things are naturally going to change again. That’s what happens when you share your life.”
“I love that idea. Sharing our lives.” Zeke curled into his side. “The ice is starting. Can you hear it?”
“Is that what that is?” He looked at the ceiling, as if he could see the ice through it. “Mother nature didn’t want us to go out today either.”
“No, we’ll order in warm food, if you want, or there is always a big movie party on icy afternoons.”
“Are you up for that? That sounds like fun. Popcorn, a couple of hours of distraction. Some like-minded company. I like it.” It was a step, too, getting his boy back out in the world, even if that world was just the resort crowd.
“I’d like to. It sounds cozy with a Master.”
Oh, so brave.
“Right? Snuggling for a movie? Sounds great. Where do they do this?”
“There’s a meeting place—so like a great big room with a fireplace and a screen. There are sofas and stuff, blankets and everything.” Zeke grinned. “Jamie let me go look and see.”
“That sounds very comfy. Do people make out in the back like at a real movie?” He grinned at Zeke.
Zeke chuckled softly. “I’m betting people make out in the front and the middle, Master.”
“Ha!” He laughed, nodding. “You’re probably right. In which case, I’m looking forward to it even more. What movie are they showing, do you know?”
“I think it’s a Jurassic Park a thon? But maybe it’s Indiana Jones.”
“Either works for me.”
“Me too. It’ll be like old times, and I love popcorn.” Zeke actually seemed excited.
“So we have a plan.” He set his omelet down—honestly, the thing was delicious, but it was huge—and picked up his coffee, changing the subject to mundane things to help Zeke relax. “How is work?”
“I wrote a song last night. It was amazing. It’s not the soundtrack, but I think I’ll pitch it as the song that will sell the movie.” Look at his boy light up.
Last night, before their scene… that should be an interesting song. “Hey, that’s great. You mean like the song they play during the credits?”
“I think so, yes. It’s a love story, sort of.”
“Sort of? Can you be sort of a love story?”
“Well, it’s an action-adventure with two assassins and their evil boss, but they do end up together…”
“All three? I may need to see this movie.” He chuckled. “Seriously, I’m proud of you. What a cool opportunity.” And the fact that Zeke was noticed by someone, approached for the gig, that was so cool.
“I—Maybe. I mean, it’s a year before release. Maybe you’d come to the premiere with me? Maybe?”
Look at Zeke, talking about going out in public. “Maybe? I wouldn’t want to be anywhere else. Are you kidding? To get to be the date of the artist that created the soundtrack? Count me in.”
“Me too,” Zeke whispered. “I’ll tell them me plus one.”
“We can coordinate our ensembles.” He chuckled. “A movie premiere. How cool.” He was a little in awe of his boy, and also ridiculously proud.
“Yeah. I… We could be on the red carpet. How wild is that thought?”
“Right? And I thought I had a pretty cool life before I met you. It’s just getting better and better.”
“I hope I can do it. I want to.”
“You have time, boy. We have time. Call it a goal.” He knew Zeke could do this. It would take some patience, but he had plenty of that, and what was better than being what his boy needed?
“Right. Today, we’re going to movie night, and it’s going to be fun.”
He smiled. “You know I’m going to make out with you if everyone else is.”
“I’m not ashamed of you. I would kneel for you, snuggle, anything.”
Oh. He took a shaky deep breath for so many reasons, not the least of which to calm his fucking balls down—pride, love, and yeah, a little Dom-like arrogance. “You make me so proud.” Zeke made him feel taller, stronger.
“You make me believe I can be brave, Master.”
“We’re good for each other. That’s why we can’t be apart again.” Zeke was a piece of him now, and he felt it missing when the boy wasn’t with him.
Snuggling at the movie was definitely on his to-do list for the day. Zeke was his entire list after the movie was over.